My partner of 23 yrs has been meeting one of the mums in the playground for 15 yrs

[olderchildrenhorsesanddogslady]

Just found out my partner of 23 yrs ( actually 40 yrs from our first attempt) has been regularly meeting up with one of the mums from our grown up sons school for nearly 15 yrs. Last time I bumped into her in the supermarket she looked scared and shocked to see me - am I being unreasonable to assume the worst ? I worked fulltime and my partner retired soon after we got together so he mainly did the school run for many years. Our son is now 20. Dad has a history of breaking up marriages - 3 I think at the last count. ( not while we were together). Should I warn her ?

@tescocreditcard The OP says it's a Masters she's doing. There are no loans for people doing Masters who already have a degree and have had a loan for that, according to online Gov info. She did also say she hoped it would open some doors for her, for employment.

https://www.gov.uk/masters-loan

@LaughterintheRains
@rileynexttime You've got your wires crossed :)
She did actually say that she'd moved out because of the lines he had crossed. The stuff about wanting to be closer to her animals etc came later.
^^
Yes I know . That's why , when listing the OP s posts in order ,I listed moving to be near animals as the last item. Coming after the post about lines being crossed .

Presumably your kids did their Masters over around 5 years ago? The Masters loans were launched quite recently. Odd thing to pick holes in really.

Weird answer, he didn't seem like he wanted to move on a few nights ago. Until i asked the question about this relationship and how long it had been going on. I should have asked a long time ago but never been brave enough. But if he wanted to move on as you say why didn't he ?

He sounds like a horrible, abusive, leathery old lothario.

@olderchildrenhorsesanddogslady
He had no impetus to move on; you were in no significant way interfering in his life. He was managing his life as he chose, and he was living full time with his child.

You probably became a nuisance when you made an issue of his friendship. You probably crossed his boundary of maintaining aspects of his life separate from the living arrangement that the 2 of you shared.

I don't necessarily think that he had an affair or sexual relationship with this woman. Men and women can have long-term friendships. I do think that he saw no reason to include you in this friendship much the same way that he saw no reason to involve you in his purchase of the property.

I think that you were just 2 people cohabiting with different life views and very different views of the relationship that existed between the 2 of you.

In any case, it appears that both of you are positioned to move on, and that is probably for the best. Don't waste your time trying to understand or analyze his motivations. None of that will enhance your future or lead to a better life.

FFS, troll hunters are worse than the trolls themselves!

This does NOT make you sound stupid. You were kept in the dark about something and the fact he hid it from you will of course make you assume the worst or why hide it otherwise?
At worst, he may have been having an affair with this woman. At best, he hid something from you and hasn't given you much support as a husband so I think the damage is done from what you have said and how he has made you feel from the deception. It's horrible later in life to end a relationship but it can be the beginning of something new. Not necessarily a new relationship, at least not in the near future and only if you decide you are open to something in the future, but you can spend time with friends, family, get a new hobbie and show yourself the respect your husband should have been showing you and put yourself first. I wish you the best.

@TookTheBook @olderchildrenhorsesanddogslady Apologies about the Masters loan. yes, my kids finished uni about 15 years ago. All the best with your degree.

But if he wanted to move on as you say why didn't he ?

Sadly, OP, because he had some sort of security with you (and couldn't pull away) and something else with the other woman. Many men like a foot in each camp.

She presumably didn't want to end her marriage but was happy to have sex and fun on the side. That perhaps suited both of them.

You've already explained he like a challenge, and he comes over as a man who likes the chase and the excitement. But to be honest, being in a 15 year affair shows it must surely be more than sex.

I hope your life pans out as you want, and you can move on from him.
He's really been a waste of space in your life.

@LaughterintheRains yes he is probably lying to her as well