He said yes then asked for more time

[excuseme678]

After several years I decided to take the bull by the horns and I asked my partner what he thought of us booking a registry office for a year's time from now. We don't have the money for a big wedding and I'm honestly happy with a registry office.
Age isn't on my side unfortunately.
He said 'yes that could be good'. I asked him several times, are you sure? I don't want to pressure you, are you certain?' He said yes.
I was crying tears of joy, I asked him if I should tell my family and his etc. And he said yes.
We were hugging and I was so happy, I didn't know if this day would ever come.
I said to him one last time, as long as you're certain you're ready, you can have time to think about it if you want.
He said 'actually, can I have time to think about it?'
I said yes that's fine, and asked him to tell me next week.
I'm actually not sure how to feel now, he already knew I wanted to get married and I'm scared he said yes because it's what I wanted to hear. What do people think, I'm just really not sure what he'll say. I feel embarrassed tbh.

@excuseme678
A date won't protect you.. The trip to the Registry office or a church is the only absolute certainty.

Maybe, he just isn't ready to be married. Only you can decide what your priorities are. Don't give him a ultimatum date, instead give yourself the date. Know how long you are willing to stay without marriage if that is your line in the sand. Boundaries are put in place for you.

I think sometimes we forget that all of the issues and weariness that couples experience in marriage also happen when living together. The clock does not wait for marriage to start ticking. Sometimes, the attraction and excitement is over before the actual marriage ever takes place.

It is totally possible to be committed without being married and to live happily with children while not married. I guess you need to work out whether its the idea of marriage itself that he doesnt want (my husband really wasnt bothered about getting married for years) - but if he shows committment to you in other ways dont make this a deal breaker.

I think that's perfectly reasonable.

The only thing I think the OP did at all wrong was asking him several times in the immediate aftermath of her proposal whether he was sure.

If someone had proposed and I'd said yes, I wouldn't the person continually asking for reassurance that I really meant it immediately afterwards, and offering me 'time'. Especially if I were, as the OP's partner clearly is, just marrying because the other person wanted to. That in no way necessarily means he doesn't love her or see a future with her -- I had absolutely no desire to get married, though I loved and was fully committed to me longterm partner. I only got married because he really wanted to. That doesn't make me a bad person.

My husband would have loved to have just bumbled along, but after 6 years together I told him either do something to keep me or I'm off. It took him a couple of months to get his head around it but he proposed. We married 2 years later and celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary this year.

Better he said now that he wants more time rather than yes and you told everyone and then he got cold feet. What Rory McIlroy did to Caroline Wozniacki was just cruel, after a long public relationship and engagement, he called it off the day after the wedding invites went out!!!!

Sorry for you OP but think it's time to cut your losses.

@MargotBamborough

you wrote this up so well. I agree. If you get to stage 3, it’s because he doesn’t want to marry you.

I’ve been in stage 3. Even convinced the man we should marry. A few years and one very expensive divorce later I luckily got my relationship with DH. DH could not wait to marry me.

I'm sorry, OP, but he doesn't want to marry you.

Read this post over and over OP. I’ve been on MN for 20 years and I’ve watched this play out time and again. Men procrastinate, women wait patiently, and then it’s too late. Quite often the man goes off with a younger woman, gets married almost immediately, and goes on to have kids, while the former girlfriend is left wondering what the hell happened.
Don’t let that be you OP.

You need to have a serious and honest talk with him, and don’t take any bullshit.

Those who said he changed his mind because you asked a few times are being silly. Men aren't some timid forrest creature you can scare off by asking them something several times

Must admit to being very wary of people who ask the same question over and over after I have answered them
I assume my answer wasn’t what they wanted to hear so change it

I wouldn't want to wait a year in my mid thirties, having been together for a few years. By then you pretty much know which way you want to jump. Wait the week, hear what he has to say, and I'd be very offended if it were anything other than yes and as soon as possible. Another year is time you don't have to be messing around with your biological clock waiting for him given you would need to dump him, move out, date, find someone else and start trying, if you think of it like that it is a waste of a year when he 's faffing, because he can't say the actual truth.

You asked him several times - perhaps because he didn't give a response that showed real enthusiasum for marrying you. You know him well. Your instinct was probably sound.

He seems happy with the way things are but doesn't want to make this relationship his only option. He is still waiting for the woman of his dreams OP.

OP, I lived with a nice man for three years in my early 30s. We'd both said, when we first met and again, six months into the relationship when we moved in together, that we wanted children. The first couple of years we focussed on careers and fun, but I knew my biological clock was ticking a bit louder and when he didn't raise the issue of starting a family and marriage I did what you did and proposed that we move to the next stage — making it legal and having children. His response was 'Yes, let's — but I really need to focus on my career for the next 18 months. But after that, yes.'

Soon after that I was offered a very good job opportunity in the US and, knowing that we had 18 months before getting down to marriage and children I took it. Our relationship survived about six months. He didn't seem that bothered about saving it.

Two years after we split up I moved back to London and went to an art exhibition where someone we both knew had some work on display. He was there with his absolutely gorgeous wife (seven years younger than me) and she was holding their baby. Mutual friends had tactfully 'forgotten' to let me know that within three months of splitting up with me he'd met her and they were married and pregnant within the year.

Flogging a dead horse here op

Move on

And him out

Anyone can ask anyone to marry them, we're not in the 1950s anymore.

But when they don't want to get married, and you do, then thats not going to work out

Did you previously have a discussion about marriage and kids and the timeliness? If the timeline has gone without any discussion then he's not wanting marriage and kids with you.

If you've never actually talked about it. The time is now. You just need to decide if you're ready to walk away if your desires don't match

Ive been here Op and wasted 7 years, He doesn't want to- get out while you can still have kids with someone else

Personally I don’t really understand the grand proposal thing no matter which partner proposes. Marriage and kids is something I think a couple should have discussed at length from the beginning, particularly if they are of a certain age when they meet. If it isn’t a natural evolution of the relationship (unless they have agreed it’s just not for them) and is something that makes the person asking nervous because they might say no, that should be a major red flag.

Women often feel if they’ve invested time and all that goes with it into a relationship that they can’t risk giving it up (like throwing good money after bad!). I’ve been there. Luckily I was early 30s but I wasted a whopping 10 years.

The way I got out was allowing myself to really imagine how devastated I’d feel losing the future I imagined. The resentment and anger actually helped a ton to feel the loss of the relationship less intensely. I look back with relief.

My experience reflects many others' - 10 years with someone who was constantly finding reasons as to why we couldn't get married, he did finally propose (after about 8 years) and I had to postpone the "wedding" twice (including cancelling venues, bought a dress etc, very embarassing and painful)... Eventually things happened and I left him. I have no doubt he loved me and never meant to hurt me, but for his own issues/reasons he didn't genuinely truly want marriage or children with me. I am so glad that we didn't have children together.

Single for 2 years after, at 34 started thinking about sperm donors/egg freezing. Just before 35 met the One, you just absolutely truly know. Engaged almost a year to the day of meeting each other, he can't wait to marry me (and never wanted to be married before). Oh and we're about to have a baby in a few weeks.

It's your life story, you're writing it. Just chimed in to add to all the posters saying he doesn't truly want to marry you. That's not a reflection of you, it's just who he is. Now is a good time to start thinking about breaking up and getting ready for the future you want.

All the best!

He doesn't want to but doesn't want to say no, why would you want to if he isn't gushing over the idea. Several years is plenty long enough to know than to fob you off another week, don't keep waiting if he still doesn't know after a week.

It's hard op. Give him that week but also take that time yourself to try and imagine different scenarios and what you would do if he doesnt want to marry.

My sister proposed to her partner after years being togther and he just laughed and said marriage wasn't important. It hurt her but she wanted to stay with him and did. He didn't really want marriage or kids after always saying maybe. Now in her 50s she regrets missing out on kids.

Another couple I know were togther for years and she gave him an ultimatum so he proposed. They divorced a year later.

Other couples I know never got married but have kids and are totally committed to each other.

Every couple is so different but try to evaluate your relationship. Make sure you want the same things in life whilst it's not too late. Good luck as I know decisions like this can be so hard.

Have you had the children chat yet?
Does he know that fertility drops off a cliff for women in their mid 30s?

The only reason I say that is that my DH didn't realise.
We'd been together for 5 years. I was 32 and said if he didn't want DC then we need to split up. He genuinely didn't realise about fertility in women - I showed him graphs etc. He proposed to me 2 weeks later.
Got married the next year, had first DC 18 months later.

TBH, having DC was more important to me than getting married but I knew he would want to be married first.

You need to be crystal clear about what you want.

There are three outcomes to this, yes,no and my way.

I think you need to think about what you’re going to say in a weeks time, you have gathered everyone’s opinion and he has said give me a week and you feel hurt.

In one weeks time if he says, ok let’s book for a years time, you are going to have to spend a year wondering and a lifetime knowing he had to think about if he wants to settle for you (because that’s what it sounds like).

If he says no don’t do it, your going to have to leave him. There’s no shame in being heartbroken even if you have finished the relationship.

The only thing that would swing this for me would be if within a week he proposed to you and said why wait l have booked it for us, l just wanted to be the one proposing which let’s face it could be the reason there’s a 33% of this.

Bite the bullet tonight and say look l’m not waiting a week, save yourself the anguish of the next week.

Good luck

A proposal/decision to get married doesn't have to be OTT romantic or a big gesture but it does need to be sincere and "right" for both people. Without overthinking it or trying to please anyone else but yourself, does this situation feel right for you?

If the story of your "engagement" was retold in speech at your wedding? Would your friends and family think it was sweet or have a giggle with you, or would they be concerned for your future happiness?

Actions are what you want, not words.

My ex husband told me he loved me every day. I don't actually now believe he ever did.

So he might be saying all sorts of things, what's he actually doing that shows he loves you and wants to have a long, fulfilling life with you?

It’s a common tale. I’m so sorry for your friend.