Grown Ds back home but there isn't room with our little ones.

[stripesanddots]

When I was 16 I had a relationship with an older man who had a partner and child I didn't know about at the time.
I got pregnant and had a little boy as I turned 17.

I still lived at home, it wasn't planned and I didn't know I was pregnant until I was quite far gone so instead of adoption which my parents encouraged his Dad and partner brought him up.

He was happy but I spent a lot of his life regretting that I didn't keep him and struggling with the loss although I still had contact with ds at weekends so I was still part of his life.
I later met dh and we had dc, who then had their own rooms.
Ds is now 23 but at 17 he fell out with his dad and step mum and moved in with dh and I and our dc, so I put our dc in together and gave ds a bedroom.
At first I was delighted to have ds back but he's now 23 and has no plans to ever leave.

He has a job but it doesn't pay well, for his own sake I'd like him to make plans to try and make it on his own, he's been back here 6 years and it's been lovely but I'd like him to be a grown up now and plan his future without making him feel unwanted.

Our own dc were also only a baby and toddler when he moved in and as they're the opposite sex we really need his room eventually which sounds terrible but when we had the dc we had no idea Ds would be moving in.
A bigger house is not an option as we both work flat out to pay this mortgage.

There are 2 other adults in the house and 2 primary school children. So that is a hefty amount of she only charges him what he uses.

Are the other adults in the house also using £400 a head each on bills and food because I've never known a bills and food bill like that.

Yab massively u
he is your child, it’s bloody hard out to afford a place of your own, you already say he doesn’t earn a lot.
Wow just wow at your attitude of he needs to leave to make space for your other children. You need to make this work another way or you will loose him forever.

Agreed.

I'd be delighted if my kids were still at home at 23 - and I also think £400 is a perfectly reasonable amount to ask for in rent, considering that's all food etc. But that might mean he can't save to move out.

I think you need to sit down with him and have a talk about what his future holds, and what he wants etc. Is there a partner on the scene who he might move in with at some point?

If he's happy where he is, I'd be lookingat rejigging the house to create an extra room somehow - maybe using the dining room, or putting a dividing wall in somewhere. Feeling rejected by your parents is a hard thing to live with.

As an adopted person, but one who has had a relationship with my biological mother, I think you are right to tread carefully. I have struggled so much with feeling rejected/abandoned all my life, even though my adopted parents were wonderful and my life with them was mostly awesome. I have been unable to make peace with these feelings and I'm now 53. My bio Mum was also 17 when she had me. I was born in an unwed mother's home and adopted shortly after.

I think a previous poster had it right in saying that you can sit down with your son and discuss the issues as adults. You have a couple of years before you have to separate your younger children, so you're giving him warning that he will need to move out by that time. Please help him to understand that it's solely an available space issue and that you financially can't afford to move. He must know that you're not rejecting him, you just can't house him. Perhaps you can offer your assistance to help find somewhere to live, give him whatever financial assistance you can (if you're able). He needs to know his Mum loves him, is there to support and help him in any way she can.

Just my perspective as an adopted kid!

It's incredibly hard for young people to live independently nowadays. Realistically unaffordable. My 26 year old is still living at home and while we do have the space we would both, I think, prefer to live separately. I'll be retired soon!

I think you're lucky to have reconnected with him. I think a 7 and 8 year old can realistically share for a few more years. I shared with one of my children for a couple of years given difficult circumstances.

Why not have a discussion about his long term plans and how you can help him achieve them, and ensure he understands that the younger children will be needing a separate room by the time they go to secondary school, for example.

Sit down and set him some long term goals.
My sister was stuck in a rut at a similar age. Living at my parents earning enough to contribute at home but couldn't afford her own place. We had an hour on Rightmove and we discussed what she needed to change to be able to afford to rent a 1 bed flat in the town. She took the decision to move away from the hospitality/admin temp roles she had been doing and signed up for book keeping and junior accountancy courses. 2-3 years later she moved into a 1 bed rental flat with her partner and 2 years after that bought a 2 bed terrace.

Give him a bit of motivation to look into the future and see that his own freedom could be possible. Hopefully the timings would work that the other children get their own rooms by starting secondary school. I shared with my sister quite happily until 14 and my friend with siblings with a similar age gap but sharing with a younger brother untill she was 11 and starting secondary. If you can split them up a bit before than it would be a bonus

He sounds like a good lad and I really don't think you should feel guilty about the past. You made the decisions you did at the time for the right reasons.

How realistic is it that he rent somewhere. It's expensive where I live and a lot of places are complete dumps. Is he saving? Does he really cost you £100 a week? That seems a lot.

Why isn't he doing any chores though? That's silly. I'd change that straight away.

You can definitely see the divide of where people live, oldest DS has moved out but is working in the north, the other adult DC will be living at home for quite awhile with room shares over 700 a month for a decent room and 550 for small and rough. Most of their friends 22 to 27 live at home, the ones that don’t have moved away. My nephew was in a similar arrangement as the OPs DS, but lived with grandparents, he’s still very messed up in his 30s.

If there any way to extend or convert? Or as others have said to share with the younger boy although if he has to share I’d say you need to charge him less rent. £100 a week for an exclusive room is very different to £100 sharing with a primary aged child, especially one you didn’t grow up with.

Good luck in sorting out a solution. You sounds like a great person for your DS to have in his life now. Good chance to get the time back.
All the best.

Please answer if it is actually 440pcm

You said 100 pounds a week.This is so much money and its NOT 400pcm.

PPs are being way too hard on you@stripesanddots . How old was DS's dad when he got a 16yo pregnant? Did your parents know about the relationship and did they try to protect you at all?

I had my ds at 17, I did bring him up myself, but there are quite a few similarities. My DS is still at home and we are really struggling to push him to get started with his own life. I have no advice, but just wanted to send solidarity.

I feel bad for him too

You were a child, OP. I’m quite sure if your parents had supported you, then you’d have kept your son with you or been a proper co-parent who got a say and made decisions, rather than being more of an older sister he visited. You didn’t have the support you should have had, and you made the best choice you could with all these older adults around telling you to do it. You probably also faced a lot of judgement because he was married, and people would blame you more than him.
You did the best you could. And you’ve built a relationship now.

But the fact is, that was his life. It probably wasn’t the best. His dad and step mum don’t sound great if they “don’t believe” in ADHD so didn’t give him the support he would have needed as a pre-teen, which will have affected his schooling and his prospects. It isn’t a judgement on you to say he maybe didn’t have the best childhood, it’s just a fact about his life. But it’s maybe left him a little behind his peers, and he doesn’t have as many options for a career. That’s how it is, so you’re going to have to accept it and help him.

Nowadays, living at home at this age is very common. So, don’t kick him out. The younger ones are fine sharing, or the boys can share a room. Agree to another couple of years, but really support and help him. Plan with him, see what sorts of jobs he can move into with promotion opportunities, maybe try an open uni degree or college. Just look at the options, see if he has any ideas and can start to plan for the future and supporting himself. He does need to understand that the goal is for him to move out and support himself in a couple of years, a house share will be fine. But he needs to start somewhere and it sounds like he needs your help.

Logistically you'll have to separate the younger two and put him in with the boy if he stays so you should tell him now that this will have to happen in a couple of years, so that he has time to try to save and make a plan to move out. I can't see a twenty something wanting to share with a ten year old.

How is he with money and saving? It sounds like he doesn't have much and you can't afford to let him stay for free, but can you help him save? Or even increase the amount you're charging and put some of it aside for future if he's not good at doing that himself. It's a little infantilising but it might be helpful in a grieving the goal of him becoming independent.

Unfortunately it sounds like he's not going to magically plan to leave on his own unless he knows he has to, do you have to make it clear or he won't do anything to facilitate moving out.

I think you need to have an open chat with him about worrying about his long term independence. It sounds like you have a few years to work with so all you really need now is a plan. Phrase it at you want him to have a great life so need to support him in getting where he needs for that whether money, his own partner and kids, etc

Hi @stripesanddots

I did wonder if he had difficulties and see he has ADHD. obviously every person is different but he might well find coping alone whilst he’s still quite young, really tricky. Has he had any support with his adhd from adult services or similar? How does it affect his day to day life? Coping with being organised etc?

If you feel your son would currently struggle on his own, and if you can’t extend/split a current bedroom, I would maybe look at all moving to a cheaper but bigger house that maybe needs doing up a bit/in a cheaper area - so you can have an extra bedroom or something that could be converted to a bedroom like a garage etc so he can continue to live with you until he’s ready to move away.

I'm from a differnet culture where is is not that common for adult children to live with parents. But I don't think it's crazy to want your adult full time work child to get his own place or at least ask him for his plan and timeliness for when he's gonna achieve it.

It's funny that some posters think the 23 year old couldn't possibly live independently but think the OP at 17 should have been able to raise a baby.

Well, it isn’t exactly British “culture” either to live with your parents as an adult. But it’s become a necessity due to inflation, stagnant wages, cost of living, lack of affordable housing, lack of jobs.
It’s not a culture thing, it’s been forced onto a lot of families due to the country being a bit of a shit show atm.

Imagine if OP was a man, who had sex with a woman with had a partner he didn't know about and she got pregnant and the child grew up with the woman and her partner and the man saw his child at weekends.
Wouldn't that be strange?
and then the child falling out with the mum and moving in with the father, that would of course be the mums fault too.

My thoughts exactly.

£400 a month can get him a room share in a house so he should do this as he will be no worse off .

A room but not all his food, council tax, utility bills, laundry done for him and no chores...