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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grown Ds back home but there isn't room with our little ones.

281 replies

stripesanddots · 09/11/2023 12:32

When I was 16 I had a relationship with an older man who had a partner and child I didn't know about at the time.
I got pregnant and had a little boy as I turned 17.

I still lived at home, it wasn't planned and I didn't know I was pregnant until I was quite far gone so instead of adoption which my parents encouraged his Dad and partner brought him up.

He was happy but I spent a lot of his life regretting that I didn't keep him and struggling with the loss although I still had contact with ds at weekends so I was still part of his life.
I later met dh and we had dc, who then had their own rooms.
Ds is now 23 but at 17 he fell out with his dad and step mum and moved in with dh and I and our dc, so I put our dc in together and gave ds a bedroom.
At first I was delighted to have ds back but he's now 23 and has no plans to ever leave.

He has a job but it doesn't pay well, for his own sake I'd like him to make plans to try and make it on his own, he's been back here 6 years and it's been lovely but I'd like him to be a grown up now and plan his future without making him feel unwanted.

Our own dc were also only a baby and toddler when he moved in and as they're the opposite sex we really need his room eventually which sounds terrible but when we had the dc we had no idea Ds would be moving in.
A bigger house is not an option as we both work flat out to pay this mortgage.

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 09/11/2023 12:34

What kind of contribution does he make to the house and how old are your other children?

countvoncount · 09/11/2023 12:40

Sounds like he is unwanted though?

Original poster
stripesanddots · 09/11/2023 12:40

The other dc are 7 and 8. He pays £100 a week which is a lot but includes a share of bills and includes his dinners which I cook a free run of the fridge when he's peckish and his laundry. We only charge what he uses.

OP posts:
Original poster
stripesanddots · 09/11/2023 12:42

countvoncount · 09/11/2023 12:40

Sounds like he is unwanted though?

I know and that's what I'm worried about but he's 23 and I think he's just comfortable and I'm not sure that's good for him in the long run.

OP posts:
margotrose · 09/11/2023 12:42

At 7 and 8 they can still share for another couple of years yet.

It does sound you just want him gone for your own convenience.

snoreb · 09/11/2023 12:42

Just tell him you don't want him anymore and you'd prefer him to move out so your younger children can take precedence.

AmazingSnakeHead · 09/11/2023 12:44

These replies are so funny because if OP had raised him then everyone would be saying of course a grown man needs to move out.

Cottagecheeseisnotcheese · 09/11/2023 12:46

is there room in your garden gfor a garden room / cabin which could be his bedroom den but you could organise it all and then he decides to move in with his partner 3 months later

The alternative is an adult conversation saying to him when the 8 year old is 10 they will need separate rooms, on the presumption you can't move to a 4 bed or extend or even if you can extend you can't afford to. so you tell your son that he will need to get his own flat or houseshare by then, obviously if he comes home for a holiday or Christmas he can use the sofa ( or sofa bed) in the lounge

Finteq · 09/11/2023 12:46

He's 23.

He needs to makensome.plans for his future.

What qualifications does he have?

Is he working?

What are his plans for the future?

He needs to think about the future and make his plans.

What does he do at home?

Does he have any chores etc?

Sounds like because of the past you are handling him very carefully. But that isn't what he needs.

Not sure how confident you feel in acting like a mum to him. But that is what he needs. He needs guidance for his future so he isn't in this same situation in 5 years time.

He needs help launching into his future. This does not necessary mean he needs to move out.
But he should be helping out with chores at home as a minimum- cooking and cleaning too.

GreatShaker · 09/11/2023 12:47

In the circumstances I don’t think you can tell him to move out. He already feels like he’s been rejected by you once. Have an honest, adult conversation about the space issue and see what he says. Could he pay more and help to finance an extension, for example.

OhNoForever · 09/11/2023 12:47

AmazingSnakeHead · 09/11/2023 12:44

These replies are so funny because if OP had raised him then everyone would be saying of course a grown man needs to move out.

This

GentlemansRelish · 09/11/2023 12:48

AmazingSnakeHead · 09/11/2023 12:44

These replies are so funny because if OP had raised him then everyone would be saying of course a grown man needs to move out.

But surely it's not exactly difficult to see that the situation is so sensitive precisely because the OP didn't raise him?

Heyhoherewegoagain · 09/11/2023 12:49

stripesanddots · 09/11/2023 12:42

I know and that's what I'm worried about but he's 23 and I think he's just comfortable and I'm not sure that's good for him in the long run.

Show quote history

23 is still young. My youngest is 21 and I’m in no rush to push him out.
I think given his start in life you need to tread very carefully. In his mind he may see it that you “rejected” him as a baby, then his father has rejected him in favour of the stepmum, and now his mum’s rejecting him all over again in favour of her younger children.

If he were mine I’d be holding him very close

Finteq · 09/11/2023 12:50

Sounds like his job doesn't pay him enough- what are his plans about this?

Is he hoping to get a promotion?

Is he doing any qualifications on the side?

Now us the time when he has the least responsibilities and extra time to do this work.

Right now it just seems like he is cruising and very comfortable,with no real motivation to improve his lifestyle.

Does he have friends- does he go out?
Is he in a relationship?

He needs to improve his job prospects while he has the chance and time.

Finteq · 09/11/2023 12:51

Heyhoherewegoagain · 09/11/2023 12:49

23 is still young. My youngest is 21 and I’m in no rush to push him out.
I think given his start in life you need to tread very carefully. In his mind he may see it that you “rejected” him as a baby, then his father has rejected him in favour of the stepmum, and now his mum’s rejecting him all over again in favour of her younger children.

If he were mine I’d be holding him very close

Show quote history

You don't have to push him out.

But some steps should be taken so he has the tools that will enable him to be independent if needed. This includes improving his job prospects.

rwalker · 09/11/2023 12:52

The back story is irrelevant it’s a normal setup you need more room turfing the oldest child out isn’t a solution

AnnListersBlister · 09/11/2023 12:54

He sounds like quite a 'young' 23 year old OP, quite possibly to do with his upbringing (I don't say this to criticise you at all), just to state that he may feel rejected by his Mum whom he now gets to see raising his siblings.

Others have asked valid questions but also, what is your relationship like with him? It seems you treat him in a bit of an 'infantilising' way and I totally understand why you would, but as a PP says, that isn't good for him.

That said, I don't feel you can make him move out. What you can do is help empower him and see himself as a capable young man who will want to move out soon, hopefully before the situation with your youngers becomes too pressing.

BoohooWoohoo · 09/11/2023 12:55

You should focus on helping him progress. For example does he have a driving license? Can you encourage him to go for promotions at work or get qualifications that will help him earn more? Now is the perfect time for him to work on himself before he has responsibilities like children.

Ponderingwindow · 09/11/2023 12:56

From the information provided, the 23yo is doing the right things. He is working. He is paying rent. Is he saving?

if he wasn’t being a responsible young adult, it would make sense to push him, but if he is doing all the right things, then it’s a parents job to help out.

once he came to live with you, you wouldn’t have been paying maintenance anymore. Couldn’t that money have been put towards housing?

InTheRainOnATrain · 09/11/2023 12:56

You’ve got 2 years before you really need to separate the younger 2, so use that time to help him develop his career, study for qualifications, save some money etc. and hopefully it’ll just happen by itself!

BeingGivenMoney · 09/11/2023 12:57

I’m really sorry you went through that when you were 17, that must have been incredibly difficult and I can’t imagine how vulnerable and pressured you felt from your family and the child’s father.

As someone who got pregnant at 16, I fully understand the sadness involved when it comes to losing your own voice and having decisions made for you and your baby by other people who think they know best. It’s really awful with long last emotional effects.

Whatever the outcome is, I just wanted to come and give you some solidarity and support for what was probably a really awful time in your life.

Original poster
stripesanddots · 09/11/2023 13:00

He doesn't do any chores at home but dh and I are happy to as we would do it anyway, he works very long hours, did struggle academically so doesn't earn much but works hard and he loves his work.

OP posts:
Givemepickles · 09/11/2023 13:01

Are any of the bedrooms big enough to divide into 2 with a partition wall and your younger ones go in one side each? Could that be a solution?

NeedToChangeName · 09/11/2023 13:01

Your children are 7 and 8. They can share for a while longer. Not ideal, but if your 23YO feels unwelcome, your relationship with him might never recover

MissyB1 · 09/11/2023 13:01

He’s paying you £400 a month yes? So how much money does that leave him to save for a deposit on a rental? It’s really expensive for young people to find their own place these days, even just a one bed flat. Also he may have confidence issues due to his past.
Sit down and ask him what he would like out of life, whether he would like support from you to get his own place. Then work out a plan together how he could achieve that.