If you are autistic do people often not answer the question you are asking but give a more generalised answer?

[Hotandsunny]

Just a thought that came to mind. I often find when I ask people questions about something very specific they don't seem to get it and just give you a general answer. I don't know what it is. But I have oftenish been in a situation where people just don't seem to understand what you are asking. So I was wondering if it was an autistic thing.

The example from today was I was doing a school appeal and the school had sent a list of rooms and room sizes as evidence that the school was full. I tried to question the school about what the different rooms were used for, about class sizes and what rooms the 6th form used. All the deputy head could do was repeat that Y7 was full.

I say you haven't answered my question and ask again and get the same reply. A member of the panel says to me I just don't like the reply I'm getting. I don't, because it doesn't answer my question.

This isn't an isolated incident by a long shot.

Yes, as I said up thread I've often been told on here I mean all sorts of things when that wasn't what I wrote. I literally mean what I write!

😂 I honestly must go through this exact conversation at least one a week- he is bloody obsessed with pizza!

⬆️

This, all day long.

A typical example in our house:

Me: what time do you think you'll be back?

DH: hang on a minute, we talked about this and I said I'd be out late and you said it was fine

Me: yes it is fine, I was just wondering what time you'll be back

DH: haha well it won't be any time soon, I haven't even left yet hahaha

Me: hm ok so what time do you reckon then

DH: well I've got to drive there and then do the thing and then get back haven't I?

Me: yes, so any idea what time you might be back?

DH: don't worry I'll go straight there and back, no popping into the pub hahaha

Me: ok, so what time then

DH: well it will be lateish I think

Me: WILL YOU PLEASE USE A NUMBER

DH: oh sorry, probably around 10. I'll text if it's going to be after 11

Me: ok thanks
[goes for a lie down]

@Hughs Yeesh, that sounds so frustrating.

It makes us laugh now that we understand it but over the years we have had a lot of rows over him reacting to something he has wrongly inferred.

I'm autistic and we think he has ADHD, so very different styles of communication. He interrupts and goes off at tangents all the time which I find very discombobulating.
My diagnosis made all the difference though, we understand it better now and are a lot more tolerant of each other.

@Hughs Samesies here. I'm Autistic and husband is ADHD. I'm the one who interrupts in our house though he does go off on wild tangents haha.

Yes in reality that thing I wrote would have been twice as long, with random fascinating interruptions like "do you think this kettle takes ages to boil" and "did I ever tell you about when I wanted to learn the trombone in school and they wouldn't let me" (yes) and "I just can't decide who the best boxer of all time is, what do you think?" etc etc etc

YY I think NT people can see the "But what about...?" questions as being seeking a loophole, or trying to find a way around or catch you out, seeking a chink in the armour they can prise open, or trying to "win" or defeat the other person.

But from a ND perspective it's really not meant to be that combative. Actually it's trying to find a win-win solution, or problem solve. In theory this is a good characteristic, in practice (having been on the receiving end of it too) it is often received as "can't accept a no". I wonder if this is also related to NT politeness rules.

(BTW at today's check up for DS2 I was told there are some clear pointers towards ASD and I am so relieved that it is not just me who sees this.)

Someone asked for examples of DS2's questions that I don't understand. There was only one today and I did understand it. We were waiting for the bus and I said "It should be here in three minutes" and he asked "Why?" and my initial reaction was "What do you mean???" but then I stopped and said "Because the time now is 8:01 and the bus is supposed to arrive at 804, and that is three minutes." and he said "Ah!"

Some others that he asks fairly frequently which I don't undertsand how to answer:

Why does the number 3 bus come here?
Why does the number 4 tram go to <destination>?

And another one which comes up fairly frequently: I often make "Mhm" or "Awesome" responses to things that he is saying, when I'm not really interested but I want to show that I'm being polite and listening. He gets very angry about this and insists "That is not nice to say!!"

I think I understand that what he means is that he can tell this is a dismissive, "That's nice dear" sort of response and he doesn't want me to respond that way, but I am also not always enthusiastically interested in what he is saying. I can't say nothing (which is what he says that he wants me to do) because he gets angry and repeats what he wants to say until I respond. Should I literally say "I'm not very interested in that"? This seems so dismissive to a 5 year old. But maybe that's what he wants.

Love this! ☺️

That's good about the check up!

Perhaps for why does the bus come here?
Because there is a plan for the city where different buses go on different routes so people can get everywhere they need to go. The plan says the no 3 has to come down this road.

OK, I'll try that, thanks :)

I don't think anyone has said its wrong but there are many forms of communication, not just verbal and often its these cues that are missed.
Another issue is boundaries.
Repeating a question on and on is a form of boundary crossing.
People have the right to give any answer they like, you don't get to control what other people say or to force them to answer in a way you control.

Wrong quote!
It was to the Op

I have a friend who has the opposite problem as he gets the answer to the question he asked, but not the information he was angling for.

So he’ll ask his wife “Do you know where my shoes are?”

and she replies

”Yes”.

Of course what he’s actually asking is where his shoes are, assuming she knows…

I know that- I was saying that if someone can’t/doesn’t want to/doesn’t think it’s appropriate to answer a particular question, then the obvious thing to do is say exactly that.

If they ignore the question/ give a vague non answer/ answer a question that hasn’t been asked instead of the one that has then people will ask again or try and ask in a different way in case they haven’t understood the question.

As I said above I replied to you in error
It was to the Op

when my son is rabbiting on about boring things I try and find one element I can make a genuine comment on- like I think the sniffers in Minecraft are very cute.

Failing that I say I’m very glad you have something you find really interesting, you seem to really enjoy doing/talking about it, but I’m afraid I don’t really enjoy it.

Seems less dismissive but is also honest. He just rolls his eyes now and goes and tells someone else!

He has severe adhd as well as autism and is really affected by Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria so it’s a difficult path to tread.

Sorry I missed that!

The rules for an appeal are that a school must provide the parents/panel with the information they require for the appeal. By deliberately not answering you are going out of your way to jeopardize an appeal. It's not very fair and you're on potentially shaking ground by deliberately doing it. It seems much more controlling to me to deliberately withhold information. Not sure how I'm being controlling by asking a question and simply expecting a truthful reply. How on earth do you go about life asking people questions that they have a 'right' to not answer or lie.

I mean it's like me asking my DC '
what would you like for dinner?'
'I refuse to answer!'
'sausages or chicken?'
'fish'
'we don't have fish. Would you like sausages or chicken?'
'how dare you try and control me by getting me to reply in a way that suits you?!'
'well, it's just so I know if you'd like sausages or chicken?'
'you are seriously crossing boundaries by asking me that again!'

That must be an exhausting life!

But it still stands. Why not just say if you can't/won't answer? Why not just make it so everyone is clear what is happening?

😂😂😂😂

GAAAAAAHHH same!!

That must be an exhausting life!

Well it would be if it ever happened but it doesn't.

If my DC cba to answer they would get what they were given

Put it in a different context.
Persons A and B

"how much money have you got" A I wouldn't ask this in the first place.btw

"Plenty thanks "B
( avoids saying MYOB) most people would get the message and stop here.

"How much" Crossing boundary
" As I said, enough"
"HOW MUCH" Crossing boundary
Person B gets up and walks off.

You don't have the right to demand answers to any questions you choose to ask.

XDownwiththissortofthingX you sound intolerant pedantic and rude.