SIL keeping her baby away

[onlymeandmy]

My sil and bro got married a year ago, we had never met before they got married. She was ok then but since having the baby has been rude and distant and keeps my brother and her baby from my parents and the rest of us.
We have made a lot of effort for her but she is so ungrateful. My mother took 2 weeks off work to stay with her son and help dil for the birth, but she refused and told my brother to tell her that she doesn't want anyone there. My mother doesn't speak English so he has to translate everything for his wife, who doesn't speak out language. She made my mum stay with my sister who lives local to them and was made to feel guilty and unwelcome when she spent the days at her house. We then found out that her own mother was staying at their house. All we wanted was to help and spend time with her new grandchild. My mum went cooked and cleaned and bought kitchen appliances but she was just so ungrateful. My sister was going around in the evenings after the baby was born and she was just so rude and could tell she didn't want anyone, but her own mother to hold the baby. I'm sure she was a bit irritable after surgery, but has been 3 months now and still not letting us have access to the baby.
She takes the baby to her mum and dad and sister all the time, but we are made to feel like we can't go around to my brothers house. We still do, but we are clearly not welcome. She has only attended once with the baby to my mum and dad so they have barely seen their grandchild. All whilst her family see the baby at least once a week.
Her family have lots of grandchildren and mine only have this one so she is being so selfish by withholding him. How can we build a relationship if we aren't allowed to see him.
She is pulling my brother away from his family and being selfish with my nephew.
AIBU?
What can we do to get her to see what's she's doing?

Like bollocks she did.

She said no thanks. And she got harassed and pestered for that.

Now she's being vilified by the OP for not accepting the MIL's cultural beliefs and for upsetting her as a result.

The OP is a flying monkey for a narc mother who thinks the world should revolve about her wishes.

Nope and nope.

Your analogy is ridiculous.
Yes, the MIL wrongly assumed that SIL would be accepting of her to stay with them. This seems like a cultural misunderstanding. She probs thought she was being supportive, wanted to help clean and cook etc. My point is, after learning she wasn’t welcome to stay overnight, it’s rude to not even let her be welcome for a day visit!

Nowhere does it imply in the post that SIL was “pestered and harassed.” How can we just assume that?

It’s absolutely not when you are postnatal, tired, unwell and not in a people mood

The only rude person is the person who thinks they can barge into a space of a woman they barely know and can’t communicate with by virtue of being related to her husband.

Nowhere does it imply in the post that SIL was “pestered and harassed.” How can we just assume that?

well, there was the piece about coming over and depositing kitchen appliances she had purchased for SIL. I’m pretty much betting there had been no agreement/discussion on this, about whether they were wanted or exactly what SIL would have wanted if she did even want them. I would feel pestered and harassed if someone did this to me.

@onlymeandmy do you see now that asking and respecting is the quickest way you are going to be able to spend time with the baby? I hope you have taken the advice in good spirits and will proceed on that basis rather than creating a situation with SIL and DB that will be irreversible. Be patient and I am sure you will get to spend time with baby soon

How can a child have a prior connection to her grandparent if the child was not allowed to see her grandparent. Makes sense really….it’s been said MANY times - the law’s an ass!

I obviously didn’t mean EVERYONE is a millenial, you don’t need to take everything SO literally simply cos you can’t wait to put me (LOL) in my place. I’m still appalled at how many ppl took the SIL’s side. Where is your empathy? not to mention your English politeness (though many would, and do, call it 2-facedness)? She’s a foreign grandmother, give her a break cos it’s when someone is seen to bend a little that progress is made not when everyone is holding steadfastly staunch in their “I’m not giving an inch, fuck her” corner! Or explain why a visit at this time is a bad idea. The polite truth is ALWAYS the best option but for crissakes give her some sort of an explanation. If Grandmother doesn’t then like what she hears THEN it becomes wholly ole grandma’s problem!

Oh BTW 66 yr old woman…..naff off!

Our empathy lies with the woman who JUST had surgery and went through one of the physically hardest things you will in life that kills 287,000 women per year and who made it clear she simply wanted to rest and recuperate alone.

Not the over entitled boundary stepping aggressor who refused to accept it wasn't all about her.

It sounds like your sister-in-law has integrated into the local culture more than your family have and that you should respect that when people move to other parts of the world, the dynamics and expectations change and that you have to work with that. The best way to win your sister-in-law's affection is to back off and make sure you all ensure that she feels she is in charge of her own baby and decisions about where she spends her time. Babies only need to be with their mothers and ideally this should be where their mother is comfortable and happy. As the baby gets older their social circle widens and your family can play a bigger part. Don't burn your bridges by bullying and dominating now.