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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sibling not coming to destination wedding - AIBU?

353 replies

hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 19:56

Anon for this..

Firstly I want to preface with I know that expecting people to travel to a long haul destination wedding isn't fair. So happy to be told we are being unreasonable on this but interested to know peoples thoughts..

Fiancés sibling was invited to our wedding (USA location, so a reasonable flight). Sibling never acknowledged either of us to say whether they would attend or not. We then heard through MIL that they weren't coming. We hadn't been contacted or even congratulated on the engagement.

We are a little hurt they aren't coming as they have high income and low outgoings (accommodation, bills and food all provided with job - not struggling, spend on designer clothes and shop in premium supermarkets, just for context that they aren't on minimum wage) also single and no children.

But obviously we need to suck it up on that one as we do feel a bit hurt but ultimately it was our choice to hold the wedding abroad and even if people can afford it they are completely fair to just not want to spend their money and time on the whole debacle of it all. I guess the reason we are hurt is they are the only close sibling/friend not coming so it stung a little bit.

But what I'm wondering is are we being unreasonable to expect to be told this directly? Whether phone, email or carrier pigeon I don't care.. but going through someone else is just a bit off. That's the bit that has hurt my fiancé the most as it's like he hasn't even acknowledged the engagement or the invite itself.

Not sure if we are being over sensitive on this so happy to be corrected!

OP posts:
MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 05/11/2023 20:24

@hopefullynotbridezilla what aspects do you need to know for? Are you paying for his flights, room, meals?

PastorCarrBonarra · 05/11/2023 20:25

It’s clear to me what you mean, OP. And I agree that he’s been discourteous.

Your updates point to a socially awkward and slightly unhappy chap who isn’t hot on social graces. I can absolutely see why he doesn’t want to come. But a polite text to your fiancé would have taken him scarcely one minute to type.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 05/11/2023 20:25

I think he just is not good socially as you said and does not even probably think to acknowledge your effort for cards, presents etc and the same may be said with the invitation. Before anyone jumps down my neck for saying this but could he have aspergers by any chance as that would explain a lot of his behavior and not liking social gatherings etc and more comfortable with few friends or one to one. That is why he told mil and he probably is not even aware how it is affecting you. Just my opinion but I think there is something in it to be honest. Enjoy your wedding and get your brother to talk to him.

ToWhitToWhoo · 05/11/2023 20:26

YABU to be offended at someone, even a family member, not coming to a destination wedding. You have every right to hold your celebrations in any way you wish, but not to blame others who can't or won't afford the time, money or stress involved in travelling.

YANBU to consider it as rather rude of them not to tell you directly.

Original poster
hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 20:26

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 05/11/2023 20:10

It sounds that you are upset not that they can't make it but the way they have gone about it. And I think YANBU, they absolutely should have told you or your fiancee.

FWIW my sister had a destination wedding and I was bridesmaid and it meant we had to merge our annual holiday around the wedding although it was not somewhere that suited us very well, all with a young child in tow. I would have moved mountains to be there as we are close, but at the same time I kind of resented it. Its possible people resent your choice too. My other sister refused to use her holiday money and spent a fortune on a trip a few months earlier, knowing that my parents and sister would freak out if she wasn't there, so they ended up paying for her flights and accommodation, that really pissed me off! What really annoyed me was that a few years earlier I had mine in the local hotel so my family wouldn't even have to do an overnight, I know it was my choice but it was my choice to make life easier for everyone and not just suit myself.

Thank you, I'm glad you interpreted what I meant by my post. It's exactly that.

But I also completely understand where you're coming from as we too have declined destination wedding invites in the past. We aren't skint but the flights were extortionate for what they were and we would have rather gone to a destination of our choice with the airfare price. So I totally understand that and never expected anyone to come, and feel lucky that so many people are genuinely excited to come.. not even sure why they are so excited!

OP posts:
Nandocushion · 05/11/2023 20:26

hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 20:21

Still confused why so many people think this post is about being pissy he isn't coming, I am not sure how I can make it any clearer I do not expect anyone to attend my wedding in the slightest. In actual fact I would prefer it was smaller and intimate as I don't like being centre of attention.

It's just about the fact the engagement was never acknowledged. Neither was the save the date or the formal invitation and now everything is being finalised and the wedding isn't far away and we have still not heard a peep!

Sorry everyone seems to be missing your point, OP. If your DF has been close to his DB in the past, can he not just phone or text him and say Oi, why no RSVP? In a sort of casual way, so it doesn't cause a big rift?

PermanentTemporary · 05/11/2023 20:26

Yes it's pretty odd but some people are not familiar with politeness social rules.

Having said that, it was only after a huge falling out with my brother in law that I looked back over the previous 14 years and realised that we had always been the ones making the running in the relationship. Makes me feel a bit embarrassed that we chased so hard, he really wasn't interested and I wish we hadn't bothered.

WaitingfortheTardis · 05/11/2023 20:27

Why don't you/future dh just ask him? Word it in a way that is checking he's received it and that you need to finalise numbers etc.

Canisaysomething · 05/11/2023 20:27

If you want people to attend you don’t ask them to fly half way across the world to get there. It’s a really selfish thing to do in a cost of living crisis, let alone time off work, carbon foot print.. there are so many reasons people wouldn’t want to go.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 05/11/2023 20:27

To pastor above just because someone is socially quiet does not mean they are unhappy. Some people are just more introverted and are not into big gatherings or settings. Sorry just had to say that and not having a go at you or anything.

Original poster
hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 20:28

Xil · 05/11/2023 20:10

I actually don't think it's odd that they've mentioned their intentions to their mum in what I'm sure was one of many conversations about a family wedding, and now think you've been told.

It would be more odd to approach you directly and formally announce what you're already well aware of.

So you think it's normal to not acknowledge any of it?

We acknowledged him on so many more mundane things as well as never missing his birthday etc so I do think it's a bit shit to not be told. Well, not me but my fiance I guess

OP posts:
gavisconismyfriend · 05/11/2023 20:28

@BoohooWoohoo might be onto something. That’s been my experience. I was hurt my aunt didn’t come to a party and that I only found out she wasn’t coming when my mum arrived and told me. Years on from that, I realised it probably wasn’t my aunt’s doing that I heard that way - mum has a divide and conquer approach and I suspect she’d stepped in and said she’d pass the message on.

TulipOH · 05/11/2023 20:28

It's not unreasonable for them to not want to attend a destination wedding.

But it is unreasonable for them not to respond at all either way unless there are some other issues at play.

I must admit that I'm beyond fed up with long haul weddings after having flown from uk to the USA/Italy/New Zealand/Mexico in the last 5 years and I'm declining any more going forward. They're so common now and I'm annoyed with spending all of my annual leave and holiday budget on them. 3 of the 4 we've been to are also now bloody separated!!!

We did reg office and a pub private booking, people stop expecting everyone to travel to mad locations unless you're paying their flights!!!

Isthisexpected · 05/11/2023 20:29

It seems as simple to me as he doesn't want to actually have to say no. Some people cannot communicate and don't comply with the usual social rules of acknowledging life events.

Libertass · 05/11/2023 20:30

YANBU to have a destination wedding. It’s your wedding, you can get hitched whenever & wherever you want.

YABU to be pissed off that some people can’t or don’t want to attend such a wedding, given the costs in both time & money.

YANBU to be pissed off that the person who isn’t going hasn’t spoken to you in person. That’s rude.

Original poster
hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 20:30

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 05/11/2023 20:11

Maybe he is just not good at communicating or something or there is something going on in his own life that you are not aware of. I just hope you are not stirring the pot and upsetting your partner. Just let it be what it is and how often do you see him anyway? Maybe the thoughts of been away with family for that time is too much for him, who knows. Has your brother talked to him and if they are close why has he not talked to him. There has to be more to it than him been rude and your brother and mil probably know.
Enjoy the wedding and I think destination weddings are fine if just the couple going but to expect family and friends to go is so expensive and takes time out of their own family holidays. I know someone who went away with partner and kids and they got married and told no one and had a big party when returned and everyone got to celebrate without having to travel and the expense.

What do you mean by stirring the pot? I've not said anything.. just trying to understand if this is normal (I don't have brothers and I know men aren't as good at communicating)

We were only going to go with parents in the beginning but friends made it very clear they'd be upset if we didn't invite them.. we opened the invite to a small group of people and will have a bbq back home for everyone else who couldn't come.

OP posts:
Younghearts · 05/11/2023 20:30

OP you still haven’t answered how you told him about the engagement or what he said if you told him.

Younghearts · 05/11/2023 20:31

You say he didn’t congratulate you, so what did he say? I’m assuming you or DH told him? Or did he find out through someone else or social media.

Original poster
hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 20:31

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 05/11/2023 20:13

I don't care two shits if he comes
I wonder if he feels your love and its influencing the response?

Oh for fucks sake! Stop tearing into some random turn of phrase as if there is more beyond it. Some people on mumsnet are so bitchy it's ridiculous.

It was a comment, doesn't mean I don't like the poor guy, I buy all his birthday and Christmas presents, make him birthday cakes, gift him lifts... it's not like I'm death staring at the guy and being a complete bitch

OP posts:
BodegaSushi · 05/11/2023 20:32

Firstly I want to preface with I know that expecting people to travel to a long haul destination wedding isn't fair.

You didn't really need to say any more than this. The end.

LindorDoubleChoc · 05/11/2023 20:33

The title of your thread is completely different to your actual AIBU question. Odd.

betterangels · 05/11/2023 20:33

StephanieSuperpowers · 05/11/2023 20:18

Going to a wedding single can be hard. Combing that with a trip to the US might be a depressing prospect. It may be that he's too proud to explain that he doesn't see the trip as any fun as a single person and would dread it.

Show quote history

Good point. If he already doesn't fancy going, and then you add the cost on top. Not a huge surprise. He should have told his brother though.

Original poster
hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 20:33

Ywlala92 · 05/11/2023 20:14

He defo should've contacted you directly! I imagine he probs feel awkward at saying no for whatever reason! Have you phoned about the RSVP? Isn't that what usually happens when someone doesn't rsvp? (I'm not married so I don't know).

I would just like to say you are vvvvv unreasonable to say they are more financially well off than you and can more than afford it! Firstly it's entirely their money and time to spend as they wish (as you said but I'm not sure you mean it...). Secondly you've no idea how financially well off they are. Even if you know what they earn you've no idea what their outgoings are or where they spend their money. On the offset people would assume we are "financially well off" but that is far far far from the truth!

That's not what I was saying that he's well off and therefore doesn't have an excuse. I know he is well off. But that's irrelevant as whether he was a millionaire or on minimum wage he has every right not to come. I made it quite clear in my post this wasn't an 'are we unreasonable in being pissy he isn't coming' post as that's obvious... anyone who was pissy in that situation would be unreasonable.

My question was are we being unreasonable that he has not acknowledged a single thing

OP posts:
ElleCapitaine · 05/11/2023 20:34

Well, he should have sent an RSVP I guess, but really, nobody really wants to go to a destination wedding. Were you expecting him to want to go?

BodegaSushi · 05/11/2023 20:34

We have our reasons for doing this and it's actually very small, intimate and rustic so not at all this stereotype you have created there.

Oh no it's still fits the stereotype. Just a small group but they have all travel there? 'Intimate and rustic' lol are people travelling across the world to sit in a barn?