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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL keeping her baby away

359 replies

onlymeandmy · 06/11/2023 10:55

My sil and bro got married a year ago, we had never met before they got married. She was ok then but since having the baby has been rude and distant and keeps my brother and her baby from my parents and the rest of us.
We have made a lot of effort for her but she is so ungrateful. My mother took 2 weeks off work to stay with her son and help dil for the birth, but she refused and told my brother to tell her that she doesn't want anyone there. My mother doesn't speak English so he has to translate everything for his wife, who doesn't speak out language. She made my mum stay with my sister who lives local to them and was made to feel guilty and unwelcome when she spent the days at her house. We then found out that her own mother was staying at their house. All we wanted was to help and spend time with her new grandchild. My mum went cooked and cleaned and bought kitchen appliances but she was just so ungrateful. My sister was going around in the evenings after the baby was born and she was just so rude and could tell she didn't want anyone, but her own mother to hold the baby. I'm sure she was a bit irritable after surgery, but has been 3 months now and still not letting us have access to the baby.
She takes the baby to her mum and dad and sister all the time, but we are made to feel like we can't go around to my brothers house. We still do, but we are clearly not welcome. She has only attended once with the baby to my mum and dad so they have barely seen their grandchild. All whilst her family see the baby at least once a week.
Her family have lots of grandchildren and mine only have this one so she is being so selfish by withholding him. How can we build a relationship if we aren't allowed to see him.
She is pulling my brother away from his family and being selfish with my nephew.
AIBU?
What can we do to get her to see what's she's doing?

OP posts:
1990thatsme · 06/11/2023 14:50

Surely this is a reverse?

If not, then the only advice I can offer is for you to apologise to SIL for being so breathtakingly pushy and ask to start over.

CasaAmarela · 06/11/2023 14:51

@YinrunIsMySpiritAnimal Good for you! We're not having any more children but if I did things would be very different now I'm not 27 and unassertive anymore. It took me far too long to tell MIL where to go.

JustAMinutePleass · 06/11/2023 14:51

I’m Indian and in most South Asian cultures the mum’s side will see the baby exclusively in the first 60 days but then are expected to butt out afterwards. But in others they stick around. OP should pity this foolish selfish little girl who can’t look after her baby alone and needs mummy even when baby is 3 months old.

CasaAmarela · 06/11/2023 14:52

OP should pity this foolish selfish little girl who can’t look after her baby alone and needs mummy even when baby is 3 months old.

Wow.

Spareus · 06/11/2023 14:53

No way would I have the MIL move in for 2 weeks when I just had a baby. You and your mum sound like a nightmare.

RampantIvy · 06/11/2023 14:58

We did then once again find out her own sister was at their house with them during the labour.

So?

The mum is hardly likely to want a complete stranger with her while having a baby. It isn't a spectator sport.

YinrunIsMySpiritAnimal · 06/11/2023 15:02

JustAMinutePleass · 06/11/2023 14:51

I’m Indian and in most South Asian cultures the mum’s side will see the baby exclusively in the first 60 days but then are expected to butt out afterwards. But in others they stick around. OP should pity this foolish selfish little girl who can’t look after her baby alone and needs mummy even when baby is 3 months old.

Right - because only Real Women martyr themselves and struggle even though they could get help.

Goldbar · 06/11/2023 15:09

JudgeJ · 06/11/2023 13:23

Yet her family seem to have no difficulty in seeing their child, as usual it's the paternal family that's treated so badly. Hopefully if they need some help later the OP's family will have long memories.

Show quote history

Her family are presumably there mostly to support her... you know, the woman who's just given birth.

In any case, the child is not 'their' child, it's the child of the two parents - mum and dad. But the reality with newborn babies, even if people would prefer to ignore it, is that they usually come as a package with their mother, at least for the first few months. A mother who is not simply an inconvenient appendage to the baby and who needs support, consideration, space, peace and quiet to recover from the birth.

Hibiscrubbed · 06/11/2023 15:18

I won’t be the first or last saying this, but of course she wanted her mum and not your mum the moment she’d given birth. Duh. 😆

That she can’t even talk to your mum is an added complication.

Your family are clearly crowding her and being too demanding. Back off.

Hibiscrubbed · 06/11/2023 15:19

I won’t be the first or last saying this, but of course she wanted her mum and not your mum the moment she’d given birth. Duh. 😆

That she can’t even talk to your mum is an added complication.

Your family are clearly crowding her and being too demanding. Back off.

MaryWelly · 06/11/2023 15:26

I know that traditions come with strong emotions and expectations. I appreciate this is challenging for your mum who wants to be included.
However - this is not about her and her feelings in this instance. Your mum and yourself need to put your own feelings to the side and respect and support your sil and her choices. She is not an obstacle to your rightful access to your niece/nephew. She is the baby's mother, she's just given birth and is going through the difficult post partum period. She should be your priority - and you need to listen to her about what she needs and not impose onto her what you think she needs or what you think she's entitled to. If you aren't able to you will create permanent damage to important family relationships.

Hibiscrubbed · 06/11/2023 15:30

They ‘should’ be living with you?

No. Archaic.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/11/2023 15:36

I feel sorry for your sil. She’s been crowded by your family, who seem to have very poor boundaries. I hope your brother has her back. I agree with the advice to apologise to her.

TheShellBeach · 06/11/2023 15:36

OP should pity this foolish selfish little girl who can’t look after her baby alone and needs mummy even when baby is 3 months old.

What an abominable thing to say.

Neriah · 06/11/2023 15:44

TheShellBeach · 06/11/2023 15:36

OP should pity this foolish selfish little girl who can’t look after her baby alone and needs mummy even when baby is 3 months old.

What an abominable thing to say.

Exactly what I thought - I'm more likley to pity her for the self-centred, selfish and frankly anachronistically paternalistic family she's married into, who think they own their son's bride. Hopefully he's got her back and this kind of archaic thinking is becoming a thing of the past. Although it's a bit rich coming from the kind of culture that thinks a daughter in law should move in and become the family skivvy!

Turquoisa80 · 06/11/2023 15:49

I think she hasn't taken to you or your family. You will have to give her space as what minimal contact you have will disappear. Try and arrange things outdoors, go visit but give notice and not overstay, slowly you will become less emotional and upset about it. Stay non reactive and calm.

maddy68 · 06/11/2023 15:50

She's not being rude. She doesn't want her husbands family interference. It sounds like a culture thing. Parents in the uk generally just get on with it , whereas in other cultures grandparent's spend a lot of time "helping " with the new born. In addition the fa t she doesn't speak the same language becomes another strain how can the new mum express what help she actually would welcome. I can't imagine anything worse than having my mother in law (who I adored!) Helping me when I'm trying to establish myself as a new mum

ExTheCheater · 06/11/2023 15:54

If my MIL who did not speak the same language as me wanted to stay with me for 2 weeks after I'd given birth I'd have probably had a mental breakdown.

momonpurpose · 06/11/2023 16:00

Spareus · 06/11/2023 14:53

No way would I have the MIL move in for 2 weeks when I just had a baby. You and your mum sound like a nightmare.

Right! At the tim I had a wonderful mil and hell no. That's the time you're settling a routine getting use to the new normal etc

diddl · 06/11/2023 16:01

my brother does want us involved even wanted us at the hospital.

Fuck me!

Was he the one giving birth then?

Presumably when he's in for something intimate he'll want all her family there!

Acornsoup · 06/11/2023 16:02

OP it's you, you're the problem it's you. Well it you and you DM. You can not invite yourself to someone else's house at any time.

Particularly not for 2 weeks and just after a birth. It's just not reasonable to put that kind of pressure on someone.

Your brother seems to want to do what is best for his wife and rightly so. In this case it is agreeing with her what is right for her and the baby.

Why do you not have a relationship with DSIL? Why do you want one now?

Go and stay with the relative and when SIL is ready you will be invited. The baby will keep but if you try and bulldoze this then the relationship will be very strained.

SIL is entitled to have her own DM and DS with her. That's her business. If you want to encourage that kind of relays hip shop with her then I suggest you start listening to what she wants and needs.

diddl · 06/11/2023 16:04

My sil and bro got married a year ago, we had never met before they got married.

I mean what is that all about?

PerfectPenquins · 06/11/2023 16:08

Your brother needs to step up here, he is the father and he wants his family involved. Ask him to bring the baby to visit you so both sides of grandparents and aunts and uncles can be a part of the baby's life. Mum can stay at home with her family or do something that makes her happy. My ex would never have allowed me to exclude his family, rightfully so, and I wouldn't want to either.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 06/11/2023 16:09

onlymeandmy · 06/11/2023 11:26

There is some culture clash, but she is from same culture, just cant speak the language. We are an easy going family and haven't put any pressure on her, my brother does want us involved even wanted us at the hospital. We did then once again find out her own sister was at their house with them during the labour.
Traditionally in our culture they should be living with us so it's extra hard on my mother that she is pushing us out and pulling her family in.

Yeah well the custom of having a new daughter-in-law made to live at her parents=in-laws' home whether she wants to or not belongs to the dark ages. There's no new bride now who wants to be sucked into someone else's family home and dynamics and made to feel like she has no control over her life. These transactional traditions eg a DIL is there to cook, clean and be there for her new inlaws are not a part of modern Britain.

PinkPink1 · 06/11/2023 16:14

onlymeandmy · 06/11/2023 11:26

There is some culture clash, but she is from same culture, just cant speak the language. We are an easy going family and haven't put any pressure on her, my brother does want us involved even wanted us at the hospital. We did then once again find out her own sister was at their house with them during the labour.
Traditionally in our culture they should be living with us so it's extra hard on my mother that she is pushing us out and pulling her family in.

my brother does want us involved even wanted us at the hospital

Did your brother give birth? Was he at the hospital as a patient? No.

I'm guessing that you've never given birth. You might think differently about all your in laws visiting you very soon after giving birth when you're stitched up and you're bleeding so heavily from your vagina that you flood your pads and bleed onto the white sheets.

her own sister was at their house with them during the labour

Who would you prefer being with you during labour? Your SIL and MIL or your own mum and sister? The former only care about the baby. The latter care about their close family member and the baby. You're in pain, stressed and half naked.

A woman in labour isn't a chance for a family gathering.