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AIBU?

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Original poster

12 year old still believing the Christmas elves are real

224 replies

Diggingmyselfahole · 05/11/2023 22:29

I feel really bad as I think I ruined one of my pupils Christmas experience the other day.
I tutor a 12 year old girl. As we were packing up for the end of the lesson, she asked me about Christmas and if my Dd was excited, just general Christmas chit chat. I told her yes and that I might start the elves this year but I don’t know if I’ll remember to change the silly thing they’re doing each morning etc. She looked a bit strange then said were they fake elves I was talking about as her mum didn’t move them etc, she looked a bit embarrassed then explained it away that there are some that are real and some that are fake and sort of asked me if that was true? It then dawned on me that she still believed in her parents doing the elves 😳and I felt really bad. I don’t know, by high school, I was getting up to all sorts of naughty things with my pals, I realise all kids are different and it’s great she’s more innocent
Felt really bad, but Aibu to have assumed by 12 she wouldn’t believe in all that still?

OP posts:
Fernsfernsferns · 07/11/2023 10:57

TooManyPlatesInMotion · 07/11/2023 10:40

There are plenty of ways to make/keep the season magical even when the kids have figured it out. My 6 yr old was worked it out, I suspect my 4 year old is about to! Older ds figured it out by about aged 6 too.

Plenty of other "magic" stuff and ways to make it special - connecting with friends and family, special food, the blissful feeling of everything just stopping.

And yes yes to breaking the disconnect between behaviour and gifts while they do still believe.

Agree. I read some suggestion that as they realise / you tell them you take them into your confidence - that now the fun is making the magic for younger kids.

our older one (who wrote a Christmas list of all magic things a couple of years ago as ‘if santa is real he’ll be able to bring me these magic things’)

loves that now. Not very subtle lots of dramatic Shusshing and eye winks when santa comes up around younger ones.

it’s a good way to frame it for kids that have a hard time moving on. Now the magic is in making it feel special for others

Catxxxxxxxxxx · 07/11/2023 11:04

I am a tutor. One of my 13 going on 14yos still believes. You should never assume. Its not your place to spoil it or judge

mayorofcasterbridge · 07/11/2023 11:07

DappledThings · 05/11/2023 22:52

I nearly fucked up this week because I didn't know any child of any age thought it was real. We've never done it but I assumed all children were in on it.

Had DS and his friend (both 7) in the car and DS's friend was talking about how he accidentally touched it but it was an accident so he didn't take away its magic. DS started saying he'd asked for one but Mummy said she wouldn't buy one because it was just another job she'd have to do to move it around. (I did indeed say this). Friend starting asking what he meant about buying one and I had to change the subject.

I would totally assume a 12 year old knew.

I have zero idea what would make you think that. I've never done elf on the shelf either, thank god it wasn't a thing when my kids were young enough.

However, a 12 year old should absolutely know the truth about Christmas etc. They should know by the time they get to secondary school. Mine had all figured it out for themselves long before anyway.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 07/11/2023 11:07

Cinateel · 07/11/2023 05:19

One of my children told me that at age 14 she secretly believed in Father Christmas because she knew we didn't have much money so we couldn't possibly afford all the presents!

I well remember at 7 or 8 staunchly telling non-believing schoolfriends that of course Father Christmas was real - my (usually skint) folks could never have afforded all our stocking presents!

Honeychickpea · 07/11/2023 11:21

ClareBlue · 06/11/2023 00:05

Those saying its magical and lets all keep up the dishonest pretence probably haven't had to deal with children from dysfunctional families who never got anything from Santa and assumed it was because they were bad. Because everything is geared with those stupid elves and generally a visit from Father Christmas to the behaviour of the child. Then children whos life is already telling them they are pretty worthless have it nicely reaffirmed how bad they are when they don't receive any presents.
What's actually magical about children finding out they were being lied to.

I agree. Magical is a strange word to use to describe an elaborate lie designed to control childrens' behavior.

TommyNever · 07/11/2023 11:29

Deliberately trying to maintain a child's belief in magical stuff at that age sounds rather abusive to me. Fortunately most kids aren't that thick.

I don't really remember ever literally believing in Santa etc as a child. I do recall an older boy telling me it was all made up, but I don't recall being at all surprised to hear that.

I had already decided at the age of five that God isn't real, and I remember feeling sorry for grown-ups who believed in such twaddle.

hologramvirus · 07/11/2023 11:33

AHelpfulHand · 05/11/2023 23:14

I do think children these days are believing in this sort of thing for a lot longer.

when I was a kid, Santa was never made a big deal, I stopped believing well before high school.

nowadays Christmas is a lot more extravagant. Santas grottos all over the place, extravagant Christmas events, elf on the shelf etc.

which is all nice etc but it does mean children are believing a lot longer than years ago.

in dds class (year 6) loads still believe in Father Christmas

I think it’s because parents now seem obsessed with their kids believing in it, as otherwise Christmas is not ‘magic’. ( see many posts on here to that effect). Of course the kids believe what their parents tell them.

horseyhorsey17 · 07/11/2023 11:49

Personally, I think the whole idea of pretending to your kids that elves and Santa etc are actually real, rather than just a fun story, is mental. I've never done this with my kids. It just seems really odd - to me - to teach your kids that a lie is real, but I suppose it's no different to telling them that ghosts exist, or God. I don't do that either though!

notahappybunny7 · 07/11/2023 11:53

I do everything “magical”for my child, elf, we’ve been to lapland, loads of Christmas days out, make pancakes into snowmen, the lot. I won’t be devastated when she finds out Santa isn’t real, she’ll have just passed that stage, I’ll enjoy it now.

I grew up with a mum who couldn’t be arsed to do anything fun or special, not going make my kid feel that way.

Mrssheppard18 · 07/11/2023 12:03

I don’t understand all the comments saying they should know by that age, why should they? Let them believe in magic for as long as they like, the worlds a shitty enough place as it is so why take that from them? They’ll grow out of it when they’re ready.

TommyNever · 07/11/2023 12:18

Mrssheppard18 · 07/11/2023 12:03

I don’t understand all the comments saying they should know by that age, why should they? Let them believe in magic for as long as they like, the worlds a shitty enough place as it is so why take that from them? They’ll grow out of it when they’re ready.

Why should they? Because by that age one would expect a child's understanding of the real world to be a good deal more developed than that.

This is one of the important roles of education, especially science education - to teach children about the nature of the real world around them. A 12-year-old who still believes in magic and elves etc is displaying an obvious educational deficit.

Dulra · 07/11/2023 13:45

TommyNever · 07/11/2023 12:18

Why should they? Because by that age one would expect a child's understanding of the real world to be a good deal more developed than that.

This is one of the important roles of education, especially science education - to teach children about the nature of the real world around them. A 12-year-old who still believes in magic and elves etc is displaying an obvious educational deficit.

Show quote history

Plenty of adults believe in "god" pretty much the same thing imo

TheKeatingFive · 07/11/2023 14:50

A 12-year-old who still believes in magic and elves etc is displaying an obvious educational deficit.

Totally disagree with this. Adults believe in all kinds of tosh, it doesn't make them deficient, it just makes them human beings with their own idiosyncrasies.

BodegaSushi · 07/11/2023 15:18

Vick99 · 06/11/2023 22:02

I only realised this week that children actually believe in elf on the shelf - I always thought it was just a bit of fun putting it in funny places. But can anyone enlighten me - do they literally believe the doll is real?? As in, living and breathing? I do have a particularly cynical child but beyond the age of 3 or 4 I just can't imagine he would have bought this!

Toy Story is based on the fact that the toys only come to life when you're not looking, I grew up before Toy Story but watched a short film called The Christmas Toy that had a similar idea when I was about 6, and I believed it then.

BodegaSushi · 07/11/2023 15:21

Ggttl · 07/11/2023 08:08

There is quite a lot about Christmas that many adults believe in that other people wouldn’t.

Agree, but apparently mentioning this 'isn't the same'.

TommyNever · 07/11/2023 15:22

TheKeatingFive · 07/11/2023 14:50

A 12-year-old who still believes in magic and elves etc is displaying an obvious educational deficit.

Totally disagree with this. Adults believe in all kinds of tosh, it doesn't make them deficient, it just makes them human beings with their own idiosyncrasies.

Huh? Believing "all kinds of tosh" is clear evidence that the believer has little understanding of reality. So whatever attempts were made to rationally educate them clearly failed.

For sure, there are still plenty of adults who live in religious fantasy worlds, but that's a tragic situation - a source of many of the world's woes - that hopefully humanity might one day overcome.

JoanOfAllTrades · 07/11/2023 15:29

TheKeatingFive · 07/11/2023 14:50

A 12-year-old who still believes in magic and elves etc is displaying an obvious educational deficit.

Totally disagree with this. Adults believe in all kinds of tosh, it doesn't make them deficient, it just makes them human beings with their own idiosyncrasies.

I hope you don't mean me 😉

I get presents every year from...you know who...and I don't mean He Who Shall Not Be Named, but the erm, stout fella who, on reflection, sounds quite creepy, seeing as he goes into children's bedrooms, and mine, when we are asleep and leaves us presents!

Also, please don't tell me that the, erm, fluffy, big eared, powder puff bum, isn't real. I don't think I could stand the disappointment of not getting an Easter egg in my egg cup on Easter morning 😔.

In fact, this whole thread is ruining my life!!! 😥😢😥

JoanOfAllTrades · 07/11/2023 15:37

Mrssheppard18 · 07/11/2023 12:03

I don’t understand all the comments saying they should know by that age, why should they? Let them believe in magic for as long as they like, the worlds a shitty enough place as it is so why take that from them? They’ll grow out of it when they’re ready.

Or maybe never. Perhaps there is some magic to just believing, or hoping for, that there's something more, somewhere!

Isn't that why we read books, watch films and television, have friends? To make connections? To feel good? We fall in love and it's magical. We have children, it's magical. When our partners come home, or we come home, and our partners are there, it's magical.

TheKeatingFive · 07/11/2023 15:46

For sure, there are still plenty of adults who live in religious fantasy worlds, but that's a tragic situation - a source of many of the world's woes - that hopefully humanity might one day overcome.

I found this book challenged a lot of my thinking and was really interesting. You should give it a go.

The 7 Laws of Magical Thinking: How Irrationality Makes us Happy, Healthy, and Sane https://amzn.eu/d/9hlEzrm

https://amzn.eu/d/9hlEzrm?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-am-i-being-unreasonable-4936545-12-year-old-still-believing-the-christmas-elves-are-real

Frances0911 · 07/11/2023 19:14

I was six. I was pretty smart as a young kid, and realised by that age that it was literally impossible for one man to fly around the world on a sleigh with reindeers in one night, and deliver presents to all the children in the word!

axolotlfloof · 07/11/2023 19:32

My nephew had to told at 12, about Santa's. He cried, but it was better his parents told him than he was humiliated at secondary school.
Sadly my children are not so trusting, and the magic was gone by 8 ish.
You are not unreasonable to assume a 12 y o knows.

meanypegs · 07/11/2023 19:52

@Diggingmyselfahole I think she was having you on, in order to make you feel embarrassed. Grin

likethislikethat · 07/11/2023 20:13

My daughter has never believed, not even when a baby.

It is a daft idea really.

Harls1969 · 07/11/2023 21:33

Missing the point somewhat but I'm just very glad that my kids are now adults and elf on a shelf was not a thing when they were little! I already made a rod for my own back - my eldest got a letter from her tooth fairy when she lost her first tooth. Of course there had to be a letter for every bloody tooth and then her brother also had to have letters too 🤦😂

threatmatrix · 07/11/2023 23:46

IfIcouldchooseagain · 05/11/2023 23:19

Yanbu.

I think it’s sadistic to teach any child that elves are real and that a fat old man sneaks into their bedroom while they sleep. Ridiculous and gives kids weird issues.

i loved it so much I, I also made it magical for my childten, elves in the chimney do if they heard you being naughty they took a present out and put a potato in etc, my children must of loved it as well as they do the same for theirs. You seem to be the weird one. Innocence is wonderful.

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