He said yes then asked for more time

[excuseme678]

After several years I decided to take the bull by the horns and I asked my partner what he thought of us booking a registry office for a year's time from now. We don't have the money for a big wedding and I'm honestly happy with a registry office.
Age isn't on my side unfortunately.
He said 'yes that could be good'. I asked him several times, are you sure? I don't want to pressure you, are you certain?' He said yes.
I was crying tears of joy, I asked him if I should tell my family and his etc. And he said yes.
We were hugging and I was so happy, I didn't know if this day would ever come.
I said to him one last time, as long as you're certain you're ready, you can have time to think about it if you want.
He said 'actually, can I have time to think about it?'
I said yes that's fine, and asked him to tell me next week.
I'm actually not sure how to feel now, he already knew I wanted to get married and I'm scared he said yes because it's what I wanted to hear. What do people think, I'm just really not sure what he'll say. I feel embarrassed tbh.

If you want children then that needs to be a clear part of the discussion. If he’s generally a good partner and it’s a balanced relationship then maybe him not being fussed about marriage isn’t a dealbreaker if he ultimately sees a family with you.

If he’s generally lacking in commitment and doesn’t really put effort in to your relationship then I wouldn’t have kids with him. You’ll resent him as much for ruining raising a child with someone who can’t really decide if it’s what he wants and you’ll be the one who “trapped him” and forever be pulling the weight of two parents. Find someone who actively wants to build a life with you, who can openly say to his family and friends that you’re his person and will raise a child TOGETHER with you because it’s what you both want.

Did you actually ask him to marry you or just about booking a registry office? That would throw me off guard a bit to be honest so might explain the slightly more lukewarm response?

It seems like you kept asking him and asking him until he decided he needed more time. .As you kept asking him it probably made him second guess his initial reaction. But as others have said it doesn't sound like he is particularly bothered about marrying you - but that might be as he is not bothered about marriage either way but is still crazy about you. Only you can know the answer to this, none of us can.

There's obviously a reason why she asked those questions. A reason why she doubted him. She probably picked up vibes that he actually wasn't that keen or maybe he's gone back on things before.

She's clearly insecure in the relationship and probably for good reason. It doesn't seem that he's as invested as she is. I don't think he wants to get married at all.

He doesn’t want to marry you.

Have you discussed children? Because let’s be real here; he will tell you that it sounds great but will put it off and put it off and then you’ll be too old to get pregnant.

If you want this man then accept that he comes with no marriage and no children. If you want those things then leave this man. Those are your options.

Honestly. Put yourself and your needs first. Do you want the marriage or the kids? I would forget about the marriage for now and ask him to start trying for babies. If he is luke warm on that then get out and go it alone. Tell him you want it to be him but if he doesn’t want it you are out of there. I love my husband more than life itself but I made it clear my timescales for marriage and kids and he either had to get with it or I wouldn’t wait. I knew I had fertility issues and so had to start trying young. All worked out and he obligingly went along with it. But I would have gone it alone if I had to. You decide what you want and if he isn’t willing so bend to your timescale then I think you have to accept he doesn’t want to go through with it and will string you along.

How old is he? Does he already have children from a previous relationship?

What is it about him that would make a good husband and father? Does he want kids? If he does then try to have them right away, no need to wait for marriage.

The problem is if he comes back next week and says yes I do want to get married, will you even believe him? It’s presumably something he must have thought about over the last three years - so to need a week to decide just doesn’t seem very positive…

Do not do what @Drfosters has said. Day after day on here we have a woman who had the kids, went part time, did all the work - and is left high and dry when he sails off with another woman and she ends up with no home, a bunch of kids and no career.

OP, he does not want to marry you - leave him, find a man who wants what you want and don’t waste any more of your fertile years.

I speak as someone who split with someone who was ‘not ready for marriage’ only to see him propose within 8 weeks to his next girlfriend!!

I guess I was asking if he's sure because 'yeah could be good ' sounds like something you might say when you're ordering a takeaway.

@Annasgirl I agree completely. Telling op to have babies with a man who may never want to enter into a legal partnership with her would be putting herself into a legally precarious position. Really poor advice.

My sister in law was with one of these idiots. She gave him time to think, and yadda yadda and 4 years down the line he admitted he didn´t want to become a dad or get married. She is childless and had to have therapy in order to accept she would never be a mother. Don´t be her.

If he wanted to marry you he would ask you/

She asked him because she wants to marry him. Not that difficult to understand, surely?

I can see that he loves and is attached to me, he says he misses me etc. And I know breaking up would really hurt him. I guess I am a people pleaser and always want to put him first.

OP you asked him if he was sure numerous times because your gut is telling you that he’s not keen.

why did you suggest a years time for a registry office. You could have got that booked in a matter of weeks.

don’t waste any more time on this man, you know your gut is right, cut your losses now and move on.

also nothing wrong with asking him FFS to the pp

Asking someone isn’t even in the same ballpark as forcing them*. Do you think the same if a woman asks a man what she should make him for dinner or any other number of inconsequential subservient questions or is it just only the big important life questions where women are expected to do everything on the man’s schedule lest we be accused of forcing his hand?

*Same can’t be said for men who insist on big public proposals where the woman feels huge social pressure to say yes or face being called a selfish bitch through no fault of her own.

@pinkyredrose absolutely a need to wait for marriage before having a kid with some guy, with zero legal protections in place.
Since you want a kid, OP, you don’t have a week to spare. This boyfriend is clearly not in to you, it will take you time to heal from this relationship, date, find another man who’s high quality and also wants a kid, eventually get pregnant..every month is crucial now. Don’t do the sunk costs fallacy, or even bother arguing with this man, just dump him, find someone who’s jumping with joy to marry you.

Or maybe he wants to officially ask ? Breathe OP. Be cool about it and don't bring it up again. But look on high heavens and be prepared for anything.

That genuinely made me laugh. Brilliant.

I gave him a year to show that I'm not trying to rush him, maybe it was a silly thing to suggest, I'm not very experienced and I don't seem to trust my own boundaries and instincts

No one likes, or respects a people pleaser. Time to please your own fertility and security, move on.

I would say if he wanted to he would have asked you, that's what I would do anyway.

The real question is does he want to have children and if so can he be a parent. If he's antsy about that...

The phrase that's coming out of America is wife service and girlfriend prices.

To be kind to him, it could be cold feet or a panic attack. To be kind to you, after 3 years together it should be a no brainer.

I'd advise to give him his week during which you can make the booking appointment with the registrars and gather your id etc. I'd also advice ANY sign of lukewarm reaction to cut your losses. He may go through with it but if he's looking for the back door he'll find it soon enough.