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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sibling not coming to destination wedding - AIBU?

353 replies

hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 19:56

Anon for this..

Firstly I want to preface with I know that expecting people to travel to a long haul destination wedding isn't fair. So happy to be told we are being unreasonable on this but interested to know peoples thoughts..

Fiancés sibling was invited to our wedding (USA location, so a reasonable flight). Sibling never acknowledged either of us to say whether they would attend or not. We then heard through MIL that they weren't coming. We hadn't been contacted or even congratulated on the engagement.

We are a little hurt they aren't coming as they have high income and low outgoings (accommodation, bills and food all provided with job - not struggling, spend on designer clothes and shop in premium supermarkets, just for context that they aren't on minimum wage) also single and no children.

But obviously we need to suck it up on that one as we do feel a bit hurt but ultimately it was our choice to hold the wedding abroad and even if people can afford it they are completely fair to just not want to spend their money and time on the whole debacle of it all. I guess the reason we are hurt is they are the only close sibling/friend not coming so it stung a little bit.

But what I'm wondering is are we being unreasonable to expect to be told this directly? Whether phone, email or carrier pigeon I don't care.. but going through someone else is just a bit off. That's the bit that has hurt my fiancé the most as it's like he hasn't even acknowledged the engagement or the invite itself.

Not sure if we are being over sensitive on this so happy to be corrected!

OP posts:
MotherofWomen · 05/11/2023 19:58

They should have told you directly.

EatYourVegetables · 05/11/2023 19:58

They should respond directly, and maybe will.

But YABVU to expect anyone to attend these pretentious expensive “please celebrate me” events.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 05/11/2023 19:59

Have you sent proper invites or just word of mouth?

Sweetlily99 · 05/11/2023 20:00

Should have a) congratulated you b) said thaks for the invitation but I'm not coming and should be to you directly not via anyone else.

Very odd behaviour

AnotherEmma · 05/11/2023 20:00

You referred to him as a "sibling" "they/them" throughout and then switched to "he" at the end. Seems a bit pointless to withhold the gender, who cares anyway.

It sounds as if your fiancé and his brother are not particularly close and/or his brother has form for being a bit selfish or just not really making an effort with keeping in touch. Have you met/seen his brother much? Maybe he disapproves or just doesn't care.

It is sad for your fiancé but weddings do tend to be quite revealing. Hopefully he can accept his brother's limitations and just focus on all the many positives of the day.

Original poster
hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 20:00

EatYourVegetables · 05/11/2023 19:58

They should respond directly, and maybe will.

But YABVU to expect anyone to attend these pretentious expensive “please celebrate me” events.

Please don't assume it's some kind of big pretentious event just because it's abroad. We have our reasons for doing this and it's actually very small, intimate and rustic so not at all this stereotype you have created there. There is more than one way of doing this.

They have left it too late to approach us directly now.

OP posts:
Original poster
hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 20:01

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 05/11/2023 19:59

Have you sent proper invites or just word of mouth?

Formal invitations (save the date then main invite)

OP posts:
Ohdearwhatnow4 · 05/11/2023 20:01

Did you ask for a rsvp? And if so sis it state a date. Maybe they were trying to arrange the time off work before letting you know.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 05/11/2023 20:01

Assuming you asked them directly, then they should have told you directly. Though given they're a sibling, and presumably close enough that you feel hurt about this...can't your fiance just ask about it? Doesn't have to be a big showdown, just 'mum mentioned you might not be coming, is that right? How come you never said?'

Original poster
hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 20:01

Sweetlily99 · 05/11/2023 20:00

Should have a) congratulated you b) said thaks for the invitation but I'm not coming and should be to you directly not via anyone else.

Very odd behaviour

That's what I was expecting to be honest.

I understand the not wanting to come for whatever reason but to just.. go into hiding? It's really strange!

OP posts:
Neodymium · 05/11/2023 20:01

My sister had a destination wedding and our other sister didn’t attend. I think she was abit hurt that my sister held a destination wedding. My parents offered to pay for her to attend (not her husband just her) but she said no unless they both go she wasn’t interested. So I think there was abit of hurt on both sides. Some people just don’t agree with destination weddings, especially if it is not somewhere they would choose to go on holiday to.

Changingplace · 05/11/2023 20:01

If it was important to you that certain people could come you should’ve spoken to them first before booking the wedding.

You’re unreasonable and it’s not your decision what they decide to spend their money and holidays on, you should’ve accepted all this before booking a wedding abroad.

And having said all that I also got married abroad, but I got all this stuff sorted up front.

justalittlesnoel · 05/11/2023 20:01

Have they had an actual RSVP that they haven't replied to? Or did you invite them verbally? Perhaps they're worried about saying it face to face but they really should be telling you directly. Has the RSVP deadline passed?

Honestly it's a bit rubbish but I get it, we can afford to go on lovely holidays but I'd still feel aggrieved spending £££ and using annual leave for a wedding, even for a sibling. I'd tell my sibling to their face though!

NerrSnerr · 05/11/2023 20:02

Do they feel awkward as they can't afford the £££ for the flight?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 05/11/2023 20:03

Very weird but surely that reflective of the relationship - a perfectly normal decent sibling relationship wouldn’t behave like this

Changingplace · 05/11/2023 20:03

hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 20:01

That's what I was expecting to be honest.

I understand the not wanting to come for whatever reason but to just.. go into hiding? It's really strange!

Show quote history

Is the first they knew about the wedding location when they got the invite?

They’re probably annoyed rather than hiding.

Original poster
hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 20:03

AnotherEmma · 05/11/2023 20:00

You referred to him as a "sibling" "they/them" throughout and then switched to "he" at the end. Seems a bit pointless to withhold the gender, who cares anyway.

It sounds as if your fiancé and his brother are not particularly close and/or his brother has form for being a bit selfish or just not really making an effort with keeping in touch. Have you met/seen his brother much? Maybe he disapproves or just doesn't care.

It is sad for your fiancé but weddings do tend to be quite revealing. Hopefully he can accept his brother's limitations and just focus on all the many positives of the day.

He is quite selfish yes. Never thanks us for birthday presents, Christmas presents etc.

They were fairly close but the effort has only been on one side. It's all quite odd as other siblings aren't like this at all.?

OP posts:
SoddingWeddings · 05/11/2023 20:03

It sounds like the relationship isn't very strong, but your partner should know whether this is in keeping or out of character.

However, destination weddings will always end badly IMO because there's always someone who can't afford it / can't be arsed with the sheer cost / using up their annual leave to accommodate what is almost always just a party, not the legal ceremony. And the B&G are never fully happy about who doesn't attend and their reasons for not coming.

DuploTrain · 05/11/2023 20:03

I would find it odd to just receive a formal invite in the post from my brother asking me to travel to America and have no other conversation about it!

Your DH has really never mentioned it.. hi brother, we’re going to be getting married in America, do you think you’ll be able to come?

Labradoodlie · 05/11/2023 20:03

How close are they normally? With my brother I’d expect this to come up in normal chitchat.

It sounds like your fiancé and his sib don’t really talk? In which case there might be a relevant backstory.

Schlurp · 05/11/2023 20:03

Did you send an actual invitation or was it just a word of mouth or save the date?

You clearly are hurt by the fact they're not coming as well as the lack of reply. I would try to get over that - there may be a reason they absolutely can't come to that location/date. I wonder if they are a bit hurt that you've made it so hard to attend.

Never assume someone can definitely afford it/get time off work etc. It's a lot to ask for anyone. Fair enough I suppose, but only as long as you don't take it personally if they decline.

Original poster
hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 20:03

Ohdearwhatnow4 · 05/11/2023 20:01

Did you ask for a rsvp? And if so sis it state a date. Maybe they were trying to arrange the time off work before letting you know.

Yeah the dates have passed now..

OP posts:
GirrlCrush · 05/11/2023 20:03

Maybe they have reached saturation point with other peoples weddings!?

BoohooWoohoo · 05/11/2023 20:04

She should contact you or her brother directly but I've read posts on here where families have strange dynamics centred on the MIL knowing everything first and being the one to break the news of any gossip. Is this the case here?

itsmylife7 · 05/11/2023 20:04

He /she can't be that close to sibling if they don't communicate.