In tears. How would you handle this? What would you say?

[cantfitanymore]

I'm a complete mess. My mum died earlier this year, very little other family of origin, and I'm struggling with infertility. I don't work apart from a little voluntary work because of the health problem which has fucked my fertility.

DP and I are invited to a fancy celebration party tonight. I can't face it and now I feel like I'm letting poor DP down. They're lovely people in lots of ways but extremely healthy, and very rich due to huge career successes, with a massive extended family and obviously nobody has a perfect life or anything but I can't face them because -

One person in particular will ask me in a loud way if I'm working and what's happening there? I don't know what to say, frankly?

Most of the social small talk will revolve around careers and what their kids are doing and how wonderful the kids are.

I just have no reference points for any of these people and honestly can't think of anything to say to bat away questions about my life? How do people do that?

I can't answer honestly, and say I'm basically in hospital appointments every week and trying to cope with fatigue and my grief is so bad at the moment it's all I can do to not start crying in the street when I see women my age out with their mums. Because that would be a downer at a happy party for happy normal people.

So what would I even say that's socially acceptable and polite and cheerful when nothing about me is cheerful at the moment?

I just wish I still had my mum and my own health was ok, and I was able to be a mum myself. I can't identify with other humans anymore.

@cantfitanymore I've not read all the comments so sorry if someone else has said this already, but you mentioned feeling like you're "subhuman". That feeling of being disconnected from people is a bit sign of depression (so my counsellor told me). It sounds like you've had a hell of a time, so look after yourself.

I removes myself socially because of different struggles. Its very difficult to then fit back in.

@WhatsCookingFlora she shouldn't have to use stock phrases if she doesn't want to go she should be able to stay home without feeling guilty.

This, you are grieving, there's no excuss needed because you are grieving and healing from losing your mum.

Do what you need to do, your DH will understand.

Take care and look after yourself.

Empathetic messages like this help me. They make me reflect when I think that I'm the worst and everyone else is managing better and knows life things I don't.

My mum died last year. I couldn’t face sport day six months down the line, I’ve missed all sorts of social and work events because I felt anxious in crowds and you feel so vulnerable especially if you’re not sure which ways your emotions are going to swing that particular day.

in your shoes OP, be kind to yourself and give it a miss. You’re not ready and that’s ok. Hugs ❤️

Don't go.

In past times, there was a convention of being officially 'in mourning' for about a year after a family bereavement - and part of the reason for that was that you wouldn't be expected to go to jolly events where you'd have to be cheerful, indeed it would have been a faux pas to ask someone in mourning to a party.

I'm not saying we should go back to that practice, and some people cope better with loss if they continue their social lives as normally as possible - there's no right or wrong way - but what I mean is that there was a valid reason for the tradition and being in mourning, or grieving, is a perfectly good reason not to go.

I am sorry for your loss and for your poor health and hope things feel better soon.

There are lots of good tips on the thread but mostly and for the future I think you need to focus on things you can talk about:

Read a new book
Go to a gallery
Keep tabs on the news
See a new film/play
Go to a concert

All of those things will give you something to talk about but most importantly, they will always give you a focus and hopefully help your joie de vivre. I used to do the above when I wasn't working and had to accompany DH to functions. It gave me something other than the children/home/holidays to talk about. Frankly if that's all this crowd discuss, they're a bunch of bore chores anyway.

I would definitely NOT go. It would be torture!

Do what's right for you. Put yourself first.

Find people that you have something in common with, like a hobby, and make some friends who aren't involved in your family or your health; just people who bring out a different side of you and like you for who you are.

Wishing you all the very best ❤️

Too late as you decided not to go (the right choice, imo!), but I wanted to recommend a book called Wintering – not about grief per se (when my mother died, had someone recommended me grief books I’d have spit on them. The person not the books), but about hibernation seasons of our lives. We all have them and it’s important to recognise that wintering is a legitimate, healthy thing to do when life gets overwhelming. It’s healthier, imo, to treat oneself kindly – and when you’re grieving you are made out of glass – than it is to pour your energy into putting a face on it. Many of the replies here for the rude interrogator person are great but they require a lot of energy and reserve, and if there’s one thing grieving and poorly people don’t have it’s energy and reserve.

Have a wintering. There will be a spring.

I agree with doing a deal to leave early-ish if it is too awful.

Then....practice posture. Google Alexander technique. Stand as if your head is suspended and everything below relaxes into position. It gives you something to think about when facing strangers, and my experience is that then even if you are standing on your own people come up to you.

The shut down unwelcome topics quickly but politely. "I am having some health issues...how are your children/aunt/dog." People like talking about themselves so use it as a skills exercise. Make encouraging noises. Ideally keep things to areas you are interested in. If you are finding the contrast between your circumstances and other people's success overwhelming, you may find someone confiding that they are completely exhausted or that they barely see their husband etc. As children leave home I am seeing a spate of divorces amongst people I know. A lot of people were unhappy for a long time. People don't really want to know how successful you are, but will be very happy to chat to a kind and empathetic person.

I wouldn't go to the party OP. It will be fine. Tell DH to go without you. Look after yourself and do something nice for yourself, a TV programme you like or similar.

I see you have decided not to go, which of course is fine.

I would like to advise that you stop “othering” yourself though. You are completely normal. There is nothing remarkable about your situation. I mean that with kindness. You are not the only person to have lost a parent. You are not the only person struggling with infertility and you are not the only person to be chronically ill. Those are completely average, common, normal things to be dealing with. Utter shitty, but normal. To think no one could possibly relate or understand is silly. Being wealthy doesn’t stop your parents dying and it doesn’t make you fertile or immune to illness.

A breezy “Oh that’s a bit of a difficult subject at the moment so let’s talk about you! How are the kids/work/that holiday you went on?” would suffice if you could face attending, but if not people would understand and honestly, likely not be too bothered. It really isn’t worth worrying about and certainly don’t make yourself more miserable by thinking you are different to everyone else. There will be someone at that party who has/is/will experience everything you are. For a start they will all lose their parents for sure!

They're not successful if all they have to discuss is their job and the lives of their children. They don't have anything going on of themselves! Life's too short for vacuous conversation that doesn't warm you or make a connection. Leave them to their reflections of other people's lives.

Love it @Conkersinautumn also they are not socially successful or socially skilled if they ask jarring, loud, pointed questions.

Others with more refined social skills with notice this person and wince.

Good social / hosting manners require behaviours to ensure all guests feel comfortable in any situation. This person doesn’t have these skills or manners.

Ask your hubby to go out with out you and just say you are not feeling well.
He should do this for you without making you feel remotely guilty

Put your needs at the centre of this.

Don't worry about anyone else or your husband. Leave it open (if you can) and see if you do feel like going - and only for you - even if at the last minute and just for 10 minutes because there is one person you do like to see (for example) then put things in place that will support that.

If you know you can't face it, that is fine too. Don't go but stay at home and do something else to soothe yourself. Don't beat yourself up about 'failing' to go etc. There is no gain in forcing yourself through a social event if you aren't ready for it.

It is really hard to strongly and effectively advocate for our mental health etc. but so very important.

Of course it's totally fine not to go! Can't believe people are telling you to go even though you are feeling terrible. Put yourself first on this occasion.

I do think some pp are right and even though these people look like they have perfect lives, a large proportion will be on anti depressants, have abusive spouses etc. I find that when I am a little bit honest about my own problems people do tell me a lot of stuff I would never have guessed. But that is for occasions when you have some privacy - not sitting around a restaurant table. And makes no difference to your current feelings.

I don't see how going will benefit you - it won't change any of your current problems and it doesn't sound like you will enjoy it

I’m so sorry for your loss. And yes, I remember the awful trying to make an effort to be “normal” after DH died. And the trouble is to us it seems ages since we talked to the person we lost yet their loss seems like yesterday —- but no one else sees it that way. People think you’re “ over it” in weeks or a few months ( if only that were true)
I developed an act. I got a job for just 3 hours a day and couldn’t cry ( with children) so for that 3 hours it was sheer pretence, acting. The upside is it’s carried on. I can turn on the act at any time , look interested, look jolly.
It’s sad but we have to learn to live with loss, it’s the only way to carry on. I don’t know if it’ll help you but developing my act ( and I deserved a bloody Oscar on some occasions) really helped me.
( you don’t have to go and work with kids!!! but start at the shops, when you’re volunteering and so on)

Really sorry for everything you are going through, OP.

My view is that the best thing about being an adult is you really don't have to do things you don't want to. Why should you go and make yourself miserable by listening to other people yammer on about their wonderful, successful lives? It sounds like a dreadful way to spend an evening. Even good social occasions with people you like are a trial when you are bereaved, and it sounds like this is a social occasion where you don't even like the people that much.

Much better to stay at home, wrap yourself in a heated blanket, listen to some nice music, read a good book or watch tv and have a nice glass of wine/cup of hot chocolate.

Can’t really process someone recommending the OP take a board game…

A board game.

I'm glad you did not go OP. I can't believe people were telling you to!

You are clearly not in the headspace. Its ok not to go.

I can only think those telling you to go have an extreme like of empathy for what you are going though.

Now is not the time to party. Stay in, eat chocolate, watch stand up comedy on Netflix. Socialise with non-parents if you can.

When I was ttc with infertility I would burst into tears at the most random times, often triggered by other people’s easy pregnancies or even just the sight of a baby bird. All the invitations to baby showers and the constant “Do you think you’ll have a baby?” from people on their third child was too much to cope with. I did ditch some friends, starting with the one who used to greet me with “Are you pregnant yet?!” Everytime I saw her.

The good news is the tearfulness doesn’t last forever. You learn to live with the grief but it takes a long time. Infertility is a particularly cruel grief because it isn’t one incident that you then move past, it’s a crushing defeat every month. It is perfectly normal that you aren’t feeling like partying with successful lucky parents.

I wish you all the best.

Honestly, I have suffered infertility and losses. Don’t go. Feign illness if you have to. You need to protect your mental health at this time and sometimes withdrawing is actually better. A party is just not worth it, to potentially be exposed and hurt further. I’m sure your dh will understand, mine did . Big hugs happy to chat on private message if you need more support

I know OP isn't going, but I think the occasion itself matters - it's different if it's fil's 80th or third cousin's bar mitzvah.
And there is no way everyone else is leading a perfect life. Their pain might be further below the surface, but it'll be there.