Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Visiting in-laws who have a dangerous dog..wwyd

436 replies

Kerrieanne85 · 10/11/2023 19:04

Advice please/how would you word this???

Firstly I want to state I have a Fantastic relationship with in-laws, absolutely love my MIL and FIL.

They've invited us over to their house for FIL's birthday next weekend. They live about 2 hours away so we only see each other every couple of months.

We're looking forward to seeing them and our two DC aged 9 & 6 can't wait to see their grandparents.

Here's the thing, they are currently housing a "dangerous dog". The dog belonged to their daughter (my SIL)....she never trained the dog properly, is super hyper, doesn't take order from owners, the dog has bitten other cousins when they visited SIL, the dog attacked SIL's boyfriends leg so badly leading him to be on crutches for 7 weeks. Dog has also bitten FIL that he needed stitches at the hospital on a different occasion. Dog was advised to be put down but SIL couldn't bring herself to go through with it, so they tried to rehome him...no-one wants the dog with its history. MIL also loves the dog to bits and can't bring herself to have him put down. Now SIL has a 9 month old baby they have given the dog to MIL and FIL.

The dog is now taking medication 3 times a day to 'calm him down'. MIL says the dog has been fine with just the two of them in the house and she gives him medication.

Hubby doesn't like to see his parents with the dog there as we're all not comfortable with him. I told hubby to speak to his dad regarding possibly having the dog elsewhere when we visit with our young children. He doesn't want to cause an atmosphere as it's his step-mum and she's absolutely besotted with this dog and she can get quite defensive about the issue when it's been brought up in the past.

How would you ask her about the dogs whereabouts when we visit next week. She can have this 'it's my house, my way' attitude sometimes.

Before anyone says host them at our house. We always host them at our house when we see them mainly for this reason, this time they want us to go to their house

Thanks for the read

OP posts:
Strictlymad · 11/11/2023 19:26

Is sil and previously attacked partner going? With baby? Surely previously attacked partner isn’t happy about raging his baby there?!?

coconutpie · 11/11/2023 19:39

I've read all your posts but just wanted to add - I don't know how you can have such a fantastic relationship with MIL considering how manipulative she is (with all the big crying meltdowns) and how she puts a dangerous dog before your DC. I would have nothing to do with her. She prioritises a dangerous dog over you all. That shows you how little she thinks of you all. It's awful.

cloverpots · 11/11/2023 19:39

You must be relieved to have got this sorted. Going forward, please do not consider visiting the house if the dog is anywhere on the premises, he'll be extremely agitated at being locked in another room and it doesn't bear thinking about what could happen if he escapes or is "accidentally" let out. It beggars belief that MIL/SIL are willing to put their other guests in such a dangerous situation and both deserve to face criminal charges if the dog attacks again.

Milliemoo6 · 11/11/2023 19:40

I'm a massive dog lover and have two dogs, but there's no way I'd be comfortable putting my kids in that situation, it's just not worth the risk. My advice would be to just call them and have an adult conversation, say you're concerned about the risk and its not one you're prepared to take. Dogs can kill and kids don't always know how to behave around them.

Serrina · 11/11/2023 19:41

Sorry but if a family member of mine had a dangerous dog that had attacked multiple people, and they refused to have it put down, I'd be reporting them to the police and local dog warden.

MagicFarawayTea · 11/11/2023 19:48

Balloonhearts · 10/11/2023 19:08

Tell them outright, you can't risk a dog with a bite history being around your children, it would be negligence as a parent to do so.

If she's angry, she's angry. It doesn't matter. Your kids matter. Dog should have been put to sleep after it bit the second time. It was clear then that it wasn't a one off and it couldn't be trusted. Just because she hasn't fulfilled her responsibilities doesn't mean you shouldn't.

This with bells on. Unless you want your kids to be the next headline about dangerous dogs.

Original poster
Kerrieanne85 · 11/11/2023 19:51

@coconutpie it's very strange because she's wonderful in every other way. When I had my son 9 years ago and went back to work, she would get the train at 5.40am every week to come and babysit for us then head back home another 3 hours in the evening (her offer too). She did this for 2 years until he started nursery. Even now she comes down to see us more than FIL does and will head back up 2 hours in evening by herself. I don't know what this dog has done to her head but she's just besotted with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kerrieanne85 · 11/11/2023 19:53

@Strictlymad my SIL's partner doesn't want anything to do with the situation, they won't be taking the baby with them next week and he's not sleeping over there either, he has expressed he'll be heading back home and SIL can do what she wants if she chooses to stay the night then she will

OP posts:
Frost1111 · 11/11/2023 19:54

Don't go if the dog is there. Not worth the risk.

Pezdeoro41 · 11/11/2023 19:55

Balloonhearts · 10/11/2023 19:08

Tell them outright, you can't risk a dog with a bite history being around your children, it would be negligence as a parent to do so.

If she's angry, she's angry. It doesn't matter. Your kids matter. Dog should have been put to sleep after it bit the second time. It was clear then that it wasn't a one off and it couldn't be trusted. Just because she hasn't fulfilled her responsibilities doesn't mean you shouldn't.

Exactly this.

Original poster
Kerrieanne85 · 11/11/2023 19:57

@ SIL can cry for hours, she learned to use tears (learned from MIL). She also has manic depression so we all are careful with what we say and how we say it to her. This is why hubby doesn't want to get too talk to parents about it. (Leaves me to do it, as I'm usually the mediator in their family). Zorro was actually bought by SIL during one of her manic episodes when she was really bad and also taking recreation stuff. (That's all completely finished and treated). Again this is why we tread softly around SIL and MIL

OP posts:
Sennelier1 · 11/11/2023 19:59

I wouldn't visit them with young children, probably not even without children. But could they maybe find a dogminder, a dogwalker or such? A person that would take the dog out of the house for the duration of your visit? That or putting the dog in the garage or at the neighbours. For me this would be the condition and a deal breaker.

Pixie2015 · 11/11/2023 20:01

Definitely wouldn’t take my child there or go myself

Hibiscrubbed · 11/11/2023 20:04

Kerrieanne85 · 11/11/2023 19:57

@ SIL can cry for hours, she learned to use tears (learned from MIL). She also has manic depression so we all are careful with what we say and how we say it to her. This is why hubby doesn't want to get too talk to parents about it. (Leaves me to do it, as I'm usually the mediator in their family). Zorro was actually bought by SIL during one of her manic episodes when she was really bad and also taking recreation stuff. (That's all completely finished and treated). Again this is why we tread softly around SIL and MIL

Well, your SIL has single-handedly fucked up that dog’s life and created an anxious and therefore aggressive animal who won’t be enjoying any of his life, but is being forced to endure every single minute of it by the lunatic women in charge of him.

Poor, poor Zorro.

Caerulea · 11/11/2023 20:04

Kerrieanne85 · 11/11/2023 19:57

@ SIL can cry for hours, she learned to use tears (learned from MIL). She also has manic depression so we all are careful with what we say and how we say it to her. This is why hubby doesn't want to get too talk to parents about it. (Leaves me to do it, as I'm usually the mediator in their family). Zorro was actually bought by SIL during one of her manic episodes when she was really bad and also taking recreation stuff. (That's all completely finished and treated). Again this is why we tread softly around SIL and MIL

May I ask if she got Zorro as a puppy?

Original poster
Kerrieanne85 · 11/11/2023 20:07

@Caerulea yes she did, but she never trained him

OP posts:
Caerulea · 11/11/2023 20:09

@Kerrieanne85 Thanks. Again, I'm sorry it ended up as it has. There were definitely solutions that didn't involve killing the dog or prevent you from going.

luckylavender · 11/11/2023 20:10

EtiennePalmiere · 10/11/2023 19:37

I wouldn't trust them to keep the dog crated/locked away. Your husband should be stepping up, but he's not so just call them and say you won't be coming.

This. The dog could be shut away to start with but they could easily let it out.

ShrillBill · 11/11/2023 20:15

I suspect your MIL is wonderful as long as she is getting her own way.

StaunchMomma · 11/11/2023 20:15

The dog has repeatedly attacked adults. Imagine that leg bite that required 7 weeks of crutches on a child?! The dog may be on meds but, by MILs own admission, the dog is calm when it is with just them - she cannot foresee how it will react to 2 more adults and 3 kids!

There is only one question to ask here - what's more important; MILs wishes or your children's safety?

I would be demanding the dog be locked well away at all times and if she won't promise it I wouldn't be going there and I certainly wouldn't be taking children.

Better safe than devastatingly sorry, OP.

TTCournumberthree · 11/11/2023 20:19

100% the right thing to not go and I’m glad to hear they understand.

My grandparents had a dangerous dog (lurcher type) years ago. They fell out with my dad (their son) when he warned them the dog was too dangerous after it went for him. Fast forward 4 years it bit me but my cousins convinced me to keep quiet to not cause an argument, it went
for multiple people before it finally bit my 2 year old cousin in the face. It caused uproar and they had it put down same day. I would avoid any situation to be near Zorro like the plague, I hope no one gets seriously injured by the dog.

BitofaStramash · 11/11/2023 20:21

I wouldn't visit a house with a dog like that. And not a chance in hell that my kids would.

Missingpop · 11/11/2023 20:22

A dangerous dog that already bitten multiple times 🤦‍♀️you know the answer you just need to man up & tell the in laws; just say your sorry but after the recent spate of dog attacks you aren’t comfortable taking your Dc into a house with a dog that has bitten so frequently in the past, it’s nothing personal but if it did bite one of the Dc you would never forgive yourself for not protecting them. If they can’t see past your fear then they don’t see their Dgc end of !!!

Snugglemonkey · 11/11/2023 20:30

I also would not go.

Oldtigernidster · 11/11/2023 20:40

Dogs are my life. I adore them and like to think I’m fairly knowledgable about them. No way would I go there, the dog is proven to be dangerous, out of control and a liability. Please, please stay away.