DS hurt another child, so humiliated

[ToddlerIs2]

So there's a boy that annoys DS. Seems to revel in winding DS up just to before the point where he's actively naughty. Not an excuse, just context.

Today the child, C, did something annoying but not something that harmed DS - screwed up some paper on the table. DS thought he was going to throw it at him so DS pushed down on C's hand to make him drop the paper, hurting C.

Happened right at the end of school so DS was told off and sent to another classroom for the last half hour but no time to discuss punishment with SLT.

I just feel so humiliated that school will think he's a violent child who witnessed violence in the home and it just acting out his upbringing. This isn't the case.

I've told him he's looking at an internal exclusion (for deliberately putting hands on C to hurt him) and once I can talk to DH tomorrow a punishment at home. I've told him if this happens again he'll end up excluded permanently and he won't be able to see his friends. He hates the idea of being homeschooled. I've explained that being internally excluded could mean him missing photo day with his brothers in school and a cultural day. No pint grounding him, he doesn't go out without us, even Cubs he goes to with me. He's not allowed to play his game tonight or on YouTube later.

What punishment would you give and how the fuck is this my life and my child? I don't understand where we've gone wrong or how I'm meant to stop this given I don't know where I've messed up as a parent.

I'm so angry with him and me.

Or at least, they are outmoded terms.

And no, to the many people who've asked, I'm not autistic, just a useless Mom.

And yes UK.

I can't find the paperwork to prove to the people who thinking I'm lying but that's what the Dr said. That she was satisfied he had autism, atypical . NHS doctor.

As TheShellBeach said I did not suggest that you didn’t love your child nor did I tell you to do so - I suggested that you ditch the many worries you have expressed and just limit your worries to a couple of key areas. I did this because you have expressed many different worries - I also shared tales of my child and his violence with an emphasis on how he outgrew these much more extreme behaviours as a way of showing some of the hope you seems in some posts to be without. I also suggested your school is not helping your meet your child’s SEN needs which is something you may well, like many other parents for SEN children, have to follow up.

I really wouldn’t want you to think that I thought you didn’t love your child and I am sorry if my post was clumsily worded but I would encourage you to connect to ways that help you feel more at ease with what is a very normal part of year 4 life for children with and without SEN needs.

OP the term "atypical autism" is no longer used, so your doctor is not up-to-date.

Definitely don’t punish at home. Let school deal with it. Also an internal exclusion sounds quite ott! You need to take a breath and remember that this kid winds your son up on purpose and your dc snapped. Might not be such a disproportionate reaction when you add it all up.

I think that maybe learning more about autism would help. Are there any support groups you can go to? Autism isn't a linear spectrum with severe at one end and mild at the other.

https://www.google.com/search?client=ms-android-motorola-rev2&sca_esv=580610545&sxsrf=AM9HkKlZlqAUO57q43KIb8U6yiJbYlXtYw:1699479874435&q=autistic+spectrum&tbm=isch&source=lnms&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjyyt_xr7WCAxWaQ0EAHYG2CyAQ0pQJegQICBAB&biw=412&bih=771&dpr=1.75#imgrc=BrY1_0FZ8Q-CHM&imgdii=IuoKMywdyaHMZM

So I guess he doesn't really have autism then, glad we've cleared that up.

It is like a wheel.

The first paediatrician that saw my eldest three years ago drew a line on a paper and said ‘if your son is autistic he’s here (top of the line), so it’s not something to worry too much about’. Having another child who has ASD with global delays (so more ‘typically autistic’ if using the op’s understanding) showed me how much bs this is. There are many things my ‘severely’ autistic child can manage that the other can’t, it just happens that the eldest is fully verbal and academically able. Even in recent times there are some doctors who are absolutely out of touch when looking at diagnosing ASD, or still seem to think that Asperger’s is still a ‘thing’ in some form. Both my children were eventually diagnosed recently, both their diagnosis letters are exactly the same - just stating that they are autistic. No ‘atypical’ or ‘level of severity’. Both are simply autistic despite presenting differently.

The doctor may have said Atypical ASD but it’s still a completely invalid term.

So I guess he doesn't really have autism then, glad we've cleared that up.

Nobody said that.

You've had lots of support & advice on this thread (as well as some blunt posts, I know).

Why are you being so snippy to people?

You've ignored all of us who expressed concern about the way you are speaking about yourself. I'm now not sure if you meant this or if you were being sarcastic?

Thank you. Sorry for snapping.

I didn't say that.
I said that the term used by whoever diagnosed your son is outmoded, not that your son isn't autistic.

You sound so angry.

Well I'm being told my doctor is talking nonsense, that the diagnosis we've been given doesn't exist, that I must have autism, that I'm damaging him.

No one said that.

Only at me.

Your son is autistic. Just not Atypical. He’s as autistic as any other autistic person in the world, no more or less. With all due respect, please don’t be ‘that parent’ who tries to make out that ‘oh he’s autistic but not in a ‘bad’ way’’. Those whose present with lower needs end up with higher likelihood of having mental health issues or behaviour problems simply because their ASD is undermined by the fact that people around them say they must have the ‘mild type’ and therefore should cope as close to ‘normal’ as any person.

Well, I can't see any posts which suggest you're damaging your son.
I (and other people) have pointed out that your doctor has used an obsolete term when he gave your son his diagnosis. We haven't said that your son is not autistic.

A few people have speculated that you yourself may be autistic, given that you have an autistic child, and given your tendency to catastrophise. It's not an accusation, merely an observation.

Please don't be angry at yourself. I don't think you have done anything to deserve that.

Well I'm being told my doctor is talking nonsense, that the diagnosis we've been given doesn't exist, that I must have autism, that I'm damaging him.

But no-one said that he doesn't have autism (which was your snappy reply in your previous post). They said the terminology was outdated and perhaps misplaced or misused.

No one either says you are damaging him, just that your hyper anxiety isn't helpful to him.

You haven't addressed the point at all about saying repeatedly how 'shit' you are. Do you really think this? Or were you just saying it for effect?

(Fwiw I don't think you are - as I said earlier, you're clearly a caring mum)

Please don't be angry at yourself. I don't think you have done anything to deserve that.

I agree.

But you are being quite angry to posters trying to offer help.

Trying not to jump on the overreaction band wagon, but, kindly, please step back and breathe. How is this your life? I’m sure there’s more going on here. Just be kind to yourself and your boy

Yes. Clearly. He's lashing out because I've handled this wrong. The three of them constantly fight and don't stop when I tell them or do as they're told. After I got away from the yr4 teacher the nursery teacher had to have a word as bout the 3 yo not sharing or using his voice properly. Then they screamed half the way home over who got to hold who's hand and wanting to run free and not being allowed like they do every day because - you guessed it - they have a shit Mom. So yes.

It's a shame you invariably come back to this conclusion.

It sounds like you're worn out and very worried.

Having three very young children is hard work. Do they sleep at night?

Are you a single parent?

they have a shit Mom. So yes.

No they don't. Kindly, you've been reassured about this several times.

No-one's saying that DC don't have challenging behaviour that needs to be addressed - I've 3 DC too, including 2 boys & I've done my fair share of crying over the years about fighting / rows etc.

I certainly have shit days, make poor choices & am a less than wonderful mother on occasion. But I'm not a shit mum.

Neither are you.

But you are not going to be able to think logically if you keep telling yourself you are, leading to massive catastrophising like today, and that is unfair & upsetting to DS.

I'd suggest bed & sleep now - tomorrow's another day as I often tell myself too!