He said yes then asked for more time

[excuseme678]

After several years I decided to take the bull by the horns and I asked my partner what he thought of us booking a registry office for a year's time from now. We don't have the money for a big wedding and I'm honestly happy with a registry office.
Age isn't on my side unfortunately.
He said 'yes that could be good'. I asked him several times, are you sure? I don't want to pressure you, are you certain?' He said yes.
I was crying tears of joy, I asked him if I should tell my family and his etc. And he said yes.
We were hugging and I was so happy, I didn't know if this day would ever come.
I said to him one last time, as long as you're certain you're ready, you can have time to think about it if you want.
He said 'actually, can I have time to think about it?'
I said yes that's fine, and asked him to tell me next week.
I'm actually not sure how to feel now, he already knew I wanted to get married and I'm scared he said yes because it's what I wanted to hear. What do people think, I'm just really not sure what he'll say. I feel embarrassed tbh.

You’ve done exactly what people usually suggest on here when a man is dallying, not sure why you’re getting a hard time.

You know him better than we do. If my husband said “yes that could be good!” it would mean he was enthusiastically agreeing, it’s how he sometimes talks. If it was someone else they could be fobbing you off.

I’m not sure why you kept suggesting more time, was it because you felt he wasn’t being genuine? When we agreed to marry neither of us thought to give the other more time. It’s hard to know how it went with your discussion. I suppose what matters is what you do if he doesn’t bring it up again in a week or he’s changed his mind. Do you know?

Maybe your constant questioning of his decision put him off...

Really hope that next week you get the answer you want OP. I think you need to tell him more about the timeline for a family before then, so he really knows what he is choosing. For example - I'm 34 now, if we get married when I am 35 and start trying for a baby, it could take 2-3 years, then maybe have one when I am 38, makes it probably hard to have more than 2, say have another when I am 40 or 41 which is riskier for both me and a child. If you do not want this family future with me - and it's not going to happen without the legal protection of marriage - you need to step aside so I can find a partner who I am on the same page with.

It's not giving him an "ultimatum" or having him over a barrel, because for you, that's making a choice in itself. It's saying look, life changes. Time passes. Your current status quo is not an option. You don't get to stay in this holding pattern any more. Time to become a man, a responsible, family man, with me, and step into your future. Or step aside.

Good luck!

Is it 100% clear to him that when you say marriage, you actually also mean children? I agree with @EthicalNonMahogany - when you frame it in terms of booking the registry office, it might be making him focus on the wedding more as an event, and the marriage as separate from other aspects of your shared future.

Ignore some of the strange and unpleasant responses. Of course you are not odd to raise this. I actually feel angry on your behalf. Please don’t just waste another 5 years with this man, waiting for him to decide what he wants.

You need to have a discussion with him about the future. He may have another 20 years to “settle down” and have children, but you don’t.

Put your cards on the table

‘I want to get married and have children within the next 2 years.

do you want this to happen too?’

if he’s vague or uncertain or ‘needs time’ he’s lying to you. He doesn’t need time. He wants you to shut up and provide the sex and contribute To the bills without commitment of marriage.

cut your losses and move on.

a man who is ready for marriage and kids won’t be vague about when.

OP doesn't sound odd at all, just sensible and pragmatic and trying to get her life sorted out.

You, on the other hand, sound like a bitch.

It’s been 3 years. After 3 years, you know whether you want to marry someone or not. There’s nothing new to discover.

I waited and waited for a proposal that never came, and watched my childbearing years evaporate. Now I’m 50 and childless.
Tell him straight, you need to move the relationship on and start trying to conceive with a man who is fully committed to you. And if that isn’t him then you need to find someone else.
I started trying to conceive at 36. It was too late for me.

Oh lovely. When you meet the right man you’ll both be absolutely over the moon to be committing your lives to each other. Neither of you will have to stop and think about it. Ditch him.

He is not sure. It isn't a very good basis for a long term relationship. I agree that you could wait and wait for another few years then he might be off with somebody else he doesn't have to think about before making a commitment. Get rid. Why should you be messed about like this.

Sorry my phone keyboard wasn't working properly, I am reading the replies, thank you.

You didn’t make a mistake.

You did what almost all couples do, which is move in together with the expectation that the relationship will progress to marriage and children when the time is right.

Unfortunately for you, he’s a commitment-phobe. But at least now you know.

“Are you certain” “yes”
”should we tell family “yes”

Yet you continued to ask him if he was sure .. maybe it was the repeated questioning that got him to change the answer. If it was me I would be thinking “why are they still asking, have I given the wrong answer, better change it” or “I don’t want to marry someone who keeps pecking after I’ve answered”

I really am grateful for all of you.

Why on earth would you ask a man to marry you.

If they want to marry you they will ask.

Forcing him into something he is not ready for is a recipe for disaster

Move on op, he’s not sure about the relationship, and he will just keep you dangling, long enough to waste the rest of your fertile years.
he’s holding out, and will meet some one else, be married and have a baby within the year and you will be left with nothing. Sorry to be so blunt, but it’s a script.

move on while you have the chance to find someone else.

Whatever you do, don’t wait a year to get married and be strung on by him. he either smarties you now, or move on.

Maybe I shouldn't have asked again if he was sure, but I just wanted him to be clear I wasn't pushing or pressing, just trying to get things moving and have some clarity about my future.

I agree with much of this.

Having kids was very important to me so if I had found myself in my late 30s, in a relationship with someone who was a bit lukewarm but willing to be talked into having kids with me, I'd probably have done it on the basis that it was most likely my last chance saloon for having kids. I'd rather have taken the risk of ending up a single parent than not having kids at all.

But if I had more time on my side, say if I was still in my early 30s, I'd want someone who was going to say an enthusiastic yes to spending his life with me. And who was willing for that to include marriage if that was important to me.

I never had to figure out how important marriage was to me because it turned out it was more important to my husband.

‘Yes that could be good’ isn’t the answer one wants to hear when marriage is proposed, so I understand completely why you continued to check whether he was happy.

But op, I think the truth is that he isn’t ready for it, for whatever reason and he’s wasting your time. I know I’d definitely not want to enter into a marriage with someone who had to spend some time thinking about whether they wanted to marry me or not. Get rid of this man and find someone worthy of you.

Wtf??? Are we in the dark ages…

What a load of sexist bollocks.

If he's always known you want to get married and has led you on then he's anything but a "poor chap".

You shouldn't have to convince someone to marry you. I'm sorry OP but it seems like he's just saying what he thinks you want to hear. Been there, done that it didn't end well. I'm now married to a wonderful man who asked me after a year and married me 8 months later. The whole time he was shouting from the rooftops about wanting to marry me.

He'll ask for more time, or you'll set a date and he'll make excuses to postpone it. You'll be on here in a year posting "He's asked to postpone the wedding again".

I don't think you're odd to raise this and set expectations. In fact, very sensible! Is it the marriage part he's unsure about or does the children part come into his reluctance also?

I think it's really normal to move in together and you didn't make a mistake. You just now need to makes sure you're both communicating fully and that you are listening to what his words and actions are telling you now (or will tell you in a week's time - I think it's reasonable to give him that). If you act on whatever the outcome is then it's perfectly possible to meet someone mid-late 30s.

He doesn't sound like he wants to get married, but I guess the question is why?

-Does he see a future with you?
-Want children with you?
-Do you own your own home and financially independent?

I think these questions are important.