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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grown Ds back home but there isn't room with our little ones.

281 replies

stripesanddots · 09/11/2023 12:32

When I was 16 I had a relationship with an older man who had a partner and child I didn't know about at the time.
I got pregnant and had a little boy as I turned 17.

I still lived at home, it wasn't planned and I didn't know I was pregnant until I was quite far gone so instead of adoption which my parents encouraged his Dad and partner brought him up.

He was happy but I spent a lot of his life regretting that I didn't keep him and struggling with the loss although I still had contact with ds at weekends so I was still part of his life.
I later met dh and we had dc, who then had their own rooms.
Ds is now 23 but at 17 he fell out with his dad and step mum and moved in with dh and I and our dc, so I put our dc in together and gave ds a bedroom.
At first I was delighted to have ds back but he's now 23 and has no plans to ever leave.

He has a job but it doesn't pay well, for his own sake I'd like him to make plans to try and make it on his own, he's been back here 6 years and it's been lovely but I'd like him to be a grown up now and plan his future without making him feel unwanted.

Our own dc were also only a baby and toddler when he moved in and as they're the opposite sex we really need his room eventually which sounds terrible but when we had the dc we had no idea Ds would be moving in.
A bigger house is not an option as we both work flat out to pay this mortgage.

OP posts:
momonpurpose · 09/11/2023 13:20

countvoncount · 09/11/2023 12:40

Sounds like he is unwanted though?

What an awful situation for this young man

Evenstar · 09/11/2023 13:21

OP I think you have been given rather a hard time, people who are criticising you for not being able to raise your son at 17 are saying 23 is very young!

I think PP’s suggestion of gently talking about how things look going forward rather than ultimatums is very sensible, it doesn’t have to be a big one off conversation , you can manage for a while yet.

Namenamchange · 09/11/2023 13:21

But that wasn’t the circumstances. It’s important for their relationship that he doesn’t feel rejection.

viques · 09/11/2023 13:22

rwalker · 09/11/2023 12:52

The back story is irrelevant it’s a normal setup you need more room turfing the oldest child out isn’t a solution

The back story is very relevant. This is a young man who has had a very unusual upbringing and is clearly finding it hard to take steps to become independent.

chocolatefiends · 09/11/2023 13:22

Can you afford to not charge him the £100 a week for the next two years? And instead suggest it goes into a savings account so that in two years time he has a deposit for a rental, plus enough money to furnish it.

Or, even save that money yourself when he gives it to you each month and use it towards a garden cabin in two years time if he's still with you.

Bristolnewcomer · 09/11/2023 13:22

Lots of good advice here but I also think - this guy is 23. He grew up with his dad and stepmum and then moved in with his mum, it doesn't sound either unusual or particularly traumatic in the great scheme of things. He is now an adult and should be doing chores like the other adults and also sitting down and trying to work out his future like other adults.

Can't help feeling if this was a woman of 23, or if the OP was the dad who had been the NRP for 17 years people wouldn't be so dramatic about "nobody wants him" or "you're kicking him out again".

(Let alone the point that his dad who was older and in a relationship knocked up a 16 year old child thereby creating this whole situation)

momonpurpose · 09/11/2023 13:23

LaurieStrode · 09/11/2023 13:07

The poor guy. Unwanted by all.

Absolutely heartbreaking. Poor guys been unwanted since before birth

EasternTennessee · 09/11/2023 13:23

These replies are so funny because if OP had raised him then everyone would be saying of course a grown man needs to move out.

At 23, he’s still young, I wouldn’t be saying that at all.

muchalover · 09/11/2023 13:24

My 26 y/o lives with me as he could never afford to rent himself and TBH neither could I.

I do think he needs to do chores as we read about manbabies here a lot. A lot!

Perhaps a garden room or similar. He might even build it with help. It would certainly give him skills. With a two year framework it is doable. Or caravan? Eat with family, be central figure but independence and a room for other children.

DaftyInTheMiddle · 09/11/2023 13:24

At 7/8 they could share for a few more years so this gives you some time. At 23 he may want to leave home in a few years time, the rental market might be better etc.

I would sit him down and explain the situation, younger DCs will be approaching the age where they need their own room, and you need to discuss realistically what that looks like. But you need to be careful of how you phrase it due to your past relationship, this isn’t about him being an inconvenience or taking up a space for your younger dc, it is about working together as a family to accommodate the needs of the whole unit.

Could you afford to make him save the £400 a month he give you for the next year or two so he has a good buffer IF he needs to leave?

Is there another space in the house he could use for a bedroom, a dining room?

Could you afford a loft conversion or similar?

Could a room division for the 2 youngest work?

What would be the ideal for you? To keep him home with space or for him not to be there? If you have a good relationship I would try and prioritise making a space for him.

SamPoodle123 · 09/11/2023 13:24

AmazingSnakeHead · 09/11/2023 12:44

These replies are so funny because if OP had raised him then everyone would be saying of course a grown man needs to move out.

Yes, exactly this. I find it odd that everyone thinks a grown man should still be living at home, when there is not enough space for the other dc. It sounds like he is old enough to try and find his own way...such as a flat share etc. This is part of growing up and becoming independent. Many people I know lived in flat shares the first few years or to save up.

Thedm · 09/11/2023 13:25

Bristolnewcomer · 09/11/2023 13:22

Lots of good advice here but I also think - this guy is 23. He grew up with his dad and stepmum and then moved in with his mum, it doesn't sound either unusual or particularly traumatic in the great scheme of things. He is now an adult and should be doing chores like the other adults and also sitting down and trying to work out his future like other adults.

Can't help feeling if this was a woman of 23, or if the OP was the dad who had been the NRP for 17 years people wouldn't be so dramatic about "nobody wants him" or "you're kicking him out again".

(Let alone the point that his dad who was older and in a relationship knocked up a 16 year old child thereby creating this whole situation)

Eh, he was an affair child raised by the dad and his wife. You really think the wife accepted him and raised him up with unconditional love and support?
He saw his mum at weekends, and would have eventually realised his other grandparents wanted him adopted away and didn’t want him around.

He had three parent figures around but one was an adult man who got a 16 year old pregnant, one was a teenager and one was the cheated on wife. You think that was a lovely upbringing?

BloodandGlitter · 09/11/2023 13:26

£400 a month is a lot of money! I charge DD20 less than half of that and she has DGS with her too.

You let him down as a child don't let him down now. Save the £400 each month and then he can use it as a deposit or to pay rental costs for a year.

ToadOnTheHill · 09/11/2023 13:26

Talk about needing to move for the extra bedroom and make clear he can come but he will need to increase the amount of rent he pays and dies he want to do that, and commit to living at home for 5 more years due to the additional mortgage payments or would he prefer support in looking for a cheaper room to rent with more flexibility in case he meets someone? Encourage him to try it out for 6 months and see how he gets on with the safety net of coming back.

Original poster
stripesanddots · 09/11/2023 13:27

Incogg · 09/11/2023 13:09

I'd give him warning that your younger son will soon need to share a room with him (and give your daughter the smallest room). Include him in the plans for redecorating/refurnishing etc.

(As an NPE, I'm fascinated by the dynamics between you and his stepmother and biological father, but appreciate this isn't the place to discuss).

I was a lot younger than his step mum and I think she saw me as a child so she originally went through my parents for communication regarding ds.
I wasn't really a co-parent, I had no say in his life and there wasn't much communication between me and his step mum as I was the woman that had a baby with her partner and so I was not seen in a good light by her.
I saw him at weekends and I'm glad he's back with me and our relationship is great but his relationship with them just became fractured during his teens, he has ADHD and being an older couple they didn't believe in it so he came to me for support as one of his siblings and I have it too and we just went from there.

OP posts:
Ktime · 09/11/2023 13:28

AmazingSnakeHead · 09/11/2023 12:44

These replies are so funny because if OP had raised him then everyone would be saying of course a grown man needs to move out.

He pays £400 in rent and not a druggie/abusive son.

He’s had a tougher upbringing than most.

23 is young, I moved out at 30, and paid rent from 22.

PestilencialCrisis · 09/11/2023 13:29

Does he have any friends that might be interested in flat sharing with him? Do you have any potential to build into the loft, convert a garage or change the dining room to a bedroom?

You need to speak to him and ask him what his plans are long-term. Tell him he is welcome to stay as long as he wants, but if he is staying long-term you will all need to think about options for extension/garage conversion/outhouse, but as there is a big financial consideration, you want to know his plans so that you know it is worth the investment. If he wants to stay, then think about what you can do to make it work. If he says he wants to move out, sit down and work out a plan for how to do this (eg. Will he get a flat share, will he get a bedsit, could his dad/grandparents give him any money for a deposit, can he get a new job or a promotion, retrain etc).

Ballsbaill · 09/11/2023 13:30

MissyB1 · 09/11/2023 13:01

He’s paying you £400 a month yes? So how much money does that leave him to save for a deposit on a rental? It’s really expensive for young people to find their own place these days, even just a one bed flat. Also he may have confidence issues due to his past.
Sit down and ask him what he would like out of life, whether he would like support from you to get his own place. Then work out a plan together how he could achieve that.

That's a good point. My mum did the same. She took £400 a month off me in my first job. Every wage increase meant she wanted more money.

Upon asking why I was still in her house I said I can't afford the months rent and deposit in advance if you keep taking so much money off me? I had student debt too and very little left.

What does he earn net per month?

Mum5net · 09/11/2023 13:30

I agree with @MissyB1 mostly but I would NOT force a chat about rooms.
I would however let him know that you are saving the £400 he gives you every month so that he has a small nest egg for his future.
I would encourage him to take driving lessons (paid by him if you are retaining his £400.)
I would encourage him with making friends and possibly a partner.
If it comes up naturally in conversation about rooms, I would just say that eventually his DSis will need a room of her own and that the boys will share but you're not at that stage yet, you are just happy being a family of 5...

Honeychickpea · 09/11/2023 13:30

GreatShaker · 09/11/2023 12:47

In the circumstances I don’t think you can tell him to move out. He already feels like he’s been rejected by you once. Have an honest, adult conversation about the space issue and see what he says. Could he pay more and help to finance an extension, for example.

It would be relevant to know why his father and family kicked him out.

mrsm43s · 09/11/2023 13:30

Put the £400 a month towards the interest on a loft conversion. If you can manage day to day without it if he moves out, then you can manage day to day without it and invest it on an extension instead.

ginasevern · 09/11/2023 13:31

I don't know what it's like in the rest of the UK but certainly in my neck of the woods finding somewhere to live is almost impossible. Couples in their 30's on good salaries, no kids, great references and even guarantors, can't find a flat to rent. And if they do they're easily looking at £1,500 a month with six months rent demanded upfront. Rooms in grotty shared houses are in the £900 a month mark, not including bills. So I'm not sure where this 23 year old would be expected to live if asked to leave.

HaddawayAndShite · 09/11/2023 13:31

You let him down as a child

I think people are forgetting OP was a 16/17 year old child, taken advantage of by a grown man. I think it’s unfair to pin adult expectations on her when she was just a child herself.

WichenWick · 09/11/2023 13:32

BloodandGlitter · 09/11/2023 13:26

£400 a month is a lot of money! I charge DD20 less than half of that and she has DGS with her too.

You let him down as a child don't let him down now. Save the £400 each month and then he can use it as a deposit or to pay rental costs for a year.

What a vile thing to say. OP was 16 years old - 16! And you think she should have had the emotional maturity to have dealt better with the situation. Yet her 23 year old son is so so young and needs to be handled like a baby who can't function independently. The usual MN double standards.

If OP were a man in this situation all the women on here would be falling over each other to tell him nothing was his fault, he's done as much as anyone could in the circumstances.

Supernova23 · 09/11/2023 13:33

Poor sod. Sounds like a lovely young lad and now you are thinking of kicking him out because you don’t have enough room. You have three children. He might be 23 but it sounds like he has been through hell and back with his upbringing which he didn’t ask for. He’s no less important than your other children which is exactly how this reads to me. Move house!!