In tears. How would you handle this? What would you say?

[cantfitanymore]

I'm a complete mess. My mum died earlier this year, very little other family of origin, and I'm struggling with infertility. I don't work apart from a little voluntary work because of the health problem which has fucked my fertility.

DP and I are invited to a fancy celebration party tonight. I can't face it and now I feel like I'm letting poor DP down. They're lovely people in lots of ways but extremely healthy, and very rich due to huge career successes, with a massive extended family and obviously nobody has a perfect life or anything but I can't face them because -

One person in particular will ask me in a loud way if I'm working and what's happening there? I don't know what to say, frankly?

Most of the social small talk will revolve around careers and what their kids are doing and how wonderful the kids are.

I just have no reference points for any of these people and honestly can't think of anything to say to bat away questions about my life? How do people do that?

I can't answer honestly, and say I'm basically in hospital appointments every week and trying to cope with fatigue and my grief is so bad at the moment it's all I can do to not start crying in the street when I see women my age out with their mums. Because that would be a downer at a happy party for happy normal people.

So what would I even say that's socially acceptable and polite and cheerful when nothing about me is cheerful at the moment?

I just wish I still had my mum and my own health was ok, and I was able to be a mum myself. I can't identify with other humans anymore.

Condolences on the loss of your mum, nothing anyone says is going to make it easier. When people ask intrusive questions, I'd like to think I'd be able to say 'sorry, I don't want to talk about that' or 'why do you need to know?'
Some people are notoriously thick-skinned though.

Sending you love and strength.

Can’t you say ‘i’m focussing on my charity work for x and y, also on my fertility journey, how are you doing X?’. Most people ask questions at parties hoping to be asked the same in reverse, it’s essentially conversational tennis, knock that ball back, job done. Good luck OP x

I think that's a good choice. You're not feeling well. Why would you force yourself to get through a big party. You are 100% right and not in anyway U!

This person sounds like an awful boor and you can bet it's been noted by others. Don't worry about them judging you, you should be thinking about how they are the ones who should be taking a good look at themselves. Awful behaviour on their part.

Of course, I realise in the moment that's not much comfort to you. I am sorry you are in so much pain.

I have just read you're not going so the pressure if off now, that's good.

I hope you find ways of deflecting these rude questions for future use when you feel a little stronger.

Are there any individuals from the celebration that you regret not seeing - it so you could pick up with them in a low key way if this would make you feel better?

Just say I'm sorry but that is my business and I don't discuss it with anyone , you dont owe anyone an explanation .

There is also the MN classic way to respond to dreadful people:

head tilt

side eye

”Did you mean to be so insensitive / rude / intrusive”

Tinkly laugh

looking around wise eyed for others to acknowledge

I think as most of the people on here are in the UK, they don't realise how blunt and direct Americans (and Australians, one of which I am) can be with questions. A Brit would take a polite 'I'm fine' and leave it at that, but in my vast experience (before anyone comes at me) some nationalities wouldn't leave it at that! I've found with Australians in particular - after being out of the country a long time and only going back as an adult - they expect to know your whole life story within 10 minutes of meeting you!

A couple of hundred years ago a bereaved person was 'excused' from social situations - was in formal mourning - for a year after the death...while I wouldn't go that far, I think some in the OP's situation shouldn't be made to feel bad for not wanting to attend parties only a few months after a parent's death.

Can you adapt your response op and say you are taking a career break owing to recent family events? Or something bland like that?

And then switch the conversation to something non-controversial and say “I am trying to go out for a walk every day. It’s surprising the amount of wildlife I see when out and about” or something really general like that?

It’s very difficult to tell whether you want us to persuade you to go or whether you are really not up to it? Only you can decide that op. But please try and be kind to yourself and to the hosts. Try and adjust your mindset to encompass the fact that just because externally the hosts appear to have it all, it may not necessarily be the case, as you are comparing their public face to your innner turmoil, and that’s never an accurate comparison.

I think these are good suggestions. Much as you don't want to offend anyone and are probably worried about putting a downer on things (you won't btw), you aren't responsible for other's happiness and don't need to lie in an attempt to make other people feel better.

Anyone who doesn't read a gentle attempt to steer the conversation away is probably best avoided

Just coming on to say what a kind and useful thread, thanks to all contributors and particularly to OP for starting it.

I’ve just caught up that you didn’t go op.

That’s very sad about your bf. Could you possibly write to them to say you know that the subject of serious illness is hard and you understand that they find it difficult and no pressure but you miss their friendship?

You don’t know why they feel unable to be there for you; they may be afraid, feel inadequate, not want to make things worse by mistake, have some mh issue going on, or may have misunderstood what you are expecting from them?

I am not excusing their behaviour but you might try and give them a second chance?

Using the grey rock technique with these types helps (google it) - so keep everything vague ... I have a few irons in the fire, a range of developing projects, continuing to ensure my work / life is balanced for me personally etc.

But maybe at your core OP you are not self compassionate enough for your circumstances? Have you set yourself a too high bar - are you competitive and comparing yourself unnecessarily?

Do you accept that where your career is currently is exactly where it should be given the compounding issues you are navigating - that you and your DH have decided this is the best set up for you as a couple. Are you confident that your current arrangements support your unique situation and are totally irrelevant to compare to others. Do you believe this yourself?

Put yourself first OP and focus on you and on what is going to help you. If it’s going to an event like this then great but if events like this are making you feel anxious and worse then perhaps better to leave it and give yourself some TLC. I know how exhausting it can be to constantly be putting on the brave face, cheerful conversation, and in having to come up with coping strategies for these things, it is exhausting! Sending you hugs 🤗

Just go enjoy yourself and avoid the person who grills you like the plague. It's really non of their business.

Oh sorry I think I wrote my msg a bit too late!

Some answers in reply to nosey intrusive questions:
Oh, that's a verrrrry long story! Tell me about...
Oh, the less said about that the better! Tell me about...

I use these a lot and with practice it gets easy.
Try to deliver these lines with a smile in your voice and you can throw in an eye roll or a hand gesture for added effect.

IME, these replies rarely if ever give rise to a follow-up probing question because people can't handle them.

I wouldn’t go on this occasion until you feel up to it, you sound very anxious,
It is actually ok to say NO sometimes if you know something is not good for your well being.
A lot of these type of events are extremely superficial and nobody really cares about anyone else at them so I wouldn’t tell them anything about your personal life as it’s none of your business.

Otherwise if you do go, just dress up as much as you can ( get hair blow dryer etc.) put on a big smile and tell a few white lies to make your life sound rosy….jus make sure your husband knows about them so he is on the same page😀😀

Im sure none of their lives are as perfect as they seem either, everybody in the world has something going on even if they don’t let on, they just won’t tell people a lot of the time.

Only came across this thread now, @cantfitanymore and not sure if you are still reading - but I just wanted to say that feeling the way you are is, in my view, perfectly normal after the death of a parent you were close to and indeed to be expected.

In fact, in the Jewish mourning tradition, you would not have had this dilemma at all - because going to such parties (and weddings and similar social events - except in very limited circumstances) are considered not appropriate for the 12 months after the death of a parent. So for the year after my mother died (finishing last June), my DH just went to such things without me - with the explanation "she is in her year" or "in aveilut [mourning]"- which within religious Jewish social circles is all the explanation needed. With it being formalised, that means that nobody considers it insulting or upsetting, it just is what it is (and we have similarly had close friends miss important life events for us because they were in their mourning periods). And while missing a wedding two weeks before my year finished, I was probably psychologically ready to go, I certainly wasn't earlier in the year, and was very glad of the automatic exemption without having to ruffle any feathers.

I am so so sorry for your loss @cantfitanymore. I think you are very brave too to decide to stay at home. It sounds like you have had a lot to deal with at once with the loss of your Mum, your best friend leaving, your fertility and health to the extent that it has impacted your job. Add to this you have no other family support. No wonder you are finding things difficult! Most people would find it challenging with just one of these heartaches. I wish I could give you a big hug.

Be kind to yourself. The outside world will want you to hurry up and 'get over it', go back, put a fake smile and make small talk. Especially those who have never lost a loved one (this used to me previously in fact). But I get it now - it is very hard when you have gone through what you have. Grief has no timeline or goals or plan or dates. It also has an impact on everday life so I am not surprised that answering questions about what you are up to and how are you etc is hard.

When I lost my loved one, I went back to social events and made small talk within a month. It broke me - I felt so fake and utterly draining. Then my friends/colleagues would then tell me that I "was doing really well" and "so brave" when actually I felt like screaming and that my heart had broken into a million pieces. I am now a lot better at declining invitations like this and feel much better socialising in a much smaller group with people who are more sensitive - and more importantly feeling at ease with myself for not going. There is plenty of time for you to get back to these engagements if/when you want to. All too often, we are socially taught to put aside our feelings and do things for others/not cause a scene etc (in your case, being polite and friendly to rude/insensitive family). However, in grief, you are allowed to put yourself first.

Re: your friend - sadly this can be a common response. I too experienced it with a friend who I had been close to for 20 years and also my sister. Sadly some people cannot deal with difficult news and feel awkward. Perhaps it makes them feel vulnerable or reminds them how fragile life is. It is awful and it is crap it happens - but it really is not you.

Take care of yourself OP and you don't need to justify your decisions and feelings to anyone.

@MontyDonsBlueScarf I agree. I wonder if OP would be OK with having the thread moved either to Infertility or Bereavement as it's very helpful and relevant.

It chimes with some of my own experiences and I've picked up some useful conversational techniques for deflecting unwelcome questions.