DS hurt another child, so humiliated

[ToddlerIs2]

So there's a boy that annoys DS. Seems to revel in winding DS up just to before the point where he's actively naughty. Not an excuse, just context.

Today the child, C, did something annoying but not something that harmed DS - screwed up some paper on the table. DS thought he was going to throw it at him so DS pushed down on C's hand to make him drop the paper, hurting C.

Happened right at the end of school so DS was told off and sent to another classroom for the last half hour but no time to discuss punishment with SLT.

I just feel so humiliated that school will think he's a violent child who witnessed violence in the home and it just acting out his upbringing. This isn't the case.

I've told him he's looking at an internal exclusion (for deliberately putting hands on C to hurt him) and once I can talk to DH tomorrow a punishment at home. I've told him if this happens again he'll end up excluded permanently and he won't be able to see his friends. He hates the idea of being homeschooled. I've explained that being internally excluded could mean him missing photo day with his brothers in school and a cultural day. No pint grounding him, he doesn't go out without us, even Cubs he goes to with me. He's not allowed to play his game tonight or on YouTube later.

What punishment would you give and how the fuck is this my life and my child? I don't understand where we've gone wrong or how I'm meant to stop this given I don't know where I've messed up as a parent.

I'm so angry with him and me.

Yes but it's mild, recently diagnosed, and it's always pointed out on here that autism isn't an excuse for poor behaviour.

This! Stop over reacting! This is normal children stuff. Don't teach your son it isn't, or he'll struggle to cope when he's a parent and his child does it.

With respect - you need to massively calm down and stop telling your son loads of dramatic crap about what will happen like exclusions and home schooling and missing photo day with his brothers etc…

You are acting hysterical over something that the school have already handled and punished him for.

“Acting out his upbringing “ 😂OP you need to reframe what happened. You will probably have a lot more to deal with than this in the teenage years. School have punished him already , no need for you to keep on . If you want him to deal with situations , such as the other boy being annoying , you need to model appropriate behaviour yourself.

It was a cut inside so we couldn't assess how deep it was. School advised getting it checked over as he'd landed with force and they'd seen the blood. It wasn't me over reacting, hospital checked and immediately discharged but we were a few mm away from having to have it dealt with so they didn't think it was silly taking him in.

STOP IT!

STOP DIALLING EVERYTHING UP TO MAXIMUM!

Switch your phone off for a bit. Walk down the road and back. Round the block. Ring a mate for a natter. Just do something ANYTHING to stop this hole you're adamant to dig yourself. You really do need professional help with the way you react. I'm not sure whether you're enjoying being a drama queen or you really believe what you're saying but please, get help and support.

You are blaming your child for your feelings.

Your feelings are your own to manage and you are meant to be role modelling how to stay in control when you are cross.

Where are you getting all this from OP? School are not going to report you for being a danger to your kids! Where did you get that from? You've got yourself in a right pickle.
As a mum of a DS with autism please don't discount his recent diagnosis in regards to his behaviour. It puts a different spin on things and school should be helping with making adjustments for him -including separation from this other child.

So it’s ok for other child to mentally be abusive… wind your child up etc, but not for your child to retaliate??? I get ds did it physically, but it’s not like he hit him, he restrained him.

bad behaviour is bad behaviour, either physical or mentally. so imo the other kid is just smarter at being badly behaved (because he knows school punish physical bad behaviour). on this occasion it didn’t work out for other kid … maybe he won’t do it again… well to your child anyway

This is an opportunity to talk to school about the other boy. Imagine spending hours with someone who tries to purposefully wind you up every day. Of course what your son did wasn't right but see it as a learning opportunity. Show him through your actions that you will stick up for him and tell the school to split them up. And keep the punishment up for your DS too.

You're not a shit mum, you wouldn't care if you were!

As a side note, my little boy has got a lot calmer after doing karate lessons, could something like this work? Getting out that anger in a healthy way!

So you keep punishing your child and it doesn't work? That's your answer. Stop punishing your child. Try a different approach, this isn't working.

Of course not, but it is far from black and white and learning about how to manage behaviour and more specifically how to interact with others can be different with ND children. That's why he won't talk to the teacher. It's why he gets frustrated with this other child in the first place and overreacts when the other children do not. It's why you keep telling him not to behave in a certain way and he seems to be ignoring you- so you feel like you're a bad parent. If there hasn't been any offer of advice from school or your GP etc I'd definitely look for what support is available out there and look online for support groups etc. You and your DS need to learn what autism means for you and how to manage it by finding out what DS finds hard and working out how to help him.

Good lord your poor kid, give him a break, why are you telling him he will be excluded? You have gone way over the top it's not like he thumped anyone, he's had more than enough punishment from you, you could end up scaring him and him not wanting to go to school.

You're gonna end up having a breakdown if you don't relax a little. It all sounds like normal kids stuff to me. I'm a Mum of 3, I get its very stressful and sometimes you feel like bashing you're own head off a wall but you really need to calm down. Its very normal for kids to hit out etc. My 3 are always bickering and pushing and shoving. They get a short, sharp 'pack it in' and then ipad removal if it continues.

As for school, its not even worth the paperwork for them to exclude over such a minor issue. This will happen with all of your children at various points over their time at school. Just Saturday my 11yo illegally tackled a kid on the football pitch because the player was annoying him and got sin binned. We had a chat about keeping our temper and that was that.

Are you also autistic, OP?
Because you're really catastrophising on this thread, and that is a feature of my own (and many other people's) autism.

As you have an autistic child you yourself may also be autistic.

It’s not an excuse for poor behaviour but it the reason why what seem like petty insignificant annoyances affect him disproportionately & why he needs more reinforcement than other children to use their voice & speak up when he gets upset & needs to learn to recognise his feelings.

tbh sounds like something and nothing of an incident, but hands to yourself could be worth focussing on in general at home & at school.

Why have you got a lock on the outside of your child's bedroom door? I find that very worrying.

I was just going to ask this too. I think it's incredibly likely.

I wouldn't punish him......I'd ask school what they're going to do about the fact my ds has been targeted so often he's constantly on guard and wary about the annoying little brats actions.

He's a kid, he can't be expected to get things right all the time. And he shouldn't have to deal with being targeted by this child. That isn't his responsibility.

He's autistic?

Then he needs to learn coping mechanisms when he feels overwhelmed or irritated by what might seem like low level annoyances. You don't learn healthy coping mechanisms by being punished.

Wow calm down.

OP in the nicest way you need to stop worrying about what people think. Just worry about modelling calm behaviour and loving your boy. There are many children who are much more violent with no triggers other than their personality or ASD. My child hit, gouged and pushed his way through primary but he was a lovely boy who was highly sensitive. Me shouting or punishing wasn’t going to help him be less reactive but modelling, exploring feelings and him growing up made a huge difference. We left school punishments at school and our follow up was never to double up punishments. He is a wonderful grown up now and we have a good relationship. Have confidence in the long term and ask school why it has failed to act to separate him from a student he finds pushes him easily into sensory overload. They are the people you should feel angry towards as this was very avoidable.

Hi OP. Definitely autism isn't an excuse for bad behaviour, but you can't discount the role its playing here. The "mild/moderate/severe" descriptors for autism are misleading..... my son has ASD and I was initially told it was mild, what it really meant was high functioning- he doesn't have an accompanying learning disorder. But is definitely affects his interactions with other children and adults massively. So mild in some areas but huge in others.
One thing ive learned over the past year is that explaining possible escalated consequences to my son (also 8) such as ... "if you this again xyz might happen", actually makes his reactions much worse, in the now and subsequent events where he breaks a rule/hurts someone etc. It made him more likely to do the same again. So I focus now on just what happened this time, what he should have done (briefly... once) and implement a consequence previously made known to him (for eg in our house if you hit someone you need to go to your room to be by yourself and keep others safe for at least 30 mins.... or -if they can't settle down -for the rest of the evening etc). But then just move on without further recriminations and allowing it to impact the next day etc.
My son is also very physical with his younger sister. I have to use a lot of separation and distraction at home all the time. It's exhausting.
Play Therapy has helped him a lot with acknowledging his emotions and beginning to regulate. And his class do Zones of Regulation in school which is also helping.

I know the awful sinking feeling you gave when your child has hurt someone and you feel it's because you haven't taught him properly not to..... but it's not that. Its that he hasn't learned properly yet. He will. A teacher in class teaches every child phonics but some struggle to read until a few years nd with extra help. That's not the teacher's fault - or the child's fault. It just is. He will learn, and should get extra help to manage his emotions. The school should support him in managing his interactions with the boy who annoys him by not having them seated in close proximity.

Take a breath. Think of all the positive things your son did today, this week, this month. You haven't messed up. If anyone thinks so...
Well.... let them walk in your shoes as the saying goes. Head high - you are bith doing your best. Xxx
From a mammy who has cried herself to sleep countless times over my son's antics.

You need to stop the pity party you have yourself in right now, all this shit Mum talk is just utter tosh and not helpful.

Your son lashed out, he's 8. It happens. Is it good....no..Is it an unforgivable crime that will follow him through his school life......also no.

School will deal with it, he'll move past it. You've spoken to him, job done!!! Stop trying to make out like he's now on the path to be a violent yob, he's not.