If you are autistic do people often not answer the question you are asking but give a more generalised answer?

[Hotandsunny]

Just a thought that came to mind. I often find when I ask people questions about something very specific they don't seem to get it and just give you a general answer. I don't know what it is. But I have oftenish been in a situation where people just don't seem to understand what you are asking. So I was wondering if it was an autistic thing.

The example from today was I was doing a school appeal and the school had sent a list of rooms and room sizes as evidence that the school was full. I tried to question the school about what the different rooms were used for, about class sizes and what rooms the 6th form used. All the deputy head could do was repeat that Y7 was full.

I say you haven't answered my question and ask again and get the same reply. A member of the panel says to me I just don't like the reply I'm getting. I don't, because it doesn't answer my question.

This isn't an isolated incident by a long shot.

It really does feel like that. I often think but if I wanted to know for example if Y7 was full I would ask if Y7 was full. But if I ask if the 6th form use the communal areas within the main school then I want to know if the 6th form use the communal areas within the main school. It seems simple to me.

Exactly! Very straightforward. NTs seem to want to complicate it? It must constantly lead to misunderstandings even amongst themselves surely?

I would have answered your questions OP :-)

I'm glad you're enjoying it it is interesting. And you may well be a 'translator' and just what I needed at the appeal! Actually that would be amazing having an autism translator!! So many people have got so cross with me and told me I'm rude. I'm really not trying to be! It would be great for people to be aware of our different ways of communicating and that it might be different but it isn't wrong. I actually feel terrible if I realise people think I'm being rude.

And yes, please if you have any examples I'd love to hear them.

This.
There is absolutely no chance that your 'how many rooms...' questions are going to be anywhere near your final questions on the subject. It'll be an absolute can of worms with you questioning other aspects of timetabling and school building use- and planning all of this is insanely complicated. They don't have time to go through it with you, and it has no bearing on the issue at hand.

'Why send the list?': I'm sure that they are thoroughly regretting doing so! And if they answered your next question it'd be 'why tell me that if they won't tell me....?'
Because people have limits, and you've reached them.

Exactly... what seems like a simple question to you that is relevant, may be more complex to others and not relevant. It happens to everyone not just people who are neuro-atypical, just watch any interview with a politician!

I suspect the purpose of the appeal would have been to review any applications to make sure they hadn't overlooked anything and to be transparent about the selection process as appose to be discussing the running of the school. As someone who has worked with prioritising people, it is very challenging to be able to pitch the message that someone (or their loved one) doesn't qualify for the service. You know its personal to them, and everyone takes that news very differently.

However, it's awful when you are in a situation where you are just doing the best for your child, and it feels like it's unfair. It's reasonable to be angry about it, and if you have extra barriers, it is normal to think they are at fault when actually it's just the system didn't fall your way.

I didn't ask for 3 different types of information in one question. I asked something like 'do the 6th form use the main school communal areas?'.
To me a clear answer could be for example 'yes, they do although in addition they have a kettle/hot drink making area they use at break time.'
'our communal areas are very busy' to me does not answer the question clearly.

I tried to question the school about what the (1) different rooms were used for, (2) about class sizes and (3) what rooms the 6th form used.

I was about to say I'm a nurse and I would answer that question much more like you've suggested.

The thing with that that I don’t get, is why not just say it. So “do 6th form use communal areas?” Answer “I am not going to answer that question because of xyz”.

Then everyone knows where they stand and can act accordingly. No one gains anything from obfuscating and vagaries.

It is about setting expectations. When you work with people they grasp onto numbers as facts. Then if things don't conform to the expectation that they have been set with they respond with "well you told me that it would take x number of weeks." or they become anxious if they have been told that "normal" is a certain number of weeks.

So they refuse to answer a question because I might ask another one? What were they expecting at an appeal where the panel and parents ask questions of the school?

I find it interesting saying they don't have time...it would have probably saved about a third of the time if they'd answered the questions the first time. Obviously if certain information is needed for my case I'm going to keep asking til I get it. And so glad I did as now my DD has a place at the school. If I'd just said 'oh, no, it's fine, I'm sure your busy, don't worry about engaging with the appeal' then things would have been different.

Would you really go to an appeal for your child's school and really not fight with every ounce of your being? Because a teacher might be busy???

I think also in NT communication it's considered rude to say "I won't answer that question" - I don't really know why actually. So I think people try to come up with an answer they can give in order not to be rude but also not answer the question they don't want to answer.

And saying I can't answer or I don't know is seen as avoidant or even evidence that the person is incompetent or stupid, so again people generally try to avoid saying that and will instead either try to come up with an indirect way to answer the question so that they can give an answer, but also sometimes people just make stuff up! Which is really annoying if you find it out later, but most of the time people don't find out, so it stays as an uncorrected habit and people keep doing it all their lives.

The appeal is in 2 parts. Basically the first part is the school arguing they are full and the parent arguing they aren't and then the panel assessing whether they think it is full or not. It is weird because you would think it either is or it isn't but that's not how it works. Then the second bit is about your individual child.

It is very difficult but the bit I'm actually angry about is the whole process rather than the school.

Then they could be perceived by other individuals of withholding information or not engaging. You are only viewing this from your point of view not the point of view of the officials in the room who have to manage everyones expectations.

Also, you have to ask what 6th Form rooms have to do with Yr 7 applications. If someone was asking that, I would be seeking to move on as there might be some more relevent questions.

Yes, but that was 3 different questions, not one.

I think that is fair enough I know that school intake is rife with anxiety. I don't understand why you are being dragged into a LEA debate. Especially making you go through the process when it doesn't sound like it is productive for anyone.
Like you stated either they have room, or they haven't. That was what I think I was trying to get to it doesn't sound like an issue with you at all.

Maybe a teacher on here can explain?

So many NT people on this thread just refusing to accept ND people’s perspectives as valid… and yet we’re the ones with “poor theory of mind” 🙄 It just highlights how biased the world is to NT communication styles.. no wonder we’ve been labelled as socially deficit when no one can possibly consider if our viewpoints and experiences are valid.

Yes, that's the thing. I think by not clearing explaining why you don't want to answer or whatever and by instead saying something unrelated to the question makes me think you've not listened to the question/misheard it or don't understand it. So I'll keep repeating it.

Do they? I don’t think so. People become anxious if they don’t understand or know what to expect- giving a clear answer, including the fact that you can’t be absolutely exact because it varies from person to person, is the best way to put people’s mind at rest.

“4-6 weeks usually, but people do heal at different rates so I can’t tell you exactly. You don’t need to worry unless it’s yellow/pussy/still bleeding profusely after 8 weeks- in that situation ring this number and we will get you in”. Seems simple to me.

Im a social worker- I’ve had to explain all sorts of complicated procedures/legal waffle etc to people who are in a state- short sentences built for clarity are what works best.

Interesting, I'll have to look out for that.

I think there is also the issue of people not liking to admit they don’t know the answer- so they say vague nothingness in an effort not to loose face.

One thing I find really interesting that I didn't get my head around for ages and ages is that there is a fairly common, (I think), ND (maybe just ADHD?) sense of curiosity about why people do things differently, but in NT communication the same exactly worded question is a veiled insult.

So for example on MN every so often you get a thread that is something like "Why do people choose to go through natural childbirth?" or "Why do some people not try breastfeeding?"

To me I always took these at face value and assumed ok, here's someone being curious, they made a choice that was different and it seemed so obvious to them that they are curious about what might make somebody lean the other way. But a lot of MNers will react with anger towards these types of thread and want to shut them down as being goady. Because to them, the implicit, unwritten line is "Only stupid idiot people would want to go through childbirth pain. Give me your reasons, so I can mock and laugh at them and feel superior that I made a better choice!"

I thought they were being weirdly defensive about this for years, and then I started to realise that they're right in some cases, because threads like that do attract some handwringing about why those poor other people made that obviously terrible choice.

But I think it's a shame because I always find it really interesting to read about why and how people make decisions and come to conclusions especially when they're different to what I'd have come to.

This is one I've fallen foul of many times! Also when trying to show sympathy for someone in a bad situation - my natural response, as with many autistic people, is to relate using a similar experience I've had. I've learnt that NT people don't like that, so try to ask questions instead because I don't know what to say. Which is often a mistake because then I don't know how to follow up when they answer or think that I was using my question to make a point with subtext.

You remember I’m a teacher? Appeals interviews can be over several days and there has to be discussion. I’d say it’s rare to get a decision the same/next day.

Yeah people do do that, you’re right.

It isn’t just the inference that people take from questions which I find interesting, it’s the way they respond.

So, If asked, for example- did you sleep train? If so, Didn’t it upset you when your baby cried?

many people would get defensive and upset about their choice BUT some people would take the line of ‘both choices are valid, it depends what works for that family’.

I find that almost a vague way of thinking because in my head a) clearly I think my way of doing it is best- if I thought your way was better then I would have done that instead.
b) given that I think my way is the best way, I wouldn’t feel defensive if people thought the other way was better- I would think they were wrong (I accept people are allowed to do things the Wrong Way).