My partner of 23 yrs has been meeting one of the mums in the playground for 15 yrs

[olderchildrenhorsesanddogslady]

Just found out my partner of 23 yrs ( actually 40 yrs from our first attempt) has been regularly meeting up with one of the mums from our grown up sons school for nearly 15 yrs. Last time I bumped into her in the supermarket she looked scared and shocked to see me - am I being unreasonable to assume the worst ? I worked fulltime and my partner retired soon after we got together so he mainly did the school run for many years. Our son is now 20. Dad has a history of breaking up marriages - 3 I think at the last count. ( not while we were together). Should I warn her ?

depends what you mean by " looked scared and shocked" depends what you mean by "meeting" depends what you know and how you know. Depends what you want? stay or go?

Meeting someone is fine, but strange that you didn't know for 15 years. Also sounds like you don't care much - what do you want to warn her about?

Warn her? About what?

Huh? Very confusing OP. You’ve known your Partner 40 years but been together 23? Of those 23 years you suspect he’s been seeing another woman for 15 years? Are you still together?

Meeting up to do what? Go for a walk? Sex? Surely it depends? Maybe they are just friends?

what would you earn her about? How did he break up 3 marriages if he has been with you for the last 23?

Post makes no sense.

The timings are very confusing. You must be about mid 50s and your partner has been retired since your son was a baby? Is this woman a school mum friend for him? I suppose he was in charge of school runs if he was retired and you are still working.

What do you want to warn her about?

Confused. Dad who? Is Dad your partner ? If so why do you call him Dad? That's weird. What has he been meeting her to do?

Your husband has broken up 3 marriages, but not when you were together, and you still married him?

He's had a long term affair when you were married and you want to warn his affair partner?

Dad has a history of breaking up marriages - 3 I think at the last count. ( not while we were together). Should I warn her

• is Dad in this sentence your partner?
• what should you warn her about? If they've been seeing each other for 15(?!) years she presumably knows him well...

Warn her? Warn yourself. If I have understood correctly

We've known each other since we were teenagers we were together for a while back then but went our separate ways. We started again 23 yrs ago. I've been to hell and back over this he is the love of my life and feel like I am being traded in. I've just moved out because I cant deal with the deception and the fact he didnt tell me or allow me to be part of this friendship. Apparently they have dinner, walk her dogs together for hours and he goes to her house for coffee. She is apparently happily married with 4 children. All while I've been at work. I'm broken literally. He is very charismatic and charming and people fall for his charms, but actually he is pretty hard work behind this mask. He loves a conquest and I worry for this woman but I suppose I also want to go an challenge her which is the worse side of me speaking.

He is 64 now, we got together again when he was 40. It dosent make sense to me either. Why did I go back to him.

If you feel this is a betrayal of your relationship, then you’re right to leave.

But what you say about warning her/worrying about her is odd. You’re accusing her of having an affair with your husband for 15 years. She’s not a victim here.

What did he say when you moved out?

I’m doubt talking to the other woman will do anything you want it to.

But you’ve known this man for most of your life, so you need to trust your instincts here.

Yes and that makes it worse I suppose. Maybe I want to speak to her to see how she reacts. I just feel so lost and betrayed. In the last 4 yrs I've lost both my parents to dementia and have had a pretty hard time. He was absolutely no support at all and found time for this woman. I know that writing this down is making me look stupid.

You say he loves a conquest but if this has been going on for 15 years it's definitely not a conquest!!

Is it an affair or a friendship? Your post is very unclear.

I have so many questions

• Why was your partner "retired" at 41? Do you mean unemployed and you have been financially supporting him? What does he do all day?

• Do you alternative between calling your partner- "partner" and "dad"?

• If so, when did he break up 3 marriages and why did you stay?

• What do you plan on warning her about? If she's having an affair with your partner and her relationship breaks down, that's on her.

Apparently they have dinner, walk her dogs together for hours and he goes to her house for coffee.

TBH this just so

Thanks my instincts are to run for the hills. He clammed up completely when I moved out. I asked him to come with me as we've lived in a busy town for years and I wanted to move from this huge empty house. But he said he liked where we lived and didn't want to move as he had friends and a life there. Basically he chose them over me. At first we tried to be amicable but he is miserly and has refused to buy me out or sell the house so I am in temporary accommodation. The house is half mine and we are tenants in common. At least I got that right.

This just sounds like the normal thing SAH people do while their partner is at work.

Yes you are right, thankyou. Not my problem

In secret?

Get a solicitor involved with the house and you can force a sale

Dad has a history of breaking up marriages - 3 I think at the last count. ( not while we were together). Should I warn her ?

Warn her about what?
You’re in a relationship with a man who has broken up 3 marriages, yet you’re worried more for her than your own?
Or is it that you want to warn her off because you know that’s easier than trying to make him faithful?

They could be good friends.
I know a lot of SAHP who meet up with other SAHP regularly and are good friends that don’t involve their partners.

Or they could be having an affair.
Unless you have proof of this then you cannot accuse them.

If he’s gone out of his way to lie to you e.g. telling you he’s been with his friend Tom all day when in reality he was with her, then that is not ok and there needs to be consequences.

Unfortunately though I can’t see you giving any consequences, apart from perhaps telling him not to see her again.

Forgive me if I’m wrong but I think it’s sounds like this man can do whatever he wants and you wouldn’t break up with him over it.

Sorry yes I alternated between dad and partner. He broke up the marriages before we got back together. It's difficult -he has an enormous hold over me. I was warned by several mutual friends not to go there way back then.