In tears. How would you handle this? What would you say?

[cantfitanymore]

I'm a complete mess. My mum died earlier this year, very little other family of origin, and I'm struggling with infertility. I don't work apart from a little voluntary work because of the health problem which has fucked my fertility.

DP and I are invited to a fancy celebration party tonight. I can't face it and now I feel like I'm letting poor DP down. They're lovely people in lots of ways but extremely healthy, and very rich due to huge career successes, with a massive extended family and obviously nobody has a perfect life or anything but I can't face them because -

One person in particular will ask me in a loud way if I'm working and what's happening there? I don't know what to say, frankly?

Most of the social small talk will revolve around careers and what their kids are doing and how wonderful the kids are.

I just have no reference points for any of these people and honestly can't think of anything to say to bat away questions about my life? How do people do that?

I can't answer honestly, and say I'm basically in hospital appointments every week and trying to cope with fatigue and my grief is so bad at the moment it's all I can do to not start crying in the street when I see women my age out with their mums. Because that would be a downer at a happy party for happy normal people.

So what would I even say that's socially acceptable and polite and cheerful when nothing about me is cheerful at the moment?

I just wish I still had my mum and my own health was ok, and I was able to be a mum myself. I can't identify with other humans anymore.

@cantfitanymore I am suggesting you consider the Qs in my post not because you would necessarily put them into practice face to face with loud, pointed, obnoxious person - but so that you could feel empowered by giving those answers some thought in your own time which might lift the panic.

I was told off by a stranger recently at a dinner party for trying to justifying something. Basically they were saying it’s ok to be you and you don’t need to pretend to be something you are not. It was like a light bulb moment.
Be honest. Say you are going through some tough times but you want to forget that and concentrate on the positive things. Then ask about some aspect of their life.

You can be you. But be interested in them. Most people want to talk about themselves anyway.

But if you aren’t up to anything at all that’s fine too. Please don’t feel guilty for not going.

Like you, I used to shy away and avoid social events that my DH was invited to but more recently I’ve started to face them full on. He gets invited to lots of stuff, some family and some work related. I never used to go either because I wasn’t well or because anxiety would stop me.
I don’t know what happened but I found my inner bravery and now I don’t give a damn what anyone thinks - I tell them I am nobody and I don’t do anything. I’m not totally mean - I do follow up with asking what they do. The majority/nice people say they do nothing either - the ones full of their own importance big themselves up like the utter twats they are.

OP, I know you didn’t go but if there is a next time please go and have some fun with it.

Ah I’ve just seen you’ve decided not to go. That’s good, deflecting people can take a bit of energy! It just sounds like it would not be helpful to you in any way to go right now, I would do the same and stay home. I read your posts again and you mentioned the sort of situation would be at a table in an upmarket Manhattan restaurant, so it sounds more formal than I thought, making the loud questioning across the table even more uncomfortable. In that situation again I would attempt to sit really close to the interrogating person as they are less likely to yell and talk to the people either side of them, deflecting from the interrogator. In that seating arrangement it diffuses their power a bit from being ‘in command of the conversation/table’.
This is all only relevant if you have to see these people and maintaining relationships or friendships with them socially is important for some reason (eg someone’s job, family ties, neighbours, etc).
If not, only agreeing to low key events (eg drinks at a bar instead of a formal sit down dinner) would work in your favour or if this dinner began with drinks, come for the informal drinks and chit chat at the bar then leave before the formal dinner begins due to your ‘early morning appointment’ 🤷🏼‍♀️ That way you’ve shown face but you’re not in an uncomfortable disempowered position making you feel interrogated.
You’ve definitely made the right decision.

Just a tiny thing.

If you do go and want to escape for a while (from the horrible person) or others, just go to the toilet. I expect they are rather nice in a glam restaurant.

Also if you don't want to go just have a "stomach upset" at the last minute and don't go.

Fake Covid can be problematic.

I Agree with this. It doesn’t always pan out, at an event I answered honestly when a family member of DH (who I hadn’t seen for a while) said “how are you?” I’d lost my lovely Dad and I was heartbroken. She literally changed the subject and swiftly moved on. So that can happen, but often people will open up about their own painful life events and it is ok.
Glossy, fabulous lives in appearance, generally also have their own difficulties.

You don’t have to go. I missed my oldest, dearest, bestest friend’s engagement party in a similar state of distress. She’d already been my Maid of Honour. I was still her Matron of Honour. It may sound harsh depending on context, but is also hugely helpful in certain circumstances to remember: “you’re not that important”. Look after YOU!! X

I think you've posted on the wrong thread. Xx

I know, I’ve reported it x

You're not responsible for maintaining everyone else's good mood.

If someone asks you a very personal question, answer it?
"Oh, I spend a good deal of time every week in hospital getting treatment for my longstanding health problem. How are you?" you rude boor

"There's always hope." (Wrt children).

"I still miss her so much. It's hard." (Wrt your mother).

You don't have to be specific. You don't have to share every single detail. After you've said your brief piece, the ball is in their court.

Just to add, I'm the US, and the sort of person who grills you will be very happy to change the subject to him or herself. Either that or they will happily plunge ahead to discuss the ins and outs of your health issue. It's not considered rude, intrusive, or a no-no in many different heritages and cultures in the US to ask very direct questions of a personal nature.

If they do that, you can redirect them to their own health, to the great medical staff you have encountered, the horror of parking, the ease of getting lost in the hospital, the traffic around the hospital, their own opinions on all of that.

Don't worry about spoiling their evening. It's very unlikely to happen.

I really feel for you, OP. I'm in a similar position. In the space of 9 months, I lost my Dad, my partner of 10 years, my job, my 14 year old dog and one of my beloved cats. On top of that, I've never been as ill in my life as I have this year (liver problems). I've spent my days going to multiple medical appointments, feeling like utter crap and at one point, thinking I was going to die. And also supporting my Mum, who is absolutely devastated by the loss of Dad, her husband of 63 years.

It's been a bastard of a year and one I won't forget for a very long time. I'm sick of the sound of my own voice, always moaning about how crap I'm feeling. I don't want to go anywhere or see anyone.

However, I also have a responsibility to my own family and I have a house to run, multiple pets etc. I decided a couple of months ago that if I'm sick of my constant talking about my own shit, others must be too. So, now, I talk about other things and other people's lives - I ask people questions about themselves and listen to them. When someone asks me how I am, I say "yeah, doing ok, thanks". And I save all my shit and dump it on the therapist I'm seeing.

Having lived in North America (Chicago), I know how it is over there and I do understand your difficulties. However, there comes a point in your own life where you have to accept things are the way they are, that there's generally no much rhyme or reason to why things happen and that other people really just aren't interested in others below the 'surface level'. Your unending grief over the loss of your Mum is yours alone - just like my terrible grief over the loss of my dear father.

You need to take the focus off yourself and put it on to other people. I know it feels like living a lie, but the simple truth is that people really are only interested in themselves. You can choose to fly under the radar and focus on them as well.

All the best to you, I hope you're feeling better soon.

Well done for recognising that this time joining in might not have been good for you. You are clearly dealing with a lot at the moment, and are emotionally quite vulnerable, so try to be kind to yourself, and don't feel guilty about your decision not to go. This might be a good time to start distancing yourself from people who don't make you feel good about yourself.
And while you are struggling, try and do things that might make you feel a little better, small acts of self care, like reading a favourite book or lighting a nice candle. I hope things start to look brighter for you soon.

Be proud of yourself; you put yourself first, in front of the unnecessary obligation to attend this event. You didn't imagine scenarios- you based them on actual experiences. Never feel guilty for staying away from something like this. You're in a tough place right now, you know how you've been made to feel before, so why would you want to be somewhere that people's rude behavior will only add to your hurt and pain?

My therapist says that Covid and the political, racial, and social turmoil of the last few years did a number on me. I basically had a breakdown and am in ongoing recovery. I still feel so anxious in social situations. I am better, but I don't know when or if I'll ever feel comfortable again. People's words can hurt so much and there are those who enjoy putting someone in uncomfortable situations. I'll be damned if I lose all the progress I've made just to meet someone else's expectations, so I choose where I go and what I do. If I feel overwhelmed, I'll go wait in the car until it's over. My DH has my back.

Never let anyone make you feel "less than" because you have health problems, or don't have a career, or you're just overwhelmed by life and grief. It's been a hard lesson for me to learn, but I now know it's okay to say no, to make my own comfort more important than what others think of me.

I'm sorry for the health problems, the infertility, and especially for losing your mother. Take care and give yourself the love and time you need to heal. Making the decision to stay home is a good start. ❤

OP, can I hug you? Please, never say you're "subhuman" again! You are not. You are dealing with grief. Grief because your mom died, grief because of the infertility. I have known infertility for a few years and they were the worst of my life. I hope you see the light soon

Hi cantfitanymore,

I haven't read the entire thread, but I read all our posts and I was interested by the one idiot who is asking you pointed questions.

I have a lot of these people in my family, and I can also be that person myself unfortunately. With a lot of reflection in recent years, and a large amount of professional help, we've figured out that the whole family has a certain kind of ASD, and we do stupidly/innocently ask people for factual information without having any concept of how much it hurts.

It hurts me when my relatives it to me and I know it hurts others when I do it to them, but I don't always know what to say that is better.

I read this great book called "the chimp paradox" that explains about different personality types, among other things. It says that with people like that you just have to set really firm clear boundaries. I have tried and it works.

So if x says "gosh well your life is a mess isn't it, what are you doing to sort this out? Sitting at home being crap again as usual I suppose. LOL!" (This is an actual thing that one of my relatives routinely says to me and it's the LOL that really puts the tin lid on it. He always laughs.)

Then I have to say. "Actually, I've been getting help from a clinical psychologist who says that my health problems are directly driven by my terrible relationship with my family and their constant pointed questions and taking advantage of me. The doctor says that until I can get my family relationships working I will never recover my health." This takes the wind out of their sails somewhat.

Recently I managed to get another relative to cop on. and now he has taken it upon himself to phone the others and tell them to wind their necks in. For some reason this one man seems to hold more sway with the others then I do, and it's starting to take effect.

In one friendship of mine I once said "Hey dial it back will you, that hurt." and the friend said "Oh sorry, just my ASD playing up again. It gets out of hand sometimes." and I thought that was very sensible of him. It's certainly that with me when I say dumbass things and hurt people. It's never intentional.

But my general impression is that with people like that, you just have to tell them to their face that they are being awful and that they need to dial it down, or get some other respected person to do it. I would prefer it if people did that with me, and certainly changing the subject or turning to talk to someone else would not tell me what I need to do differently, when I'm being too pushy.

I'm really sorry about your best friend who couldn't cope with your situation. I have a friend with MS who asked for my support during chemo, and I couldn't cope and folded up. I totally get how hard that is for her and you and I'm really sorry.

OP...you do work. There's no reason you cant say you work...volunteer work is just that. Unpaid work.
Dont even mention paid work...just say i do (insert job role) i do etc etc. xx

This. I think you need to do some things to take you out of dwelling on your difficulties for a bit.

And think about this in more general terms - ok you can’t work because of I’ll- health, but what can you do that will help you to stop dwelling on all your troubles? Some volunteer work, for example. It’s not healthy for you to be so inward-looking with nothing beyond your own ill-health and grief.

It doesn’t have to be a lot or a big thing but it won’t help your healing (in spirit or mind as much as your body) by having nothing but just yourself to think about.

Even though I'm not going to this thing tonight, I'm making notes of all the clever replies and remarks so I have them in mind going forwards.

Why can’t you just celebrate other people’s happiness? And deflect, deflect, deflect intrusive questions. Turn such an inquisition away from yourself y asking about others. But you really need to think about why your main reaction to someone else’s milestone event causes you such anguish and resentment.

I had this not too long ago when seeing old friends, as I’m disabled now (well I was then too but now diagnosed and using a walking stick). I practiced some stock answers beforehand so I was prepared. I did some funny answers (having the walking stick due to a shark attack, particularly vicious child etc) and some more sensible ones (that I’m loving my current job and ignoring comments about part time, that I’ve been really getting into a hobby and ignoring the work etc part). The night went alright bc I’d practiced answers. Still got one or two that tried to push further but I just kept redirecting back to their life (“oh I’m managing thanks, how’s your work/life going though? Everything okay?”).

ultimately don’t go if you don’t feel you are up to it. Take care of your own mental health, you’re not letting anyone down. If you do really want to go and you’re just really worried then I would recommend practicing some good answers and redirections in advance so you feel more prepared 😊

You’ve had a terrible time and I’m really sorry. I feel being kind to your self doesn’t mean doing something that you really know will make you feel worse, if you don’t feel up to it, please don’t go. If there were people you wanted to see who might understand how you’re feeling it might be different, but I don’t see why you should socialise with this group while you’re so fragile.
Stay home and look after yourself.

.

Other people do not have perfect lives. The Ivy League kids may be on drugs or spoilt brats, other people have health problems they dont talk about too. Life is rarely perfect for long.

Work on deflections. If you are feeling shit and dont want to talk about health but are asked how you are "I was fine for 5 minutes on Friday", how are you? If they persist "talking about my health depresses me, please change the subject".

If they ask about work "I'm far too busy with ...whatever you volunteer at" for that an I meet such lovely people there. Isn't it wonderful how much is done by volunteers.

I think maybe they thought it was in a house. I hope so anyway or that's so weird 😂