SIL keeping her baby away

[onlymeandmy]

My sil and bro got married a year ago, we had never met before they got married. She was ok then but since having the baby has been rude and distant and keeps my brother and her baby from my parents and the rest of us.
We have made a lot of effort for her but she is so ungrateful. My mother took 2 weeks off work to stay with her son and help dil for the birth, but she refused and told my brother to tell her that she doesn't want anyone there. My mother doesn't speak English so he has to translate everything for his wife, who doesn't speak out language. She made my mum stay with my sister who lives local to them and was made to feel guilty and unwelcome when she spent the days at her house. We then found out that her own mother was staying at their house. All we wanted was to help and spend time with her new grandchild. My mum went cooked and cleaned and bought kitchen appliances but she was just so ungrateful. My sister was going around in the evenings after the baby was born and she was just so rude and could tell she didn't want anyone, but her own mother to hold the baby. I'm sure she was a bit irritable after surgery, but has been 3 months now and still not letting us have access to the baby.
She takes the baby to her mum and dad and sister all the time, but we are made to feel like we can't go around to my brothers house. We still do, but we are clearly not welcome. She has only attended once with the baby to my mum and dad so they have barely seen their grandchild. All whilst her family see the baby at least once a week.
Her family have lots of grandchildren and mine only have this one so she is being so selfish by withholding him. How can we build a relationship if we aren't allowed to see him.
She is pulling my brother away from his family and being selfish with my nephew.
AIBU?
What can we do to get her to see what's she's doing?

You’ve never met her before the babies arrival?

have you thought about getting to know her? I can imagine how difficult it must be to bring a baby to “strangers” - you need to get to know her as well as the baby.

How old is the baby? Does anyone on your side of the family recall how stressful the first few months are and how most mothers tend to spend time with their family for support? She has to heal. She also needs to get to know her baby and I think you should continue visiting but not from the mindset that “you all need access to the baby” but you need to genuinely think about how you can be of help. How can you make her feel like she is part of the family?

The baby isn’t going anywhere. You will have plenty of time to get to know your nephew. New mums need support.

I can't believe someone actually has this mindset , just wow

It’s traditional to live with somebody who you cannot communicate with? Sounds hellish. We retain and celebrate our different cultures, but if you live in the UK then UK culture is also relevant - families can live where they choose and the short period after giving birth can be a special time for daughters and mums, where daughters need their mums for help and support, not having a virtual stranger foisted upon them. YABU.

My mum went cooked and cleaned and bought kitchen appliances

Maybe she didn't want any of this?

Why wasn't your brother doing it?

I cannot believe the surge of antipathy towards your family. Of course the grandparents have EVERY RIGHT to see their grandchild. Everyone is so "for" the 'poor SIL' but she very obviously can more then look after herself. I think that its true the onus for this does rest on the SIL's husband, he really ought to mediate between his wife and his parents but having said that don;t for ONE minute think that the in-laws don't have a leg to stand on they SO DO. They are the grandparents!!! It may well be difficult for the SIL to communicate with her MIL but life is not just a bed of roses so quit trying to make it so, it never works. I feel horrible knowing we are all one species - I'm talking about you guys who ALL took the SIL's side. Millennials!

She sounds like she has a different upbringing to your family despite being from the same ‘culture’ so instead of imposing your ways onto her, maybe your mother should have respected her and got to know her before making assumptions that things would be a certain way. Your brother should have married someone who will fit in with the family if that’s a priority for him but clearly he isn’t bothered and you need to respect how they are doing things. If you have a problem it’s your brother you need to blame but you sound like you’re pushing for a traditional patriarchal set up anyway so I doubt you hold your brother responsible because it’s all the evil sil fault. Anyway I’m sure when you have your own kids you can spend time with your mother then.

I'm talking about you guys who ALL took the SIL's side. Millennials!

Excuse me.
Even my four children are too old to be classed as millennials.

That makes me prehistoric.

I am beginning to understand why the son didn’t want to introduce his fiancée to the family before the wedding. She would have run a mile. Overbearing mother, toxic interfering sister……. no wonder she sticks to her own family, and it sounds as though the husband finds them easier to get on with too.

You've not got access to him? He's a baby not a driveway.

Unfortunately, you're wrong. At least, you are if the country of residence under discussion is the UK.

Grandparents' rights are not enshrined in UK law to the extent that this is automatically granted. They would have to seek permission to a court to apply for a Child Arrangements Order, and in order for this to be granted they would need to prove a preexisting relationship with the child.

The courts would also not frame this as the grandparents having 'every right' over contact with a child, but as a child's entitlement to know its grandparents.

I'm not stating a view on any moral position here, but this is the legal one.

The patrarchial joint family type set up is outdated and the only people that want to push it is the patriarchy because of the value they put on their sons over their daughters. Many people bring women from back home because they’re determined to keep these ‘values’ often at the detriment of the wife. I’m not surprised a woman living in Britain does not want to follow that unless you live in a massive house I think it’s quite gross to expect so many living together in small spaces. Back home it works to an extent but over here it’s just a pita unless of course everyone wants to live this way and it’s been mutually agreed and everyone is mutually respected. Sorry but you need to get over it.

@JustAMinutePleass
"I’m Indian and in most South Asian cultures the mum’s side will see the baby exclusively in the first 60 days but then are expected to butt out afterwards. But in others they stick around. OP should pity this foolish selfish little girl who can’t look after her baby alone and needs mummy even when baby is 3 months old."

The irony of this statement. Who said the SIL can't look after her baby? OP doesn't even know her. Thank goodness DS has his wife's back.

Also OP please be very careful who you take your advice from. Or you may end your relationship with DB, SIL and Baby forever.

I’m south Asian btw and well versed in this set up before anyone jumps at me.

My MIL thinking she could come and stay after my daughter was born would be my idea of hell. I'm close to my MIL but I wouldn't want her to stop over just after I give birth. Your mother isn't even close to your SIL. She'll feel so uncomfortable. I wouldn't mind my own mum coming as she is my mum.
Does your mum just turn up at the house unannounced? Try to make plans in advance.

The problem is you can’t cherry pick which bits you want, if you want your in laws to do you favours then they will expect you to let them do what they want. That’s how it works. I see sil who want things on their own terms which is fine but your in laws are not going to be ok with that, it’s usually all or nothing otherwise your in laws will feel used. The way I see it is you are better off doing the nuclear family thing unless you are willing to let them follow their traditions and meet their expectations too.

I don’t know why people are having a go at millennials. This “new age of antenatal and postnatal” thinking is finally changing the conversations around childbirth and motherhood because prior to this so many women had babies and suffered in silence. Carried on with PND. Did whatever traditions they were told to do because that’s just how it’s done. MIL said so… Had no idea what to expect post birth etc

Childbirth and motherhood is a big deal and it’s about time that we allowed women the space and support that they need to get through this life transition.

Also grandparents have no legal rights at all. But culturally and to be polite, they should be allowed to see their grandchild. Sounds like your family can see the child but your family want more.

You just need to read the various threads from women who live in these set ups to know what it’s bad, ofcourse it’s not bad for everyone but best to err on the side of caution before jumping into this sort of set up. Women who don’t understand why people are siding with sil are obviously naive or have never experienced the dark side of these set ups, it’s great for women who are happy to tow the line but if you want to do things your way, move out, have some boundaries etc then it won’t be for you.

It’s more natural for a new mother to be around her maternal family as her mother is someone she will be most comfortable with over her in laws. She’s hardly going to want to be around strangers esp if they have a completely different mindset.

The blame for this is being placed on your SIL, but not your own brother. Why?

Possibly as a male he can do no wrong?

Also wondering if he's straddling the fence & telling Op's family what they want to hear.

"Of course I wanted you at the hospital..."

Seriously???

First of all you don't just take time off and then get upset when someone doesn't want you there

Of course she is more comfortable with her family, especially if there is a language barrier

It's not her responsibility to facilitate a relationship between her husband family and her child ITS YOUR BROTHERS.

She’s not from your culture if she doesn’t speak your language

At the age of 66 I am sure I'm not a millennial. And for your information, no grandparent has any RIGHT over their grandchild. Morally or in law. So suck up your ageist crap. Children are not possessions, not even of their parents and certainly not of miscellaneous entitled relatives.

Well said