My partner of 23 yrs has been meeting one of the mums in the playground for 15 yrs

[olderchildrenhorsesanddogslady]

Just found out my partner of 23 yrs ( actually 40 yrs from our first attempt) has been regularly meeting up with one of the mums from our grown up sons school for nearly 15 yrs. Last time I bumped into her in the supermarket she looked scared and shocked to see me - am I being unreasonable to assume the worst ? I worked fulltime and my partner retired soon after we got together so he mainly did the school run for many years. Our son is now 20. Dad has a history of breaking up marriages - 3 I think at the last count. ( not while we were together). Should I warn her ?

I’m completely baffled by the finer details of this tbh, but:

OP. What do you want the next 30 years of your life to look? How do you want to spend them feeling? Think on that for a while and then start planning how to put that in place.

OP it sounds like you've been financially abused here. Was he unemployed or retired at 41? If he was unemployed how did he get a mortgage for a great big house? And did you not notice that he kept jetting off to Spain? Who was looking after the kids when the stay at home dad was in Spain?

Ah- is he your partner or your husband?

If you're not married then the financial situation is a lot more complicated.

Is this a case where he's never worked since his early 40s?

Have you been the earner and provided him with a house?

Is that why he didn't leave for this other woman? Because he was better off with you financially?

Is your son at home?
Does he know about this 15 years of deception by his Dad?

You've not said how you've found out.

How did you get to know this?

Can I clarify?

You got back with an ex when he was 40 and you were how old?
You have not married?
A year after moving in together he “retired “ at 41? Why? Has he been able to financially support himself during the past twenty odd years or have you supported him?
Are you a high earner?
He has had a secret relationship, possibly affair with OW for 15 years. How did you find out?
As you aren’t married, his house in Spain is his alone. He bought that secretly?

I would get lawyered up and sell the house and then have as little to do with him as possible. Sounds like you’ve been played. Sorry 💐

It was an ad, so I reported it and it’s gone now.

Me and my DH are pretty close and I couldn't imagine either of us having a friend for 15 years that the other one didn't know about.

Im totally confused 😕

How did you find out about his affair @olderchildrenhorsesanddogslady ?

I don't understand why you refer to' the mum in the playground'.

Your son is 20. Your first post made out your son was still at primary school

He won't have needed anyone to pick him up from school for years and years.

Who told you about the affair?

There are so many questions around this and a lot of it is very unclear.

@APocketOfGooseFood Me too (reported it.)
Not sure about this thread either and have drawn attention to it.

@olderchildrenhorsesanddogslady You may have well been describing a close relative - now dead but never forgotten. His wife was a wonderful, hardworking woman who was completely besotted with him.
He treated everyone deplorably - shacked up with a neighbour when doctors expected his wife to die, came back when she made an unexpected recovery. His philandering carried on into his seventies and several women lost jobs by him flaunting their affairs in their workplaces.
Women found him addictive and always regretted being involved with him - all four wives and the dozens of dalliances.
I fully understand 'the hold' that someone expert in pushing your buttons can exert. Finding someone to help you unpack those complex feelings will help you to rid him from your life - these parasites can live rent-free in your head for a long time.
Good luck.

Keywords: being her DH's back

It is very words to have a friends of 15 tests and not mention that to meet them daily.

Had to read your post several times to grasp what was going on, with further posts eventually giving clarity…

So, your husband had a history of breaking up marriages prior to your relationship recommencing. You’ve split up and are slowly finding out that he had a huge hidden life whilst you were at work.

Your concern is misplaced, you should be concentrating on yourself now. This other woman was complicit with your husband in having an emotional affair. Members of the opposite sex should not be meeting with married people, without their spouse being aware and comfortable with the relationship. She has contributed to the break down of your marriage and does not deserve your sympathy.

Save all of your energy for yourself.

Personally, I would have been inclined (at the age he is) to thole it and stayed in situ in the house while making my own life separate to him. However I am stubborn.

Right thinking would do as you have done, seek legal advice and push forward to force the sale or buy out of the house.

Lots of therapy and self care to get you through.

He's retired, she's stay at home mum. Sounds like they spend company walking dogs coffee etc. for 15 years. And? What do you think he does with his time all these years? I don't think she needs any warning whatsoever. She's known him for 15 years and still married in her own life.

You on the other hand don't sound happy. So maybe rethink your own relationship with your partner. That's the real issue at hand here

Are you asking if this was on affair- or a friendship?

It's clearly not a friendship.

And I doubt the OW is happily married because she's living a lie too with her husband.

Who has told you about this now?

Who would be happy in this situation?!

TBH I don't care about the "finer" details .
Yes it's muddled and confusing but it isn't the law that posters should be clear about their circumstances. Nor that they have to be clear what they want from a thread . In my book , venting and writing stuff down to clarify ones thoughts are all acceptable.
It might be nice and it might help in deciding whether you want to invest in the thread .
For those who can't read the OPs comments -
As far as I can see the OP has explained that she's a tenant in common and that she's moved out and is renting . Also that she's seen a solicitor.
She's said he bought a flat in Spain ,I didn't see any remarks about him going there frequently .

Poor woman sounds in turmoil .

He's been seeing a woman in secret. For 15 years? And hasn't told you? That's terrible OP. If it was just as friends he would have mentioned it. I have a male friend from the school run and i always say to my husband 'met x at the park with the kids'. It's just normal conversation. I certainly don't go to his house for hours though...don't be gaslit. You need to get hold of his phone..

I'd get a counsellor and work through these feelings you have, to cut ties with him. I'd also go and see a solicitor to get the house sold and split. It can take a while, so advise going now to get the ball rolling. Leave the other woman out of it. It sounds like a hot toxic mess, so just keep out of it all.

So you’ve moved out and got a solicitor. She’s been seeing him for 15 years while he was with you (15 years?!). She must know what he’s like.
Warn her about what exactly? What’s your AIBU or are you just venting?

What do you mean by “dad”. Your DH?

@olderchildrenhorsesanddogslady

You might want to have this thread moved to relationships. You just report it and ask for it to be moved.

AIBU is all very well in its way, but not as good for painful personal situations, like this one.

You have had good advice about getting a solicitor and therapy. There is also your son to be considered. Young adults still tend to be reliant on their parents for emotional needs, if not financial. This will be hard on him.

I agree with others that there is no point in warning off the other woman, unless he has been physically or otherwise abusive. She is likely just to assume you are bitter and jealous. Her reaction could be because your partner has told her you are irrational (“the psycho ex”). This is not unusual.

Sorry OP but I am a bit lost .
You say he broke up 3 marriages - was he married 3 times ? Or was it his friendship with 3 other women that broke up their marriages ? If its the latter surely that’s on the women ?
why did he retire so young ? Have you been keeping him ?

But this is a complete contradiction of what you said before.

First you said you left him because you found out that he was friends for 15 years with a woman, and you ‘couldn’t deal with the deception’ any more.

Now you’re saying you left him because you wanted to move to the countryside and he didn’t and that after you ended the relationship, you found out he was friends for 15 years with a woman.

Which one is it? None of this makes any sense. You’re separated, at your instigation, so why would you need to ‘warn’ his friend of 15 years? Warn her about what? He’s single now, because you’ve left him. So if she wants to leave her husband for him (and there’s no indication that she does) that’s up to her.

Sorry my first post wasnt clear. I wrote it badly. I did say that they have been meeting apparently for 15 yrs ie since my son was at school and he is now 20. And its carried on. So more than just an acquaintance im guessing. I wasnt trying to make anything out its just a horrible situation and i didnt explain it. Its difficult to explain things without spilling out all the emotion that i feel atm.

The fact he didn’t support you through your parents dementia says it all.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Men can be such arseholes can’t they?

To put it into perspective, there’s a dad I know well from school who does all pick ups etc, we sometimes go to the swings etc and do stuff with the kids however it does make me feel a bit awkward (I’m a single mum although not remotely interested in him or other men in that way at the moment) so when the mum is around, I go out of my way to chat to her and make friends with her too. I want to know both of them, not just him.

I think the way this other woman has kept it from you and seems so awkward is extremely fishy.