He said yes then asked for more time

[excuseme678]

After several years I decided to take the bull by the horns and I asked my partner what he thought of us booking a registry office for a year's time from now. We don't have the money for a big wedding and I'm honestly happy with a registry office.
Age isn't on my side unfortunately.
He said 'yes that could be good'. I asked him several times, are you sure? I don't want to pressure you, are you certain?' He said yes.
I was crying tears of joy, I asked him if I should tell my family and his etc. And he said yes.
We were hugging and I was so happy, I didn't know if this day would ever come.
I said to him one last time, as long as you're certain you're ready, you can have time to think about it if you want.
He said 'actually, can I have time to think about it?'
I said yes that's fine, and asked him to tell me next week.
I'm actually not sure how to feel now, he already knew I wanted to get married and I'm scared he said yes because it's what I wanted to hear. What do people think, I'm just really not sure what he'll say. I feel embarrassed tbh.

Whilst I feel your post is true in many ways it doesn't provide the OP with any practical advice? She knows she wants children. She knows that time to have multiple is running out.

Absolutely you are right in that no one should be 'bullied' into being a spouse or a parent but what OP REALLY needs is for her DP to open up and be honest. SHE then has the option to stay or leave. Equally he has the option to balance up whether he would prefer to become a spouse than become single again. If both can do this rationally, devoid of emotion, then this will lead to the right solution for both of them in the long run. But seriously, how many couples will openly sit down and say, "well we've been together now for x years and I'm not getting any younger so I would like to know what your thoughts are about marriage and children. I was hoping for marriage soon and 2 kids before I'm 40"? Not exactly the typical westernised way of doing it is it? And despite the potential for arranged marriages having this frank and open conversation I am skeptical that parents arranging the marriage can sit down unemotionally and have these sort of questions either.

As the OP has stated, she's already proposed to him. The situation is now extremely emotional whether she meant it to be or not. Now if he says no and she leaves he might believe that she was trying to bully him. So what OP really needs know is ideas on how she can reset the situation and have the open conversation.

OP, my suggestion is to now seek couple counselling so that you both feel safe enough to be fully open and honest, not only about your love for each other but your hopes for the future. But many might see this as extreme (as would I) but can't think of any other way to minimise the emotion enough that you both feel able to talk about potential futures. Good luck.

@Wills
I agree that talking to a counselor might give them both an emotionally unchar. ged atmosphere in which to have an opportunity to express their thoughts and feelings.

I don't see that they have anything to lose by taking this step.

But seriously, how many couples will openly sit down and say, "well we've been together now for x years and I'm not getting any younger so I would like to know what your thoughts are about marriage and children. I was hoping for marriage soon and 2 kids before I'm 40"? Not exactly the typical westernised way of doing it is it?

That, I can't say. All I do know is that this wouldn't be my personal way of approaching my own major life decisions. It's also clear from my longstanding membership of this site that the women of Mumsnet are increasingly calling this attitude into question. That has to be good. A situation where otherwise assertive, intelligent women are ceding over the decision as to how they structure their lives to one party in the relationship - the male half - is a useful accompaniment to the many threads where women who have had children with unmarried partners become stay at home mothers without their own careers or personal security behind them. In the event of a relationship split, or if finding themselves in an abusive situation as they sometimes report on other threads, they are often surprised to find themselves powerless and in ownership of very few rights.

I do have an independent career, but from the early death of my mother I did recognise how difficult it could be for unmarried/civil partnered people to organise their affairs in the event something happens to one of them. This was my principal reason for wanting the legal tie. Aside from that, my husband really wanted to, and because I love him, I wanted to do it for him. In the event that one party was really not on board with this, there would then be a crossroads. No one has to enter into a marriage they don't want, but by the same token it should be the other person's choice as to whether they were willing to live by their partner's decision or preferred not to stay in a relationship that falls short of their expectations.

It's that passive, 'waiting in hope' attitude I can't fathom. To my mind, sitting down and having the conversation outlined by the PP above is the sensible approach (and quite a lot of women on MN claim to have used it). Ceding over all responsibility for that decision on pain of it being someone's 'cultural' precedent, seems to me quite mad. And if more women are challenging it, I'd say that's a positive step.

Not remotely bizarre, nor sad. Just realistic.
We're quite happy, thanks. Just not living in Romance Novel Land.

I did recognise how difficult it could be for unmarried/civil partnered people to organise their affairs in the event something happens to one of them.

I agree with much of your post but you misrepresent civil partnership, which to most intents and purposes confers almost exactly the same legal rights as marriage. It was brought in first to enable same-sex couples to have the legal and inheritance benefits enjoyed by straight married couples and then extended to heterosexual couples as an alternative to marriage.

Personally I'd tell him I'd booked the date and he either needs to be there or get the hell out of Dodge. Might be worth losing the money to find out his real commitment to your relationship.

I think you need to make clear that plodding on as you are is off the table so his options are:
a) I want to marry you and start trying for a family
b) I can't give you what you want so we should split and you can find someone that can

There is no
c) I want to keep living with you without any commitment or children in case I feel like walking in the future

I agree @Winter2020

I have known a few men who would happily drift along in a relationship not willing to commit and also not having the guts to end it. No skin of his nose if he's not that bothered about kids but fairly disastrous for her as her child-bearing years disappear.

The worst are men who dangle a carrot or talk a partner out of leaving because they need more time. Scared of being alone and picking up their own pants but also not really "all in".

So many women just find it hard to accept that men rarely do anything that they don't want to do.

If they want to marry its because they are genuinely in love or it is a situation that works for them.

My friends decade younger sister getting engaged about 15 years ago, coincided with a site from her parents being gifted to her, to build a house on.

However, as time went on he was a bit iffy about a wedding date and kept putting it off because of cost, finish the gorgeous house etc., even though they both had good jobs.

This went on for a couple of years and was a source of upset and embarrassment for her.

She accidentally got pregnant and went ahead, unmarried, and had twins.
Her parents were NOT impressed.

He very much went on living his life as a single man with his sports and spending, which caused her huge sadness and stress.

Fortunately she had parents and family who helped her manage.

He now decided marriage was just a piece of paper and not for him, which she felt she had no choice but to accept.

This went on for 7 years and she juggled her job, childcare, whilst he suited himself and was very tight with money.

She paid for the children and childcare whilst he spent his money largely on himself.

My friend would tell me she could barely be civil to him but her gentle sister just accepted things and worked hard and was the best mum she could be.

When her twins were 8 her sister was left an unexpected inheritance by her bachelor uncle who was also a teacher.
This involved a tidy figure sum, plus a fine house.

There was huge surprise in the family.

Unsurprisingly her delighted partner suddenly thought this was now the right time for them to get married.
He NOW had the motivation he needed to marry.

Thankfully the scales had finally fallen from her eyes and she realised this was her chance for a better future without him.

He tried to behave like a nasty bollix and threaten 50/50 when he had never ever been involved with his children, when she offered to buy him out of the family home.

By a lovely twist of fate it turns out there was a fault in the site transfer and the land the house was built on, remained in HER familys possession.

The farm had since been given past to her brother.
The house was unsellable.

After a decade of being a selfish self serving twat he was pleading with her to fight for "their family" yada yada.

It took two years but he eventually accepted a settlement to sign over the house to her, for a substantial discount.

Right up to the end he was trying to persuade her he really loved her and they should marry and start over.

He had no problem with marriage after all, he just needed the right motivation.

In a sea of stories where women are so let badly down, this one at least had a happy financial ending.

She remains single.
He remains a twat.

Such a useful story, previous poster! Very much on point. Men absolutely do what they want, when they want.

Some men

@billy1966

why did this woman stay with him? She had a good job and friend and family support

Who knows! My friend certainly couldn't figure it out.

Her family are lovely as is her older sister who is my old friend.

She loved him I suppose🤷🏻‍♀️.

Her getting pregnant unexpectedly was a big part of it I think.

She wanted to keep the babies and for them to be a family.

I don't think he ever loved her. The lovely half acre site was a big draw and he was mean.
She paid for her children, not him, worked full time and juggled it all.

Her family disliked him but there was nothing they could do.

There was some joy when the fxxk up with the site transfer was found out.

In another situation it could have been awfully messy, but not in this case, it was a real blessing.

Her brother is no pushover and by that stage had the upper hand.

You cannot sell on a house on a site you don't own.

It was now owned by her brother who was working the small farm part time.

It was sickening to hear how quickly his dislike of marriage and strong views on same went out the window when the inheritance came to light, not to mind what happened afterwards.

Bottom line, couldn't have happened to a meaner twat....

Karma is so rare in life sadly.

Why didn't you accept his first "yes" ? All the follow ups of "are you sure" and "you can take some time" might have a)irritated him or b) made him think you were either testing him or not entirely sure yourself that this is what you want.