In tears. How would you handle this? What would you say?

[cantfitanymore]

I'm a complete mess. My mum died earlier this year, very little other family of origin, and I'm struggling with infertility. I don't work apart from a little voluntary work because of the health problem which has fucked my fertility.

DP and I are invited to a fancy celebration party tonight. I can't face it and now I feel like I'm letting poor DP down. They're lovely people in lots of ways but extremely healthy, and very rich due to huge career successes, with a massive extended family and obviously nobody has a perfect life or anything but I can't face them because -

One person in particular will ask me in a loud way if I'm working and what's happening there? I don't know what to say, frankly?

Most of the social small talk will revolve around careers and what their kids are doing and how wonderful the kids are.

I just have no reference points for any of these people and honestly can't think of anything to say to bat away questions about my life? How do people do that?

I can't answer honestly, and say I'm basically in hospital appointments every week and trying to cope with fatigue and my grief is so bad at the moment it's all I can do to not start crying in the street when I see women my age out with their mums. Because that would be a downer at a happy party for happy normal people.

So what would I even say that's socially acceptable and polite and cheerful when nothing about me is cheerful at the moment?

I just wish I still had my mum and my own health was ok, and I was able to be a mum myself. I can't identify with other humans anymore.

I don’t think you should pressure yourself to go, it’s completely reasonable when you’re struggling to not go.

I am so sorry for all you’re going through, I wish I could give you a big hug x

OP you are completely normal, this is a totally normal way to feel given what you have been, & are going, through. If you do not feel up to this, then don't go - it's perfectly okay. You don't mention DP in detail so presumably he understands (if he didn't then I assume you'd mention it) & is supporting you.

Events like this can be exhausting at the best of times & you do not sound like you have that energy to give to others & why should you? You need it, every last drop!

I don't have my advice other than what PPs have said wisely. Options:
1/ don't go, your DH will understand and it's ok to miss an event. You're having a Pretty awful time
2/ go with caveats (an escape route, a time limit)
3/ go and be ready for the one person who does the grilling - let's be fair thay probably do this to everyone as a means of control and/or they don't have confidence in their ability to socialise. It is genuinely fine to say. Things have been a bit difficult health wise so I'm taking it day by day. Now tell me about your whatever

I'd also like to say though that I'm sending my love . I've avoided all my friends for the last 4 months due to a mental health breakdown and some other issues relating to my child. Like you I feel / felt sub human, unable to find a common ground and just like I'd cry at the first glimmer of a conversation that strayed beyond 'oh nice coffee'. I don't know what I do next but whatever it is I have to be able to start saying, no I'm not really ok and not try to package everything up nearly for everyone elae

Go. You have imagined scenarios. You're anxiety is stopping you having fun and driving a wedge between you and your dh

Defect any questions you don't want to answer. Just say "oh that's boring how are you ..Still working at ...?

People are far more open in the US IME. It's totally fine to say, "sure, it's been a challenging year, but enough about me, did you get that promotion you went for?"
You're not bringing down the tone of a party. People don't have to be happy 100% of the time at a celebration (in fact that would be very weird).
But if you're not up to it, that's fine too. Although I suppose by this time, you're either there or decided you're not going.

The key to all of the following is a warm, bright tone with just a touch of formality that tells people you don't want any follow-up questions. One way to do this is to make sure that at the end of the sentence, your tone goes down slightly which gives what you've said a sense of finality and confidence, rather than up slightly, which can indicate uncertainty and openness to more questions.

"Oh, we've had a few ups and downs this year but we're getting through. How is your son doing settling back into the new school year?"

If they ask what you mean by ups and downs: "Oh, I wouldn't want to bring things down on a happy occasion like this, but let me assure you we're fine. Let's talk about what you're planning for Christmas instead!"

As someone said previously, talk about the rewards you find in your volunteer work. If someone is so rude as to demand to know when you're going to get an actual job, smile sweetly and say, "This suits us fine so no plans to change things right now."

If someone asks about when you're having children: "Well, that's a difficult question to answer, but when the time is right, I guess."

If someone is so extra-extra rude as to ask if you've been having difficulties (without adding that they had a very hard time themselves so can understand what it's like), just say, "We have, and it is very difficult I'd rather not talk about it. I'm sure you understand. Where did you get that lovely necklace? I've been admiring it while we've been chatting."

Last resort, you can always ask if they know where the bathroom is and then go hide out for 10 minutes.

This

i wouldn’t go. Why should you have to put on a fake smile to make fake chit chat with people who don’t care enough to ask how you really are?

Don't go. Do the things that make you feel better even if just a good book and a hot chocolate. Completely understandable to give this a miss.

OP, I am so sorry you are struggling so much. Be kind to yourself and just thank them for the invitation and just say you are unwell and not able to join them on this occasion. It is ok to do that. Don't put yourself through unnecessary pain.
The first couple of years after my son died, a few friends kindly invited us to their homes for Christmas. It was kindly meant, but I just thanked them and politely declined. It was all ok.

It’s great to see some tips here for fielding unwanted questions.

They could be useful for the future, but I wouldn’t worry about going this time. You’re not being held back by social anxiety, you are grieving and unwell. You deserve to be in an environment that feels as secure and comfortable as you can make it.

Go to the party.
Get out and about. You will never make close friends if you do not share a little of your frailties with others. Remember they are making polite conversation too and many wealthy successful people have had illness and infertility problems.

It is okay to be poor, unemployed, sick or different and all those people know that. The more you hide out , the more you make people who are like you feel that they need to forgo healthy social occasions. You don't need riches; you need friends - so go along and relax.

Be ready to see the best in others, compliment others, see a funny side to situations and enjoy the company of your partner.

Imagined scenarios?

I may be a bit thick here, but what bit is my imagination?

Let's rewind this a bit...you say you are a volunteer. Volunteering is work. Useful, valid and necessary work. Our country would fall apart without volunteers.
My advice is to say this: 'Yes, I'm working at XXX right now. It's such a marvellous organisation you know. Actually, we're crying out for volunteers right now, I'm sure you'd really enjoy it!' They'll soon change the subject!

Sorry you are having a crap time, grief is just bloody horrible, & for me with that & relationship breakdown & a big work issue & court case, my lord I've had the absolute worst year of my life.

I can't offer any advice for the party, but I'm pretty direct, I've simply said something like I'm. missing my mum like I've actually lost half of my body & you don't need to see a grown man cry on public, then deflect with a inappropriate joke like & the biggest pain is I've even had to stop my favourite hobby of weekend murdering, as I'm worried interpol will get my DNA from my tears.

But that's me, chin up mate, I'm seeing glimmers of light at the end of my own dark tunnel & it's perhaps trite & glib but even after the worst winter storms there are always warm sunny days, they just might be some time away.

It is okay to be poor, unemployed, sick or different and all those people know that

Well, of course it is ok I suppose. It's not much fun though, not in and of itself, and it certainly is not fun for me being around people who are all living their best 1% lives with their big extended families and Ivy League networks and perfect health and perfect children.

There's just no shared zone of understanding.

Be kind to yourself. I asked a lady at a party what she does the other day and she told me she doesnt work due to cronic fatigue. I said that sounded really hard and we talked about it for a bit, then moved on to other topics. I promise you that there was no judgement at all, why would there be? I felt nothing but admiration for her. I'm not saying you have to disclose your medical problems or talk about them, but good people do not judge the employment status of others like that.

I mean you are imagining what they're going to say to you etc.

You're pre empting actions abd thoughts abd becoming anxious about Conversations and situations that might not happen

In your current situation, I would stay home. I'm hoping your DP would be supportive of you doing what's best for you right now?

He can just excuse you when he arrives as "feeling unwell", or something.

When I feel like you do right now, I just need to stay home. I cannot face being out in public or conversing in chit chat with anyone.

Be kind to yourself, take the pressure off yourself and stay home.

I'm not imagining.

There is a particular person present who loves to loudly, in front of the rest of the table, ask me a couple of pointed questions about my career and lack thereof.

See also - uncomfortable questions about my dead mother's estate.

It is okay to be poor, unemployed, sick or different and all those people know that.

@user1492757084 Some people can be pretty obnoxious about it if you can't work. My aunt definitely didn't know that or see it as ok, hence sometimes I would get the 'interrogation.'

How do you know these people?

If i was dealing with everything that you're dealing with, I would expect my DH to bend over backwards to try to understand how to support me in my decisions. It's not your responsibility as a woman to make decisions that work for everyone around you. They should work for you too. You don't sound ready for a party OP.

OP, I am sorry to hear about your mother. My condolences.

About the party. You have my sympathy.
My situation is not the same as yours, but I want to commiserate about not wanting to talk about oneself right now.
I was studying at university to enter a certain profession. A pretty high profile one. Many years of study.
For different reasons I have not reached my goal. I am pretty sad about this.
Everyone seem to remember that I was studying to enter that certain profession. They ask "Weren't you supposed to become a ...?" "What happened?"
They mean well, and they care about me, but I really don't want to talk about why I haven't reached that goal.
So I have to dodge questions about it, and am always trying to turn the conversation around to be about the other person instead, which is possible sometimes, but not always.
It's hard sometimes, when it feels like everyone is so succesful.

Good people don't, but sadly there are many who would.

Sounds like there is a lady in-particular who would cause OP some discomfort if she went.

Anyway, I decided I wasn't going. DP is completely on board, and will be ok. I mean we both wish things were a little different, and I was looking forward to going to events like this...but now isn't the time, I think.

Thank you everyone for your suggestions of how to smoothly deflecting the questions. Even though I'm not going to this thing tonight, I'm making notes of all the clever replies and remarks so I have them in mind going forwards.

You have given me some really great ideas of how to do things, so honestly thank you so much for that!