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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS hurt another child, so humiliated

288 replies

ToddlerIs2 · 08/11/2023 16:34

So there's a boy that annoys DS. Seems to revel in winding DS up just to before the point where he's actively naughty. Not an excuse, just context.

Today the child, C, did something annoying but not something that harmed DS - screwed up some paper on the table. DS thought he was going to throw it at him so DS pushed down on C's hand to make him drop the paper, hurting C.

Happened right at the end of school so DS was told off and sent to another classroom for the last half hour but no time to discuss punishment with SLT.

I just feel so humiliated that school will think he's a violent child who witnessed violence in the home and it just acting out his upbringing. This isn't the case.

I've told him he's looking at an internal exclusion (for deliberately putting hands on C to hurt him) and once I can talk to DH tomorrow a punishment at home. I've told him if this happens again he'll end up excluded permanently and he won't be able to see his friends. He hates the idea of being homeschooled. I've explained that being internally excluded could mean him missing photo day with his brothers in school and a cultural day. No pint grounding him, he doesn't go out without us, even Cubs he goes to with me. He's not allowed to play his game tonight or on YouTube later.

What punishment would you give and how the fuck is this my life and my child? I don't understand where we've gone wrong or how I'm meant to stop this given I don't know where I've messed up as a parent.

I'm so angry with him and me.

OP posts:
Skyisbluegrassisgreen · 08/11/2023 19:39

Omg the school and you have both massively over reacted he’s acted like a normal kid

azafata2 · 08/11/2023 19:53

Hi

I am a SENCO. Speak to the school and research this for yourself.

Zones of Regulation is a credited behavioural method of children expressing how they feel. It is colour coded and is really effective for impulsive behaviour and reactions to situations. It can be used for your other children as well.

It is a therapeutic intervention whereby it can deescalate potential conflict and be managed in a calm and productive way.

Use it at home to ask how he is feeling with a colour. Each colour has a list of emotions you may be feeling right at that time. Red for anger etc. As it deescalates to colour choice normally changes to a calmer state.

He can be given four of the cards (or colours in a planner) and can discreetly put the card colour on the desk to indicate how he is feeling. The school and the teacher would need to be informed of this and pastoral and behavioural care should ne very familiar with this method of modifying behaviour.

Normally a SPLT or a pastoral member of staff would work with the student to practice it and explain it. You can also do it at home.

Reward de-escalation with praise and acknowledgement of progress.

If supported this is very effective but the child needs to be taught what it means and how to implement it.

You are absolutely doing a great job as mum. Just learn some strategies to support your kids development. Please ask if the school have this or a referral can be made. I am sure it will benefit many kids in the school not just you son.

Hope that helps and stop being so hard on yourself.

I am 61 and still learning.

azafata2 · 08/11/2023 20:01

Just to add. You can even use the colours to tell the kids how you feel when they know how to use it and your husband too!🙂

Badgrief · 08/11/2023 20:05

ToddlerIs2 · 08/11/2023 18:32

Yes but it's mild, recently diagnosed, and it's always pointed out on here that autism isn't an excuse for poor behaviour.

Show quote history

Autism isn't an excuse but it does mean people learn differently. I don't have experience, sorry, but it's obvious that your son isn't retaining the lessons you're trying to teach him. Would role-playing possible situations help him? Or would he not be able to transfer ignoring the "pretending to wee" to ignoring "scrunching up paper"?

You're trying really hard and he doesn't seem an awful child but maybe a more physical outlet/activity would benefit him.

Original poster
ToddlerIs2 · 08/11/2023 20:07

EvilElsa · 08/11/2023 18:39

Where are you getting all this from OP? School are not going to report you for being a danger to your kids! Where did you get that from? You've got yourself in a right pickle.
As a mum of a DS with autism please don't discount his recent diagnosis in regards to his behaviour. It puts a different spin on things and school should be helping with making adjustments for him -including separation from this other child.

I was responding to the poster who said I'd be raising red flags if DS was in her school

OP posts:
Isometimeswonder · 08/11/2023 20:12

ToddlerIs2 · 08/11/2023 18:11

DS is fine thanks. He's had a night off his favourite game. O get you think I'm a shit Mom but he's hardly on need of rescuing from my clutches.

Show quote history

I think the pp is commenting that they are worried about you and your terminology. Saying they'd be better off without you. I have to agree, you seem like you need to talk to someone IRL.

azafata2 · 08/11/2023 20:14

Did you read my post ? This is so manageable for you both.

AnneValentine · 08/11/2023 20:16

There is no such thing as mildly autistic.

Are you autistic?

Original poster
ToddlerIs2 · 08/11/2023 20:16

Thegoodbadandugly · 08/11/2023 18:57

Why have you got a lock on the outside of your child's bedroom door? I find that very worrying.

Oh god I can see why that sounds like we lock them all away in there!!

Nothing like that.

The twins can get in, he gets very upset when they touch his stuff and break it, so he has a lock he can put on to lock his door from them when he's not in there. Yes obv my job is to make sure they don't go in there but it happens. This was to give him some sense of control when he was out at school / clubs etc.

OP posts:
NalafromtheLionKing · 08/11/2023 20:18

Have only read the original OP but what an overreaction! Humiliation and exclusion?

I wouldn’t even bother punishing this in the circumstances.

Ontheperiphery79 · 08/11/2023 20:18

Get and stop punishing your poor child for things that happen at school.

It was a minor incident.

Original poster
ToddlerIs2 · 08/11/2023 20:18

AnneValentine · 08/11/2023 20:16

There is no such thing as mildly autistic.

Are you autistic?

It's a spectrum. He's on the end of it. She said atypical autism which Google suggests is mild because it doesn't require all the symptoms of autism. It hasn't been picked up until recently (we assumed ADHD) and school were loathe to refer.

OP posts:
Original poster
ToddlerIs2 · 08/11/2023 20:20

GotNewHair · 08/11/2023 19:24

OP in the nicest way you need to stop worrying about what people think. Just worry about modelling calm behaviour and loving your boy. There are many children who are much more violent with no triggers other than their personality or ASD. My child hit, gouged and pushed his way through primary but he was a lovely boy who was highly sensitive. Me shouting or punishing wasn’t going to help him be less reactive but modelling, exploring feelings and him growing up made a huge difference. We left school punishments at school and our follow up was never to double up punishments. He is a wonderful grown up now and we have a good relationship. Have confidence in the long term and ask school why it has failed to act to separate him from a student he finds pushes him easily into sensory overload. They are the people you should feel angry towards as this was very avoidable.

I do love him but thanks for making it clear he seems like he isn't.

OP posts:
Gerrataere · 08/11/2023 20:22

ToddlerIs2 · 08/11/2023 20:18

It's a spectrum. He's on the end of it. She said atypical autism which Google suggests is mild because it doesn't require all the symptoms of autism. It hasn't been picked up until recently (we assumed ADHD) and school were loathe to refer.

Show quote history

That’s not how autism works. Your information is outdated I’m afraid. Autism is autism. ‘Mild’ autism is simply an educational measurement, of how well a child can cope with academic necessities. Beyond school this becomes somewhat irrelevant, many autistic people who were considered ‘mildly autistic’ struggle more as they get older because their autism is dismissed in such a way - though obviously those with greater delays in every area require higher care levels.

Original poster
ToddlerIs2 · 08/11/2023 20:23

Goinggreymammy · 08/11/2023 19:31

Hi OP. Definitely autism isn't an excuse for bad behaviour, but you can't discount the role its playing here. The "mild/moderate/severe" descriptors for autism are misleading..... my son has ASD and I was initially told it was mild, what it really meant was high functioning- he doesn't have an accompanying learning disorder. But is definitely affects his interactions with other children and adults massively. So mild in some areas but huge in others.
One thing ive learned over the past year is that explaining possible escalated consequences to my son (also 8) such as ... "if you this again xyz might happen", actually makes his reactions much worse, in the now and subsequent events where he breaks a rule/hurts someone etc. It made him more likely to do the same again. So I focus now on just what happened this time, what he should have done (briefly... once) and implement a consequence previously made known to him (for eg in our house if you hit someone you need to go to your room to be by yourself and keep others safe for at least 30 mins.... or -if they can't settle down -for the rest of the evening etc). But then just move on without further recriminations and allowing it to impact the next day etc.
My son is also very physical with his younger sister. I have to use a lot of separation and distraction at home all the time. It's exhausting.
Play Therapy has helped him a lot with acknowledging his emotions and beginning to regulate. And his class do Zones of Regulation in school which is also helping.

I know the awful sinking feeling you gave when your child has hurt someone and you feel it's because you haven't taught him properly not to..... but it's not that. Its that he hasn't learned properly yet. He will. A teacher in class teaches every child phonics but some struggle to read until a few years nd with extra help. That's not the teacher's fault - or the child's fault. It just is. He will learn, and should get extra help to manage his emotions. The school should support him in managing his interactions with the boy who annoys him by not having them seated in close proximity.

Take a breath. Think of all the positive things your son did today, this week, this month. You haven't messed up. If anyone thinks so...
Well.... let them walk in your shoes as the saying goes. Head high - you are bith doing your best. Xxx
From a mammy who has cried herself to sleep countless times over my son's antics.

Show quote history

Thank you X

OP posts:
Original poster
ToddlerIs2 · 08/11/2023 20:25

azafata2 · 08/11/2023 19:53

Hi

I am a SENCO. Speak to the school and research this for yourself.

Zones of Regulation is a credited behavioural method of children expressing how they feel. It is colour coded and is really effective for impulsive behaviour and reactions to situations. It can be used for your other children as well.

It is a therapeutic intervention whereby it can deescalate potential conflict and be managed in a calm and productive way.

Use it at home to ask how he is feeling with a colour. Each colour has a list of emotions you may be feeling right at that time. Red for anger etc. As it deescalates to colour choice normally changes to a calmer state.

He can be given four of the cards (or colours in a planner) and can discreetly put the card colour on the desk to indicate how he is feeling. The school and the teacher would need to be informed of this and pastoral and behavioural care should ne very familiar with this method of modifying behaviour.

Normally a SPLT or a pastoral member of staff would work with the student to practice it and explain it. You can also do it at home.

Reward de-escalation with praise and acknowledgement of progress.

If supported this is very effective but the child needs to be taught what it means and how to implement it.

You are absolutely doing a great job as mum. Just learn some strategies to support your kids development. Please ask if the school have this or a referral can be made. I am sure it will benefit many kids in the school not just you son.

Hope that helps and stop being so hard on yourself.

I am 61 and still learning.

Thank you X

OP posts:
surreygirl1987 · 08/11/2023 20:33

What punishment would you give and how the fuck is this my life and my child? I don't understand where we've gone wrong or how I'm meant to stop this given I don't know where I've messed up as a parent.

You are being ridiculous. I have a little boy who has been hitting other kids at school. I am trying EVERYTHING to help. Are you saying I've 'gone wrong'? Are you saying I've 'messed up as a parent'?! Yes this IS 'the fuck my life and my child'. And I love him and am doing everything I can. So just grow up.

TwoDozenWomen · 08/11/2023 20:34

Why is the child who is being subjected to goading the one being punished?

QueenofTerrasen · 08/11/2023 20:35

He isn't "mildly" autistic. There's no such thing. Please stop sniping at peoples reply's who are trying to help you. You really do need to educate yourself on autism and support your son.
There are so many helpful comments on this thread, use them.

AnneValentine · 08/11/2023 20:36

ToddlerIs2 · 08/11/2023 20:18

It's a spectrum. He's on the end of it. She said atypical autism which Google suggests is mild because it doesn't require all the symptoms of autism. It hasn't been picked up until recently (we assumed ADHD) and school were loathe to refer.

Show quote history

The spectrum is not linear. You’ve misunderstood.

Are you autistic?

surreygirl1987 · 08/11/2023 20:37

Please stop sniping at peoples reply's who are trying to help you.

Yep.

UnwellANDannoyed · 08/11/2023 20:51

I’ve never heard of “ atypical “ autism used in the UK - OP are you in the US?

Anyway, massive overreacting going on here and you do need to calm down as he will likely do much worse than this in his life and your reaction cannot be this extreme or he won’t trust in you to help him through things

TheShellBeach · 08/11/2023 21:01

ToddlerIs2 · 08/11/2023 20:20

I do love him but thanks for making it clear he seems like he isn't.

Show quote history

The poster said nothing of the kind.

And there's no such thing as mild autism or atypical autism.

CloudsNeverStayTheyAlwaysGoAway · 08/11/2023 21:08

Hope the other kid was severely reprimanded too.

Original poster
ToddlerIs2 · 08/11/2023 21:20

TheShellBeach · 08/11/2023 21:01

The poster said nothing of the kind.

And there's no such thing as mild autism or atypical autism.

Show quote history

She told me to love him, as if I'm incapable of doing that without being told to.

DS hurt another child, so humiliated
OP posts:
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