SIL keeping her baby away

[onlymeandmy]

My sil and bro got married a year ago, we had never met before they got married. She was ok then but since having the baby has been rude and distant and keeps my brother and her baby from my parents and the rest of us.
We have made a lot of effort for her but she is so ungrateful. My mother took 2 weeks off work to stay with her son and help dil for the birth, but she refused and told my brother to tell her that she doesn't want anyone there. My mother doesn't speak English so he has to translate everything for his wife, who doesn't speak out language. She made my mum stay with my sister who lives local to them and was made to feel guilty and unwelcome when she spent the days at her house. We then found out that her own mother was staying at their house. All we wanted was to help and spend time with her new grandchild. My mum went cooked and cleaned and bought kitchen appliances but she was just so ungrateful. My sister was going around in the evenings after the baby was born and she was just so rude and could tell she didn't want anyone, but her own mother to hold the baby. I'm sure she was a bit irritable after surgery, but has been 3 months now and still not letting us have access to the baby.
She takes the baby to her mum and dad and sister all the time, but we are made to feel like we can't go around to my brothers house. We still do, but we are clearly not welcome. She has only attended once with the baby to my mum and dad so they have barely seen their grandchild. All whilst her family see the baby at least once a week.
Her family have lots of grandchildren and mine only have this one so she is being so selfish by withholding him. How can we build a relationship if we aren't allowed to see him.
She is pulling my brother away from his family and being selfish with my nephew.
AIBU?
What can we do to get her to see what's she's doing?

Ask him to bring the baby to visit you so both sides of grandparents and aunts and uncles can be a part of the baby's life. Mum can stay at home with her family or do something that makes her happy.

Bloody hell!

The baby is only 3 months!

She might not want to be apart or might be breastfeeding.

ewww... the misogyny is coming from inside the building.

Narcissistic behavior is thinking a grandparents entitlement trumps a new mothers well being and rights.

Let's see - he decided to marry but didn't introduce his intended to the family at any point before the wedding, and it's sup[posed to be SIL who is blocking the family from coming around / visiting despite the fact that he supposedly wants them involved but has done nothing at all to make that happen?

I think I have a sense of this...
MIL - I want to see the baby
Son - Yes mum...
Sister - Mum wants to see the baby
Son - Yes sister...

I think it's called avoidance... whatever you say mum, whatever you say sister... dear God when can I get them off the phone????

I'm not convinced that he wants anything other than to be out from under the thumb of his family. That would explain the whole "not introducing his fiancee to the familiy" - might have scared her off?

Not only that a grandmother who doesn't even speak the DIL language!

Why on earth do you or your mother think this woman you hardly know would want your mother there when her own mother is available to help her.

Immediately following the birth it is the mother that needs support not the baby.

I assume you purposely didn't enable the poll as you knew it would be a minimum of 95% YABU.

Bahahaha. Are you my MIL?! Mine reckons I do this - she can't face the fact her son won't speak to her because of her own behaviour.

Anyway, OP... it's curious you have a problem with your SIL's choices when surely you should be raising this with your brother? Does he have no say? It sounds like he is backing her and agrees you're all ridiculous and overbearing.

Also, do you all live in the UK? If so, it is totally unacceptable for your mother not to bother to learn to speak English and expect SIL to have a woman 'helping' who she can't even communicate with!

Yes quite. It sounds like he would have been expected to have an arranged marriage ( where the families woukd have met beforehand) but he decided to marry someone he had met, and didn't even want to introduce to his parents or family. I wonder why?!

@Sapphire387 Same! MIL thinks I turned her son against her but in reality he can't stand her and she pushed him over the edge with her behaviour after DD was born.

Don’t be surprised if they move sometime soon.

Wow I'm on sister in laws side

Dam straight

Ah, sympathies. My MIL hasn't even met our DD (3mo). DH's choice. It's particularly hard when someone behaves in a difficult way around a pregnancy and birth of a child.

What’s with this new move from extended family to stick their beaks into new mothers’ business? It doesn’t feel natural to the mother because it isn’t natural. Maybe go have your own baby/life

Most women feel more comfortable around their own mums/sisters as opposed to in-laws (especially after giving birth), and with a language barrier it's just another layer of discomfort. OP your family may mean well, but SIL being a new mum also needs time to get her barings and get back to herself mentally and physically, and not have to be worrying instead about upsetting or offending your family.

Minus the language difference this could be my inlaws, domineering and overbearing with no self awareness at all. I’m sure they think I’m pulling their son away from them, but truth is he can’t stand them.

They ruined the newborn period for me, turning up unannounced, when I had a baby with severe reflux, tongue tie and struggling to latch. My midwife was shocked and told them off. Didn’t change their behaviour.

Now we very rarely see them, we got so sick of it we didn’t care if it upset them we went low contact for our mental health.

Oh dear another post about overbearing in-laws who lack any insight or common sense

Yes you are incredibly unreasonable. Woman prefers her own mum to her mother in law SHOCKER. it really sounds like your family have hounded the new parents. Do you realise it's their baby and not just your mums grandchild, and his wife and the baby are his family?

I mean I understand husband's family not wanting to be left out but forcing your way in is never the way to go.

Knowing how strongly her MIL feels about this it's probably easier to avoid her than try to get her to compromise.

That & the language barrier of course.

How does this go on from generation to generation?

Is it a case of "I was forced to therefore I'll force it on someone else"?

My exact thoughts haly way through the op 😁😁😁😁😁😁 (in response to third reply saying this won't go well for op)

I don't think anyone wants mil staying with them after the birth of their baby. She might be hormonal and possibly some pnd and obviously she's going to want her own mum there. I wouldn't push. The more you push and demand the more she will pull away. I'd take a back seat, tell her you love them all and will be there for them when she's ready

Tbh I wouldn’t have wanted my MIL (or my mother for that matter) staying with me for 2 whole weeks after I’d given birth. Maybe she wouldn’t feel like she does now if the family had been happy to just visit for a few hours.

im sure your mother means well, but she must see that having a virtual stranger with you full time when you just want to relax and get to know your baby isn’t very appealing. Could your parents invite them over for dinner or something at theirs so they can all just have a nice evening and your parents can see the baby with out the pressure of having to have them stay or spend an unreasonable amount of time with them.

Yabvu you all sound like an overbearing nightmare. It will be hard for her to forgive all this happening right after the birth. Already a lot of damage done. Only hope is if you all completely change your tune and start asking her what she wants and respecting that without all this judgement

was made to feel guilty and unwelcome when she spent the days at her house.

I would have chucked her out! Who sits there uninvited in the house of a new mum and her baby for whole days?!

Your family don’t sound ‘easy going’, they sound self-absorbed and smothering!

Traditionally in our culture they should be living with us

Which culture has a new mum and baby living specifically with the husband’s sister?!

She made my mum stay with my sister who lives local to them and was made to feel guilty and unwelcome when she spent the days at her house. We then found out that her own mother was staying at their house.

I can totally understand why your SiL would prefer to have her own mother staying with her at a stressful & intimate time, particularly if your mother can't communicate easily.

She is pulling my brother away from his family and being selfish with my nephew

Another way of looking at this: She and my bother are creating their own family, and are separating from their birth families. And her son is her son first & foremost, not your nephew.

Op when it comes your time by all means stick to your culture. But your sil has no reason to bow down to some ridiculous archaic culture norm. I'd be very surprised if when you have children you do what you expect her to do. If you all don't stop at once and make amends you'll all lose any chance to know this child