SIL keeping her baby away

[onlymeandmy]

My sil and bro got married a year ago, we had never met before they got married. She was ok then but since having the baby has been rude and distant and keeps my brother and her baby from my parents and the rest of us.
We have made a lot of effort for her but she is so ungrateful. My mother took 2 weeks off work to stay with her son and help dil for the birth, but she refused and told my brother to tell her that she doesn't want anyone there. My mother doesn't speak English so he has to translate everything for his wife, who doesn't speak out language. She made my mum stay with my sister who lives local to them and was made to feel guilty and unwelcome when she spent the days at her house. We then found out that her own mother was staying at their house. All we wanted was to help and spend time with her new grandchild. My mum went cooked and cleaned and bought kitchen appliances but she was just so ungrateful. My sister was going around in the evenings after the baby was born and she was just so rude and could tell she didn't want anyone, but her own mother to hold the baby. I'm sure she was a bit irritable after surgery, but has been 3 months now and still not letting us have access to the baby.
She takes the baby to her mum and dad and sister all the time, but we are made to feel like we can't go around to my brothers house. We still do, but we are clearly not welcome. She has only attended once with the baby to my mum and dad so they have barely seen their grandchild. All whilst her family see the baby at least once a week.
Her family have lots of grandchildren and mine only have this one so she is being so selfish by withholding him. How can we build a relationship if we aren't allowed to see him.
She is pulling my brother away from his family and being selfish with my nephew.
AIBU?
What can we do to get her to see what's she's doing?

When a baby is tiny and mum is doing the majority of feeding/caring no dad is not an equal parentZ

Why can’t the ILs just wait. This child will be in your life forever. Have a modicum of respect and wait

You need to respect her boundaries and stop being so selfish, tactless, and pushy.

That is a relevant question. I had a friend that would always say “why won’t xx let me see their baby, the baby is 2/3/4 months old now.”

Without the knowledge of what a mother goes through in that time - and no empathy. They just wanted to see the baby, take cute pictures and leave.

You've branded this woman a 'MIL from hell' purely because of ONE wish to spend two weeks helping with her new grandchild? Wow. Glad you're not in my family!

Prime example of The Invisible Woman.

Two weeks in the home of her DIL who she can’t even speak to, who is recovering from giving birth for the first time, doing things that the new mum doesn’t want or need to be done.

Fixed that for you.

Heres a thought - why doesn’t MIL just ask how she can help? Rather than assuming her overbearing way is the only way?

Except that you tried to move in on the hospital

You've twisted that to fit your own narrative. OP quite clearly said they were invited to the hospital.

Good on your sister in law and brother for setting boundaries and sticking to them.
I can't even imagine someone inviting themselves to stay for 2 weeks right after someone has given birth, no wonder they don't want your mum around!

You've just made that up

@YinrunIsMySpiritAnimal The baby is just as much the father's as the mother's!
When I had mine, his family were just as welcome if they were able to have travelled at the time. Just because I gave birth didn't mean I was in charge! Everything baby related was a joint decision! Jesus wept

@YinrunIsMySpiritAnimal Are you under the misconception that you're the only woman on this thread who has given birth?! Because I can tell you you're SORELY mistaken

@Orangeandgold that's so sad :( sadly there's some people out there that have no regard for pregnancy and child birth. Especially for a woman who has had a complicated birth and or pregnancy, trauma from some of the events can last a lifetime. Not just a matter of a couple of months!

No? Did I ever say that?
im saying women deserve not to be invisible.
bonkers that my post was deleted

Yes but when they’re tiny and the mother is the primary feeder then where the man takes the baby and when is NOT an equal decision

He really should eh?

Except he doesn't want to.

His actions are saying something different to what he's (apparently) said.

Imagine HE is fed up of his overbearing parents who don't take no for answer. Wouldn't he just probably pay them lipservice then go off and do his own thing?

His actions speak volumes. HE wants distance from his own family and he's happy to put distance. Of course his evil new wife will get the blame for 'stealing' him. But therein lies the point; his family think they have ownership rights over him and his time and that of his family to the point that they refer to him as a possession to be stolen away by the evil witch figure.

OP your brother is fed up of this shit. Take the hint.

Yeah. What makes you think it's NOT a joint decision?

The OP and her family are tone deaf. I'm not sure they'd grasp it if the brother was just as fed up as his wife ...

Why would anyone want a MIL that doesn't speak their language in their home with them all day?

My then MIL told my then husband (who had invited her to stay while I was having the baby) that it was up to the mother of the child (me) who is around during and after the birth and refused his invitation, but gladly accepted when I invited her (and was VERY helpful!).

If the mother is the main caregiver then it is up to the mother who is around during the day. Why doesn't your DB invite you when he's at home with the baby?

Mn (presumably reflecting RL) has a weird tendency to not blame the biological family member, but whoever they married, for putatively joint decisions. It’s clearly far easier to go with a narrative of ‘evil DIL keeping baby from us’ than ‘DB and SIL distancing themselves from us because we’re overbearing and tone-deaf’.

It’s very rude to make your child’s paternal grandmother feel unwelcome for wanting to visit her own grandchild! Hth. She was told not to stay over, which she didn’t, as she stayed locally
at her own sisters place. She came round to visit in the day! So unfair to make the child’s own gp feel like an outsider, when the child has TWO sets of grandparents, especially when it sounds like the in laws have tried to be helpful, and naturally just want to be involved. “Shouldn’t have even let her in the house,” is ever so cruel. There’s no backstory here of in laws being abusive in the OP, just overly excited and cultural clash, which the SIL stood firm on anyway.

No its rude to ignore a woman going through a massive health and life shift by imposing yourself.

On NO planet is the grandparent a victim here... she is neither the one who had surgery OR the parent of the child.

She didn’t ignore her. MILs plan was to stay over for two weeks to help, but SIL refused, so she actually accepted her wishes.

Your mum
Sounds very overbearing. I wouldn't want you mother in law, who speaks no English there either.

Eh??

It’s not ‘accepting someone’s wishes’ to not be in their house when you’re not wanted. You’re not doing them a favour. You ASK not demand you stay at someone’s house. That’s like me saying ‘I accept your wish to not punch you in the face. You’re welcome’

What was the alternative, put her windows in and force herself to stay?

The ‘wish’ was on the MIL to want something.