My partner of 23 yrs has been meeting one of the mums in the playground for 15 yrs

[olderchildrenhorsesanddogslady]

Just found out my partner of 23 yrs ( actually 40 yrs from our first attempt) has been regularly meeting up with one of the mums from our grown up sons school for nearly 15 yrs. Last time I bumped into her in the supermarket she looked scared and shocked to see me - am I being unreasonable to assume the worst ? I worked fulltime and my partner retired soon after we got together so he mainly did the school run for many years. Our son is now 20. Dad has a history of breaking up marriages - 3 I think at the last count. ( not while we were together). Should I warn her ?

I moved out in the summer after several lines were crossed but i did hope that we would be able to reconcile.

What bigger lines could there be other than a 15 year affair?

What else has he done?

This woman aside (which could be a entirely platonic friendship), this relationship doesn't sound healthy for you. You describe him as having a hold over you, being a serial cheat...or marriage wrecker, of being no support when your parents passed away. Regardless of this woman, I think that this man isn't the right fit for you.

So your husband has been for coffee and walks with a friend?
Not surprised you moved out.

So the house in spain is bought with that money effectively. He has offered it to me by way of payment 20yrs on but its not for me

So, he could sell the house in Spain and use that money to buy you out of your half of the house in the UK? Seems a solution.

It’s strange the way you talk about your partner or ex. Saying he loves a conquest and things like that but at the same time this is the first you’ve found out about an affair ?

So to summarise if this is what you mean -

-You got together when you were 37 and he was 41.

-You knew then that he'd already 'broken up 3 marriages'- assume this means he had affairs as a single man with married women (but didn't end up with any of them.)

-OR it could mean he has been married 3 times and you were Partner No 4 but didn't marry.

-You had a child when you were 40.

-You carried on working to buy the house you share as tenants in common.

-He retired in his early 40s. He lived off the money he'd made in the oil industry (no clear how much) and he bought a house in Spain (unknown to you.)

-You decided to move out 6 months ago when he 'crossed a line' (unclear what.) This was a 'kill or cure' step on your part.

-But you've now discovered what appears to be an affair that he started 15 years ago.

Your question is- should you 'alert' this other woman to his past history.
Well, no, because she's known him for 15 years.

Why have you never married? Was he married 3 times or just had affairs with married women?

Sorry you're going through this OP. It's all pretty confusing but what stands out to be is your have been in a quasi relationship for 23 years. You aren't married? As you refer to him as your partner- correct me if I've missed something.
He's an old friend, you got together when you were both older and had a child together who is now 20.
Your DP bought a house in Spain in secret- who does that? He's been seeing this woman for 15 years.

It seems you have been just two people living together who have a son. You've spent 23 years with him, don't let him waste your time a moment longer! He's been living a double life!
I'm glad you've moved out and have gone back to uni, you can break free and start living. Don't let him taking up anymore of your life.

its not unusual to have a kid in your 40s now... she said they known each other as teens so they must be about the same age.

You said he gave you the full story when confronted, but you've only alluded to what's happened, what IS the full story between him and this woman then?

I would force the sale of the house and move on with your life, I can't believe you'd be waiting for someone to beg you to come back when they've been carrying on a a secret relationship with someone else for 15 years, with respect OP, stop pining for him and pull yourself together, if you were his 'other woman' at some point you know exactly where this is going.

@olderchildrenhorsesanddogslady
About what are you going to warn her! Afterwards 15 years, she probably knows him pretty well.

If he hadn't broken any marriages in the last 23 years, it hardly seems to be a pervasive or significant pattern.

If you did not know about this friendship for the past 15 years, it does not seem to have impacted your marriage too much. Has it occurred to you that having external friendships ( assumedly platonic) may have helped him continue in your marriage.

If you are done with him, there is no need to warn anyone. Get on with establishing your new life, and leave him to do the same.

it does not seem to have impacted your marriage too much.

They aren't married. He's her partner.

I sincerely hope the line he crossed that made you move out was not being violent towards you.

Considering all his other behaviour with finances , and lack of support around your parents' deaths, (and the affair, unknown to you at the time) the 'line' he crossed must have been bad for you to move out.

No advice but my old hairdressers' best friend was having a long term affair with her daughter's school friend's Dad!
She actually had a baby with him and so this poor girl would come round for a playdate and see the baby and not even know it was her half sibling!
It was an open secret as hairdresser had a big gob but I didn't personally know the woman who was being cheated on - what awful people these cheaters were. The affair partner seemed to gleefully enjoy the wicked 'secret' she had. Nasty woman!

Hi its confusing for me too and so wierd hearing what people say about what has been my normal for so long - ie living with a secretive emotionally abusive partner who has gaslit me so much i think i am the problem. When my parents died, my son went to uni, i took early retirement and menopause hid badly i think i had a breakdown or awakening whichever you want to go with and felt suffocated by him, when i moved out we werent splitting up - that sounds odd i know but we were taking a break to see if we could reconcile. I do bleieve that we love each other very much but probably not as much as i thought last week ! All the signs were good until this came out and i thought we would get to a new normal with my new 'boundaries' in place. Finding out this week about how much these two have seen of each whether they are having an affair or not has been devastating despite all of his other faults.

So you DO recognise the term 'gaslighting' and you acknowledge he's emotionally abused you.

Has he ever been married? (Or has he spent 40 years going from partner to partner, without marrying?)

What did you mean by he broke up 3 marriages?
His own, by having affairs?

Were you an affair?

What comes over to me is that you have put up with some terrible behaviour for years (some of which you are maybe not telling people about in full.)

You sound as is financially you're in a good place if you can fund a degree at 60.
Maybe spend some of your money on counselling.

It does come over as if you have been used and bullied by a man who is not a nice person. You refer to him as being 'difficult' behind the mask he wears for other people.

You don't need him in your life. He's a serial philanderer who's used you for years.

Maybe she's not sure yet.

Of course it’s an affair.

Never, ever known a man sniff around the 15 years for ‘friendship’.

Thats also why he doesn’t want to move. They’re still at it and the sex would disappear if he were to move away with you.

Many men are incredibly sexually motivated.

OP clutching at straws.

He’s been having an affair behind your back for 15 years.

He wants to have his cake and eat it, ie, have both of you.

He’s a selfish bastard and you need a good lawyer.

No more pining for him. He’s played you for a fool.

you said this man is your ex, so he’s just an ex boyfriend, the only legalities to untangle are the joint house. Get therapy, move on, enjoy life.

What are you two from student recruitment or something?!!

@LaughterintheRains

@SoySaucePls
Many men and women have long term friendships that are not sexual, and if he is happy in his present location why would he necessarily want to move?

I think that this man has lived his life realizing that his long term happiness was not necessarily linked to the longevity of his relationship with the OP. I don't think that he was living a secret life. He was maybe living a more aware life.

Seemingly they reared a son successfully, and now the relationship may have just run its course.

He seems positioned and prepared to move on with his life, and the OP should be preparing herself to do the same.

@Guesswho88
No it's just expressing an interest in someone aged 60 able to fund a 3 yr degree when fees are around £10Kpa. (I think the OP is financially ok and it will be coming out of her retirement lump sum.)

Wierd answer, he didnt seem like he wanted to move on a few nights ago. Until i asked the question about this relationship and how long it had been going on. I should have asked a long time ago but never been brave enough. But if he wanted to move on as you say why didnt he ?

Why did your menopause hit you at 58 and how do you pay for your uni course. This just doesn’t add up

Its a masters so 2yrs and i have a post grad student grant