Grown Ds back home but there isn't room with our little ones.

[stripesanddots]

When I was 16 I had a relationship with an older man who had a partner and child I didn't know about at the time.
I got pregnant and had a little boy as I turned 17.

I still lived at home, it wasn't planned and I didn't know I was pregnant until I was quite far gone so instead of adoption which my parents encouraged his Dad and partner brought him up.

He was happy but I spent a lot of his life regretting that I didn't keep him and struggling with the loss although I still had contact with ds at weekends so I was still part of his life.
I later met dh and we had dc, who then had their own rooms.
Ds is now 23 but at 17 he fell out with his dad and step mum and moved in with dh and I and our dc, so I put our dc in together and gave ds a bedroom.
At first I was delighted to have ds back but he's now 23 and has no plans to ever leave.

He has a job but it doesn't pay well, for his own sake I'd like him to make plans to try and make it on his own, he's been back here 6 years and it's been lovely but I'd like him to be a grown up now and plan his future without making him feel unwanted.

Our own dc were also only a baby and toddler when he moved in and as they're the opposite sex we really need his room eventually which sounds terrible but when we had the dc we had no idea Ds would be moving in.
A bigger house is not an option as we both work flat out to pay this mortgage.

You do t talk much about his upbringing, but I could imagine that the stepmother wasn’t exactly delighted to have her partner’s affair child.
i don’t think you can turf him out without him feeling unwanted and unloved.
start having a conversation about how the boys will need to share once you get DS is 10, how should we refurbish the room?
also have a conversation with him on how much he is saving for a potential future house (not in the same conversation obviously).

But she didn't

£400 / month seems like a lot. If he was living on his own and doing his own food shopping how much would he spend? £50 seems like a reasonable amount for a single person on low income to budget for food. So that's £200 / month. Let's say around £200 for the household on council tax per month so divided by 3 adults around £70 each (and remember you'd be paying the same amount for two of you even if he didn't live there), so that still leaves £130 per month which is more than I pay in gas and electric for a single person in a 2 bed property!

Great idea.

Definitely not perfect and lovely - although we have literally no idea if his dad and his partner gave him a nice time or not, and seems unkind to assume they didn't. But as I said "not unusual or particularly traumatic in the great scheme of things" - e.g. he's always lived with one of his parents, there's no mention of mistreatment at either of his homes, and he's clearly a very loved member of his current household. (Plenty of people end up in care, homeless, being cared for by different non-parent family members or passed around from one to another etc.)

I think OP is getting a pasting because she's female and therefore apparently did a terrible terrible thing in letting the parent who was actually an adult raise him, because we all know it "should" have been her job.

Well I have a dd the age you were when you got pregnant with your son. She is so young, doing teenage things with her friends, I really feel for you having to deal with all the physical and emotional stress of having a baby at that age.
I agree about being straightforward and talking to him comfortably about the fact that your dd will need her own space once puberty looms. He can share with his brother, or if financially and practically possible could he have a garden room ? Could you extend ?
Several of my friends have sons this age living at home. One finished university a year ago, the other has also been to university, he has been at home for two years, but will be off to uni again soon as he wants to do a post grad. Both are working but renting is so expensive that they are staying home and saving like mad for a deposit to buy somewhere. I have other friends whose twenty somethings children were home for a long time before finally moving out. This is much more common now than my generation.
Early twenties are hard, 23 is a particularly difficult time as you are an adult but often struggling to really find your feet. Your ds may just be quite a young 23, and need some support and back-up for a while.

Thank you so much sharing. I think you're coming across as rather fabulous.

She has three children, yes. But how can anyone ignore that the reason that he needs to think about his future/at least sit down with the OP and help sort the housing situation is because ONE OF THEM IS 23 and the others are at primary school.

As for "been through hell and back" to describe living with a - as far as we know - perfectly competent dad and stepmum. Well I think quite a lot of people would be interested to know that they should be traumatised by v v similar life experiences.

That's completely the wrong way to put it. A lot of young people cannot afford to move out sadly.

@Itsnotchristmasyet NPE stands for "non-paternity event" or "not parent expected". NPE is originally a genealogical term, but is now applied to those people who have experienced this, e.g. by finding out much later in life that we were adopted or discovering that our dad is not actually our dad etc.

Is it 400 a month?
Or 100 a week?

To me, that is a lot of money he is paying you.

In France, Spain, Italy its 100% normal that at he is still at home.Legally, until 24, if not inedpendent.

I don't think you need to boot him out. Have a conversation about how eventually younger sibs won't be able to share and you want to plan for that - does he have a plan for the next few years that involves moving out? Would he like to move out?

You could help him find a little flat or houseshare nearby, he would have more independence but could still come round regularly and have meals with you etc.

£400 a month to live at home??? What a rip off. Charge him a quarter of that and he’ll be able to save up and move out after a while.

I completely understand OP and ignore the fucking horrible replies upthread. I definitely think you should tread carefully though. He will need to get a better paying job at some point so he does need to make plans for that - I can't imagine he wants to live at home forever? Is there a dining room you could use as a bedroom? Or maybe one of those little summer houses? Tbh if he's made to share with his younger brother it may give him a kick up the backside.

£400 a month to live at home??? What a rip off.

Give over. My "own home" at 23 was costing me an awful lot more than £400 a month.

Oh wow!
That’s a huge thing to deal with.

Thank you for explaining that.

I don’t know where on earth a low paid 23yo could afford to live.

Have you got a dining room that could be used as a bedroom?

Yeah - that’s because it was your ‘own home’. My son pays £400 a month in a house share. There’s no way a parent should be charging their kid market rate.

Yes, because that would be a different situation.

I feel awful about the past and lived every day regretting the choice I made but at the time I thought I was doing the right thing.
But me and Ds have a good relationship and I appreciate everything that his step mum did and how difficult it all was.
I also know him well and understand 100% what I've done to him and will spend the rest of my life trying to make it up and making sure he doesn't feel I didn't love him because I do and I tell him every day.

I don't think £400 is that much - it depends a bit on what it covers but a lot of young men easily eat more than £80 of food every week.

And he will have at least £500 a month of disposable income to save from, potentially more given he's working long hours. It's quite likely to be more than the OP has

How much money does he earn? Can you talk to him about how much money he could be saving for future rent / deposit? How much do you think it actually costs for additional food / bills? ie how much would you save if he was not there?

The space issue is difficult.. how much would you need to move to a bigger space? Would you want to, given that in the medium term, your son is likely to want his own place at some stage? Is his Dad ever likely to help him get set up on his own or support him while his salary remains low? Can you work out what the medium term looks like for your son and how to support the steps from here to there?

Can the OP afford to lose £400 a month?

OPs history makes it feel a little delicate but really its not important, the truth is at 23 you are SUPPOSE to grow up and move out.

My DS was very much wanted, I went through a decade of infertility and IVF to have my family but at 23 I expect them to have flown the nest (shy of any extenuating circumstances like them temporarily sort term moving back to get on there feet due to injury/illness/fire/break-up).

I would actual be pretty embarrassed if they haven't moved out by 23 because it means I failed at raising independent adults who take responsibility for themselves.

His upbringing doesn't mean he can mooch as a man child forever or else say 'you never wanted me'.