In tears. How would you handle this? What would you say?

[cantfitanymore]

I'm a complete mess. My mum died earlier this year, very little other family of origin, and I'm struggling with infertility. I don't work apart from a little voluntary work because of the health problem which has fucked my fertility.

DP and I are invited to a fancy celebration party tonight. I can't face it and now I feel like I'm letting poor DP down. They're lovely people in lots of ways but extremely healthy, and very rich due to huge career successes, with a massive extended family and obviously nobody has a perfect life or anything but I can't face them because -

One person in particular will ask me in a loud way if I'm working and what's happening there? I don't know what to say, frankly?

Most of the social small talk will revolve around careers and what their kids are doing and how wonderful the kids are.

I just have no reference points for any of these people and honestly can't think of anything to say to bat away questions about my life? How do people do that?

I can't answer honestly, and say I'm basically in hospital appointments every week and trying to cope with fatigue and my grief is so bad at the moment it's all I can do to not start crying in the street when I see women my age out with their mums. Because that would be a downer at a happy party for happy normal people.

So what would I even say that's socially acceptable and polite and cheerful when nothing about me is cheerful at the moment?

I just wish I still had my mum and my own health was ok, and I was able to be a mum myself. I can't identify with other humans anymore.

Go. The anticipation you're building in your mind will be far worse than the actual event.

You'll be glad you went tomorrow!

You are not in any shape to be going to a party now, would your husband go without you?

I would recommend some bereavement counselling or any therapy to help you through this difficult time. All the best.

I'm having therapy, it's of course helpful but I don't seem to feel any better on a wider scale.

I'm so sorry about your mum. The best way is to turn it around and ask about them. "I'm OK, thanks. How's Ollie getting on at Bristol?" kind of thing. But it is very wearing and I'd find it hard too - I wouldn't really be interested in the reply. I understand what you mean about not having any reference points, but basically what we have in common is that are all humans. The best conversations for me come with complete strangers who we know we'll never see again - we can tell them stuff we wouldn't want to share with people we see often, and learn about their experiences in return. But I can imagine that for you at the moment it might all just be too much. Will your DP understand if you develop a "headache" and don't go?

I think the worst thing you could do is not go. Do a deal with your husband, you give it an hour, and if you’re not feeling up to it you can make your excuses and leave.

I completely get this. We have to go to corporate events for my dh's job. We both absolutely hate it but at least he has stuff to say!

I've found that people aren't actually that interested in you. They are just asking you because it's what you say at these social occasions.

Talk about things that are in the room. I like your dress etc. It's not fascinating but at least it's common ground. Ask about what's been happening with them if you can bear it.

If not then stick with 'it's been a rough year for me'.

You don't owe anyone an explanation of what you are doing in your life. But honestly, that's probably not what they are after. It's just the dreaded small-talk.

I'm in a similar situation and the few times I've gone out and talked to people recently I've been quite honest and just said "everything's shit, honestly". Everybody has said it's the same for them. I've had all sorts of incredibly sorted looking people telling me that their antidepressants aren't strong enough and they are struggling with bereavement and they just feel like a total mess.

So I think you'd be okay.

Having said that, if you want to just stay in and talk to us then that is totally fine too. I'm not going anywhere.

I agree with @PissOffKen
I often feel down on myself and find it hard to show my face at social events. But often when I do there are one or two kind people, or nice interactions which made me feel glad I went.

I would worry that by not going, you keep thinking that these events aren't meant for you. But it would probably be nice to have you there. I feel a little sad that lots of my single or childless friends don't come to my parties since I've had children. I'd love to see them!

The best way is to turn it around and ask about them. "I'm OK, thanks. How's Ollie getting on at Bristol?" kind of thing

Thank you, yes exactly, normally I can do this with ease. Honestly I just feel like I can't anymore though.

I feel subhuman, I'm just in so much pain all the time, and being around other people exaggerates the differences.

You don’t have to answer uncomfortable questions. You can avoid them. Even if it’s saying, ’I won’t bore you with it as there’s not much to tell. But tell me all about your wonderful xyz.’ I mean, generally people can read body language and cues well enough to know when somebody doesn’t want to volunteer information. Or, tell them you are volunteering and will start working when the right job comes up at the right time but for now you’re really enjoying the volunteering (and bang on about it before turning the topic back to them). Or, arrive feeling ‘unwell’, say you didn’t want to let anyone down, look a bit ill when the questions start and say you’re having problems concentrating and then leave early.

I think you should go if you can, at least for an hour. I like the suggestion of another person about being honest that it's been shit, then ask questions about them. I really wish you all the best.

I would steer the conversation away from "personal" small talk completely and on to neutral or impersonal ground. So no asking about families or careers as those are understandably triggering points for you.

Read a good book? Seen a good film? What are you watching on TV? Seen anything unusual on a walk recently? Where do you want to go on holiday next year? What do you think of ChatGPT? Isn't it nice that sheep got rescued? Watercooler subjects that aren't about you or them.

I'd also ask for my partner's support in terms of steering conversations and giving you outs if you need to take a moment outside or even bailing early.

I can't be honest and say it's been shit though. It's a celebration party for a wonderful life event in one of the family's lives, I can't say anything as it won't fit the correct tone for the party.

I can just imagine me saying "oh honestly, I've had a rough time this year" or somesuch. They would just avert their eyes and then start talking to someone else, and I'd be left there staring into space by myself with rising panic that I've said the wrong thing - there would be palpable disapproval that I've said something awkward and crossed a boundary.

I think it's different, and you can be honest when it's people who are your actual friends, maybe?

You aren't sub-human because you've got health issues and your mum has died. I'm not going to armchair diagnose you...but I can tell you that you aren't less than anyone because those things have happened. Or in any way.

There's plenty of people who don't work for various reasons.

I agree with the poster who says go and make an arrangement with your dh that you will leave if you need to.

Read a good book? Seen a good film? What are you watching on TV? Seen anything unusual on a walk recently? Where do you want to go on holiday next year? What do you think of ChatGPT? Isn't it nice that sheep got rescued? Watercooler subjects that aren't about you or them.

These would all be great and I could handle this sort of small talk.

It definitely wouldn't work here though. We are in USA (not American though) and I find the questions very direct, which normally is fine and refreshing even, but now I can't deal with it.

Actually come to think of it it is one very particular person who grills me like that to the point it is uncomfortable.

@ConspicuouslyDifferent can more people at parties be like you please? What good advice x

After my dad died, I initially took a year off which then turned into a few years. I too had the awkward questions etc but I always batted it away and said I was taking a sabbatical. People were for some reason more accepting of this reason than if I said I'm feeling shite because my dad died. People are weird, mainly socially awkward and don't know what else to say to a grieving person.

I also found it helped to do a few short online remote courses via Open Learn and my local college. The structure helped me through my bad days, it gave me something else to focus on. Could you do similar?

Is there anyone you know who could have a word with this person and tell them back the hell off?

Only you can anticipate whether you are likely to feel better or worse for going OP. Some people can be crashingly nosy/judgemental at these kinds of events, but you never know, you might meet someone interesting and lovely like @ConspicuouslyDifferent and have a great chat with someone who genuinely gets it.

I’m very sorry to hear about your mum, poor you. I definitely wouldn’t go to a party if I felt like you. Put yourself first, look after yourself and take care. x

That sounds really tough OP! Sorry you're having a hard time. Could you try something like this when asked how you are...

'actually I've been having a bit of a tough time at the moment with losing my mum and some health problems but I don't want to dwell on that tonight; how is X going for you?'

I feel like this is polite and let's people know what's going on but it should also let them know you'd rather not talk about yourself right now.

I hope you do go and have a nice time!

Bring a board game and play it with whoever is interested as soon as dinner is over. Claim board games are your new hobby. Social interaction with no discussion of personal lives, money, religion or politics. There’s a reason they are undergoing a bit of a revival at the moment.

Honestly, make your excuses and don't go. If you can't face small talk and are not in the place for it then give yourself a break. I hated shit like this when I was struggling with infertility and participating in such events made my mental health worse. Focus on things that make you feel good, not rubbish. I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through OP and I hope things look up soon.

Don’t bother with a party till you feel stronger.

Also ask questions so they do all the talking - what’s Santa bringing you for Xmas? Where are you going on holiday? Favourite recipes or foods, cooking abilities? The weather? Nicknames? What’s in the news?

When I lost my mum when people asked how I was I would tell them - I’m broken and grieve so badly it hurts. People would either open up or sympathise. Most people have some shit going on despite what it looks like on face value - when you are honest other people tend to feel less judged and often open up and connect x