To think golf EVERY WEEKEND is selfish?!

[Starbie]

I’m really at the end of my tether with DPs golf hobby. We have four children between us, two of which are teenagers, one a preteen, and a 2 month old baby.

Prior to the teenagers living with us, DP would play golf every other Saturday. It lasts from 8am until 4pm. This worked well as it meant I could also organise child free time on the weekends, or we could have family time.

DPs teenagers moved in with us a few months ago, and DP has now decided he needs to play golf every Saturday as it’s his time to relax. This means I am left with children, sometimes four of them, every single Saturday. I do all of the childcare and night feeds for our baby during the week, despite also working myself (albeit only 10 hours). This weekend, my friend has invited me shopping for a few hours on Saturday morning, but as that’s DPs golf time, he’s insisting I take the baby with me. Sometimes our little one can be a real pain - this morning she cried for an hour in the car - so it won’t be relaxing for me or give me time to catch up with my friend. I rarely ever see friends, and when I do, I almost always have a child in tow.

I’ve suggested a compromise of every other Saturday for golf, but DP says I am unreasonable as he needs time to unwind and relax! I’m just pissed off and starting to feel resentful. He does work hard and earns a lot of money, but I honestly feel like sneaking out on Saturday at 6am so I can see my friend in peace.

Whoa, back up.. I’ve just read that he went golfing after your c section and family had to step in to help out, also the weekly golfing sessions started after his teens moved in because he couldn’t cope with the stress of looking after them…yet he expects you cope with all three of his kids and your own pre teen every Saturday. oh the irony of this. A Prince among men. Ask him how do his kids feel seeing thier dad fuck of out for hours every weekend as soon as their suitcases landed on his living room floor. “There’s your room kids, se ya later “

golf courses should come with softplays and playgrounds

4.5 to 5 hours? There is uproar at my club if a round goes beyond 3.5 hours.

Depends on the course and how many people are playing - the two courses I play are 4 hrs and 4 hrs 20 minutes for a four ball.

So the moment HIS children came to live with you guys full time he suddenly needed more time to “unwind”, aka seeing the kids as little as humanly possible? Is he deathly allergic to parenting or something? What an absolute twat.

Your husband is being a selfish pig. Especially expecting you to look after his other kids.

What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

You should have the same amount of child-free leisure time as him. In fact, in this situation you should have more, because the responsibility for parenting HIS DC is 100% HIS to resolve.

So, from now on, every hour he's relaxing, child-free out of the house you do a tally and then you get to relax for 1.5 times as many hours as that (to allow for the 2 DC that are his responsibility).

If he's out for 5hrs, you get to go out for 7.5hrs - without guilt.

Put that deal on the table and see if he can argue his way out of it, because that's fair, that's the reality of what he should be doing. Anything else is taking the piss.

But I'm presuming you can see now why his relationship with the mother of his first 2 DC broke down 🙄

Every other weekend is MORE than generous. You need to tell him that you have plans this weekend so he needs to have the kids. I’d be tempted to even leave the baby, if bottle fed, but understandable that you may want to take baby with you. You need to make clear that you need down time too. Being on mat leave is not a fricking holiday!! It’s not fair for him not to want to spend time with his teenagers either. He is a selfish wanker all round, sorry OP.

The situation is past talking, only action will make a difference.

Go out on Saturday with your friend, I suggest you have your hair done before hand and maybe a bit of clothes shopping. Certainly don't rush back, oh and you might want to plan a nice ladies weekend away once you feel baby is old enough to be away from you for that length of time.

Going forward join a nice health club - is unlikely to be more expensive than a golf club. Go there for most of Sundays.

Don't talk about it or make a big fuss, just do it. He will get the point soon enough.

After reading this…. Wow. Do you genuinely want to be with this selfish pig? What does it bring to your life? My DH works Saturdays and every other Sunday so I get how hard it is solo parenting at the weekend and not being able to make plans etc. I’ve asked my DH to change hours now after 7 years which he agrees with. but it was his choice to go out on a jolly every Saturday?! I don’t think we’d be together actually.

No you ANBU but he certainly is. Can you plan a day out, get up early and just go? No, I suppose that's too passive aggressive. But you need to insist on a compromise. Every other week sounds fair to me.

My DH has played a particular sport all the time I've known him (30+ years). It takes up several hours but not the full day. He can do it in the evenings on the summer but it's mainly on Saturdays. When our kids were young, he pretty much gave it up or only went occasionally. When they became more independent he started going again.

Other than that he has used the gym for years and that fitted in fine, with him either going in the day or on evenings when I wasn't going out. Also it doesnt take up a whole evening. Ask him to get a new, more family friendly hobby.

8am to 4pm? That's not right. Every week is taking the piss I agree but even so why is he out for 8 hours? My DH plays once every 2 weeks is out absolute max of 5 hours, including a drink after.

There have been lots of discussions around this in the golf world as they’ve realised women are put off golf due to how long it takes and that women today are financially better off so a potential good source of new revenue. They are looking at ways to make golf more family friendly. Golf is not compatible with child rearing. It’s something women take up after the kids have flown the nest. Unsurprisingly men have resisted this as they don’t want their golf courses turned into playgrounds and quite frankly they want to get way from that. Sadly a lot of male golfers I know admit they play partly to get away from the house, wife and kids.

Adding another voice to the he’s a shit.

id write him a note, saying you need the same down time child free as him. Being at home with a new born doesn’t count.

If you split up you would have X time and your life would better and he would have less time for golf having the kids every other weekend. So does he want that or to keep his cushty set up now and have every other week for golf, which is still better than being single.

but I wouldn’t be able to look at him in the same light again.

He is a selfish prick and the fact he can't see that is really worrying. If you want to play golf every Saturday, don't have 4 fucking kids, he didn't need to did he. But he chose that life so now needs to be a family man rather than acting like he doesn't have a family.

As someone said up thread, the sad matter is you'd have more time on your own if you split up. It doesn't sound like a loving relationship or that he cares about your own wellbeing or that he respects or values your efforts. As a mum to a newborn your wellbeing and down time should be really important given how many women struggle at such a vulnerable time.

Unfortunately these completely ignorant morons do only seem to learn when they are on the receiving end. So I absolutely agree that you should leave him every Sunday 8-4 to make your point. And I hope that works, if not, I'd be seriously thinking about leaving, it's no way to live your life.

The older teens are his I presume and they've moved in - why? Do they ever go to their mother's or somewhere else for some of the time? Surely, he should be there for his own kids let alone the blended family and his wife! If he only used to golf every other weekend once he can go back to that or at the least cut down the hours. He's in a boy's club where the membership requirement is being selfish. You are staff. He's totally avoiding parenting and domestic life: that's not fair to you.

Why can't the baby's father look after her? The baby has 2 patents. Why can't the mother have a couple of hours out when she's dealing with a baby and all the other kids all the time. Never mind that she definitely needs a break from a baby that cries for hours

Wow he must be really good at golf by now.

@ToadOnTheHill

this is his exact thought process...

You dont need time to relax, you're at home all week with the baby and can nap when the baby naps and have time to yourself then. He works all week. He needs that time.

And you should enjoy parenting his children. You're already looking after your own so why not his? You dont want to treat them differently do you?

And because he is bringing in money he should be able to spend it his he wants.

Why would you want time to yourself on Sunday when it's the only day you get with him all week?

Reflect on how selfish that is for a while.....

Nailed it in one!

I am so sorry you are having to tolerate this @Starbie

There is some good advice from many posters on here, because many have seen this behaviour from men - in their own relationship, or in others.

Good luck. Apart from splitting though, I don't see a solution, because he won't change any time soon.

Do not feel guilty and whatever you do don’t cancel. and then i’m make sure you arrange something for a fortnight’s time.

he is a big spoilt selfish baby - and like a child, he needs to be taught what is right and wrong.
dont let him bully you or spoil your meet up

On another note, why oh WHY are men so selfish and self-centred - especially when it comes to their fucking sports and 'hobbies?' It's almost like they want to shirk family responsibilities! (And CBA to spend time with their wife/partner!)

Also, their 'hobbies' always cost shit loads of money too!

So true.

I play a little game with myself when I'm out. I look at every cyclist I can see when out in the car/walking and do "man again" guesses and I'm always right.

Whenever I see a woman cycling, 100% of them have kids in tow - either on a family cycle mum dad and kids, or hauling them behind in those carrier things.

How many times do I see solo men with children with them on bikes? Never. Literally never. Now I see this, I see it all the time.

This.

Don't have any more children with this selfish geezer

It's not the golf that's the problem, if he's in any way decent he should be round the course and home again by 12pm in winter. Exercise and fresh air and a bit of time away from the home is really good for all of us. It's the drinking afterwards that's causing the problems.

He’s not a partner. Partner = equal. There’s not anything dear or darling about him.

Whose house are you living in? Are you saving a pension for yourself? As you aren’t married, you’re potentially in a precarious position if your income is low.