In tears. How would you handle this? What would you say?

[cantfitanymore]

I'm a complete mess. My mum died earlier this year, very little other family of origin, and I'm struggling with infertility. I don't work apart from a little voluntary work because of the health problem which has fucked my fertility.

DP and I are invited to a fancy celebration party tonight. I can't face it and now I feel like I'm letting poor DP down. They're lovely people in lots of ways but extremely healthy, and very rich due to huge career successes, with a massive extended family and obviously nobody has a perfect life or anything but I can't face them because -

One person in particular will ask me in a loud way if I'm working and what's happening there? I don't know what to say, frankly?

Most of the social small talk will revolve around careers and what their kids are doing and how wonderful the kids are.

I just have no reference points for any of these people and honestly can't think of anything to say to bat away questions about my life? How do people do that?

I can't answer honestly, and say I'm basically in hospital appointments every week and trying to cope with fatigue and my grief is so bad at the moment it's all I can do to not start crying in the street when I see women my age out with their mums. Because that would be a downer at a happy party for happy normal people.

So what would I even say that's socially acceptable and polite and cheerful when nothing about me is cheerful at the moment?

I just wish I still had my mum and my own health was ok, and I was able to be a mum myself. I can't identify with other humans anymore.

And honestly of you walk into a specialist board game shop and say you need a game or two suitable for a family party so you don’t have to talk about your life they will have you all sorted in about 20minutes :) They usually have excellent knowledge of how long games should take, which games work well with smaller/larger groups, which games require a lot of effort to understand before you can enjoy playing and which games are generally picked up easily. There are cooperative games which are nice if you want to avoid people getting too competitive.

It's not the right timing for you to be partying and do NOT feel bad about this! Send your husband, he'll be quite capable of saying that you're having a rough time right now.

But going forward here's the ammunition for the "job" questions from rude-nosy-person. Huge smile, wave it away with your hand dismissively. Yes, I'm still working! But I don't want to be boring and talk about work! Tell me how you've been. Did you end up redoing your patio like you planned? (Or add whatever random thing you know they were talking about last time you saw them.)

People, even rude and nosy ones, are usually very interested in thinking or talking about themselves and often they will not even realise you made the conversation all about them. And if they continue, pull a thin smile, pause in silence, then say, Sorry, excuse me, ladies room. (then leave the room).

Bring a board game to a glam restaurant in Manhattan? Would people do this in London these days, if board games are getting a revival? I have heard of board game bars, that's it though.

This sounds like it would simply draw attention to me tbh, though I see what you mean about how playing games could be good for interacting without discussing certain things. However it's not something I could do.

I understand how you feel OP, I lost my DM earlier this year plus going through a divorce and selling my house. I just can't be arsed to make polite conversation with people (apart from close friends, who already know my circumstances).
If I was feeling as raw as you, I'd definitely not go and I'd be disappointed with 'DH' if he insisted or guilt tripped me (not saying he is).
Why should you plaster a smile on your face to please others. If anything, going will make you feel worse about yourself.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. Your husband knows what you are going through, he will understand. I've been where you are and never regretted not going tbh. I've missed a couple or weddings because of it and I don't feel bad about saying no. Take the pressure off and look after yourself. You're doing all the right things to get yourself well and maybe ducking out on this one is part of it. Grief is all consuming but there's no map and sometimes you can only survive literally minute to minute💐It won't always be like this 🙏🏻

Don’t bring a board game that’s the oddest suggestion I’ve ever heard.

when asked about job, just say oh I’m doing some volunteering right now, and reassessing, leave it there.

no one will ask anything else. Folks are too interested in themselves, and always think they are or will be the topic of convo.

i am sorry you’re going through this, 💐

so sorry for your loss.

I can totally relate to this OP. Different set of circumstances but I’m feeling really down at the moment because lots of things have happened all at once. It’s exhausting ‘putting on a face’ and making small talk when you feel like shit. Sometimes it does us good to push ourselves and we are glad we did, other times we need to listen to ourselves and look after ourselves.

If you really don’t want to go and you are sure it won’t do you good could you;

• say you have a headache/migraine
• let your DH know you are feeling this way and why.
• or just say you don’t want to go - that’s ok.

if you decide to brave it then you could;

• avoid the interrogator as much as possible.
• ask them lots of questions ‘oh my life isn’t exciting at the moment, tell me about - listen for five mins then need the loo.
• be direct with them ‘to be honest, I really don’t want to talk about me and my life at the moment.
• if you are feeling very direct; ‘you ask so many questions that it feels like an interrogation! Enough already!’

If you don’t go then plan a lovely evening for yourself. So sorry you are having such a tough time. 💐

If you don't feel like you can face that kind of socialising, then really - give yourself permission for some self-care and don't go! Just be honest with your DH as to the reason why.

Sorry for your loss 🌷

I don't think I would go OP. x But you could plan a drink/meal with your partner soon so you do get out, if you feel it might do you good.

I know what you mean about the work thing, as I can't work myself. I usually lie TBH.

I understand how you feel. Lost both my parents, now medically retired and have been unable to have children. There are a few ways to go, I say I’m medically retired that often helps change the conversation to something else.

Also it’s absolutely ok to say you’re having a tough time, why should you feel bad for what you’ve been through. I’m a huge fan of staying home and away from people. I do occasionally venture out and hate being asked the question “so what do you do….”

The other option and I suppose only works if they aren’t people you know, make up some fantastic job or something completely fantastical like biscuit engraver and enjoy telling a random story.

Whatever you do just make sure you do what you want, don’t be forced to go and feel rubbish if staying at home is what you need.

You've been through a devastating year. I suffered with a decade of infertility only shortly after losing my Mum, who meant the world to me. It was a horrendous time.

I'm not going to add to the advice given on this thread, other than to say do what you feel is best for you. But I wanted to share that someone else out here 'gets' it, and I'm so sorry you've been dealt such a painful double-whammy of grief.

Jobs and children do not make the woman. You are worth as much as the next person. Don't ever tell yourself - or let anyone tell you - otherwise 🌹

just read your other comments and really think that if it’s a jolly life event party, plus that awful interrogator person, then maybe give yourself a break and stay at home? When my mum died I felt totally unsociable — maybe save any socialising energy you have for actual friends not your OH’s colleagues.

I completely relate about the grief and how hard it is to see other people getting on with their lives oblivious to the pain in yours. I used to see mums and daughters shopping together and seethe at the unfairness. I thought i must be mad until my sister said she hated people who still had their mum. She didn’t of course, I didn’t seethe forever either, it’s just the anger of grief finding its way out. it will get easier in time. You have other things to process as well — there is no shame in shielding yourself from unnecessary additional strain.

If this person demands to know whether you’re working then smile, wave your hand and say ‘oh let’s not talk about something so mundane on such a happy occasion. Isn’t it wonderful that this lovely thing has happened? And what a beautifully decorated room. I do like your a, b or c, where did you get it?’ And have DH ready by your side, poised to change the subject or sweep you away to introduce you to someone. Or ‘lots of irons in the fire, can’t say too much at the moment as I don’t want to jinx anything but all positive. What’s going on with you?’ Just fob them off and turn every question back to them, before escaping as quickly as you can.

Sorry, I missed that it was in a glam restaurant.
Not quite the right environment I agree. But it is a strategy that works well for dinners/parties in people’s homes or in bars/pubs that aren’t too busy.

If they are comfortable about asking you questions in a straight (American?) way, then be comfortable answering in a straight American way back OP.

And THEN steer the convo away from you.

''I'm taking life gently, as it's been a rough few months. Sometimes you have to put yourself first, you know? ..... so ..... hows x y z ? ''.

Also, obviously, ask DH to help you avoid the worst offenders for grilling you.

I think you should go. Even if it's for, for example, 2 hours. And then at a secified time you and DH meet and leave together.

You'll feel a sense of achievement afterwards and that you have a strategy to cope with life.

I don’t see anything wrong with saying that you’re having a difficult time at the moment so let’s talk about other things, then ask them something about themselves.

specified

Explain your voluntary work and why it's important to you. No-one should dismiss this and neither should you.

Emotionally I was in a very similar space as you and was finding intrusive questioning from certain people too painful.

I had a baby shower and a christening coming up and was suicidal due to childlessness. I felt I had to do the "right" thing and go. Thankfully my counsellor and a relative who is a psychiatrist both pointed out that the right thing to do for me was not to go and that I had every right to stay home, have a cry and look after myself. Not letting my emotions out and trying to put on a brave face was killing me. Part of healing was to release the emotions in safe ways (ie around safe people) and stop masking and to put myself first for the first time ever.

The attitude that we have societally of forcing people to put on a brave face and essentially lie when they are in immense emotional pain is hugely damaging. So is what quite often is a lie of "you'll feel much better if you go"...sometimes some idiot will say something stupid and make things worse. We can't predict other people's behaviour.

You aren't letting your husband down by not going. And him going alone may help insensitive relatives to be careful with intrusive questions or comments in the future, if they realise you are struggling.

It's nearly 5 years on for me and I'm generally fine with the things that used to trigger me around babies etc. I didn't become some sort of recluse by missing a few social events. There's no shame in doing what you have to.

And I'm so sorry for the pain you are currently going through, I hope you find healing and peace and have good support around you. You won't always feel this low, I promise. You're stronger and more amazing than you realise, one day you'll be able to see that. But for now, take some time to grieve and let it all out. Be as kind as you can to yourself, we're all rooting for you on here x

Don't go. You are not ready. Completely normal way to feel.

OP I'm so sorry you're going through such a tough time - it must be extremely hard and very overwhelming for you right now.

All I will say though is that I had quite bad PND with my first child. Pills and psychotherapy didn't help, but what did was pushing myself to socialise as much as possible, as it stopped me focusing on myself.

I'm not a naturally sociable person, but that was my most social year I think. I never talked about PND and was just interested in other people's lives and engaged with that.

So maybe going to this party might be a good thing in the end for you

Hi OP, fortunately a lot of us here are British so have ALL SORTS of stock phrases to cover you!

1. For 'How are you?' or questions about health a. "Oh you know, can't complain. Tell me about you/ children/pets/wife/business (continue to ask them all about themselves and open ended questions and therefore the bulk of the conversational work. If you're stuck for a topic literally run through the alphabet - A: animals (pets) B - books (reading anything at the moment? C - children etc.) b. "Oh you know, we soldier on (and as above)"

1. For questions about work:

a. "Oh you know, just enjoying being a lady of leisure! I'm very boring, I'm afraid" (then as above - people love to talk about themselves) b. "Yes, still fun-employed! Enough about me (Then as above)" c. "Yes, playing it by ear for now (Then as above)"

If they're persistent and fire rapid questions, it's fine to laugh and make a joke about the Spanish inquisition or ask if they'd like a desk lamp to shine in your face while the questioning continues or similar! AGAIN, immediately followed by "enough about me. Tell me about X, Y Z".

It's also fine to cry off. Though you may feel better if you go and get through an hour or two treating it like a social experiment, seeing what works best.

I'm sorry, it sounds like you're having a really tough time. Having standard phrases and a plan of generic conversational topics at your fingertips can help (and is literally why the stock phrases exist).

I think you need to find a circle of people with similar experiences to you, not sure where but perhaps a support group for your illness or chronic pain or medical infertility? You need to socialize but not feel under pressure to be happy and positive.

Please don't think that people looking shiny and nice means they have a great lives though they could also be experiencing bereavement, domestic abuse, affairs, cancer scares, children being bullied etc etc etc

OP, be kind to yourself, you are going through a tough time. Don't go if you feel it's something you can't cope with or agree to just see how it goes and leave if you need to. I have gone to social occasions at times when I have been struggling, sometimes they turned out better than I thought and I was glad I went. Other times, not so much. More importantly, I wish you strength and wellbeing going forward. Losing your mum when you are coping with other challenges is very hard.

I agreeZ

'I've taken some time off for some health stuff, which mean I've been reading/watching Netflix/gardening a lot.' Then start talking about that thing