He said yes then asked for more time

[excuseme678]

After several years I decided to take the bull by the horns and I asked my partner what he thought of us booking a registry office for a year's time from now. We don't have the money for a big wedding and I'm honestly happy with a registry office.
Age isn't on my side unfortunately.
He said 'yes that could be good'. I asked him several times, are you sure? I don't want to pressure you, are you certain?' He said yes.
I was crying tears of joy, I asked him if I should tell my family and his etc. And he said yes.
We were hugging and I was so happy, I didn't know if this day would ever come.
I said to him one last time, as long as you're certain you're ready, you can have time to think about it if you want.
He said 'actually, can I have time to think about it?'
I said yes that's fine, and asked him to tell me next week.
I'm actually not sure how to feel now, he already knew I wanted to get married and I'm scared he said yes because it's what I wanted to hear. What do people think, I'm just really not sure what he'll say. I feel embarrassed tbh.

Watch the film "he's just not that into you".

He is just not that into you

• if he isn't marrying you

He sounds like the type of man who could easily say ‘yeah alright then’ next week. And then a month or week before your wedding pull out of marrying you because he’s changed his mind again.

he’s not going to break up with you because he’s happy coasting along. It’s going to take your strength to realise you deserve more and leave him to find a man who can’t wait to marry you and is excited to be with you OP! Best of luck.

Please stop waiting for him to change

Utter rubbish. Women need to RETAIN THEIR JOBS for protection, not shackle themselves to men

I said yes that's fine, and asked him to tell me next week.

Bring it up next week and get a definite answer out of him. Ask if he is planning to propose. If he is, great! If he isn't, then you'll never get married and if you want children then you'll never get them. He's not going to change, I'm afraid.

Three years of living with someone is more than enough time to know whether you want to marry someone or not.

”So you know when I asked you about setting a date? That is because marriage and children is something I definitely want in my future. I like/love you and that is why I’ve waited, but I am not waiting any more. We marry and start a family, or we split.”

Me and DH had been together a few years, owned a house together, had a baby and had been engaged for two years.
We talked about a destination wedding and that was what we both wanted. So I just went to the travel agents and booked it. No back and forth. It was the best decision ever! My DH is so indecisive and doesn't like to commit to anything that costs money, I knew if it was left to him it would be years of procrastinating. We've been happily together 20 odd years now.
Why's your chap messing about? Is it the money/wedding or is he not sure he wants to marry you. If its the first thing, just book it. If its the latter, dump him!

If he was certain that he loves you and wants to be with you for the rest of his life and make a family with you, then he would have proposed by now.

Why would you ask a woman to marry you? If she wanted to marry you, she would ask...

1950s called, they want your attitude back.

This isn’t a man who is excited by the thought of a future with you or building a life together. If he does agree to marry you- then what? It’s just under duress in order to keep you hanging around until something better comes along.

please don’t waste your fertility on this man

You gave an ultimatum, you will have to be the one calling it off if it does not go your way. The trick will be on you if you do not follow suit. Hopefully your partner will pick up the slate. For your next relationship, if you think about making a proposal, please plan it properly. People plan birthdays, end of year parties and whatever, it is not about the money. But really, for something that is going to have so much implications. the place were you ask, what you say, it is the most important thing, even if it's over an oreo. Put pride in yourself. It reflects on the person living with you. You are making the proposition of a lifetime. Do it well.

This!

You’re in your 30’s, and presumably he is too. If he isn’t ready to say yes after 3 years, he won’t be ready in 3 years and a week, or 3 years and another year. If it was a yes it would be a yes now.

Just book the date for a marriage at your local Registry Office and tell him. You will then know if he fails to turn up on the day. He has not actually said ''no'' yet.

I’d give an ultimatum- my life goal is get married before I have kids, so I’d like to get married by X date. If you don’t want to that’s fine, but that means I will be going to find someone that had same goals as me. And follow through on it OP. You deserve better than someone giving you maybes.

I don't think it is a sexist assumption, it is what I have observed in reality.

Most women who would like to get married are not actually sitting around reading wedding magazines and dropping heavy hints about what kind of diamonds they like, they are getting on with their lives. Unless they are already over a certain age and want marriage and then children, in which case they might be thinking about it a little bit more, particularly in terms of whether marriage and kids with their current partner is on the cards.

Most men who are actually enthusiastic about getting married will ask the woman before she gets to the point where she feels she needs to bring the subject up. And in most cases they will have discussed it together anyway so only the timing of the proposal comes as a surprise.

I think the way I see it is this. For all women who want to get married, the time in their relationship before they get engaged is at one of three stages.

Stage 1: It's still early on in the relationship, even if the woman is willing to propose to the man she is unlikely to do so because it's still pretty new and she knows most people would think of her as crazy for proposing at that stage.

Stage 2: They've been together for a while, it would be considered a perfectly normal time to get engaged, but equally, they haven't been together for so long that not being engaged yet is weird.

Stage 3: They've been together for ages and she would like them to be engaged already but they're not.

In my experience if a man is enthusiastic about getting married then either he will ask the question or they will just naturally discuss getting married and decide to do it in either Stage 1 or Stage 2, and Stage 3 will never happen.

Stage 3 is where men who don't really want to get married hang out.

Me think there is a book in the Bible with a woman asking a man to marry her. Ruth ? This is old. Absolutely appropriate. If it was good 2000 years ago I don't understand what is shocking about it today.

Oh my god, excellent advice!

Bundle him into the boot of your car on the day, blindfolded, hands tied behind his back and with a sock in his mouth. He’s not said no until he’s managed to scream it through the sock! Good luck op!

You have done the right thing, OP.

He tells you next week and you take it from there.

I honestly believe if men want to marry, they will. My own DH (we're married 20 years now) needed a push but I knew it was on the cards. As soon as I brought it up it was full steam ahead. But now that you've done that, for him to still be hesitant tells me he's not interested. I'm sorry but you need to put yourself first and if marriage is really important to you then leave him

I'm actually not sure how to feel now, he already knew I wanted to get married and I'm scared he said yes because it's what I wanted to hear

does he want to get married ( to you ? ), does he actually want kids , are these things that you want

What ?? This isn't the 1950s. Why should a woman wait to be proposed to. Just discuss it together like adults and agree next steps.

I think you've done well OP - you have given him a clear deadline.

He may not give the answer you hope, so be prepared for that and decide if you are going to split in that case. Any answer other that yes, let's book it, I would see as the end. Let's face it, it's either yes or no at this stage. He may be happy bumbling along but you aren't, and 3 years is ample time to feel sure, especially in your thirties.

Good post. Whenever threads like these appear, people tell the poster to dump the boyfriend and find someone else, as if that's easy to do in your mid-30s. Of course it's not impossible, but a lot of people write as if it's a guarantee. Sometimes the options are more likely to be persuade this man to have kids/use a sperm donor/remain childless. Not to mention the pain of breaking up with someone you love.

OP - no advice but am sending sympathy. Many of my friends are/have been in this situation and it sucks!

@Helenahandkart I'm sorry that happened to you.

You mentioned being a people pleaser. Is he one too towards you? Often times there is a giver and a taker in a relationship like this.

I don't think I'd even kick the can down the road for another year for a registry wedding. Book it first available date.

Those who said he changed his mind because you asked a few times are being silly. Men aren't some timid forrest creature you can scare off by asking them something several times.

What is your living situation? Renting, owning, your place?

I'd be starting to make arrangements to move out after the first of the year. You don't need to be on a permanent audition or probation period for the role of wife with anyone.