Grown Ds back home but there isn't room with our little ones.

[stripesanddots]

When I was 16 I had a relationship with an older man who had a partner and child I didn't know about at the time.
I got pregnant and had a little boy as I turned 17.

I still lived at home, it wasn't planned and I didn't know I was pregnant until I was quite far gone so instead of adoption which my parents encouraged his Dad and partner brought him up.

He was happy but I spent a lot of his life regretting that I didn't keep him and struggling with the loss although I still had contact with ds at weekends so I was still part of his life.
I later met dh and we had dc, who then had their own rooms.
Ds is now 23 but at 17 he fell out with his dad and step mum and moved in with dh and I and our dc, so I put our dc in together and gave ds a bedroom.
At first I was delighted to have ds back but he's now 23 and has no plans to ever leave.

He has a job but it doesn't pay well, for his own sake I'd like him to make plans to try and make it on his own, he's been back here 6 years and it's been lovely but I'd like him to be a grown up now and plan his future without making him feel unwanted.

Our own dc were also only a baby and toddler when he moved in and as they're the opposite sex we really need his room eventually which sounds terrible but when we had the dc we had no idea Ds would be moving in.
A bigger house is not an option as we both work flat out to pay this mortgage.

My best friend had a baby when she was 16, the father didn’t stand by her. She didn’t abandon her child, she brought her child up. She became friends with one or two other girls at school who had babies as teenagers, they had something in common. Those girls also brought up their children, I am not in touch with the others now, but I am friends with them on Facebook and it is very clear they have all been remarkable mothers to their children aand are very close. We are all 53 now, so they were teen mothers in the mid 1980s, but they did it and very nicely.

I am sure it was hard at 16 but OP has not been 16 this whole time, it is about time she steps up. The whole thing slaps of him coming back was a nice novelty but she is a bit bored of him now and he needs to move on so she can focus on the real family.

Are the other adults in the house also using £400 a head each on bills and food because I've never known a bills and food bill like that.

Do you think it’s too low or too high? £400 is pretty much my bills and food budget, only I don’t have anyone doing my laundry, cooking or share of the housework.

Make him share his room with the other male child. I bet he’ll start looking for alternative accommodation pretty quickly.

@Mortimercat

Did your friend have supportive parents who accepted their grandchild? Or did her parents want the kid adopted away.

@arintingly he is old enough to do his own chores. !

I agree but he doesn't right now

Ffs don’t say this

to tell any child, however old they are that they are not wanted if horrible

just start having a conversation about future plans, getting a place of his own, what’s around in your area? Can he afford it anyway?

I feel awful about the past and lived every day regretting the choice I made but at the time I thought I was doing the right thing.
But me and Ds have a good relationship and I appreciate everything that his step mum did and how difficult it all was.
I also know him well and understand 100% what I've done to him and will spend the rest of my life trying to make it up and making sure he doesn't feel I didn't love him because I do and I tell him every day."

If the above is true then make him a priority. Help him to get a better paid job and sort out his future. As you know he may not have the confidence or the know how.

(You do sound as though he is a inconvenience and you actually want him to just go away without you having ti feel guilty, so you can have the family you envisaged with your other two children)

I think your 23yo needs to know he is welcome and valued in your home for a long while to come, if that is what he needs. Besides, he may well need some support because of his ADHD. And besides all that, it may be very very difficult for him to find somewhere else to live. In some areas there is a terrible housing shortage, rents are unaffordable, and landlords are super cautious about who they will rent to.

So you need to look at practical solutions which involve him staying at home until he is ready to leave.

As an aside, despite his long hours, you should be getting him to do at least a token amount of housework so he acquires the necessary skills for when he lives independently. Do it as slowly and supportively as you like, but don't neglect that aspect of his education altogether.

I am sure it was hard at 16 but OP has not been 16 this whole time, it is about time she steps up.

How do you "step up" and bring up a 23 year old man?

I also think that as part of the discussion as how to manage things as a family, with three adults who are earning, it is important that he does his fair share of chores in the house. He does need to learn how to clean, tidy and cook. All of these things can happen in a supported way, so that he feels that you are supporting him to becoming an independent adult rather than feeling like he is being pushed out.

And mine. Exactly what I was going to post. And the OP was only just 17 at that.

I simply can’t imagine throwing a child out, at any age.

Yes, ideally they will be moved out by 23. But I have many friends and colleagues whose kids have moved back home after uni and are still there in their mid-twenties. Many of them simply can’t afford to rent or buy.

I think you should provide a home for your son for as long as he needs one.

They put her through many months of demanding she had an abortion. I remember the arguments they kept saying “it is a termination not an abortion” and she would scream back at them “it’s the same thing”.

This was 1986 and it was well not unheard of at all, but it was unusual.

You don’t kick him out in favour of your new children. You sort the living arrangements.

Never get this thing about kicking them out. Renting and cost of living is stupidly high. He’s paying you a lot of money to live there.

You need to rethink your living arrangements. We had 3 leave at 26, 28, 29. Because they were saving for deposits. There’s no way they can get on the housing ladder. I’d never turf my children out no matter what their age.

Being abandoned by your birth mother is going to have life long effects for anybody. You can sugar coat it all you like but going on to have another family and more children would have affected him. I'm glad you were there for him when he needed you, but I would tread lightly about asking him to move out because your other children need extra room. This could cause all kind of abandonment issues that will have lifelong effects on his mental health.

You need to help and guide him now, is he interested in moving in with friends? Does he want to go to university? Is there a career he would like to progress in? I think you owe it to him to give him another few years to get his situation sorted out whilst being in an emotionally stable home.

Exactly.
It's still so young

The 7&8 year old can share. I think he'll feel rejected again if you ask him to leave.

The little ones will be fine sharing for a while yet.

23 is young these days especially for a boy. They can feel very lost in this modern world, especially given his history, also ADHD. I wouldn’t mention moving out ever (I have a teen boy with Sen). With a low wage, and alone, he could get extremely miserable and have sod all money.

reorganise your house, get clever storage. Maybe divide the biggest room for your 2 little ones, take the medium room for you and your ds has the smallest.

let go of the past regrets. You were a child, victim of a dirty man and the adults around you. You are the adult now, you can be the one in control. Don’t try and get your ds out before he’s ready. Let it happen naturally so it’s exciting (eg moving in with a gf bf etc).

OP does DS understand the circumstances of how he came to be born, how old (young) you were and the pressure you were under?

This

Stop taking £400 off him (that’s a lot!) then he will be able to save to move out quicker.

He works full time and pays rent when you haven’t provided a home for him ever.
He now still doesn’t have a home with you going forward because you clearly didn’t ever consider him when buying your current house either. You’re not holding up your end of the bargain in this!!

It does seem he is like an inconvenience to you and is unwanted. Poor lad.

And that at 23 should be bringing up a 7yo old the same age as his sibling is.

Yep because that will prove to him how much he's a wanted member of the 'family'?
"Ha we're going to make it unpleasant as we can so you'll move out".
Well he has lived with his mum for nearly a quarter of his life now, a whole 6ish years. Her input is of course over!
Did he not ever have an over night before 16? Was there never talk of it becoming 50:50 by the time you had a property of your own?