SIL keeping her baby away

[onlymeandmy]

My sil and bro got married a year ago, we had never met before they got married. She was ok then but since having the baby has been rude and distant and keeps my brother and her baby from my parents and the rest of us.
We have made a lot of effort for her but she is so ungrateful. My mother took 2 weeks off work to stay with her son and help dil for the birth, but she refused and told my brother to tell her that she doesn't want anyone there. My mother doesn't speak English so he has to translate everything for his wife, who doesn't speak out language. She made my mum stay with my sister who lives local to them and was made to feel guilty and unwelcome when she spent the days at her house. We then found out that her own mother was staying at their house. All we wanted was to help and spend time with her new grandchild. My mum went cooked and cleaned and bought kitchen appliances but she was just so ungrateful. My sister was going around in the evenings after the baby was born and she was just so rude and could tell she didn't want anyone, but her own mother to hold the baby. I'm sure she was a bit irritable after surgery, but has been 3 months now and still not letting us have access to the baby.
She takes the baby to her mum and dad and sister all the time, but we are made to feel like we can't go around to my brothers house. We still do, but we are clearly not welcome. She has only attended once with the baby to my mum and dad so they have barely seen their grandchild. All whilst her family see the baby at least once a week.
Her family have lots of grandchildren and mine only have this one so she is being so selfish by withholding him. How can we build a relationship if we aren't allowed to see him.
She is pulling my brother away from his family and being selfish with my nephew.
AIBU?
What can we do to get her to see what's she's doing?

46 with a 12 month old here. Absolutely loving parenting ❤️

Would have been sooner but it was a 6 year road of infertility and ivf.

I'm way more relaxed and in a better place emotionally than in my chaotic 20s

Seriously OP, this has GOT to be a reverse. If not YABVU!!

On what planet do you think grandparents have every right to see the baby?!

Firstly, the OP said that they have had contact although not a lot but secondly, if the parents of the child decided for whatever reason they didn't want them being a part of the child's life then no, the grandparents have no leg to stand on.

The grandparents have had their time, now it's the new parents time and you're off your rocker If you think that's a 'millenial' thing. It's a 'it's their child, not the grandparents' thing

Well done your SIL for putting in place healthy boundaries. I can’t think of anything worse than ANYONE bar my husband and children staying with me post surgery nevermind immediately after having a baby. Good grief, get a grip. He’s not your baby. And nor is he your mothers. Maybe question why your brother hasn’t bought the baby round more to see you or made you feel welcome. Could it be you and your mother are a tad overbearing?!

What a horrible response focused needlessly on race! Awful to read such misogynistic rubbish from a woman.

This was to a poster above by the way - @Sunnydaze642

Nothing notable except for the complete absence of a relationship. Which some people would consider notable.

The OP has not come back to address this point dispute several posters asking why?

@Sunnydaze642 in this day and age, child birth is still the most dangerous thing a woman can do and knowing this, most women know what and who they need. The sil isn't being a bitch, at the end of the day she could have quite literally said leave! And with respect, saying that western women are overpowering?? I'd actually call it, having boundaries and not being prepared to be bulldozed over in the most important time of her life. It sounds like you need to do some research on western culture instead of slating it

I still can’t believe so many people are painting the in-laws like villains. Sure, the SIL has a right to choose who she wants at birth and postpartum period, and this should be respected for obvious reasons. But, by no means does it give anyone the right to be rude to their in-laws. OP says her mother was treated rudely and felt unwelcome. She didn’t stay with them in the end, and was at her sisters place. So surely, SIL could’ve behaved nicely if MIL came to visit without staying overnight. This is assuming that MIL meant well and wanted to help to make things easier for SIL, as well as seeing her grandchild. Why are people so quick to assume that SIL is seen as a “vessel.” Maybe they genuinely wanted to offer help, and have love for their first ever grandchild, and due to cultural reasons, they felt they were being supportive. Surely, now that it’s been 3 months, in laws should be made to feel more included, given SILs side of the family are always given priority. It is BOTH their child, not just SIL’s.

Don’t worry about her. She’s most likely a pick me girl happy to help the patriarchy…many are like this in my community where they spew whatever the men have told them but once they find themselves on the receiving end they quickly change their tune.

Don’t think OP is coming back for some reason 🤔

It’s princessy to expect to push a child out your vagina without perfect strangers watching?

Its princessy to not want a stranger who you can’t communicate with to live elsewhere when you’ve had a baby?

Its princessy to want the days after having a newborn baby to not constantly want a stranger imposing themselves on you?

Dont worry love I’m sure someone will pick you one day. In the meantime the rest of us are happy not to be total doormats

Oh come on. You're so so unreasonable.

It's her vagina/body. Up to her who's there.

look at it from the familys perspective.

No. the family do not matter. This woman is being treated like a vessel, not an actual human. Good for her for not pandering to the mistreatment of her.

1. Also it’s OP’s brothers fault his wife hasn’t met his family. Who else is supposed to facilitate it @Sunnydaze642 ?
2. the paternal Family have not tried their best. They haven’t tried treating this new mum with respect. They haven’t asked her HOW she thinks they can help her out - they just barged in with their own entitled plans. That’s not trying your best that being a self centred inconsiderate twat

Its very clear the sil has a problem, i dont know what

I do. Her overbearing in laws wanted her to prioritise their need to see her baby before her need to recouperate properly after giving birth

@Sunnydaze642 please just answer me one question... have you given birth?

Not trying to be nasty but reason for my question is that until you've given birth and gone through postpartum it is quite shocking how different you thought it would be. Honestly, it sounds like this is something that you are yet to experience and the reason why I say that is because you are making out like its a western thing. When honestly, its a women who have given birth both vaginally and surgically standing together to say what they would and would not have been able to cope with when going through this huge experience

Yes at 3 months it's perfectly fine for a father to take his baby out for an hour or 2 between feeds if breastfeeding and even easier if not. Is dad not an equal parent? Mum can go aswell if she wishes but she can't unilaterally decide to keep his family from the baby.

Your family wanted to be at the birth? You sound so intense and are probably driving her crazy. You need to back off and give her space and change your expectations otherwise she will cut you out completely.

You and your family are way out of line. You keep talking about your culture, but obviously your SIL has other ideas, and THAT IS HER RIGHT. I'd be keeping all of you at arm's length, too. Leave her alone and let her decide when you can visit. Just showing up is rude. And your mother needs to get over the fact that your brother and SIL are choosing their own path. Again, they HAVE THAT RIGHT.

@Sunnydaze642 are you a married woman living with in laws? The way you write you sound like a naive, sheltered little girl. Let me guess you don’t get out much from your little community bubble? Do you know any ‘western’ women personally? Otherwise you wouldn’t be spouting such nonsense. Anti western women, anti feminism. Come back when you’ve had a baby and are dealing with your own mil and I’m sure you’ll be giving the sil the benefit of the doubt rather than spouting your misogyny.

She felt unwelcome because (and bare with me here) she WAS unwelcome.

She was straight up told 'no don't come' and came anyway, she disrespected them and their space... frankly they shouldn't have even let her in the house.