Grown Ds back home but there isn't room with our little ones.

[stripesanddots]

When I was 16 I had a relationship with an older man who had a partner and child I didn't know about at the time.
I got pregnant and had a little boy as I turned 17.

I still lived at home, it wasn't planned and I didn't know I was pregnant until I was quite far gone so instead of adoption which my parents encouraged his Dad and partner brought him up.

He was happy but I spent a lot of his life regretting that I didn't keep him and struggling with the loss although I still had contact with ds at weekends so I was still part of his life.
I later met dh and we had dc, who then had their own rooms.
Ds is now 23 but at 17 he fell out with his dad and step mum and moved in with dh and I and our dc, so I put our dc in together and gave ds a bedroom.
At first I was delighted to have ds back but he's now 23 and has no plans to ever leave.

He has a job but it doesn't pay well, for his own sake I'd like him to make plans to try and make it on his own, he's been back here 6 years and it's been lovely but I'd like him to be a grown up now and plan his future without making him feel unwanted.

Our own dc were also only a baby and toddler when he moved in and as they're the opposite sex we really need his room eventually which sounds terrible but when we had the dc we had no idea Ds would be moving in.
A bigger house is not an option as we both work flat out to pay this mortgage.

I'd let him know that in set period of time he will need to start sharing with your other son as it will become inappropriate for your daughter to share. This solves the issue without kicking him out. He may decide this isn't what he wants and moves out. But he has a bed at yours

In some ways you owe him a lot for all of the time he didn’t live with you.
I don’t think 6/23 years is a lot.

23 is also still quite young and with the cost of rent I can imagine there are lots of 23yo still living at home.

I would chat to him about his future plans.
Explain that the younger ones will need their own space and if he’s not looking to move out soon, then you’ll have to look into getting a bigger property.

He should be contributing and I’d definitely help him by trying to get him a good job etc.

Why did he fall out with his dad?
Is there any way to resolve this?

It seems really sad that his dad raised him and he left as a teen and hadn’t gone back.

If his dads got a spare room then perhaps encouraging him to rebuild this relationship would be the perfect solution.

Exactly. He's paying his way so that should be enough.

If he had been given the gift of a stable home life as a child he probably wouldn't be clinging to OP now that she wants him. My DSSis is exactly the same. Her DF didn't want her when she was little then suddenly he let her move in when she was 16 and fell out with our mother, and she has never left and is now in her mid-thirties. She holds down a job etc but I think on some level she just needs to know she is safe and wanted because abandonment can really fuck you up even if you seem to be a functioning adult.

Good idea!

Everyone very well might say that in regards to your scenario. However this situation is quite different and likely needs to be treated with more sensitivity. The young man may already have abandonment issues due to his early life experiences and so the OP needs to tread very differently than if your given scenario were the case.

Not sure what to say about the long term that's tricky ...but in the here and now your two younger children cannot go on sharing a room for the foreseeable.

I think you have to have a frank conversation with eldest, saying he is always welcome but he will have to share a room with younger brother.

I havent got any solutions because having been given up by his DM as a baby it must be quite hard for the lad. I imagine living with his DM is some kind of resolution to a lot of things he had to deal with as a kid.

I would be interested to know why he fell out with his DD. At 17 your DS was getting to be a young man and that is often when they need some hard truths about working, growing up and being a good man. I wonder if this is the time you stepped in and gave him an alternative 'out' while his DD was trying to deal with these struggles. If that is the case you not only have a mixed up DS who may not want to cut ties with his DM, you may have a DS who has been able to escape responsibility and hard choices.

Difficult

The poor guy. Unwanted by all.

I think this is the perfect response!

Maybe have a casual chat with him and drop in that you’ll need him to start clearing some space to move his younger brother in with him to share his room eventually as your DD will need a room of her own at some point in the next year. Nothing formal or with you and your DH talking to him together or he’ll know it’s a big thing.

That will probably be enough to put the thought of independence into his head, especially when he realises that little brothers have lights out a lot earlier than he’s used to.

I'd give him warning that your younger son will soon need to share a room with him (and give your daughter the smallest room). Include him in the plans for redecorating/refurnishing etc.

(As an NPE, I'm fascinated by the dynamics between you and his stepmother and biological father, but appreciate this isn't the place to discuss).

If you can extend the house, loft conversion that sort of thing it would sort out the problem
I wouldn’t be asking my son to leave I would be trying to make it work.
You have 3 children.

I think you should get him to do chores - doesn't have to be a lot but he is an adult and adults should participate in the running of the home. It has lots of benefits - making him feel more capable, teaching him how to do it, making him feel part of the unit, not just a visitor. My 4 and 7 year olds do chores. I honestly think it's bad parenting to do everything for your kids.

On the wider issue, I think I would try and talk to him about it as a shared problem. So opening the conversation something like "X and Y are growing up and won't be able to share in a couple of years. We adore having you here as well. We can't afford a bigger place. What should we do?" And then talk through the options - dividing rooms, somehow financing an extension or garden room, him sharing with his brother, him moving out, but doing it together as the adults in the household

Why not tell him that in two or three years your daughter will need her own room, so he will either have to share with your younger son - or can he think of another solution.....?

OP however you approach this, you need to be very mindful that you brought him into the world then left him with someone else. Even if you had very good reasons (being young yourself), that doesn't change the impact it will have had on him that you weren't there for him when he was helpless. Throwing him out to nurture two more children will really drive home to him that there is something fundamentally wrong with him because you want these children and didn't want him (from his point of view).

Tread carefully. The last thing he needs is to be rejected by his mother for a second time, even if you do need the space. Is there any way he could contribute to a loft conversion or an extension? £400 a month for a room in a house is quite a lot, you must have saved a fair bit from that.

I was also going to suggest his same sex sibling sharing the room with him soon - he can then come to the decision to move out for himself without being pressured

It doesn't sound terrible but a starting point is what would you do if he had grown up with you? Would you tell him he'd have to move out so your other children could have a room each, or perhaps that he will need to start sharing with his brother in 2 years' time whether he likes it or not?

There are levels of tweaking the balance a bit, asking a bit more of him in rent and chores, making it a bit less cushy at home so that a flatshare starts to feel like a better option for him without full on chucking him out. Halfsiblings are more complicated, and it does need to be handled even more carefully with the history, but I would look for more "shades of grey" than just making the younger ones play second fiddle as long as it suits him, or chucking him out.

@stripesanddots Where did he stay on weekends before you met dh and had your other dc?
Your op is at 16 you had to move them in together to give him a room.

Does that mean before that he never had a room with you?

In most cases, a stable 23 year old with a job who's contributing to the household wouldn't be an issue.

I feel like a lot of pressure is being put on him because of your housing situation. Qualifications, career progression, life plans. Yes, young people should be starting to think more seriously about those things in their early 20's but not with an axe hanging over their heads.

The reality is that you're not going to take on the upheaval and financial stress of buying a bigger house for a child who might only be in it for a couple of years. I don't think anyone would expect you to do that so it all comes down to how you handle the transition.

You need to sit your son down and have an adult conversation with him. Like some others have said, you can get another year or two out of your other children sharing if needs be so you have some time. Talk to your son about what the future looks like for the household, get his thoughts (maybe he's already thought about it himself), give him some ownership and make him feel part of the solution. See where his head's at take the conversation from there. You don't need to go in all guns blazing with an ultimatum and a deadline (no matter how sympathetically you word it), you can just open an conversation and see where it leads. It might be enough to get his arse into gear and start him generating some solutions. It might not be and then you need to think about being more directly involved but either way, make sure you're ready to be supportive at each stage unless you want to damage the relationship. Especially given the unique circumstances.

He shares with the younger boy, simple. It’s what anyone does when there aren’t enough bedrooms for one each.

Don’t reject him again, the poor guy. He’s probably spent his whole life wondering why you didn’t want him. And you had more kids instead of trying to get him back.
Rent/mortgages are insane at the minute and you are charging him a lot considering his pay is low. 23 is still very young. Give him time. He’s had a difficult start in life.

With the economy the way it is, a 23 year old living at home and contributing is actually very very normal. And it sounds like this boy had a very difficult childhood, being raised by a man who had an affair with a teenager and his wife, whilst only seeing you at weekends, presumably at your parent’s home, knowing that your parents wanted hime adopted away. That element of being unwanted will have been a huge part of his upbringing. And he also probably felt an element of his from his dad’s wife as well.

How much involvement did you have with him as a teen? With his schooling and helping him plan what he wanted for his future. You would have been a fully grown adult by that time, and should have been involved with all that. Did you help and support him?

Really though, with the cost of things, a 23 year old with a low paying job living at home is normal. You’re going to have to let him stay; but also help him plan a future. Make a two year plan to help him get on his own feet and move out at that point. He didn’t have a great childhood so he will need more help than your average 23 year old.

He sounds lovely, I wouldn’t ask him to leave.

He needs to do more chores though, his own washing, cooking for himself when you’re out/busy etc.

What is an NPE please?