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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think golf EVERY WEEKEND is selfish?!

414 replies

Starbie · 09/11/2023 09:54

I’m really at the end of my tether with DPs golf hobby. We have four children between us, two of which are teenagers, one a preteen, and a 2 month old baby.

Prior to the teenagers living with us, DP would play golf every other Saturday. It lasts from 8am until 4pm. This worked well as it meant I could also organise child free time on the weekends, or we could have family time.

DPs teenagers moved in with us a few months ago, and DP has now decided he needs to play golf every Saturday as it’s his time to relax. This means I am left with children, sometimes four of them, every single Saturday. I do all of the childcare and night feeds for our baby during the week, despite also working myself (albeit only 10 hours). This weekend, my friend has invited me shopping for a few hours on Saturday morning, but as that’s DPs golf time, he’s insisting I take the baby with me. Sometimes our little one can be a real pain - this morning she cried for an hour in the car - so it won’t be relaxing for me or give me time to catch up with my friend. I rarely ever see friends, and when I do, I almost always have a child in tow.

I’ve suggested a compromise of every other Saturday for golf, but DP says I am unreasonable as he needs time to unwind and relax! I’m just pissed off and starting to feel resentful. He does work hard and earns a lot of money, but I honestly feel like sneaking out on Saturday at 6am so I can see my friend in peace.

OP posts:
SecondUsername4me · 10/11/2023 07:24

Please make sure, where possible, that you are out of the house/uncontactable for at least as long as he usually is.

Findinganewme · 10/11/2023 07:24

Is it really about the golf, or is he hiding? Did his regular golf outings coincide with the teens moving in? I wonder if there is more to it?

him working hard and earning a lot of money doesn’t award him right to piss off and unwind every single weekend, without considering you/ your down time. That is just selfish.

Confrontayshunme · 10/11/2023 07:26

I want to come at it from another angle. I would do Barbie movie style sabotage. Tell him if it is so important to him, you want to see what he does. You want to see how great he is at this hobby he spends 400 hours a year on and ££££. Say you are desperate to see him excel at his sport and will bring the baby in a carrier. That baby will be easy to bring. Then proceed to let baby scream, ask where you can get hot water for bottles, change the baby on the green. Stare avidly at his progress and loudly scream when he does well. At the end of the day, insert yourself into every conversation over the meal. Then loudly say how great it was and can you come every week. He will be so unpopular with his golf buddies that no one will wany to play with him any more.

Fizbosshoes · 10/11/2023 07:28

My DH used to do golf (he took it up the week DD was born ....🤨) but it really doesn't take that long. He sometimes used to go on his own - admittedly very early, or early eve in summer and could go round in 3-3.5hrs.
If he has to do it every week, there will be a 9 hole course somewhere, or go to the driving range for an hour. It's v unreasonable to be out for an entire day.

Godwindar · 10/11/2023 07:28

He's made a life choice to have 4 kids, I am assuming the teens are his? Not sure you specify. He has also stretched his child rearing years over a couple of decades. He doesn't get to have a hobby he does for one full weekend day per week, I am afraid.

FlamingoQueen · 10/11/2023 07:29

Do not feel bad for ‘being allowed’ to meet with your friend tomorrow. Go and have some fun!
It would really annoy me if my DH was out every Saturday - although mine did do quite a bit outside the home when my dc were little.
Surely, with the weather being so awful he will be home more anyway (unless you don’t live in the UK)?
If you have something planned for a Saturday then he should stay home.
Enjoy tomorrow!

Aprilx · 10/11/2023 07:29

80skid · 09/11/2023 10:00

I always look in these AIBUs as what would happen if you split up.

A) the teenagers wouldn't be your problem
B) you'd get more time off than you do now
C) he'd actually spend some time with his children when it was his weekend.

He sounds awful. I'm not suggesting this as a serious solution, but perhaps if you left the house from 8-4 every Sunday, he might change his ideas. More likely, the grandparents would be sought to help.

He needs to sort this out and you need some sleep.

I think that is a serious solution. Sounds like OP has already tried to find a compromise but he won’t.

Zanatdy · 10/11/2023 07:31

He’s taking the piss, massively. Sorry but choose to have 4 kids and your golf hobby needs to take a back seat. Every week is way too much and no wonder you’re annoyed

Venturini · 10/11/2023 07:32

I could never live with a man like this. My god.

ElizabethAA · 10/11/2023 07:33

What takes 8 hours?

babyproblems · 10/11/2023 07:33

My DH does this with another sport one day a week BUT the difference is he is paid for it.. so it is more tolerable for me!!! I do insist he misses it occasionally and that he does childcare on other occasions. I would not tolerate this if he wasn’t being paid. Agree with pp’s saying he isn’t just playing golf. He’s having lunch, coffee, beers etc. And you don’t even get one day off!!! What a piss take. Honestly the more you think about it the more I think you should consider leaving him. He is incredibly selfish and making a deliberate choice to opt out of family life, and let you work really hard for nothing back. That’s not a partner..

SecondUsername4me · 10/11/2023 07:33

ElizabethAA · 10/11/2023 07:33

What takes 8 hours?

Being an active member of the "Bellend Dad" club apparently.

user1492757084 · 10/11/2023 07:33

Send his two older children with him every second Saturday and have your husband slot into childcare for all four from when he gets home until 8 or 9 pm - giving you every Saturday evening to catch up with friends and Sunday still free for a family day.

Once the teenagers become good at golf it gives your husband new options for playing golf. He might choose to just play with his children or make it a family golf day. Do you play?

HikingforScenery · 10/11/2023 07:34

Your DH should seriously look into encouraging the older three into going along to
the course. Lots of younger players enjoy it and form social connections with others their age. One of mine just goes because they see interesting wildlife

Dentistlakes · 10/11/2023 07:41

YANBU. Golf is a pita, although it shouldn’t take 8 hours! Is he having a long lunch in the clubhouse after the game?

DH plays a lot of golf, but he doesn’t disappear the entire day and he didn’t play a lot when the children were very young. It’s not fair for him to leave you on your own for half the weekend.

Projectme · 10/11/2023 07:44

What @80skid said.

He's not a decent dad or husband. He's a selfish twat.

diddl · 10/11/2023 07:44

and made me feel so terrible, It’s put a real dampener on it.

Well that's the idea isn't it-so that you don't do it again?

You need to get out of that mindset.

Look how happily he goes off every Saturday with nary a backward glance!

cheddercherry · 10/11/2023 07:44

You know it’s totally unreasonable, that’s not really up for question. What you need to be thinking about is what you do next. Do you put up and shut up and watch your resentment bubble, or do you have a conversation and lay out all these points.

Every other weekend is a compromise, if he refuses to give up every Saturday then tbh I really would be pretty much checking out because it’s obviously not a partnership is it? It’s you being a live in nanny.

Poppytops82 · 10/11/2023 07:45

YANBU.
My husband goes bike riding but its never every weekend( even though he'd like it to be) he always chats with me and we discuss our plans first.
When do you get abit of time?
I guess he thinks looking after a baby all week long isn't 'work'.

2chocolateoranges · 10/11/2023 07:45

Singlespies · 10/11/2023 06:58

When I split up with my husband I gained so much time. He couldn't disappear all evening to tennis twice a week.

I agree with this .

For the next 3 or 4 Sundays get up leave at 8am and come home 4pm. Give him a taste of hisn own medicine and see how long all day golfing Saturdays last after he realises he has a full day sunday with the children by himself every weekend.

cheddercherry · 10/11/2023 07:48

And also seeing your last update do you really think it’s ok that he’s now “let” you have one meeting with your friend and has “dampened it”? Does that sound like a functioning, healthy relationship? Where your needs and rest is bartered for and earned and his is simply expected?

Do you think he cares what he leaves behind every weekend when he skips out the door to golf and you’re sat there tearing your hair out?

BrendaBicycle · 10/11/2023 07:50

Sounds like your partner chose you to be his next maid

yes he is selfish

but he won’t change. This is the deal you signed up for

KTSl1964 · 10/11/2023 07:52

His children moved back and he fucks off every Saturday- wow - you need to nip to the shops on Sunday and not go back - he’s a very entitled tosser.

jeaux90 · 10/11/2023 07:54

He sees you as his support human who should just put up with his selfish behaviour.

If you divorce he'd be playing golf a lot less. Tell him that.

Hibiscrubbed · 10/11/2023 08:01

He’s reluctantly agreed I can use this Saturday to see my friend, but kicked up such a fuss (why did my friend HAVE to plan it for Saturday when that’s his golf time?!) and made me feel so terrible, It’s put a real dampener on it.

Ugh he’s selfish. Let me guess, he’s older then you by some margin @Starbie ?