Grown Ds back home but there isn't room with our little ones.

[stripesanddots]

When I was 16 I had a relationship with an older man who had a partner and child I didn't know about at the time.
I got pregnant and had a little boy as I turned 17.

I still lived at home, it wasn't planned and I didn't know I was pregnant until I was quite far gone so instead of adoption which my parents encouraged his Dad and partner brought him up.

He was happy but I spent a lot of his life regretting that I didn't keep him and struggling with the loss although I still had contact with ds at weekends so I was still part of his life.
I later met dh and we had dc, who then had their own rooms.
Ds is now 23 but at 17 he fell out with his dad and step mum and moved in with dh and I and our dc, so I put our dc in together and gave ds a bedroom.
At first I was delighted to have ds back but he's now 23 and has no plans to ever leave.

He has a job but it doesn't pay well, for his own sake I'd like him to make plans to try and make it on his own, he's been back here 6 years and it's been lovely but I'd like him to be a grown up now and plan his future without making him feel unwanted.

Our own dc were also only a baby and toddler when he moved in and as they're the opposite sex we really need his room eventually which sounds terrible but when we had the dc we had no idea Ds would be moving in.
A bigger house is not an option as we both work flat out to pay this mortgage.

Give him some warning that in 2 years he will need to share a room with his brother because his sister needs her own room. It might encourage him to move out.
If you don’t need the £100 a week I’d save it up for him or at least some of it.

Good advice- I'm glad you brought your perspective.

On the money- I think £100 pw is fine as it would be very hard to adjust to having rent and bills to pay in the future if you got used to having almost all disposable income now. I have seen that happen to many who live at home in their 20s. Also agree with pps that some chores are important- even just a token amount at weekends.
But if you can afford to, put as much of the £400 away in savings for him as you can? I accept that a food bill for a hard working 23 year old might be a significant chunk of this. Becoming independent is a whole different kettle of fish to when we all had to do it.... the housing landscape is absolutely broken. Agree if he needs to stay, he'll have to share with little brother at some stage.

Kids are for life op you are being horrible. You can't push out your first child you only raised at weekends for your new kids.

Tell him he will have to share with your son in time.

Get him to do some chores (and your younger ones too) it just sets them up better for adulthood.

If you can afford it, save some of the money he gives you and he can use it as a deposit on a flat when he's ready.

I do think it's quite normal to still be at home at 23 though. I was 26 when I moved out and that was years ago

Yes she has really done a good job in marketing herself as a good parent despite the fact she abandoned her son at birth and wants to get rid of him again for another spurious reason.

You fell right into that self pity trap.

True, but think OP could use it as a guide as what to expect for her younger children. The NSPCC slightly misquotes as it is only when the younger child is 10 that statutory overcrowding occurs, so there is 2 - 3 years to prepare before then.

Are you saying you got no support from your parents at all and managed anyway?

OP didn't raise her son, regretted it and now she's had him for a bit she's sick of him and doesn't want him any more. In essence, she wants to abandon him again.

How on earth did you get that from this?

He has a job but it doesn't pay well, for his own sake I'd like him to make plans to try and make it on his own, he's been back here 6 years and it's been lovely but I'd like him to be a grown up now and plan his future without making him feel unwanted.

Thanks,I do.

No, don't ignore the criticism. I am the least judgmental person you could wish to meet but I am going to advocate for the son here. God knows it sounds as though no-one else has.

No, you are probably the most judgmental person on this thread which is already has it’s fair share of judgemental people.

Well done you, then! Most young teenage mums I’ve known in the timeframe OP is talking about have generally had loads of help from their mums and extended family. OP’s parents attitude was more reminiscent of the 1960s and 70s than the millennium.

He’s your son, isn’t this normal? You charge him a lot how is he meant to save to move out anyway. My son is 28 he lives at home I charge him nothing, he can eat what he likes, he’s saving for a house, he’s my son I’d do anything for him.

Mine is a 70s child.

not everyone can afford to fed grown up children for free, someone up thread suggested that fdeeding a grown man would cost about £50 a month extra this is frankly ridiculous I would suggest that £50 a week is more like it, plus there is other costs like electric gas laundry etc while the heating bill would be the same probably having extra laundry and showers will mean more hot water, possibly netflix etc for 2 accounts as well as a contribution towards his mother doing all his housework.
in the real world most people can't afford to save the lodgings money their child pays to give back to them, a full time NMW job gives about £1500 tax home this gives him £1100 spare money for his phone, transport, maybe a car, entertainment and clothes I would think he could save £5-600 depending on car/ transport costs
the OP has indicated they can't afford to move or extend as both of them work full time just to cover current mortgage and bills they also need space in the house and the OP and her partner should not be on a sofa bed in lounge
Practically speaking the best option is to explain to her eldest son that soon his half sister will need the box room and he will need to share with his half brother.
I suggest they get the biggest room, there are videos on you tube showing various ingenious ways to divide a room to give privacy and storage for both it is not ideal but it is highly unlikely OP's son will be with them long term

Even more, well done!

Non paternal event AFAIK. So people who might have had a ‘DNA Surprise’ in their lives, through donor conception or finding out the parent who raised them wasn’t their bio parent

@Cottagecheeseisnotcheese quite! I can't understand how some posters think the DS is totally unable to save due to paying £400 a month or that this amount is wildly in excess of how much he costs.

He really has totally enough to save for a deposit.

I know...so proud...now do one!

@HollaHolla of course that only applies to social housing FFS did you really think that needed pointing out? I think common sense tells you that children of the opposite sex at secondary school shouldn't share a room but obviously it happens all the time. There are children as young as year 4 who start their periods which means aged 8 or 9 which is why there are sanitary bins in primary school toilets and a stash of sanitary products in a staff member's office.

This is a 23 year old with a job who already pays £400 a month in rent/board to his Mum. My friend was in a similar situation to OP with her step child who was the eldest and had autism. She also had boy/girl twins who shared a room. There was no way the eldest could share with his same sex sibling so they looked into supported housing to enable him to move and have some independence. He had a job and stayed in that housing for a couple of years and then moved into a one bed flat. It was hard for my friend because she wasn't the biological Mum and they were worried how it would be perceived by her step child.

23 is old enough to be moving out.

So you must be about 60 and still no manners!

We just did a loft conversion and we managed to keep enough space to fit a single bed in the small bedroom. But equally, the space in the loft is the size of your entire house. You could easily make it into two bedrooms instead of what most do a master and en suite, and then you’d have two bedrooms up there, two bedrooms on the first floor and a small box room for storage/office space etc.

The back story is not irrelevant to him tho, is it?
Young minds are forming till people are 26yo. How the OP handles this will affect the rest of this man's life.
OP, time to be a parent. Have discussions with him about his future, his job, his qualifications, his hopes, his needs- the whole kaboodle. Support him to make good choices. Help him budget so he has a deposit for a rental in a couple of years.
Parenting an adult child is different, but it's still parenting.

Did you mean to be so rude?

Seriously, though - it wasn’t included in the quote a previous poster made.

Heaven help your children, if you are for kicking them out as soon as they have a job. This is a difficult situation; and the OP wants to maintain an already fragile relationship. It’s not easy, and many others have given helpful advice without being patronising.

@HollaHolla yes I did mean to be as rude and as patronising to you as you were to me with your "Do you think the government could go around, forcing people to buy bigger houses they can’t afford?" I thought that was a pretty rude response to my guidance on what the legislation actually is from the NSPCC website. It was to help show the son that it is not seen as acceptable if possible for children to share a room.

And now with the whole "heaven help your children" attacking me weird bullshit. You know nothing about me. I gave very supportive advice to the OP and recognise this is a delicate situation and pointed out to you that I had been a sounding board to my friend who had 3 children in a 3 bed house one of which was the step child and with additional needs.

And to allay any worry about my children I won't actually be kicking my child out when he starts his graduate job, he will be living here, rent/board free saving for a house deposit. He started saving in a LISA from 18. In fact he will cost us less living at home than he does whilst at uni as he won't have a £7k accommodation cost.