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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think golf EVERY WEEKEND is selfish?!

414 replies

Starbie · 09/11/2023 09:54

I’m really at the end of my tether with DPs golf hobby. We have four children between us, two of which are teenagers, one a preteen, and a 2 month old baby.

Prior to the teenagers living with us, DP would play golf every other Saturday. It lasts from 8am until 4pm. This worked well as it meant I could also organise child free time on the weekends, or we could have family time.

DPs teenagers moved in with us a few months ago, and DP has now decided he needs to play golf every Saturday as it’s his time to relax. This means I am left with children, sometimes four of them, every single Saturday. I do all of the childcare and night feeds for our baby during the week, despite also working myself (albeit only 10 hours). This weekend, my friend has invited me shopping for a few hours on Saturday morning, but as that’s DPs golf time, he’s insisting I take the baby with me. Sometimes our little one can be a real pain - this morning she cried for an hour in the car - so it won’t be relaxing for me or give me time to catch up with my friend. I rarely ever see friends, and when I do, I almost always have a child in tow.

I’ve suggested a compromise of every other Saturday for golf, but DP says I am unreasonable as he needs time to unwind and relax! I’m just pissed off and starting to feel resentful. He does work hard and earns a lot of money, but I honestly feel like sneaking out on Saturday at 6am so I can see my friend in peace.

OP posts:
redastherose · 10/11/2023 08:04

Starbie · 09/11/2023 10:09

@Whatineed He goes in a big group and they all compete against each other. He also goes for drinks afterwards with the same group. Just infuriating.

The more I write, the more I want to book that spa night for myself on Friday!!

He is selfish, spends half a weekend on his own well-being and doesn't care that you don't get the same downtime. My exH was like this, always whining that he was so stressed he deserved that time just to himself and was really good at making me feel unreasonable for wanting any time for myself.

Lilyt14 · 10/11/2023 08:05

Of course YANBU! The fact that he waited until he’d moved in and you’d had a baby together suggests he knows that he’s taking the p*ss. He’s waited until you are more committed to him to show his true intentions.

I’d imagine that his extreme selfishness and unwillingness to commit to family life is a major reason for the breakdown of his relationship with his older children’s mum.

MsRosley · 10/11/2023 08:08

SecondUsername4me · 10/11/2023 07:23

He’s reluctantly agreed I can use this Saturday to see my friend, but kicked up such a fuss (why did my friend HAVE to plan it for Saturday when that’s his golf time?!) and made me feel so terrible, It’s put a real dampener on it

Seeing as he doesn't appear to need your agreement every single Saturday, to take care of his 3 children in addition to your own, he has no fucking right to feel he has the authority to agree to looking after his own three children plus one of yours for one single day.

What a twat.

Seeing as he doesn't appear to need your agreement every single Saturday, to take care of his 3 children in addition to your own, he has no fucking right to feel he has the authority to agree to looking after his own three children plus one of yours for one single day.

This. You can't let this situation stand, OP. I would go absolutely nuclear over this. He's behaving like an absolute shit.

Lilyt14 · 10/11/2023 08:10

Just read this update. This is highly manipulative on his part. He is pretending to be reasonable and compromise so that you can see your friend on Saturday, but then making you feel bad about it so that you don’t try to stand up to him again.

Exactly like my exH.

I’ll bet on Saturday once you return he’ll be awful and sulky with you for the rest of the day, just to ensure that you don’t dare to question his unreasonable behaviour in the future.

DilemmaWithTwins · 10/11/2023 08:10

80skid · 09/11/2023 10:00

I always look in these AIBUs as what would happen if you split up.

A) the teenagers wouldn't be your problem
B) you'd get more time off than you do now
C) he'd actually spend some time with his children when it was his weekend.

He sounds awful. I'm not suggesting this as a serious solution, but perhaps if you left the house from 8-4 every Sunday, he might change his ideas. More likely, the grandparents would be sought to help.

He needs to sort this out and you need some sleep.

You're spot on here!

TheSpruce · 10/11/2023 08:12

His reaction and recent behaviour in general would mean golf once a month max or he stops playing altogether. If he acts like a selfish child, he gets treated as one. Doesn't like it? Tell him to pack his bags and he can play golf all he wants when he's single. See how fucking 'relaxing' it is for him then.

Tiswa · 10/11/2023 08:13

So his children moved in and his response was he needs to have each Saturday off to cope with the stress?
go out tomorrow he is behaving like this to stop you gokng

Isobel89 · 10/11/2023 08:13

Not overly difficult to see why first relationship broke down… selfish never changes.

MargotBamborough · 10/11/2023 08:15

I'm afraid you've had a baby with a complete arsehole, OP.

I'd start making an exit plan if I were you. You'll get more time to yourself if he becomes an every other weekend dad.

Passepartoute · 10/11/2023 08:15

Am I right in thinking that the reality is that he's not even prepared to give you a few hours off on one Saturday in two months, let alone every other Saturday? If so that really is thoroughly selfish.

ChimneyPot · 10/11/2023 08:19

Starbie · 09/11/2023 12:02

He does do his fair share of housework and works full time. He does the school run 2 days a week for his DC.

I work 10 hours, look after the baby almost exclusively and do the other half of the housework.

Either way, I don’t think it’s okay to have every Saturday 8am - 4pm ‘off’. I really wouldn’t mind every other week, I’ve told him that many times, he just thinks I am unreasonable and he should be ‘allowed’ to relax and play golf every Saturday. After months of this, it’s started to build resentment. He even played golf after my c-section and got various family member to come and look after me and the baby. I’m really starting to feel cross and resentful.

Who does the school run for his DC the other days?

yetanotherdaytoday · 10/11/2023 08:26

There is something fundamentally wrong here.

It sounds like he, like many men, sees you as the help-human because you are woman and a wife.

He sees his need to relax and indulge his own whims as more important than your need to have any time off at all, even when you have a 2 month old baby!

He is utterly unconcerned that you get no time off, even when you point out it is making you unhappy.

Please don't let him trivialise this. It's core to your relationship.

wildwestpioneer · 10/11/2023 08:29

I know it's not a mature way of resolving the issue but if he's not willing to compromise, I'd book Sunday out for the next few weekends and see how he likes having to look after the dc on his own. I'd tell him it's now a perm arrangement and he will have to get used to a Sunday alone. Just to prove a point. I know in those weekends there will be no family time but tell him that you can all have family time during holidays - hopefully that will then open him up to a more realistic discussion.

My dh used to ride motorbikes, but at least he'd go out when the sun came up so we at least had most of the day together. Golf is awful as he can't play on his own, tell him he needs to find people who will start earlier or he forgoes his drinks afterwards

wildwestpioneer · 10/11/2023 08:29

I wonder why he's no longer with the mother of his two children?

Crinkle77 · 10/11/2023 08:30

My friend and his mates go really early in the morning like 6am and are finished by 10am so they can be home for most of the day and spend time with the family. I appreciate you can't go that early in autumn/winter but you could suggest that. Probably won't go down well though with the OP's husband cos he wants to go out drinking with his mates.

bridgetreilly · 10/11/2023 08:34

It does not take 8 hours to play a round of golf. My dad used to play most Saturdays but he would be back by 11am. Your DP is spending a lot of hours in the clubhouse with his mates.

AtLeastThreeDrinks · 10/11/2023 08:39

God this has raised my blood pressure this morning! Go tomorrow with a smile on your face and enjoy yourself. He’s sulking so you won’t do it again. And maybe ask him why he plans golf during your only time to see your friend, as Sunday is family time? It’s monumentally unfair that he takes every Saturday for himself. He knows that and he doesn’t care, so you need to push back. Your job (caring 24/7 for a two month old AND working) is also incredibly stressful and you deserve time to yourself. If he wants to golf every Saturday it should be half the day like another poster said so you get the other half. Or half a Sunday. Flexibility!

ZenNudist · 10/11/2023 08:45

This is ridiculous. I'd make your opening position that golf moves to monthly full day activity and maybe settle that ge can also take the morning every other weekend. So week one morning golf, week 2 home week 3 full day golf, week 4 home etc. You get days off too. He starts doing his fair share of running his own kids about. I wasn't impressed how you list him taking his own kids to school like its part of the shared division of labour.

Don't deek bloody guilty for going out Saturday! Stand up for yourself!

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 10/11/2023 08:45

So basically since HIS kids moved in he avoids them? Not a nice man.

Anonymouslyposting · 10/11/2023 08:47

If I had a 2 month old and my DH did this I would leave him, no question. It’s horrifically selfish and I would never forgive him. When you’ve got a tiny baby and three other kids around I think you are being incredibly generous to say that he can go every other weekend. I wouldn’t even be that generous. What a dick.

determinedtomakethiswork · 10/11/2023 08:49

My blood is boiling just at the thought of this.

Kisskiss · 10/11/2023 08:51

Starbie · 10/11/2023 07:15

I could get babysitters or get family members to help out and I could do something midweek, but that’s not the point (in my opinion).

I’ve explained to my DP why playing golf each and every Saturday for the amount of time he does makes me unhappy. I’ve explained I don’t want to be left alone with all of the children every Saturday for hours, that I’d like us to have family time and be able to use Saturday for other things. I’ve offered the compromise of every other week, which I think is very, very reasonable given our circumstances… we have a two month old for gods sake. And DP seemingly doesn’t give a shiny shit.

We had an argument last night which resulted in me calling him selfish and we’re still not talking this morning. He’s reluctantly agreed I can use this Saturday to see my friend, but kicked up such a fuss (why did my friend HAVE to plan it for Saturday when that’s his golf time?!) and made me feel so terrible, It’s put a real dampener on it.

What a ridiculous, entitled man. He obviously thinks the kids are your responsibility.. it’s shocking that he has 4 children and has managed to hold onto this outdated pov.
if he insists on his alone time every other Saturday, then the other Saturdays should be YOUR alone time where he handles all 4 children on his own and you go do whatever you want
weekly golf from 8-4 is totally ridiculous when you have a small baby not to mention 3 other children. If he insists on keeping this schedule then he needs to cough up for a Saturday nanny so you catch a break

for context my husband used to golf every Saturday but this has been cut down to every other Saturday since we’ve had a baby. And please don’t bring how much money he earns into the argument as it doesn’t ever justify them offloading all childcare responsibility into their spouses

Mumsmet · 10/11/2023 08:52

I assume the teenagers are his from a previous relationship and the tween is your child from another relationship and then the lovely little baby came along too.

It sounds like he was previously used to being a part-time Dad and he probably thought, with teenagers, that his parenting job was nearly done. Then he met someone younger (assumption) and is going for round 2 with a young brood. He may not be coping well and is using golf to escape and hang out with other middle aged men.

I hope the teens are okay. They have experienced a lot of change, they perhaps lost their Mum if they are living with their Dad full-time now or if not, they may feel rejected by her. Their Father should be prioritising the feelings of the children, all 4 of which need to feel seen by him as all are at crucial ages developmentally.

Golf is so expensive too, the kit amd clothes as well as the membership etc. I used to really resent how much was spent on my husband's Golf hobby when so little was spent on the children.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 10/11/2023 08:55

He’s opting out of parenting, he’s also taking the piss by going for drinks afterwards.
I feel sorry for his teenagers, moved in with dad and then he decides he loves his golf more than spending time with them at weekends.
Remind him he’s not a single man, he’s a father of three kids, all at difficult stages, they need him more than his golfing buddies do.
Lose your shit a lot more op.
If you divorced him he’d have to give up his weekly cop outs. Unless he wanted to take three kids with him..assuming that the pre teen isn’t his his child.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 10/11/2023 08:55

I would sit him and down and tell him he will be having your shared DC every other weekend if this continues as you will leave him. This is not a partnership.

You need to go back to work full time once maternity is over (you’re working a bit now so assuming this will pick up again once the baby is about 1?) and be ready and able to support yourself and the baby.

Unless he has a massive change of heart you will only ever feel resentful if you stay wight him.