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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think golf EVERY WEEKEND is selfish?!

414 replies

Starbie · 09/11/2023 09:54

I’m really at the end of my tether with DPs golf hobby. We have four children between us, two of which are teenagers, one a preteen, and a 2 month old baby.

Prior to the teenagers living with us, DP would play golf every other Saturday. It lasts from 8am until 4pm. This worked well as it meant I could also organise child free time on the weekends, or we could have family time.

DPs teenagers moved in with us a few months ago, and DP has now decided he needs to play golf every Saturday as it’s his time to relax. This means I am left with children, sometimes four of them, every single Saturday. I do all of the childcare and night feeds for our baby during the week, despite also working myself (albeit only 10 hours). This weekend, my friend has invited me shopping for a few hours on Saturday morning, but as that’s DPs golf time, he’s insisting I take the baby with me. Sometimes our little one can be a real pain - this morning she cried for an hour in the car - so it won’t be relaxing for me or give me time to catch up with my friend. I rarely ever see friends, and when I do, I almost always have a child in tow.

I’ve suggested a compromise of every other Saturday for golf, but DP says I am unreasonable as he needs time to unwind and relax! I’m just pissed off and starting to feel resentful. He does work hard and earns a lot of money, but I honestly feel like sneaking out on Saturday at 6am so I can see my friend in peace.

OP posts:
MargotBamborough · 10/11/2023 08:56

Kisskiss · 10/11/2023 08:51

What a ridiculous, entitled man. He obviously thinks the kids are your responsibility.. it’s shocking that he has 4 children and has managed to hold onto this outdated pov.
if he insists on his alone time every other Saturday, then the other Saturdays should be YOUR alone time where he handles all 4 children on his own and you go do whatever you want
weekly golf from 8-4 is totally ridiculous when you have a small baby not to mention 3 other children. If he insists on keeping this schedule then he needs to cough up for a Saturday nanny so you catch a break

for context my husband used to golf every Saturday but this has been cut down to every other Saturday since we’ve had a baby. And please don’t bring how much money he earns into the argument as it doesn’t ever justify them offloading all childcare responsibility into their spouses

Show quote history

if he insists on his alone time every other Saturday, then the other Saturdays should be YOUR alone time where he handles all 4 children on his own and you go do whatever you want

This is what the OP is proposing but he is insisting on his alone time every Saturday, not every other Saturday.

MrsMitford3 · 10/11/2023 09:01

@Starbie You said DH makes a lot of money- reminds me very very much of a friend of mine. Her DH wasn't used to being told no. Very selfish and entitled and inclined to throw money at things. Also 4 children but all were both of theirs.

They had a Nanny in the week and because of a very similar scenario-golf every weekend they got a weekend Nanny.

They then got a divorce. He could not prioritise the family or anyone else's needs over his own. It won't change or get better.

Worldgonecrazy · 10/11/2023 09:02

My dad was the same. Now my mother is dead he romanticised his middle age, and I remind him that he was never there when we were growing up, as every weekend was devoted to his hobbies. I hate the way he thinks that mum was okay with it, the truth was that we just had to put up with it.

Your husband sounds equally as selfish. His behaviour is unacceptable, and you need to decide if you accept or leave. I doubt he will change.

Stillwaitingfor · 10/11/2023 09:06

Always amazes me how men feel like they are perfectly entitled to nope out of being a parent for something as trivial and selfish as a full day of golf/cycling. I just cannot imagine being that self centred. How do they sleep at night!!

SquishyGloopyBum · 10/11/2023 09:09

Announce that you will be meeting your friend every other Saturday from now on.

His behaviour is appalling and to go golfing after your c-section is unforgivable.

GrumpyPanda · 10/11/2023 09:10

@Beamur

Can you make time for yourself/your friends in the week? Perhaps the baby could go to nursery for a day or two every week?

A bit sexist to assume OP's friends won't be at work during the week...?

OP - saw today's update. Good on you for standing your ground and insisting on this weekend's outing for starters! Sounds like the baby isn't EBF, so would probably be happy as Riley on the golf course strapped into a sling and with lots of fresh air 😁

1990thatsme · 10/11/2023 09:10

Not another one!?
@Starbie you are worth more than this. You’re just an unpaid skivvy/housekeeper to him.

He either reverts to EOW with the golf or he fucks off and takes his kids with him!

Keepitrealnomists · 10/11/2023 09:12

If DH took up golf we would be getting divorced, if he had any other hobby every Saturday for 8hrs, refused to comprise and let me with 4 kids we would also be getting divorced!

okthenwhat · 10/11/2023 09:13

Sometimes I read threads like this and I think to myself "that's probably why the bloke is divorced".

ScreamingBeans · 10/11/2023 09:15

Why is this in AIBU? Obviously he's incredibly selfish and entitled. There's nothing to discuss here, he's a selfish shit.

bonzaitree · 10/11/2023 09:17

Thé simple answer is this Sunday take yourself out of the house at 8 and enjoy yourself all day. Go and see a film, wander around the shops. See if your mates are around for lunch. Go to a coffee and read a book. Go on a hike. Do something you love.

Repeat until it enters his skull.

YouJustDoYou · 10/11/2023 09:19

He's doing what many, many men do and use the partner as the convenient nanny, refusing to actually parent their own children themselves. This can't go on.

Edgeofthesea · 10/11/2023 09:19

Incredibly selfish.

Tell him that as he seems to love it so much, you're taking up golf too. Every Sunday, 8-4pm.

No need to actually play golf, just clear off and leave him to hold down the fort for the day. See how he likes it.

zurala · 10/11/2023 09:19

PrinceHaz · 10/11/2023 07:19

He just doesn’t sound like a good person. Ex wife is well shot of him. Stop being resentful - he won’t change, and split.

I agree. I couldn't be with someone who was so selfish and cared so little about me and his children.

I'd tell him this is a deal breaker and he needs to make a decision.

Beexxxx · 10/11/2023 09:20

Yeh he’s being really selfish and really not flexible. He’s basically turned your 5 day week being in charge of the kids into a 6 day week. Why should you only have 1 day a week to maybe squeeze something in for yourself, on the condition that you don’t have a million other family things to do? And when is he expecting to actually spend time with you? You’re a couple not tag team co parents? He should want to be spending more than 4 days a month with you and with him suggesting you see your friend on Sunday that’s even less. It just makes me a bit sad if I’m honest. My dad was like this, whether it was golf or sitting around watching m1 all day Saturday. We didn’t feel like we ever saw him and then it got to the point that we didn’t really have a relationship with him outside of basic providing duties. It got worse when my parents split because we couldn’t really heal that wound and just found it very very hard to connect with him. We haven’t spoken for 2 years because he believes we only used him for money (as kids🙄) when we honestly just weren’t that close because he never made that effort when we were younger (also the fact he had a short temper and his mood would flip for no reason).

I’m not saying this is your husbands future as my dad has clear mental health issues that he will never get sorted because he doesn’t believe in them, but this time now is so important especially if he missed out on that time with the older kids.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 10/11/2023 09:20

Saturday is Saturday. It's not HIS golf time. I would tell him that from now onwards, alternative Saturdays are YOUR time, and Sundays are family time.

Or else.

Velvetdragon13 · 10/11/2023 09:22

Explain to DP YOU need time to unwind too, you were happy to accept his lifestyle as advertised when DP moved in, but you did not anywhere agree to be DP's babysitter every weekend!

billy1966 · 10/11/2023 09:22

Be glad you haven't been foolish enough to marry this arsehole.

You are being called selfish because he wants to shut you down.

You got YOUR baby and now you need to STFU and be skivvy aupair to HIS children.

You are clearly very naive and cannot see that you have been sucked into a skivvy role.

He's not happy because the staff, YOU, are kicking up.

Your baby is two months and he has set out his stall.

He continues to live his life and has his golf day every week, whilst you do the skivvy parenting role that he has zero interest in.

12 months from now you will see this selfish waster a lot more clearly than you do now.

Be so glad you never married him.

If you were MY precious daughter I would be telling you to return to work full-time and be looking carefully at YOUR future.

That is if you don't want to be parent to 4 children with this waster, and enjoy your baby years with YOUR child.

Ask yourself would you have had a baby with him if you knew you were going to be parenting HIS 3 children full-time.....while he avoids family time like the plague???

You have options, look at them.

Can you go and stay with your family for a bit and let the loser crack on with his children?

Think carefully of the type of man that calls a new mother selfish because she wants a few hours to herself.

Its ok for HIM not to want to be with HIS children, but you have to suck it up and have zero free time?

He really does believe you are a mug with zero self respect, that will accept being treated like a skivvy aupair.

Wake up and protect yourself and your new baby from this selfish loser.

This relationship is doomed.

Hooplahooping · 10/11/2023 09:24

I’ve told my husband that if he gets very into golf, I’m going to get really into battle re-enactment. Lots of child free time outside and some VERY particular clothing…

your husband either needs to organise alternative childcare or to cut down. He’s being a douchrocket - and the longer he carries on the more indignant he’ll be about cutting down.

my husband also has a very intense / well paid city job - but that doesn’t mean he treats me like my needs are secondary to his.

you need to draw a line in the sand here about shared parental responsibility. Can you write it down before you have a sit down conversation. Or even send him an email if you communicate better in written form?

the status quo is making you unhappy. And that must change.

ilikemethewayiam · 10/11/2023 09:28

BarbaraofSeville · 09/11/2023 10:10

Golf doesn't take all day, so that's double piss taking. Is he spending all afternoon in the clubhouse bar as well? at the very least he doesn't get to do both. He either plays in the morning and comes home at lunchtime, or you go shopping on Saturday morning while he looks after DC and golfs in the afternoon.

I think I already know the answer to this, but I might as well ask, how often does he care for the baby by himself and when is your 'time to relax'?

As a lady golfer, i just wanted to say that it can literally take all day. If you exclude the obligatory 19th hole for drinks, which 99% of the lady golfers at my club don’t do as they have stuff to do at home, it takes a minimum of 6 hours unless you actually live on a golf course. 18 holes takes around 4 and half to 5 hours depending on size of the course. Loading trolleys & clubs in the car, drive to the course, unloading and setting up trolley, change shoes, check-in with the office etc at the club, plus the etiquette is arriving at the Tee 5-10 minutes before your slot. Same in reverse when you get back. I don’t stop for drinks generally but I’m out of the house approx 6-7 hrs. Hubby stops for drinks so 8-9 hours. I know MN hates golf but it’s not the sport itself that’s the problem, it’s the selfishness of how often men play. The ladies at my club play no where near as often as the men because they are still responsible for everything else at home and can’t let things slide like men do. They fit their golf in around their life whereas the men do the opposite. Just to add, I spent way more time at the stables with my horses when I had them than I ever do playing golf. My then DH was a horse-girl widow! Golf is a wonderful sport as you get older. It makes you get out and walk for miles, stretch out, forget your stresses and relax and chat with other like minded women. It’s men’s selfishness around golf that’s the problem.

Sarvanga38 · 10/11/2023 09:30

Starbie · 09/11/2023 12:04

@Itsnotchristmasyet I quite fancy my hobby being the local spa for 8 hours every Sunday.

I would be very tempted to do exactly this for the next month. However, I would lay money that his Sunday would not include:

I still end up doing lunch for us all, tidying up after everyone, arranging something for us to do, or giving them lifts (we live very rurally) as I feel sorry for them just sitting around the house

Mayhemmumma · 10/11/2023 09:32

I would be raging! I'd want him to play golf every Sunday instead if he insists as all the social stuff for you and the children will be Saturdays?

HarrietStyles · 10/11/2023 09:33

I would 100% play him at his own game, he won’t understand your upset/frustration unless he experiences it himself. Book yourself a spa day for the next four Sundays. I’m not joking, actually do it. You need your “me time” after looking after a newborn solo and working 10 hours a week on top - you are a superwoman. Give him a month to experience being at home every Sunday on his own with the kids and see how he enjoys it. And if he kicks off and doesn’t allow it then you will see him for exactly what he is - a selfish twat with double standards.

Everanewbie · 10/11/2023 09:33

ilikemethewayiam · 10/11/2023 09:28

As a lady golfer, i just wanted to say that it can literally take all day. If you exclude the obligatory 19th hole for drinks, which 99% of the lady golfers at my club don’t do as they have stuff to do at home, it takes a minimum of 6 hours unless you actually live on a golf course. 18 holes takes around 4 and half to 5 hours depending on size of the course. Loading trolleys & clubs in the car, drive to the course, unloading and setting up trolley, change shoes, check-in with the office etc at the club, plus the etiquette is arriving at the Tee 5-10 minutes before your slot. Same in reverse when you get back. I don’t stop for drinks generally but I’m out of the house approx 6-7 hrs. Hubby stops for drinks so 8-9 hours. I know MN hates golf but it’s not the sport itself that’s the problem, it’s the selfishness of how often men play. The ladies at my club play no where near as often as the men because they are still responsible for everything else at home and can’t let things slide like men do. They fit their golf in around their life whereas the men do the opposite. Just to add, I spent way more time at the stables with my horses when I had them than I ever do playing golf. My then DH was a horse-girl widow! Golf is a wonderful sport as you get older. It makes you get out and walk for miles, stretch out, forget your stresses and relax and chat with other like minded women. It’s men’s selfishness around golf that’s the problem.

Show quote history

4.5 to 5 hours? There is uproar at my club if a round goes beyond 3.5 hours. This scenario is a big part of why golf gets such a bad name, its drifted from a half day activity to a full day activity because somehow 5 hours became the norm.

Mayhemmumma · 10/11/2023 09:35

And how awful for the teens to arrive and to be so clearly a burden