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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sibling not coming to destination wedding - AIBU?

353 replies

hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 19:56

Anon for this..

Firstly I want to preface with I know that expecting people to travel to a long haul destination wedding isn't fair. So happy to be told we are being unreasonable on this but interested to know peoples thoughts..

Fiancés sibling was invited to our wedding (USA location, so a reasonable flight). Sibling never acknowledged either of us to say whether they would attend or not. We then heard through MIL that they weren't coming. We hadn't been contacted or even congratulated on the engagement.

We are a little hurt they aren't coming as they have high income and low outgoings (accommodation, bills and food all provided with job - not struggling, spend on designer clothes and shop in premium supermarkets, just for context that they aren't on minimum wage) also single and no children.

But obviously we need to suck it up on that one as we do feel a bit hurt but ultimately it was our choice to hold the wedding abroad and even if people can afford it they are completely fair to just not want to spend their money and time on the whole debacle of it all. I guess the reason we are hurt is they are the only close sibling/friend not coming so it stung a little bit.

But what I'm wondering is are we being unreasonable to expect to be told this directly? Whether phone, email or carrier pigeon I don't care.. but going through someone else is just a bit off. That's the bit that has hurt my fiancé the most as it's like he hasn't even acknowledged the engagement or the invite itself.

Not sure if we are being over sensitive on this so happy to be corrected!

OP posts:
Original poster
hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 20:12

Schlurp · 05/11/2023 20:03

Did you send an actual invitation or was it just a word of mouth or save the date?

You clearly are hurt by the fact they're not coming as well as the lack of reply. I would try to get over that - there may be a reason they absolutely can't come to that location/date. I wonder if they are a bit hurt that you've made it so hard to attend.

Never assume someone can definitely afford it/get time off work etc. It's a lot to ask for anyone. Fair enough I suppose, but only as long as you don't take it personally if they decline.

Yeah there is a little bit of hurt they aren't coming but we know we are unreasonable in expecting them to come, which we don't, so we accept we will feel hurt and there's nothing we can do there as it was our choice.

I know it's not financial but it doesn't matter what the reason is as he is entitled to not want to go for any reason at all. I wonder if it's a social reason to be honest as he's quite quiet. It's just the ignoring of all invitations that is really strange

OP posts:
Original poster
hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 20:12

GirrlCrush · 05/11/2023 20:03

Maybe they have reached saturation point with other peoples weddings!?

Don't think he's been to a wedding since I've known him 😅

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MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 05/11/2023 20:13

I don't care two shits if he comes
I wonder if he feels your love and its influencing the response?

Original poster
hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 20:13

BoohooWoohoo · 05/11/2023 20:04

She should contact you or her brother directly but I've read posts on here where families have strange dynamics centred on the MIL knowing everything first and being the one to break the news of any gossip. Is this the case here?

I wasn't aware of strange dynamics. They were close and used to go off on days out together etc. he's never been particularly social with me though, but he's nice enough I think just quite shy

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Ywlala92 · 05/11/2023 20:14

He defo should've contacted you directly! I imagine he probs feel awkward at saying no for whatever reason! Have you phoned about the RSVP? Isn't that what usually happens when someone doesn't rsvp? (I'm not married so I don't know).

I would just like to say you are vvvvv unreasonable to say they are more financially well off than you and can more than afford it! Firstly it's entirely their money and time to spend as they wish (as you said but I'm not sure you mean it...). Secondly you've no idea how financially well off they are. Even if you know what they earn you've no idea what their outgoings are or where they spend their money. On the offset people would assume we are "financially well off" but that is far far far from the truth!

Original poster
hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 20:15

MiddleClassProblem · 05/11/2023 20:04

I think having money and being single doesn’t also equate to being able to take time off but also maybe there is some sibling feeling that you are not aware off.

Regardless of them not coming they should have told you directly. Did he congratulate either of you when you got engaged?

Yeah that's fair and just having money doesn't mean he absolutely has to come and can't have other reasons not to. We get that.

No he hasn't ever congratulated us. He just spoke to us in a wider family meal and seemed pleased to hear about the wedding plans but he's never acknowledged anything.

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Original poster
hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 20:15

BoohooWoohoo · 05/11/2023 20:04

Maybe it's about not having enough holiday days left ?

He rarely takes his holiday which is why we'd like him to come and travel and see the world as he says he wants to and has nobody to go with. I think that's the main reason we are surprised he isn't coming to be honest.

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NoTouch · 05/11/2023 20:16

They feel awkward telling you because they feel a sense of duty going to a siblings wedding but it being a destination wedding has for whatever reason made it difficult for them, they have mentioned to their mum first as they feel awkward, she should have kept out of it until they told you themselves . You feel awkward asking about it as you see it as a personal rejection.

None of this would be an issue if you didnt have such huge expectations of your wedding guests. You say you dont mind if anyone cant /doesn't want to go to a destination wedding - act like it.

You fiance should quash the awkwardness and speak to his dbro and say mum has told him and that it is ok and he understands because it was a big ask.

WaitingfortheTardis · 05/11/2023 20:16

Did he definitely receive the invite safely? The post is sporadic at best where we are now and we often don't get things at all.

Ywlala92 · 05/11/2023 20:17

I find it very weird he never congratulated ye. Did ye tell him directly or did he hear through MIL?

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 05/11/2023 20:17

@Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong (while good name) how breathtakingly arrogant of the bridal couple to expect other people to plan their annual leave and expensive holiday around them!

StephanieSuperpowers · 05/11/2023 20:18

hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 20:15

He rarely takes his holiday which is why we'd like him to come and travel and see the world as he says he wants to and has nobody to go with. I think that's the main reason we are surprised he isn't coming to be honest.

Show quote history

Going to a wedding single can be hard. Combing that with a trip to the US might be a depressing prospect. It may be that he's too proud to explain that he doesn't see the trip as any fun as a single person and would dread it.

LittleMooli · 05/11/2023 20:18

Why hasn't your fiance followed it up if the dates past? A phone call to say hi the dates past so can I assume you're not coming?

Original poster
hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 20:18

SiennaMillar · 05/11/2023 20:05

YABU to expect them to spend money on flights to your wedding, and they are free to buy designer clothes and Waitrose all they wish.

YANBU to expect an rsvp and for them to say congratulations.

Don’t let it get in the way of your wedding. Your wedding is about you two, and you two only. Hope you both have a fabulous day

Thank you. Just want to clarify in case it wasn't clear on my post, that was for context only and not to try and justify that because they have money they have no excuses not to come. Im well aware that they can not wish to come for any reason.

I think it is a social reason in that they don't
know the friends and don't enjoy big groups. They prefer smaller situations and are a bit different to the average guy.. so I think they might feel like they wouldn't fit in or would be the odd one out.

I don't expect him to have to tell us this obviously but just to say that he isn't coming one way or another is what we expected.

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LittleMooli · 05/11/2023 20:19

hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 20:15

He rarely takes his holiday which is why we'd like him to come and travel and see the world as he says he wants to and has nobody to go with. I think that's the main reason we are surprised he isn't coming to be honest.

Show quote history

Omg he doesn't want to see the world with a loved up couple!

Bivarb · 05/11/2023 20:19

They are very rude. I think I'd message them and ask them directly. Maybe mentioning you thought you'd have heard from them? Make it awkward by making them tell you themselves!

If they don't thank you for Christmas or birthday presents I think I'd either stop gifting, give a token present or I'd say you're welcome loudly in absence of a thank you! Do they give you presents?

Doesn't sound like they'd be missed at the wedding though to be fair.

Original poster
hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 20:19

Reason - was adopted and birth parents live in America. One can't travel. Want both sets of parents there

OP posts:
Reddishraddish · 05/11/2023 20:20

YABU to expect anyone to attend a destination wedding. Get married where ever you want, but you can't expect everyone to take annual leave and long flights to join you.

ThomasinaLivesHere · 05/11/2023 20:20

Given what you’ve said about him being selfish amd not acknowledging gifts etc it doesn’t sound out of character. It’s a shame he didn’t do the decent thing and just be up front and respond but it seems in character

Original poster
hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 20:21

Still confused why so many people think this post is about being pissy he isn't coming, I am not sure how I can make it any clearer I do not expect anyone to attend my wedding in the slightest. In actual fact I would prefer it was smaller and intimate as I don't like being centre of attention.

It's just about the fact the engagement was never acknowledged. Neither was the save the date or the formal invitation and now everything is being finalised and the wedding isn't far away and we have still not heard a peep!

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Original poster
hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 20:22

If I didn't do the cards, presents etc the poor guy would never get anything 😅

I get that maybe we should match his effort and pull back but I also think we should treat all the siblings the same. He is the youngest and so is always seen as the baby even though he's very much an adult!

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MichelleScarn · 05/11/2023 20:23

So according to some posters social conventions, if I decide to get married in the Las Vegas 'Little Chapel O'Love' drive through ceremony, we should expect our friends and family to forget about any other family holiday that year and use the time and money to celebrate us, rather than down in the usual Dumfrieshire venues?

Original poster
hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 20:23

readingmakesmehappy · 05/11/2023 20:06

Perhaps it's not a place they have ever wanted to visit. Perhaps they have already made their holiday plans for next year. Perhaps they don't have any holiday time they can book off from work. Perhaps they can't afford it.

I absolutely loathe destination weddings. Cost of attending a short haul family one for us next year is already £2000+ in travel.

But that's just it I'm not asking or debating why!! I just want him to say he isn't attending and it's done. No drama and no grudge.. just clarity for all of us on what's going on..

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Ywlala92 · 05/11/2023 20:23

It's just about the fact the engagement was never acknowledged

@hopefullynotbridezilla Did ye actually tell him about the engagement or did he hear through MIL?

Original poster
hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 20:24

HerMammy · 05/11/2023 20:09

Small and rustic but needs expensive flights.

Yes? It's quite common...

But doesn't need anything by anyone else. If people want to come then it's their choice. We haven't ever put pressure on anyone to attend and would have been happy to elope if nobody came.

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