My partner of 23 yrs has been meeting one of the mums in the playground for 15 yrs

[olderchildrenhorsesanddogslady]

Just found out my partner of 23 yrs ( actually 40 yrs from our first attempt) has been regularly meeting up with one of the mums from our grown up sons school for nearly 15 yrs. Last time I bumped into her in the supermarket she looked scared and shocked to see me - am I being unreasonable to assume the worst ? I worked fulltime and my partner retired soon after we got together so he mainly did the school run for many years. Our son is now 20. Dad has a history of breaking up marriages - 3 I think at the last count. ( not while we were together). Should I warn her ?

Yes I think you have described it very clearly - he has always done whatever he wanted, never discussed anything with me. Most of the time I thought it was just his way and I tended to acknowledge that but not challenge him as it was pointless to do that. But the relationship with this woman takes it to a new level. I think you are right as well, I don't think me not being there makes a differance to him now. I think at first he was a bit surprised that I actually went but he is just carrying on doing his thing. As I will in time do my own thing.

He has gaslit you so thoroughly that you now believe that a 15 year affair is normal, but it is neither normal nor appropriate. And the house in Spain is beyond the pale. You've been an afterthought for decades now, and you deserve more.

You have left. Stay gone. Get your solicitor to force a sale of the house and move on. And stop telling yourself that he's the love of your life. He's not. He doesn't love you back, probably because he's not capable of it. Get free of him and breathe.

As the saying goes, love is blind. You have had the blindfold removed in the most brutal of ways, you must be so hurt.

I’m pleased you have a solicitor. Your partner has been calling the shots for so long I suspect he isn’t expecting you to do anything. But take control you must.

It doesn’t sound like the relationship is worth salvaging, he hasn’t supported you in the toughest days of your life - so little point wasting more time on this person. I would suggest some counselling to help you outline a way forward. But don’t let the grass grow under your feet, you need to displace him from his comfortable life of doing exactly as he pleases.

I wish you peace and happiness, you deserve better.

@rileynexttime I can read very well, thank you. Please don't try t o insult posters' intelligence by saying they can't read.

The OP said she moved out 6 months ago because he had crossed a line.
She even came back more recently to explain that line was his lack of empathy over the death of her parents.

It's not me who can't read.

Op I hope you swore on the bible before you entered into the Lions Den.

What a pile on Mumsnet! This must be your finest hour ladies!

This!

I've read this thread while sitting overseas thinking the DH sounds like a caricature of a certain type of posh Englishman (I had a bf like this many moons ago). That totally typical distant, self-absorbed male perspective, for whom women are there to do this or that in his life. They never worry too much about money (there's always enough, just for them of course) or other grubby details of daily life and daily relationships, and they refuse to shoulder responsibility for anyone, except (sometimes) for children (loosely) up to a certain age. It's an extremely entitled type of machismo, completely me me me, and they ALWAYS go for soft women who let them get away with treating them this way.

You've got a student grant at 60, for a Masters?

There is no such thing.

You can get a loan for tuition fees but they have to be repaid.

Im not 60, there is a support loan (sorry I called it a grant - I am old enough to remember thats what they once were) from student finance for masters students, what has that got to do with anything anyway.

OP you don't need the advice of a collection of Mumsnet posters you need to disclose the full financial situation to a solicitor and you probably need to do the Freedom Programme not because of domestic violence but to help you think about the nature of your relationship.

Although you haven't legally married in all this time, to all intents and purposes you've lived as though it was a committed partnership and have had a child together. Ask yourself, would you have secretly purchased another property elsewhere and said nothing for years? Would you have had a long term friendship and never given him an inkling? If not, why should you accept this?
There are many other examples of the disregard he has for you, but you know you feel strongly enough to have left.

Whether the Spanish property is regarded as a family asset is to be determined, but to try and fob you off to go away, with something you hadn't previously known existed and which is of no interest to you, gives a flavour of how he regards you.

However you saw your partner through rose tinted glasses, the important thing now is to secure your future life and happiness and so you really do need professional input.

He isn't posh at all but certainly has that mindset. He is completely the opposite, almost feral.

Well I guess we both look pretty rank but in opposite ways, him for being a S**T and me for being in denial for so long & pretty stupid.
But some of the questions have been a bit weird and off subject.
My fault as well for not quoting questions properly so the Q&A got separated. Wont make that mistake again.

You can meet friends (either sex) while SAH and you don’t have to tell your partner about it, I certainly don’t give my partner a blow by blow account of who I’ve seen or what I’ve been doing. But lying about it is a betrayal of course.

Earlier you said there was a four year age gap between you and your partner, and he is 64 so you say? Got confused with you story have you?

He is 64 now Your own post

And at 9.53 you said you were 4 years younger.

That to me makes you 60.

AFAIK You can't get a support loan (living expenses) as an adult for a Masters when you are retired and clearly have income.

@LaughterintheRains actually what I said was " unable to read the OPs posts"
I said that because it frequently seems to me that on MN posters don't scroll back or hit the " see all " button.
I'm not sure why this happens -haste in posting, can't be bothered , but I'm not thinking they can't actually read.
As for the OP s comments about moving out I don't really understand your point , or whether in fact you're making one.
She'd said , in order of posts.
She asked him to come with her from a large empty house in a town to another property . He didn't want to move.
She moved out in the summer after several lines were crossed but she hoped they'd reconcile
Parents died, son moved out, she retired , was menopausal, felt suffocated , moved out not thinking they were splitting , hoping would reconcile.
She wanted to move to accommodate her animals .

The OPs comments about moving are in response to people wanting more detail , she gives more detail and people say she's contradicting herself. None of her reasons are mutually exclusive.

What?! I have male friends that I have been close to for over 20 years.

@rileynexttime You've got your wires crossed :)
She did actually say that she'd moved out because of the lines he had crossed. The stuff about wanting to be closer to her animals etc came later.

If you had a loan or grant for your undergrad degree, @olderchildrenhorsesanddogslady you can't get another support loan. (I know as both my DCs have Masters and we funded those. They paid us back once they started work.)

Maybe you are using the wrong terms for the money you're getting?

Yes I know . That's why , when listing the OP s posts in order ,I listed moving to be near animals as the last item. Coming after the post about lines being crossed .

No Im 59 & actually he was 1960 birth so my mistake he is 63 rising 64

It is from student finance really ??

Have you concealed them from your other half ?

WTF? Degrees aren't just for getting a job. It's perfectly normal to get a degree just because you like the subject and want to learn more about it. 60 PERFECT age to do one, as you're never likely to have to pay a penny back.