Sibling not coming to destination wedding - AIBU?

[hopefullynotbridezilla]

Anon for this..

Firstly I want to preface with I know that expecting people to travel to a long haul destination wedding isn't fair. So happy to be told we are being unreasonable on this but interested to know peoples thoughts..

Fiancés sibling was invited to our wedding (USA location, so a reasonable flight). Sibling never acknowledged either of us to say whether they would attend or not. We then heard through MIL that they weren't coming. We hadn't been contacted or even congratulated on the engagement.

We are a little hurt they aren't coming as they have high income and low outgoings (accommodation, bills and food all provided with job - not struggling, spend on designer clothes and shop in premium supermarkets, just for context that they aren't on minimum wage) also single and no children.

But obviously we need to suck it up on that one as we do feel a bit hurt but ultimately it was our choice to hold the wedding abroad and even if people can afford it they are completely fair to just not want to spend their money and time on the whole debacle of it all. I guess the reason we are hurt is they are the only close sibling/friend not coming so it stung a little bit.

But what I'm wondering is are we being unreasonable to expect to be told this directly? Whether phone, email or carrier pigeon I don't care.. but going through someone else is just a bit off. That's the bit that has hurt my fiancé the most as it's like he hasn't even acknowledged the engagement or the invite itself.

Not sure if we are being over sensitive on this so happy to be corrected!

I know a few people who have been invited to destination weddings who have actually been quite offended! Or at least irritated. (Not saying they should be!) I think because by definition it puts people under a bit of pressure to spend a lot more than they would usually. And by saying no it’s kind of publicly putting them on the spot in a way (or it can feel like it, from what I gathered from the people who I’ve spoken with who we’re annoyed by the invite!)

in your original post, I like that you have been upfront about understanding that there will be people not able to afford to attend a destination wedding. Id be interested to know though, if you have made it clear (via invites or verbally) that you understand that it might be too far/expensive/long for some people. If the brother has always been a bit standoffish, maybe he doesn’t know how to say no for the above reasons, or similar. And although you’ve rightly said it’s not fair to expect people to come to a destination wedding…. You also said they have the money, have no kids, have a good wage etc. So perhaps they feel the potential miffedness?

Having said that, regardless of their reasons, generally you are not being unreasonable to expect a congratulations and direct communication with the brother about their rsvp.

I hope you have a lovely wedding!

just trying to understand if this is normal

It is as "normal" as your fiance not phoning his brother straight away to talk about it when he found out from his mum. They are both awkward conversations to have that some struggle with. Relationships are unique to the individuals involved, we cant say if it is "normal" for your fiance and his family and/or brother.

Well of course he should have replied to you directly however he sounds incredibly socially awkward and my expectations would be low enough of him already to not be surprised.

How old is he?

Try not to tie yourself in knots over this. Yes he should have responded to the invitation but some people are genuinely crap at this sort of thing. Especially if he hasn’t ever organised his own big events he might not know the etiquette of how to behave. Please try not to let it colour his relationship with his brother. It’s such a shame when weddings, which are essentially just elaborate parties, spoil family relationships because people get their feelings hurt over trivial issues.

How are we not acting like it? If anyone else has said they can't come we have said it's no problem and we said so on the invites too so nobody felt pressured or uncomfortable, as well as following this up in person. There has never been an expectation that he should come, but him not being there when all other siblings are will be a bit shit but that is 100% our issue not his and we are owning that.

I just wish he would have told us. But I think some of the posters who have said he feels awkward are right. It's a shame he feels that uncomfortable that he can't tell his own brother he isn't coming. Maybe he thinks we will press for a reason I don't know. I don't think he is intentionally rude and we won't have an issue with him for not responding it's just strange that he doesn't feel comfortable to talk to his own brother. Who is very approachable and the most laid back human going!

For an OP that was "very clearly" not about his decision to come, you did spend quite a lot of it explaining exactly how you were a bit hurt by that, how he could afford it, didn't have dependents etc. If you wanted to have no comments about that maybe put less of it in the OP.

Must have to tell his mum. Would be a bit rude I think if I asked if he received it 🤣 I'd feel like I was calling him out and putting him on the spot! I don't want to draw more attention to the poor guy who is so shy in the first place

It’s sounds as if he’s already known to be socially awkward, and probably doesn’t know how to handle an invitation to something he’d hate going to. Destination weddings are my idea of hell and I’d actually be pissed off if I was invited to one. I’d want to decline, making me appear (unfairly) the bad guy.

We are a little hurt they aren't coming as they have high income and low outgoings (accommodation, bills and food all provided with job - not struggling, spend on designer clothes and shop in premium supermarkets, just for context that they aren't on minimum wage) also single and no children

Honestly OP, you don't come across well here. Perhaps this sibling doesn't want to be judged about their lifestyle and life choices, gossiped about and wants to distance themselves from you....

Did your fiance a really phone him up and discuss with him? Is it possible that some family members feel you are prioritising the birth parents over other family members? It's a massive hassle to go to the US never mind the cost, no way would I go that far for a wedding.

It sounds as though both he and your fiance are equally uncomfortable with difficult conversations. The brother can't bring himself to say he's not coming. Your fiance couldn't bring himself to contact his brother on the cut off date to say 'haven't had your RSVP yet and need to be firm in the numbers. Whether you've decided is fine, I just need to know either way'.

Don't want to put him on the spot really

Maybe he's autistic? Maybe he has other social communication difficulties? Maybe he thinks a destination wedding is his worst nightmare, and he has no idea what to say, and has gone full ostrich.
Maybe he doesn't like you that much, or maybe it's like that bit out of love actually, and he's been secretly in love with you for years?

For the 35th time, this isn't my question 😊

YANBU to have expected a direct response.

I don't think he means to be rude but it comes across that way when we get nothing back from him. That's why I don't want to make him feel even more uncomfortable by asking again. It's a tricky one because he's a lovely guy, painfully shy and a little quirky but he's actually very sweet too. And extremely talented.

I think some people just respond to the title!

I don't think anyone has said there should ever be any expectations. Especially for abroad weddings and even further for those with a long haul flight.

Adoptive parents is a slightly more fair reason to have it in another continent than wanting to do a tacky Elvis thing. It's not in Las Vegas.

This may well be the reason!

I’m not sure I would RSVP to someone who didn’t give two shits whether I came or not.

Meals.. the fact everything in the package is dependant on number of people. Welcome gifts for everyone with some personalised elements. Lots of things.

I thought it was a small rustic wedding?

in my opinion you are being unreasonable for expecting people to come to america for you wedding and then getting annoyed when they behave a bit strangely/uncomfortably declining the invite. it puts them in an awkward position. you waive the rights to get upset about these things when you hold your wedding in the USA

this is going to end up in the Daily Mail, isn't it?

so he is not coming, what does it matter how you were told? If you are not sure, contact him directly yourself, or get your partner to ring him/ go and see him

A wedding you are not going to is not going to be very high on list of priority admin to sort out, is it