Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Visiting in-laws who have a dangerous dog..wwyd

436 replies

Kerrieanne85 · 10/11/2023 19:04

Advice please/how would you word this???

Firstly I want to state I have a Fantastic relationship with in-laws, absolutely love my MIL and FIL.

They've invited us over to their house for FIL's birthday next weekend. They live about 2 hours away so we only see each other every couple of months.

We're looking forward to seeing them and our two DC aged 9 & 6 can't wait to see their grandparents.

Here's the thing, they are currently housing a "dangerous dog". The dog belonged to their daughter (my SIL)....she never trained the dog properly, is super hyper, doesn't take order from owners, the dog has bitten other cousins when they visited SIL, the dog attacked SIL's boyfriends leg so badly leading him to be on crutches for 7 weeks. Dog has also bitten FIL that he needed stitches at the hospital on a different occasion. Dog was advised to be put down but SIL couldn't bring herself to go through with it, so they tried to rehome him...no-one wants the dog with its history. MIL also loves the dog to bits and can't bring herself to have him put down. Now SIL has a 9 month old baby they have given the dog to MIL and FIL.

The dog is now taking medication 3 times a day to 'calm him down'. MIL says the dog has been fine with just the two of them in the house and she gives him medication.

Hubby doesn't like to see his parents with the dog there as we're all not comfortable with him. I told hubby to speak to his dad regarding possibly having the dog elsewhere when we visit with our young children. He doesn't want to cause an atmosphere as it's his step-mum and she's absolutely besotted with this dog and she can get quite defensive about the issue when it's been brought up in the past.

How would you ask her about the dogs whereabouts when we visit next week. She can have this 'it's my house, my way' attitude sometimes.

Before anyone says host them at our house. We always host them at our house when we see them mainly for this reason, this time they want us to go to their house

Thanks for the read

OP posts:
rainbowsparkle28 · 10/11/2023 19:34

Your partner / you say to them very clearly that the dog needs to be looked after elsewhere during your visit. Your children and their safety is priority. If they are saying they won't then you say you will not be able to visit or will have to meet up somewhere without dog. And when you arrive DP goes and checks first / calls on arrival to confirm. And have a back up plan if they do not respect this when you turn up of something else you can do. And most importantly follow through and keep firmly to your boundaries else they will think it is okay in future to do the same.

Meeting · 10/11/2023 19:35

I wouldn't even go if they agreed to lock it in a separate room to be honest. Too dangerous.

Kimonokweenie · 10/11/2023 19:36

they sound like idiots tbh.

dog needs to be put down

Lavender14 · 10/11/2023 19:36

What do they do with the dog when they stay with you and you host them?

If you think it's likely to be problematic I'd offer to pay half towards dog boarding. But I'd also have no problem in telling them very directly that I won't have my dc around a dog with that history because it's not fair to the dog or to dc if something goes wrong. Children can be loud, unpredictable and make a lot of eye contact all of which can be stressful for a dog especially one that's only doing well now it's in a quiet adult only household. The alternative is you look to stay elsewhere and meet up with them but I think this is one your dh needs to be very direct and lay the line in the sand over.

My parents dog is not well trained and has a bite history. We meet them out and about and if we're at theirs the dog is kept at all times in a different room than my ds, if we're staying over the dog goes to boarding in a home from home environment. I've been really clear that as much as I love the dog, I won't take the risk of ds being bitten.

Cantgetausername87 · 10/11/2023 19:37

I don't know how this can be a dilemma. 100% do not go, do not risk a serious injury to your young children!

EtiennePalmiere · 10/11/2023 19:37

I wouldn't trust them to keep the dog crated/locked away. Your husband should be stepping up, but he's not so just call them and say you won't be coming.

AutumnLeaves333 · 10/11/2023 19:37

I wouldn’t go, my brother was badly bitten in the face by a relatives dog with known aggression history when he was a toddler. The dog was supposed to be shut in another room but unfortunately escaped and mauled him leaving him badly scarred for the rest of his life. It’s not possible to ensure your children’s safety if the dog is in the same House.

Spencer0220 · 10/11/2023 19:38

Absolutely wouldn't go. I'd be blunt. They can think whatever they like, but I wouldn't go.

Iheartpizza · 10/11/2023 19:39

If they're fully aware that the dog should be PTS then this is really a very straightforward conversation to have with them!

If they want to continue to put themselves at risk, fine. But you won't be going.

End of story.

Soggydog · 10/11/2023 19:40

I wouldn't do it as you would need to guarantee that there were at least two closed doors between you and the dog at all times for the children to be safe as the dog always has the potential to get through one. This is a known risk and not one I would be happy with. As horrible as it is, if you go to visit them why would they follow through with euthanising the dog, they aren't missing out on something that would be a motivation. It is better it happens before one of them or someone else is potentially killed.

SkyFullofStars1975 · 10/11/2023 19:40

I'm a dog owner, my two are my world and the gentlest of breeds but I never leave my grandchildren in the room with them alone, ever. I love all of them too much to risk anything happening.

Your in laws have a dog that has bitten more than once, they have no control over and that hasn't had any training/boundaries. Frankly it's bloody cruel to the dog and it has been badly let down by everyone that's cared for it.

It's OK to say No.

CormorantStrikesBack · 10/11/2023 19:42

I wouldn’t go. Unless the dog was put in kennels for the day.

Elphame · 10/11/2023 19:42

I wouldn't risk going and I'm a dog lover.

I'd also tell them why

Cumbrianlife · 10/11/2023 19:43

This is so batshit that i doubt the validity but just incase...not a chance in hell I would take my DC into their home. No sane mother would put their DC in harm's way to avoid upsetting the inlaws.

CormorantStrikesBack · 10/11/2023 19:43

I wouldn’t even go if it was in a crate or shut in a room because at some point there is a risk it gets out the room, or gets let out the crate to go to the toilet and runs past someone and gets near your kids.

Sholkedabemus · 10/11/2023 19:43

Why are you even asking?

Ethelswith · 10/11/2023 19:44

When I was about 10, my uncle got a really iffy rescue dog, large (not bull) breed, erratic temperament who used to lunge at visitors, on hind legs, barking at head height.

I used to refuse to enter the house unless the dog was shut away (in a kind of lean-to, that had 3 doors between it and the main part of the house). They were good about doing this (knowing full well they had an alarming dog - with which, to be fair, they did wonders in rehab, but he still hated strangers entering his house; but no bites since they had him).

Unless you can have total reliance that the dog can be shut away as effectively as that one was (behind more than one door, so if gets past one its still contained), then don't go near the place.

TheOccupier · 10/11/2023 19:44

Kerrieanne85 · 10/11/2023 19:33

Thank you for your replies. Believe it or not, this dog issue has been the topic of many many discussions when we have met up with them. They are fully aware dog needs to be put down. I actually thought he had been put down already until recently when they were at our house and they had to leave early to go back home to feed the dog. Hubby and I were both shocked it's still around as this has been going on for over a year now.

I wanted advice on how to word it to her again. Although they are his dad and step mum: hubby doesn't really communicate with them much. All get together same communication is done via me and MIL

How is this even possible? Report them to the police and their local dog warden!

Nosleepforthismum · 10/11/2023 19:45

Dog locked in another room at a bare minimum. We have an elderly rescue that can sound very aggressive at the door (knocking triggers her) and I’ll always put her in another room if it’s a new guest/someone I know who’s nervous of dogs or any young children visiting. I do this because I don’t want her barking to scare people although she’s soft as anything once you’ve come through the door. I would be extremely concerned going to a house with a dog that had bitten more than once with my young children and I say that as a dog lover (and a lover of dogs with behavioural issues)

I don’t think you can get around the fact that if the dog cannot be safely put away during your visit, you cannot visit for your children’s safety.

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 10/11/2023 19:46

My bet is it's a border collie!

GrumpNoDog · 10/11/2023 19:46

He's bitten more than once? Tell them you're not visiting. You would be putting your children in danger, your responsibility is to them first and foremost, not to MIL's sensitivities.

Maybe once someone actually cancels a visit and they find themselves isolated, they'll put down the clearly miserable and troubled dog.

jesshomeEd · 10/11/2023 19:47

I'd say "Hi MIL, we are really looking forwarding to seeing you but can't bring the kids to your house due to the dog. We will stay in a Premier Inn nearby - can you suggest a pub/soft play/stately home (or whatever floats your boat) for us to meet at?"

WinterCarlisle · 10/11/2023 19:48

Not. In. A. Million. Years.

jesshomeEd · 10/11/2023 19:49

I wouldn't go into the house even if they promise to shut it away or put it in a cage - the dog will whine and they will end up letting it out!

Bootsandcats12 · 10/11/2023 19:49

I absolutely agree with @FourChimneys
It is in no way worth the risk.