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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He said yes then asked for more time

289 replies

excuseme678 · 10/11/2023 10:53

After several years I decided to take the bull by the horns and I asked my partner what he thought of us booking a registry office for a year's time from now. We don't have the money for a big wedding and I'm honestly happy with a registry office.
Age isn't on my side unfortunately.
He said 'yes that could be good'. I asked him several times, are you sure? I don't want to pressure you, are you certain?' He said yes.
I was crying tears of joy, I asked him if I should tell my family and his etc. And he said yes.
We were hugging and I was so happy, I didn't know if this day would ever come.
I said to him one last time, as long as you're certain you're ready, you can have time to think about it if you want.
He said 'actually, can I have time to think about it?'
I said yes that's fine, and asked him to tell me next week.
I'm actually not sure how to feel now, he already knew I wanted to get married and I'm scared he said yes because it's what I wanted to hear. What do people think, I'm just really not sure what he'll say. I feel embarrassed tbh.

OP posts:
Firebug007 · 10/11/2023 17:30

He's had 3 years to think about it, I'm sorry but he doesn't want to. I'd this is important to you I'd move on 💐 x

Circularargument · 10/11/2023 17:30

EmmetEmma · 10/11/2023 11:07

I’m sorry OP. How rubbish. I admire you for taking the bull by the horns.

Looking back, I think I pushed my husband into agreeing to get married. I assumed he was just being laid back because he wasn’t too bothered. Actually, we weren’t right for each other and he probably saw that more clearly but in his words thought ‘it was worth a punt’.

Whilst I would never regret our children I wish to god I had found someone who wanted to be with me because the idea of not being with me was inconceivable.

However much it hurts right now you should hold out for someone who bloody loves you and needs no extra time to know that they want to wake up next to you every morning.

Yeah, well some of us are just not that special. Settling ain't so bad. DH is a good man. Desolate without me, he ain't.

Purplecatshopaholic · 10/11/2023 17:38

Inertia · 10/11/2023 11:12

He isn’t committed, and he’ll string you along for an easy life until he meets someone he does want to marry and have children with.

Cut out the years of hanging on and bin him off.

Yup. He’s been future faking you, sorry op. Cut your losses and move on. Well done you on pushing the issue - you are seeing him for who he is while it’s not too late to meet someone else if it’s kids you want.

Lastchancechica · 10/11/2023 17:47

I would end it now. Take control.

Any man that needs a week to decide if he loves you is not worth keeping quite frankly.

He will either discover how much you mean to him, or he will accept your decision.

Know your worth op.
Don’t settle for any half hearted nonsense.

CatsWillRuleTheWorld · 10/11/2023 17:48

In theory, there's no reason why a woman shouldn't ask a man to marry her, and saying otherwise sounds like sexism. In practice, though, men who want to get married generally tend to take the initiative. Men who really want children (with you, or in general) also tend to bring it up first, from what I've heard.

A wise older lady said this to me once and I think it's true: there's no point in faffing about and wondering what men want, it's almost never a mystery. Men generally do what they want, they are not socialised to second-guess themselves, carefully consider other people's feelings etc. the way women are. When they want something, they go for it. Unfortunately I don't think your boyfriend wants marriage or children. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you or care about you, but you want different things and it won't work out.

Didimum · 10/11/2023 17:51

OP, you should speak to him ASAP and tell him you are not comfortable with his response. Don’t let him try to convince you of anything. The only acceptable thing to think about is whether he wants a registry office or a more traditional wedding. If that’s not what he’s weighing up then he isn’t the one for you.

grrrrarrg · 10/11/2023 17:54

AtrociousCircumstance · 10/11/2023 11:06

OP, when he fobs you off in a weeks time (he’ll either say no or ‘maybe in a few years’ I imagine) be ready to say it’s a deal breaker for you. Be very clear that you want to be a parent and you want to be married, so it needs to be planned and take place very soon, and if that is truly not what he wants then you will have to move on.

Be very clear with him but mostly importantly yourself. Don’t waste any more time.

Edited

100% this.

Ticketyboo123 · 10/11/2023 18:13

Not married but he does have children. Got someone pregnant unintended after a couple of months of dating. Moved in with her and they’re still living in the same tiny flat 13 years on… I am not in contact with him anymore but still friends with mutual friends. Apparently he still can’t handle change!

pikkumyy77 · 10/11/2023 18:14

Yeah, well some of us are just not that special. Settling ain't so bad. DH is a good man. Desolate without me, he ain't.

How bizarre and sad.

Ticketyboo123 · 10/11/2023 18:17

Sorry meant to reply to @Afteropening

coxesorangepippin · 10/11/2023 19:14

I've noticed that not a single poster, or not many at all, have told me to just wait around for him to change his mind.

^

Nope. After several years he's made his mind up

Afteropening · 10/11/2023 19:17

Ticketyboo123 · 10/11/2023 18:13

Not married but he does have children. Got someone pregnant unintended after a couple of months of dating. Moved in with her and they’re still living in the same tiny flat 13 years on… I am not in contact with him anymore but still friends with mutual friends. Apparently he still can’t handle change!

Well to be fair - the only thing that hasn’t changed is the flat. He met someone, she fell pregnant and 13 years later they are still together!

Rainbowqueeen · 10/11/2023 19:42

Op this may feel hard now but it’s going to feel worse in a few years time if you are still with this guy and unmarried. You have been very kind and patient. And he has been uncaring and dishonest. He knows he doesn’t want to marry you. But he doesn’t want to live on his own He likes the bill splitting, care and support and regular sex with no effort on his part.
Start making an exit plan. You deserve so much more

porridgeisbae · 10/11/2023 19:44

@excuseme678 PP's are right that even if he agrees, he could still back out. I had one that backed out twice. One time I even had to cancel the church.

porridgeisbae · 10/11/2023 19:47

Yeah, well some of us are just not that special. Settling ain't so bad. DH is a good man. Desolate without me, he ain't.

Aww I'm sure there's a guy out there that would really be keen on you.

coldcallerbaiter · 10/11/2023 19:57

I think now cohabitation is a viable option, lots of men will only be interested in marriage if the woman is worth it. They may hold out because they have time to. Worth it could include punching above his weight in some way eg finances or attractiveness etc

VWdieselnightmare · 11/11/2023 12:19

OP, while you wait for his response you have a few days to start planning your new life without him. Instead of thinking of the end of this relationship as a loss, can you chalk it up to experience, shut the door on it and imagine what this interesting and potentially rewarding new stage might look like? Try and focus on the positive side of change, not on what you will be waving goodbye to.This might be a chance to move to a new area, pursue a job change, focus on something that you've always wanted to do. The happier and busier and more sure of what you want, the more likely you are to spot and attract the right partner for you. Don't let things drift. Take control: build a better life. Good luck.

BenE3looking · 11/11/2023 13:13

Don't take his thunder away from him - it's in men's gift when the proposal comes. Might not be fair, but thems the rules. And some men (my ex-husband for instance) always wanted to have that responsibility in his court - made him feel like a man and not 'under the thumb'.

From what you've said it sounds like he does want to marry you, otherwise he wouldn't have responded in the affirmative to begin with. He might just want to regain control.

That said - you should continue to be totally honest with him. Say to him "listen dickhead - remember 90s Disney classic Hocus Pocus? Well the magic of black flame candle of my fertility is almost spent; dawn approaches. You know I've always wanted a child. And not on toast like Bette Midler - that would be infanticide. So we need to get a move on, or you need to tell me asap if you're not on board - so I can figure out how I get some willing seed in my uterus. I love you lots. But I love motherhood more."

BenE3looking · 11/11/2023 13:14
Hocus Pocus GIF

Sisters!

Lastchancechica · 11/11/2023 13:45

BenE3looking · 11/11/2023 13:13

Don't take his thunder away from him - it's in men's gift when the proposal comes. Might not be fair, but thems the rules. And some men (my ex-husband for instance) always wanted to have that responsibility in his court - made him feel like a man and not 'under the thumb'.

From what you've said it sounds like he does want to marry you, otherwise he wouldn't have responded in the affirmative to begin with. He might just want to regain control.

That said - you should continue to be totally honest with him. Say to him "listen dickhead - remember 90s Disney classic Hocus Pocus? Well the magic of black flame candle of my fertility is almost spent; dawn approaches. You know I've always wanted a child. And not on toast like Bette Midler - that would be infanticide. So we need to get a move on, or you need to tell me asap if you're not on board - so I can figure out how I get some willing seed in my uterus. I love you lots. But I love motherhood more."

What have I just read?! It’s 2023!!!!!!!

MumblesParty · 11/11/2023 13:52

OP, no one in their right mind will tell you to give him more time and wait for him, not if you want kids and you’re in your 30s. It would be different if you were early 20s. Plenty of people (men and women) aren’t ready for marriage that that age, so it would be worth sticking around to see if things moved forwards. But in your 30s, after being together for 3 years - well you don’t have the luxury of waiting around. Trust me, your fertility will be diminishing while he can string you along for another 5 years, and then have kids with a younger woman.

SerafinasGoose · 11/11/2023 13:59

it's in men's gift when the proposal comes. Might not be fair, but thems the rules.

No. They are really not.

SwingTheMonkey · 11/11/2023 14:33

BenE3looking · 11/11/2023 13:13

Don't take his thunder away from him - it's in men's gift when the proposal comes. Might not be fair, but thems the rules. And some men (my ex-husband for instance) always wanted to have that responsibility in his court - made him feel like a man and not 'under the thumb'.

From what you've said it sounds like he does want to marry you, otherwise he wouldn't have responded in the affirmative to begin with. He might just want to regain control.

That said - you should continue to be totally honest with him. Say to him "listen dickhead - remember 90s Disney classic Hocus Pocus? Well the magic of black flame candle of my fertility is almost spent; dawn approaches. You know I've always wanted a child. And not on toast like Bette Midler - that would be infanticide. So we need to get a move on, or you need to tell me asap if you're not on board - so I can figure out how I get some willing seed in my uterus. I love you lots. But I love motherhood more."

Jesus Christ. Are you ok?

Wills · 11/11/2023 16:22

In fairness to @BenE3looking whilst it is almost 2024 many men don't seem to have received the memo on equality for women.

Mari9999 · 11/11/2023 16:51

@Lastchancechica
Loving you and being ready to be a husband and father are not the same thing. You can love a man or woman very much and yet know at the same time that you are not prepared are willing to become a spouse or parent.

No matter how much you may love someone, to allow them to use that love as leverage to pressure you into a marriage or reproduction for which you do not feel prepared is grossly irresponsible .

Marriage and parenthood should only happen when both parties know with certainty that this is what they want and are prepared to undertake.

Just as most people do not want "pity sex" ,so too should they not want " obligation or pity engagement. "