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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL keeping her baby away

359 replies

onlymeandmy · 06/11/2023 10:55

My sil and bro got married a year ago, we had never met before they got married. She was ok then but since having the baby has been rude and distant and keeps my brother and her baby from my parents and the rest of us.
We have made a lot of effort for her but she is so ungrateful. My mother took 2 weeks off work to stay with her son and help dil for the birth, but she refused and told my brother to tell her that she doesn't want anyone there. My mother doesn't speak English so he has to translate everything for his wife, who doesn't speak out language. She made my mum stay with my sister who lives local to them and was made to feel guilty and unwelcome when she spent the days at her house. We then found out that her own mother was staying at their house. All we wanted was to help and spend time with her new grandchild. My mum went cooked and cleaned and bought kitchen appliances but she was just so ungrateful. My sister was going around in the evenings after the baby was born and she was just so rude and could tell she didn't want anyone, but her own mother to hold the baby. I'm sure she was a bit irritable after surgery, but has been 3 months now and still not letting us have access to the baby.
She takes the baby to her mum and dad and sister all the time, but we are made to feel like we can't go around to my brothers house. We still do, but we are clearly not welcome. She has only attended once with the baby to my mum and dad so they have barely seen their grandchild. All whilst her family see the baby at least once a week.
Her family have lots of grandchildren and mine only have this one so she is being so selfish by withholding him. How can we build a relationship if we aren't allowed to see him.
She is pulling my brother away from his family and being selfish with my nephew.
AIBU?
What can we do to get her to see what's she's doing?

OP posts:
cryinglaughing · 06/11/2023 11:07

I think SIL's needs/wants trump everyone else's in this situation and she should do as she pleases.

Haydenn · 06/11/2023 11:07

You need to take a deep breath, step back and give her space. Neither you or your mum want to help your SIL, you want to see the baby. And that is fine. But you need to stop framing that as help- and start seeing yourselves as guests and guests mean work.

you aren’t doing your SIL a massive favour. You want to go round, so be grateful, stop with the pressure and stop making her life harder. If you make her life easier she’ll want to see you. If you are a PITA then she won’t.

gloriawasright · 06/11/2023 11:07

The position you are in now could be a direct result of being pressured by you all in the early days of the baby being born.you should have all given her a bit of space to get to know her baby without anyone else being there.
But you all persevered with your absolute need to see the baby.(sarcasm btw) you backed her into the corner she is in now .and the defensive position she had to take.
And I don't blame her .

femfemlicious · 06/11/2023 11:08

onlymeandmy · 06/11/2023 10:55

My sil and bro got married a year ago, we had never met before they got married. She was ok then but since having the baby has been rude and distant and keeps my brother and her baby from my parents and the rest of us.
We have made a lot of effort for her but she is so ungrateful. My mother took 2 weeks off work to stay with her son and help dil for the birth, but she refused and told my brother to tell her that she doesn't want anyone there. My mother doesn't speak English so he has to translate everything for his wife, who doesn't speak out language. She made my mum stay with my sister who lives local to them and was made to feel guilty and unwelcome when she spent the days at her house. We then found out that her own mother was staying at their house. All we wanted was to help and spend time with her new grandchild. My mum went cooked and cleaned and bought kitchen appliances but she was just so ungrateful. My sister was going around in the evenings after the baby was born and she was just so rude and could tell she didn't want anyone, but her own mother to hold the baby. I'm sure she was a bit irritable after surgery, but has been 3 months now and still not letting us have access to the baby.
She takes the baby to her mum and dad and sister all the time, but we are made to feel like we can't go around to my brothers house. We still do, but we are clearly not welcome. She has only attended once with the baby to my mum and dad so they have barely seen their grandchild. All whilst her family see the baby at least once a week.
Her family have lots of grandchildren and mine only have this one so she is being so selfish by withholding him. How can we build a relationship if we aren't allowed to see him.
She is pulling my brother away from his family and being selfish with my nephew.
AIBU?
What can we do to get her to see what's she's doing?

She sounds like a typical mumsnetter to be honest...sorry @onlymeandmy

justalittlesnoel · 06/11/2023 11:08

😂 as a non parent I can even see all of the issues in this!! Your brother sounds sensible keeping you loopy lot away - your poor SIL has done well having good boundaries!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 06/11/2023 11:09

Good Lord you’re poor SIL!

What an overbearing family to have kept pushing in when she’d just had a baby by caesarean and clearly needed space. Of course she only wanted her own mum there - that’s her mum. The mum of the person who had major surgery and had been pregnant, not the mum of the perfectly healthy man (not quite sure where he was in all of this!)

If you’d all respected her right to space - and it was a right - then you’d probably have a better relationship now.

AmazingSnakeHead · 06/11/2023 11:10

Definitely a reverse. OP, your MIL and her family are obviously batshit. You did the right thing by not letting your insane MIL stay with you. I advise you to just direct all contact to your hushand. He is the brother and son, so he should arrange all the contact.

Heronwatcher · 06/11/2023 11:10

This has got to be a joke surely! Mother in law for 2 weeks after birth and sister in law popping in in the evenings- what a bloody nightmare! Especially as you say there is a language barrier. If you want to salvage any relationship with the MOTHER then you all need to give her a bit of space and wait until she invites you to visit. It’s a brand new baby and a new mum not a family salad bowl. And it is PERFECTLY NORMAL for the mother to want her own mum there after birth, she does not need to justify it.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 06/11/2023 11:10

Haydenn · 06/11/2023 11:07

You need to take a deep breath, step back and give her space. Neither you or your mum want to help your SIL, you want to see the baby. And that is fine. But you need to stop framing that as help- and start seeing yourselves as guests and guests mean work.

you aren’t doing your SIL a massive favour. You want to go round, so be grateful, stop with the pressure and stop making her life harder. If you make her life easier she’ll want to see you. If you are a PITA then she won’t.

This also.

And somehow you seem to be framing the fact your Mum doesn’t speak English as your SIL’s fault 😵‍💫

Planesmistakenforstars · 06/11/2023 11:10

What can we do to get her to see what's she's doing?

This question only makes sense if it's directed at you and your mum, or if you have the empathy and self awareness of a loo roll.

femfemlicious · 06/11/2023 11:12

The problem here is a culture clash. I don't see any solution to this.

Hobnobswantshernameback · 06/11/2023 11:14

If this isn't a reverse I'll eat the bar of chocolate on my desk
i mean I will anyway
but it's good to have goals on a Monday

hydriotaphia · 06/11/2023 11:14

I think the comments are unfair. There's a cultural expectation in many places that a MIL will come and stay to look after baby. Completely reasonable for the SIL to decline, but NOT unreasonable for the MIL to kindly want to follow this cultural tradition either - I'm sure it hasn't occurred to her that it would be intrusive. IMHO the issue is miscommunication by the son/husband. He should have smoothed things over with his mum by explaining why she wasn't wanted in the after-birth period, and also by making clear it was a joint decision on the part of his wife and him. And he should be facilitating contact with MIL/family, unless there is some reason why they don't want this (in which case he needs to bite the bullet and explain this). Keeping the baby away from a loving grandma is sad for the child imho unless there is some major reason why contact is not appropriate.

TheresaCrowd · 06/11/2023 11:16

Has your brother had both his bollocks and his spine removed? 🤔

arethereanyleftatall · 06/11/2023 11:16

An obvious reverse op.

When you make yourself look so so bad in an op, it is obvious.

If you actually want help, post from your perspective of a really irritating set of in law's ignoring your boundaries, because reverses are just irritating.

If it's not a reverse, Yabu- back the fuck off. That poor poor woman.

Toottooot · 06/11/2023 11:17

Good for her - you all sound overbearing and annoying.

TheresaCrowd · 06/11/2023 11:17

Hobnobswantshernameback · 06/11/2023 11:14

If this isn't a reverse I'll eat the bar of chocolate on my desk
i mean I will anyway
but it's good to have goals on a Monday

🤣🤣🤣

Sexlivesofthepotatomen · 06/11/2023 11:18

Has to be a reverse, no-one could be this tone deaf.

By the way, reverses are boring as fuck

Nazzywish · 06/11/2023 11:18

If your lot had backed off after birth she might have been inclined to give you time now. Instead all I'm reading is we want time, me me me, bloody hell op your family are a nightmare and that's coming from a culture where its normal for extended family to help out post birth. Seriously back off and she will let you in when she's good and ready stop forcing things and moaning 12 weeks in. It's IS about her and her bonding time with baby not your flipping mother, sister and you.

PinkPink1 · 06/11/2023 11:19

Very unreasonable of your mum to expect to spend two weeks at her daughter in law's house. I imagine your mum just wanted to be with her newborn grand daughter and her priority was not to help DIL. I think it's totally normal for a woman to prefer to be around her own mum after giving birth. She'd be in pain as she recovers. Her mum's priority would be to ensure her own daughter was OK as well as her new grand child.

My parents met my baby soon after she was born (in hospital) but I didn't want in laws to visit us in hospital as I was not in a great state for visitors after giving birth.

SunRainStorm · 06/11/2023 11:20

Genuinely- Why do people post in reverse?

What would be the difference if she'd described the same situation but owned her own perspective?

NotLactoseFree · 06/11/2023 11:22

I thought it was a reverse at first. But thinking about it, maybe not... after all, lots of women post on here about overbearing in laws when they have a baby. Those in laws MUSt think it's kay, so maybe they've made it to Mumsnet!?

fedupwithbeinghot · 06/11/2023 11:23

My mother doesn't speak English so he has to translate everything for his wife, who doesn't speak out language. She made my mum stay with my sister who lives local to them and was made to feel guilty and unwelcome when she spent the days at her house.

So, you were expecting that a woman who has just given birth put up with a total stranger in her house with whom she could not even communicate. What bloody nuisance! The point in having some help after birth is having someone who can see you walking around half naked while you shout "bring me a glass of water". Your mother would have been completely useless in that situation.

Instead, you SIL invited her own mum who I am sure was able to do cooking etc without the need of an interpreter.

Is your mum new to the country? Is she making an effort to learn English?

TheresaCrowd · 06/11/2023 11:23

I see reverses as a form of trolling but sadly MNHQ don't agree.

Weird they allow OPs to deliberately lie, mislead and manipulate, just like trolls do.

gamerchick · 06/11/2023 11:24

TheresaCrowd · 06/11/2023 11:23

I see reverses as a form of trolling but sadly MNHQ don't agree.

Weird they allow OPs to deliberately lie, mislead and manipulate, just like trolls do.

Yup. Seriously irritating.