My partner of 23 yrs has been meeting one of the mums in the playground for 15 yrs

[olderchildrenhorsesanddogslady]

Just found out my partner of 23 yrs ( actually 40 yrs from our first attempt) has been regularly meeting up with one of the mums from our grown up sons school for nearly 15 yrs. Last time I bumped into her in the supermarket she looked scared and shocked to see me - am I being unreasonable to assume the worst ? I worked fulltime and my partner retired soon after we got together so he mainly did the school run for many years. Our son is now 20. Dad has a history of breaking up marriages - 3 I think at the last count. ( not while we were together). Should I warn her ?

Why would she be shocked and scared to see you, so you think he told her you'd died?

It doesn't sound like you're in a relationship now anyway, it sounds like you have bought a large expensive house, put his name on half of it and now he's living in it alone while you're in temporary accommodation.

Go get a lawyer and get the house on the market and sold and move on.

It just sounds like the activities stay at home parents do together.

If it is an affair then she doesn't need warning as she is as complicit of it as he is and she is responsible for her own actions.

It sounds like you are no longer together so I would forget about it and focus on getting your half of the house

Yes I have been an idiot. He bought a house in Spain 10 yrs ago without telling me. I am stupid when it comes to him it's obvious, despite being good at my job, well paid and qualified.

Yes good advice thankyou

No I think she has got herself into a situation with him and meeting 'the wife' wasn't something she wanted to do. Either that or I looked particularly awful that day

It's difficult -he has an enormous hold over me

Can you define the hold he has? Is it in a practical sense, or is it purely emotional? Because if it's emotional, you are the one who can release the hold. You don't need him to do it.

’Normal’?! I was a SAHM for 12 years. I didn’t go meeting up with members of the opposite sex behind my dh back whilst he was working full time.

I hope you’re ok OP.

The first thing you need to do is speak to a Solicitor. The house is half yours, so force a sale if necessary.

You're not an idiot. It's likely that you have an anxious attachment style, due to the way that you were raised. It's very common.

https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/anxious-attachment/

Thankyou for giving it a name, I have great anxiety and he makes it worse, it's like a snowball effect. I am trying really hard to not go back. I will look this up and work out some help for myself. BTW I have got a solicitor involved and have a first letter drafted, but in honesty I was hoping that he would either come to his senses and beg me to come back, or agree nicely to sell the house. He won't give up easily.

Talk about a drip feed OP!

In your first post you suspect an affair, but in your subsequent posts you say you've already moved out!

Presumably there is a big age gap if your son is 20, yet your husband is 64.
Unless you had your son in your 40s.

Not sure what advice you want. Meeting the OW in the supermarket and her being 'scared' sounds rather silly.

I don't know what you want from your thread.

Advice on divorce?

I think you want to warn her so she will end it with him. You don’t trust him to end it but by telling her you would perhaps have more luck. If it was over between them he might come back to you?

i don’t know what you think telling her would do. She knows about you, see knows she’s been having an affair with a married man. And whilst the situation is incredibly painful for you I have a feeling you deserve more from life than someone who has lied to you for 15 years

Hardly a drip feed, and maybe OP just wants a bit of moral support as she escapes an awful situation. Not everyone writes like George Orwell.

OP, go for it, get tough and get the life you want.

but in honesty I was hoping that he would either come to his senses and beg me to come back, or agree nicely to sell the house

We all hope that the future will be peachy. It isn't, always, though. And, anyway, why do you want to be with someone who you feel has such a hold over you? Do you feel that that denotes a healthy relationship? And the anxiety you feel around him... is that in the peachy future you hope for?

It most certainly is a drip feed!

She has already moved out. Though where is not unclear.

Where are you living OP?
Have you moved in with friends or rented yourself a house/flat?

Thanks my instincts are to run for the hills. Sounds as if you have already. You've moved out.

Your husband can't break up marriages. Women and men have agency and their own minds. If the other women had affairs with him, that was their choice. He didn't break anything up.

How did he retire at 41? Is he stinking rich- or do you mean he stopped work and you were the breadwinner?

Whose money bought the house in Spain?

So if you first knew each other as teenagers then I assume you are also in your 60s?
Why would your dh retire so early if you carried on working?
I also don't see what you would be earning her about? Their friendship (or affair) has gone on longer than a lot of marriages so I would assume she knows exactly what he's like.

Presumably the affair suits this woman.

There is nothing to warn her about.

She's hung around in her marriage for 15 years with him as her bit on the side, and vice versa.

If she wanted marriage with him, she'd have forced it along by now or left him.

’Normal’?! I was a SAHM for 12 years. I didn’t go meeting up with members of the opposite sex behind my dh back whilst he was working full time.

But lots of SAH parents DO meet up for coffee etc.

OP, you will be OK.
You have done the hardest bit….which was actually physically leaving and getting legal advice.
Now you just have to get that house sold and get help from a therapist to build back your self-esteem so that you can get yourself settled properly and looking forward.
He’s the loser not you.
Wishing you all the very best and well done for getting yourself away from his lies and manipulation. You have acted with courage and it can’t have been easy. But it will get better with time so don’t despair.

Did you leave because you found out or had you already gone?

It reads like you left because yoi didn’t like the area, couldn’t agree and hoped he would join you? If so, this ‘friendship’ is only part of the problem.

People have friends of the opposite sex but it is odd to keep a secret all those years. Either he thought you wouldn’t like it or there was more to it.

He does not have a hold on you that is an excuse, you are choosing to stay with him

Own that and leave or continue to live the way you do

@ukimmigrationsolicitors Sorry- but are you posting on behalf of a company and do you think the OP is an immigrant needing your advice?

She left already.

Get a solicitor. The man has a house and a life you knew nothing about. There's nothing to warn his friend about. You need to focus on yourself.

But she knew you existed if your husband met her at the school gates.

And unless you never went near your son's school, or his friends, she must have known you existed?

And as he's now 20, (your son) meeting other parents at the school gate stopped years ago.

So what you seem to be saying is your husband met her when he was late 40s, your son was 5, and they have had an affair for 15 years since then.

And you never suspected anything in all that time?