My partner of 23 yrs has been meeting one of the mums in the playground for 15 yrs

[olderchildrenhorsesanddogslady]

Just found out my partner of 23 yrs ( actually 40 yrs from our first attempt) has been regularly meeting up with one of the mums from our grown up sons school for nearly 15 yrs. Last time I bumped into her in the supermarket she looked scared and shocked to see me - am I being unreasonable to assume the worst ? I worked fulltime and my partner retired soon after we got together so he mainly did the school run for many years. Our son is now 20. Dad has a history of breaking up marriages - 3 I think at the last count. ( not while we were together). Should I warn her ?

Thankyou, its taken a long time to come to my senses. Im sorry about the drip feeding i just didnt know how to put it across simply.

Did you have no idea of this woman’s existence? Or just not realise how friendly they are?

I can’t imagine a situation where my DH knows a mum at my child’s school that I don’t know. Are you/have you been friends with this person over the years?

He has his own sources of income from being in the oil business in the 1980s and from inheritances. He didnt live off me financially although he owes me alot of money from the house purchased 20 yrs ago. So the house in spain is bought with that money effectively. He has offered it to me by way of payment 20yrs on but its not for me.

OP I don't think you were drip feeding at all. You were answering questions.
This man does not make you happy This is all you need to think about. get your solicitor on the selling of the house and try to walk away from this man before he runs you into the ground.

No not really, i met her occassionally at parents evenings and picking up our sons at events etc and when i did the school run.

Thankyou it is so hard to get away. Ive been in denial for so long i dont know how else to think.

Did someone alert you to this relationship or did you suddenly discover something yourself?

Where is your son and who does he live with?

Presumably he knows what his father has been getting up to?

(Is he your joint son, or yours from another relationship?)

How old are you now? Do you still work or are you now retired?

I knew they knew each other and i thought it was good back then that he was making contacts. But i didnt know how much they saw each other & texted etc. ( no i havent looked at his phone btw)

I'm sorry but you've still not said how your thinking changed and you 'found out'.

I'm also sorry that the way you keep avoiding some very understandable questions, makes posters wonder about the authenticity of your thread.

For example, I asked a couple of times about your adult son, where he is, and your own work, age and retirement and whether you still need to work now.

How did you find out what has been going on?

How did you find out?

Hi its our son and he is at uni now. After i moved out i asked about their relationship and got the full stiry which came out very heatedly so ge probably said more than he meant to. Ive gone back to uni after taking early retirement so that Is a lifeline for me atm & will.go back to work in a new direction when ive finished hopefully.

@olderchildrenhorsesanddogslady Were you once, or even twice, the lady who was kept as a secret?

Is that why you feel you need to be involved in trying to stop the cycle repeating itself?

If that is the case I understand, as you must feel hugely devalued and want to stop someone else from feeling the same.

I think I would have to talk to her if I were you.

It sounds as though your DP is gaslighting your feelings around this. Gaslighting can drive a person insane.

It is highly unusual to have a close friendship with the opposite sex and absolutely no friendship with their other half. It leads to the obvious conclusion that they are having an affair. I wonder what her own DH thinks of this.

I would ask her directly if she thought this friendship was appropriate. For no other reason than to validate your own feelings and bring you clarity and closure.

Wish you all the best OP.

Ive gone back to uni after taking early retirement so that Is a lifeline for me atm & will.go back to work in a new direction when ive finished hopefully.

He is 64.

Your son is 20.

How old are you?

Am I right to assume a big age gap? (but that doesn't really make sense when you said you knew him when you were both teenagers.)

Sorry ive just replied, sorry why would anyone make this up ? What point would there be? Do people do that ? Sorry im a newbie ; this is my first post.

This is SO confusing.

You have in fact moved out because your relationship wasn't in a good place anyway.

That's what you've said now, anyway. You only brought up this other woman after you'd moved out.

So your relationship was over anyway.

Or do I misunderstand?

4 yrs between us

So you're 60.

Is your uni course 3 years or a post-grad one year?

I'm just wondering what career you will move onto in your mid 60s.

Well done for doing that!

I'm so confused. What is the timeline here? You said that you 'just' found out about this woman, yet you've moved out months ago.

Take a deep breath, and try to give us a clear idea of what's happened over the last year or so and why, so that we can understand what caused what actions and when.
Clearly your relationship issues and your house move aren't just about this woman. Unless by 'just' you mean a year ago.

I moved out in the summer after several lines were crossed but i did hope that we would be able to reconcile. Very stupidly i think now. I just didnt know how much rhey had been seeing each other over all that time. Thats what really hurts. I guess the truth comes out evetually. We have seen each other most days since i moved out, its not like we havent spoken.. Im not sure what you would call it, i care about him deeply, we were such good friends in the past but that all seems pointless now.

Hi its got a bit long winded as my question was really about finding out after so long that they had a relationship - after i moved out things have been friendly and loving between my ex and i and i thought we were making progress until this. I was hoping it would be a kill or cure i suppose.

Very confusing 🤔

This, and how is the course being funded?

If you genuinely want help and advice, you do need to try to be less vague.

You are now saying you moved out in the summer because he 'crossed a line'.

What line was that?

It doesn't appear to be you finding out about his 15 year affair, because that information seems to have been revealed more recently.

It also appears that since you've moved out, you're still behaving as a couple, with sex, perhaps?

Because if this IS what's happening, you have just allowed him to use you even more, even though you have moved out. You've made it easier for him to have two women in his life.

Sorry but this is very confusing.