In tears. How would you handle this? What would you say?

[cantfitanymore]

I'm a complete mess. My mum died earlier this year, very little other family of origin, and I'm struggling with infertility. I don't work apart from a little voluntary work because of the health problem which has fucked my fertility.

DP and I are invited to a fancy celebration party tonight. I can't face it and now I feel like I'm letting poor DP down. They're lovely people in lots of ways but extremely healthy, and very rich due to huge career successes, with a massive extended family and obviously nobody has a perfect life or anything but I can't face them because -

One person in particular will ask me in a loud way if I'm working and what's happening there? I don't know what to say, frankly?

Most of the social small talk will revolve around careers and what their kids are doing and how wonderful the kids are.

I just have no reference points for any of these people and honestly can't think of anything to say to bat away questions about my life? How do people do that?

I can't answer honestly, and say I'm basically in hospital appointments every week and trying to cope with fatigue and my grief is so bad at the moment it's all I can do to not start crying in the street when I see women my age out with their mums. Because that would be a downer at a happy party for happy normal people.

So what would I even say that's socially acceptable and polite and cheerful when nothing about me is cheerful at the moment?

I just wish I still had my mum and my own health was ok, and I was able to be a mum myself. I can't identify with other humans anymore.

I think they mean you've imagined what people are going to say and do and talk about but it may not be like that at all.

I don't think you should go if you really don't feel up to it, but one bit of advice I would say is if someone asks you how you are doing, tell them! Either a watered down vague version or if they ask more and seem interested then maybe open up a little. It's SO hard to put on a pretense and that's why you're dreading it so much. I personally hate it when people talk boring small talk at parties, I'd much rather someone tell me about their personal life (and they frequently do for some reason!) or that they are having trouble, and they feel bad that they don't feel better, I've had some really deep conversations and connections with people I hardly know and perhaps that's the reason why. I lost my mum 8 years ago and I've seen some shit in my life and I'd love to chat to you at that party and tell you everything is going to be okay, and it's normal to feel the way you do, and to not let anyone else make you feel inferior.

At times like this it's okay to not be okay.

That sounds so hard OP.

I'm so sorry.

Real profound grief for someone is smothering IMO.

It is hard to breathe at times and expelling breath to make polite small talk was certainly too much for me when I have experienced it.

I would encourage your partner to go alone with apologies for your absence.

It is perfectly acceptable to avoid socialising while grieving.

Mind yourself.💐

If you decide to go, then your husband needs to have your back, particularly with the rude nosy person. If that person comes anywhere near you, he needs to be at your side to deflect the convo.

There is no harm in sending him on his own to this one though.

There is a particular person present who loves to loudly, in front of the rest of the table, ask me a couple of pointed questions about my career and lack thereof.

I've been there @cantfitanymore so I know it's real. Some people are awful like that.

See also - uncomfortable questions about my dead mother's estate.

Wow, is that the same guy? How often do you have to see him? He sounds utterly beyond the pale.

I think I would probably just skip anything you thought he was probably going to attend. Permanently.

If there are any people you like out of this group of acquaintances, you could arrange to keep in touch with them individually.

You've had a great deal of losses to cope with this year, why not decide nearer the time as the anxiety of the event will make your exhaustion worse.

Take it off the table for the moment, if you don't go, don't beat yourself up, if you do then be aware that others probably arn't going to probe you as much as you think they are, most people are quite self absorbed and are just thinking of their own worries and you could just try to avoid the obnoxious one.

Your experiences have made you knowledgable about things others at a similar age probably havn't a clue, your maturity shouldn't make you feel less than these people, you sound lovely.

I think you made the right decision, OP. I hope you do some nice things for yourself tonight, and don't mull over your choice. Just wanted to post to say things sound very very tough for you at the moment and I hope you have some good friends you can lean on, not just this crowd. I'm glad you got some clever replies too for future use if you need them. Take good care of yourself.

edit : I see you decided not to go so post deleted

Condolences on the loss of your DM.
I think you made the right decision.

It doesn't sound like you are quite ready for this kind of event
It's not a question of getting back on the horse.
And I think the worry of it in advance is wearing for you.

I liked some of the replies people suggested and I think its always good to have something prepared up your sleeve when you know there are tactless people who think conversations should be cross examinations.

I also liked the suggestion one pp made of going out with your DH somewhere nice, just the two of you, instead.

Also thought that doing things in small steps might help when you are ready. Perhaps there are one or two people who will be attending the party that you are close or closer to and you might like to meet up with them in ones or twos so that the next time, you will be up to date with people, you can stick with them and it won't be so daunting.

It's a well worn platitude to say that Time is a great healer, but I have found it to be absolutely true.

It sounds op, like your resilience is just very low at the moment and understandably so.

It's great you're addressing your feelings through counselling but it's not as you say, a quick fix and it can take a long time for the benefits to show, infact i found it almost made things feel worse initially.

I think you need to weigh up what would the impact be if you didn't go. Could your dh go on ahead alone, what would that mean for him and for your relationship? What would you spend the time doing instead? Or is there a compromise where you attend for an agreed amount of time, you agree to move round the room a lot and keep asking lots of questions about other people and get your dh to take the conversational lead so the focus isn't on you. If people ask you something I'd have a line prepared that's light but dismissive so you aren't left on the spot.

I do think one of the really hard things about grief and infertility are how totally isolating they can be because you end up in a cycle of avoiding people because it hurts to see them with what you're grieving, but also being alone isn't good for your mental wellbeing either. It's a very hard place to be and I really feel for you.

If you genuinely don't feel you have enough in the reserves to get through an hour of this event then you need to sit down with your dh and tell him honestly exactly how you're feeling. I'd tell him exactly what you're worried about and he'll either hopefully understand and accept why you can't go, or he will help you come up with a plan together of how you'll get through it as a team and reassure you.

What you're feeling is normal but I would just say please try not to let it take any more from you than you've already lost. I have had a close friend who has just completely closed off contact with our friendship group due to similar challenges in her life even though a few of us had experience of it as well. I totally and completely get it and understand why she felt she needed to do that and my door will always be open to her and I would have done anything to make her feel better but obviously I couldn't. It just made me so sad that she lost long term, really close friends in the midst of everything else going on for her.

I would say that while you're in this place of grieving, it becomes all consuming which is why it's so hard to think of things to say about your life. In the past I found it helpful to set myself the challenge of trying new things, so I did different hobbies/ classes/travelled etc just for fun. It was good because with hobbies you are all there for the same reason so you talk about what you're doing which keeps things light and it gives you things to talk about when you're asked about yourself. Plus it's just good for the head. There's still a lot of richness in life to be found again, it just takes time to get to the place to feel OK looking for it again and op you are allowed to take your time there isn't one right way to do this.

I’m so sorry you’re going through all this. I sincerely hope things get better for you 💐

If you can't manage to fob them off saying that it's boring, and they ask a second time loudly, merely to drag attention to your answer, just stop talking, and then leave the silence hanging. We're raised to think we have to fill silence at all times, but when we don't, people stop to think. And the others will be thinking that the person is being rude, if they continue to push for an answer.

As for your mother's estate... "That's a really weird thing to ask me about." Because you know what? It really IS weird. When someone asks you something weird in an inappropriate way, it's ok to point out that it's weird in order to shut down the enquiry. And this tip comes from an American (thank you, AskAManager).

I am not even British and I find these "aggressive" topics really pushy and rude. And to someone who feels comfortable enough to be this direct, I think it's appropriate to be just as direct in firing back a non-response.

I think I was about 40 years old in life before I finally learned that just because someone asks you a question, doesn't mean you have to answer it. Or that they are entitled to the answer. #adulting

In retrospect I think I'd go just to loudly, in front of the rest of the table ask this person a couple of pointed questions about if they've always been a wanker or if it was something they learnt recently.

I don't think everyone feels this way about other people who have struggled with ill health, and the ill health of their loved ones, though.

Serious illness makes some people - especially those who don't have much experience of it - very uncomfortable. They literally don't want to know you and will say hurtful things to dismiss and explain your experience.

A woman I know died from my illness this year, and this has cause my best friend to totally distance herself from me since I confided in her and said yes, I am sometimes scared too of that happening to me.

This is (or sadly, maybe, was) my best mate who I'm pretty sure loves me, but can't now cope with me talking about any of the realities around my illness, or my grief. She gave me a whole lot of old shit about positive thinking, and how maybe before birth people like my mum and me had actually chosen these lives for reasons unknown, because the universe works in mysterious ways, and would have a better next life.

Not everyone wants to confront difficult stuff around illness, and dying, and that's fine. Also, it makes me feel like shit to realise people are thinking woah at least I don't have to do X and Y to stay alive, and at least I have my mum and dad still alive...or whatever. I mean, it's great they feel gratitude, but I frankly don't want to hear their gratitude at being not in my situation. I'm not a teachable moment.

I'm generally a really private person and don't often confide in others much. My best mate was a rare instance of letting my guard down over several occasions, and it was too much for her.

See also - uncomfortable questions about my dead mother's estate.

Wow, you've got an Extreme Cheeky Fucker on your hands.

The best thing to do with uncomfortable questions is to allow yourself to feel the shock and to not run with the feeling that you should come up with a response instantly.

It is fine to allow an uncomfortably long silence while you take a few breaths and appear to think about how to answer. (You are not really thinking about how to answer, you are giving them a chance to realise they've been rude and retract the rude question themselves.)

If they don't, then say pleasantly, "Goodness, that's a bit of an unexpected question. I'm afraid that's something I don't feel comfortable sharing with anyone outside my immediate family. I'm sure you understand!"

"I'm sure you understand" is a great all-purpose phrase when you are setting boundaries with XCFs. And if they then try to get you to move your boundary by shaming you in some way - like saying, "Everyone talks about money these days, isn't it a bit old-fashioned to be funny about it?" or "Come on, one more drink won't hurt you" or "Don't you think you've been unemployed for long enough", another great all-purpose answer is (also said pleasantly): "You may be right! But [repeat your boundary here eg, "I don't want another drink"] all the same."

@Lavender14 your last two paragraphs are very helpful and resonate with my own experience of grief.

and OP wishing you all the best and I hope things start to get a bit easier for you in time

I know exactly the sort of person you mean who asks you loud interrogative questions (in my past experience it was usually male CEOs or these alpha male family men, I’m making an assumption here btw), I became great at responses as these people can really catch you off guard. And their energy is particularly annoying when you’re trying NOT to draw attention to yourself and feeling sensitive or not in a good space. My deflection tips:

1. Answer a question with a question! Don’t even ANSWER their question, just ask them one in response, eg: ‘So (OP) are you working? What’s happening there?’ Replies: - ‘Hey, Jim! I was JUST thinking about your (multinational shipping business) the other day! How is THAT working out?? Must take some planning and execution huh? - ‘I won’t bore you with that but YOU seem like a successful businessman, what are YOUR 9-5 tips?’ - ‘Oh you know, a usual week but how is YOUR position as Chairman of the Board for Wells Fargo and your Little League coach position after hours going in the meantime?’
2. Ask them for some advice: - ‘So (OP) are you working? What’s happening there?’ ‘Well Jim, thanks for asking! I’m volunteering at xyz but I was MEANING to ask you about some pointers for when someone is looking to shift careers? How did you get to xyz position in YOUR company? Tell me more!’
3. Don’t ‘hear’ him: ‘So (OP) are you working? What’s happening there?’ Immediately break eye contact and look at his wife’s/friend’s/daughters dress/jewellery/haircut: ‘Oh I LOVE your necklace! Stunning! WHERE did you get it?’ Then look back at him smiling and shaking your head in awe. Then continue conversation with the wife or friend about their clothes, annoying person will lose interest grilling you about your career as at that point it will seem wierd if they continue to ask.
4. Fake phone call - ‘So (OP) are you working? What’s happening there?’ … Look surprised, with phone in hand: ‘Ah it’s my sister! Just a minute, I’ll be right back’ Then run to the bathroom with your fake call, when you come back change where you are in the room, eg closer to annoying person so they can’t shout their question at you or out of their direct line of sight. Either way them asking you that question again will seem particularly wierd. If they did a second time though: ‘Wow you really want to know! Well a bit of volunteering etc, a standard week.’ Shrug your shoulders then excuse yourself physically (walk away) and get a canapé or cocktail 😂

With everyone generally at the party, ask them about themselves, deflecting from your personal business. You’ll give the impression of seeming like a compassionate, interested, nice partner, even if you only stay an hour which will also reflect well on your DP. You’ll also avoid feeling overly exposed with a bunch of people you have nothing in common with especially right now in a state of fragility. Sometimes talking about other people’s business and lives can actually be uplifting and interesting which might help you feel a bit better! Staying an hour is a good idea as you are probably feeling at your limit energy wise right now so bowing out with ‘I’ve really enjoyed myself but I have an early appointment tomorrow. Great to see you all! Take care 😊’

Other option: Don’t go at all and ask your DP to tell those people the reason is that you are in mourning for your mum. It’s the truth, people will respect it and will also hopefully be less interrogative and more compassionate the next time you see them socially.

It’s understandable in this year of firsts compounded by your other issues that you are struggling.

You will likely look back at this period in your life as one of the worst times.

I think that you made the right decision.

However can you talk more about the individual that you mentioned repeatedly who gets under your skin as I think it might help you to have some strategies for dealing with them and / or reframing who/what they represent to you?

Are they competitive with you or another member of your family specifically or are they socially awkward that others can see?

Whats the history of this person - are they older than you?

Do they overtly bully or belittle you?

Do they just ask questions or do they make judgements?

If so what are the worst they have done to date and what is the worst they can say?

How would you like to handle it?

Why do you think they hold power over you or cause you to feel either helpless / shame / anger / hopeless / useless ?

Good grief, I’m glad you decided not to go. You’re in mourning. You’re not under any obligation to socialise even with the nicest people.

After my parents died I could really see the point of Victorian-style mourning rituals. At least theoretically, wearing all black and a veil, and not going to any social events, would have sat much more comfortably with me than trotting off to events with a brave face on.

Good for you looking after yourself and not going to the party. Sounded borish anyway with some shallow people! Or at least somewhere you really didn’t want to be- why put yourself through it?
OP you sound like you know yourself and your worth and I just wanted to come on here & wish you all the best in navigating your grief & taking care of yourself ❤️💐

Honestly? There are times that you just need to hide away and lick your wounds. Some people find it healing going out and being with lots of people, others find it like rubbing salt into the wound and very painful.

Whichever you are (and I think for you it's the latter), that's ok. Take the time you need, and face people when you're stronger. Much better to take it slowly and meet a few people you know are supportive, or go to an activity where the focus is on that rather than on the participants.

Bit late but I don’t think you needed to go. I’m now at the stage in life where I prioritise myself and my well being above other people and if that means turning down invitations so be it

sounds so tough OP. don't force yourself to go if you are not upto it. if you are feeling this fragile, a person intrusively questioning you can trigger a panic attack or similar....

but if you can avoid the one person who sets you off, then it might do you good. you are in a really tough situation OP but trust me you are definitely not the only one. you need to connect with others facing similar issues. would you consider going to a bereavement support group maybe?

I am so glad you didn’t go! I am American; both US and UK cultures once respected people that were grieving. I think we need to return to that. There is absolutely no reason that you should be out at a party trying to pretend you are having a good time right now.

No normal person should expect you to put on a happy face and make small talk so soon after losing your mom and while navigating fertility questions. You aren’t ok snd no one should expect otherwise.

I think we have to just institute a grieving period on our own if polite society doesn’t already recognize it.

Well done @cantfitanymore you have done the right thing.